Is he cheating?

[Frustratedconcern]

First a little background. My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years. We live together. We’ve been looking for a house that he will be buying for about 2 years. In the next couple of months we plan on pulling the plug and buying or building. He’s 47 and I’m 32.

 

AND we have an almost 2 year old daughter. We got pregnant 2 weeks after we met and decided to make it work.

 

I was terribly hormonal during pregnancy and broke up with him (we kept our perspective apartments until 2 weeks before the baby was born). When we finally got back together I still didn’t want to be touched. So we didn’t have sex for almost 11 months during pregnancy and recovery.

 

When we did have sex again it was uncomfortable for me. It was about 2 months before we tried again. Now, we only have sex about every 2 months. Not because of me. I’m always flirting and trying, but I get nothing from him.

 

I’ve bounced back after pregnancy. Back in shape, same size I was before having the baby, my hips are just a little wider, but not much.

 

Both of us have been cheated on. His ex wife cheated On him and my ex of 5 years cheated on me. So every once in a while I check his phone. I also check his viagra. Last week I checked it and thought it had a quarter of a pill less, but I can’t quite remember from the last time I checked.

 

So I looked at his phone. And found a fairly harmless conversation fand a selfie of a pretty blonde. Fully clothed, in her car after school. He has her saved under a guys name. I’ve seen this name before and passed over it as harmless, but this time I looked. All of the previous conversation had been deleted. The only thing was from this week, her just “checking in”. After she sent the pic he did not respond. He didn’t respond for over a week.

 

Last night I had a conversation with him about my frustrations with our sex life. He said something just changed after we had the baby. That he no longer has a sex drive. But now I don’t know if he no longer has a sex drive with me or towards all women.

 

I last checked his phone Sunday morning. I did not check it Monday, but I check it this morning and saw that he deleted the text. BUT he kept the number.

 

I looked up the girl and by all accounts she lives in a completely different state and has never lived here.

 

I don’t know if he’s cheating or not and I can’t stop thinking about it. It may it even be with this girl. Any input would be much appreciated!

[Mr.Me]

Let me ask you why you are continuing to live with a guy you don't trust?

 

If you guys made a choice to "make it work" then that is the choice you both will have to make and adhere too. If one or both aren't, then you will have to accept the new normal, or move on in life without him.

[Frustratedconcern]

That’s a good question and point, and one I’ve also considered. And I’ve said in the past if he wants an open relationship he needs to tell me. So him hiding it, if there is an it, is really hard for me. Does it seem like he’s cheating?

[MsJayne]

I doubt that he's cheating with someone from interstate, however he's obviously initiated some contact with other women and is going to some lengths to hide the fact from you. It sounds as if he's unhappy in the relationship but perhaps feels too responsible or is too kind to just end it. You don't sound too happy either, you can't feel secure and be happy with someone who you don't trust and who you sense has already checked out of the relationship. I would suggest an honest conversation about whether he really wants to be in the relationship or would prefer to just maintain a healthy friendship for the sake of the baby. If he's initiating contact with other women he clearly has not lost interest in sex, but the once-every-two-months sounds like it's an irksome chore for both of you.

[d0nnivain]

You two have real problems that need to be resolved before anybody buys a house.

 

These concerns aren't going to be solved through board games, or cooking together after your child goes to sleep.

 

You two could benefit from some relationship counseling. When you sexually shut down on him for 11 months, it flipped a switch in him. You have to work together, preferably with a professional. to turn that switch back on. If you don't you are doomed especially if he's already exchanging pictures with other women, even if they are far away & fully clothed.

 

At a minimum, after your child goes to sleep, try giving your guy a BJ. If you can manage to do that often, it should restart his libido.

[Frustratedconcern]

You two have real problems that need to be resolved before anybody buys a house.

 

These concerns aren't going to be solved through board games, or cooking together after your child goes to sleep.

 

You two could benefit from some relationship counseling. When you sexually shut down on him for 11 months, it flipped a switch in him. You have to work together, preferably with a professional. to turn that switch back on. If you don't you are doomed especially if he's already exchanging pictures with other women, even if they are far away & fully clothed.

 

At a minimum, after your child goes to sleep, try giving your guy a BJ. If you can manage to do that often, it should restart his libido.

 

I used to try that every night and he’d push me away. So I stopped. I’ve suggested counseling before but he’s hesitant. I know I need to push it more.

[Frustratedconcern]

I’d we did counseling how is it paid for? We’re not on the same insurance so do they submit us both? Or do we pay out of pocket for that?

[d0nnivain]

I used to try that every night and he’d push me away. So I stopped. I’ve suggested counseling before but he’s hesitant. I know I need to push it more.

 

That would have me practically screaming. Not the most productive way to resolve it but damn it, I'd find out why because too many no's would absolutely have me convinced he was getting it somewhere else. I'm pretty persistent in badgering somebody until I get an answer, especially if they aren't talking. I'm not above interrogating somebody over an issue like this. To my way of thinking, if this was my relationship it was over anyway, in all but name, so might as well get to the bottom of things.

 

Do be more persistent in your request for joint counseling.

[smackie9]

He's cheating my dear. He isn't, and hasn't been waiting around, he's been getting it from somewhere. You are pretty much a roommate, and sharing the responsibility of raising a child. IMO this is far from repairable. You both just need to have an honest conversation about finally moving on, and make arrangements about visitations.

[Frustratedconcern]

He's cheating my dear. He isn't, and hasn't been waiting around, he's been getting it from somewhere. You are pretty much a roommate, and sharing the responsibility of raising a child. IMO this is far from repairable. You both just need to have an honest conversation about finally moving on, and make arrangements about visitations.

 

Yeah... I have a gut feeling. I just can’t figure out WHEN. He works and comes home. Never goes out with friends. I thought maybe it was before work, but i talked to a coworker of his who confirmed he’s in the office at 8 am everyday. Sometimes it makes perfect sense that he is... and other times It doesn’t.

[carhill]

1. If he's got a picture of a woman you don't know on his phone, that's not a good sign.

 

2. If he's not having sex with you, no need to get the erector set cranked up so what's the Viagra for?

 

3. You were pregnant almost immediately upon 'being together'. That can be problematic in itself. Does he have any children from his marriage or other relationships? How long after he divorced from his cheating spouse did he get together with you?

 

4. What are your boundaries for 'cheating'?

 

 

As far as the time thing, I recall one MW had plenty of time to bang her boss on her lunch hour and hubby would never know. It was only when she was using me to stave off his after work advances and started staying late that her H got wise. Short version - if people want to cheat they find ways. Since your ex apparently cheated on you I trust you've seen plenty.

 

Regarding the money and counseling thing, checkbook, open it, write numbers, give to counselor. When we were in MC the rack rate was 165 per session for a clinical psychologist and the insurance contracted that down to 99 so I wrote a check for 99 per week for about a year. Counselors vary in price and some people's health insurance may cover the cost if coded right. It depends. IMO, it was worth every nickel of the almost five grand it cost me. Probably saved ten times that much in the D.

 

Good luck!

[Frustratedconcern]

1. If he's got a picture of a woman you don't know on his phone, that's not a good sign.

 

2. If he's not having sex with you, no need to get the erector set cranked up so what's the Viagra for?

 

3. You were pregnant almost immediately upon 'being together'. That can be problematic in itself. Does he have any children from his marriage or other relationships? How long after he divorced from his cheating spouse did he get together with you?

 

4. What are your boundaries for 'cheating'?

 

 

As far as the time thing, I recall one MW had plenty of time to bang her boss on her lunch hour and hubby would never know. It was only when she was using me to stave off his after work advances and started staying late that her H got wise. Short version - if people want to cheat they find ways. Since your ex apparently cheated on you I trust you've seen plenty.

 

Regarding the money and counseling thing, checkbook, open it, write numbers, give to counselor. When we were in MC the rack rate was 165 per session for a clinical psychologist and the insurance contracted that down to 99 so I wrote a check for 99 per week for about a year. Counselors vary in price and some people's health insurance may cover the cost if coded right. It depends. IMO, it was worth every nickel of the almost five grand it cost me. Probably saved ten times that much in the D.

 

Good luck!

 

So the counseling worked for you?

 

Idk about the vigagra. He had it before we started dating. It’s a pretty old bottle.

 

No children from previous marriage. They had been divorced for 5 years when we met.

[smackie9]

Yeah... I have a gut feeling. I just can’t figure out WHEN. He works and comes home. Never goes out with friends. I thought maybe it was before work, but i talked to a coworker of his who confirmed he’s in the office at 8 am everyday. Sometimes it makes perfect sense that he is... and other times It doesn’t.

The co-worker isn't going to tell you anything when they have to work with him. I wouldn't be spilling the beans if someones wife/GF asked me about their husbands whereabouts/schedule. Plus he could be emotionally cheating.

[heavenonearth]

I know a guy who gets off by masturbating with random women on certain messenger apps like Kik, all the while at home his wife is nursing the 3 month old and won’t let him close to her body...

He doesn’t think he is cheating, but i told him he definitely is

 

Boundaries.... open communication.... there is a lot missing in many relationships. Seems that is also the case with your guy.

[preraph]

You said he's on Viagra, so he already had ED problems before you came along sounds like. So I'm just saying he's got ED and most guys with it don't like to deal with it by trying to have sex. Does he have other kids anywhere? Because if not, maybe the fact that he managed to have sex with you back then and you got pregnant makes him think this is his only chance to have a child if he has ED. And he does or he wouldn't have Viagra.

 

Is this how you want to spend your life? Wouldn't it be better to be on your own and having joint custody with him so you both can have a private life? I just don't see any way any of this is a viable foundation for a relationship. People with ED will blame it on you or on anything to keep from having to just admit they have erectile dysfunction. Him cheating is kind of beside the point. I doubt that he is if he has ED, but it's possible. For example my old bf who had ED could only do it with short drunk blond girls he hoped wouldn't remember anything the next day and that he didn't care about. But I just don't see a relationship here. You need to consider what kind of life you want to model for your child. I think it's better for a child to see two people apart than two together who don't have a good relationship.

[usa1ah]

Use DR Fone to recover the deleted texts.

[usa1ah]

I am going to say it sounds like he is cheating. I know you went through some problems during pregnancy and after your little one was born. That could have damaged the relationship on his side. It’s no excuse to cheat anyway.

 

Pull his deleted texts if you can get his phone again.

 

Also buy a couple of VAR’s. Velcro one under the driver seat of his car. Put the other one in the room he normally uses to talk with someone.

 

See if you can get any evidence before you confront him.

 

Hope you find the answers you need.

[Mr.Me]

Spying, asking others to track him for you, going through his phone, checking his meds etc....Sure sounds like you already know. You just need to accept and you can't until something tangible backs up you feelings. Then whats your plan? Let it go? leave him? force him to fix it? Fight until he leaves you?

 

I'd left long before it requires to me go to these lengths just to get answers but I don't waste my time and energy on people who are just a life burden either.

I think everyone including your self deserves much better.

[Frustratedconcern]

Thank you all for the help. We talked last night. Is there a way to delete this thread?

[Mr.Me]

You mean you don't want to share anymore?

Awe.....I'm bummed.