hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 (edited) So, there is an online game I’ve been playing on my phone for years. It’s the only game I play. It’s a type of word game (not Words with Friends) that takes skills to play, and I’d say I’m pretty good at it. I have a pic of myself as my profile...cute but not sexy in any way. Occasionally I’ll get messages from guys who clearly just want to chat and have no skills in the game. I resign from those games and block. I have no desire to chat with people and I only want to play against skilled people. There are a few regulars I play against who reach out here and there to say “good game” or “merry Christmas” during the holidays...nothing consistent as they are probably like me, there to play and not to meet people. A few days ago a new player pops up and he is very good, way better than me. And I’m happy to have the challenge. He also appears to be nice looking in his pic. So he reached out and started a conversation with me. He’s very engaging, intelligent, and interesting. We go back and forth with small talk and realize we have some major stuff in common. He was talkative and friendly but never flirted or said anything inappropriate. But after a couple days of increased chatting throughout the day (all initiated by him and including good mornings and good nights), I started to feel a bit uncomfortable spending too much time chatting with this man given I have a boyfriend. I was starting to think he was moving towards something else where I’d have to tell him I have a boyfriend. I then decreased my rate if response and quantity. So imagine my surprise when he mentions vacationing with his wife over spring break. Part of me felt relieved that he wasn’t trying to hit on me but another part felt weird responding to him knowing he has a wife. So, no he did not SAY anything inappropriate or suggestive to me. But given the frequency and quantity of messages he sent me, do you think that’s normal? I’d be pissed beyond words if my bf chatted with a pretty girl online THAT much even if he wasn’t flirting. Thoughts? Edited March 7, 2018 by hippychick3 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 (edited) This is a person talking to you and your enjoyment of this game, which turned into the case that two people with compatible personalities have a great conversation with each other. The only "problem" you see with this is that it just so turns out that you are female and he is male. If you couldn't see each other's pictures and you had no information regarding their sex, I assume the conversation couldn't have flowed any differently. And this is why I don't ever think people should restrict friendships based on sex/gender (yes, even if they're good looking). You know what you want from this - nothing more than a great chat. That's your boundary, so you shouldn't feel guilty unless you allow it to be crossed. Edited March 7, 2018 by snowboy91 effect and clarity 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 He’s probably just a chatter. There are guys like that and yes they relieve their boredom that way. I assure you you’re not the only woman he’s chatting to, esp if he’s an initiator. Just ignore him if you don’t feel like participating. I’m surprised those games don’t allow you to turn off the chat feature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Also if you feel like you’re being groomed, then trust your instincts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Sounds like the guys being nice and that’s a problem ? It’s just two people talking. Why don’t you play the game with your bf ? Or play against him? Is it possible maybe you are just bothered because he didn’t hit on you Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Sounds like the guys being nice and that’s a problem ? It’s just two people talking. Why don’t you play the game with your bf ? Or play against him? Is it possible maybe you are just bothered because he didn’t hit on you My bf doesn’t want to play. He’s watched me play but has no interest in the game. Not sure how that’s relevant... As I SAID, I’m relieved he didn’t hit on me as I’d like to keep playing him and prefer no awkwardness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 He’s probably just a chatter. There are guys like that and yes they relieve their boredom that way. I assure you you’re not the only woman he’s chatting to, esp if he’s an initiator. Just ignore him if you don’t feel like participating. I’m surprised those games don’t allow you to turn off the chat feature. I really wouldn’t care if he’s chatting with others. I’m just wondering about the normalcy of chatting so excessively with the opposite sex. I can’t really continue to play him if I ignore at this point. He’d just stop playing against me. I am slowing down my response time because I’m not big on texting/messaging all day long. I don’t have time for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 (edited) Also if you feel like you’re being groomed, then trust your instincts. I really can’t determine if this is innocent or more...Which made me post here! Edited to add: I’m not looking for validation that he may be wanting more. I feel no ego boost from that. This is about what is normal for a married man. Edited March 7, 2018 by hippychick3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I suspect he's a chatty person & is happy to have found somebody who shares his interest. I don't see him having crossed lines but since you are wary, just fade away. While I don't care for ghosting after real life interactions, you have no obligation to some on line game player. Simply stop responding. Carry on with your game. I'd be a bit weirded out by his good mornings & goodnights except in the context of the game. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Maybe it started off innocent on both sides--you both were just playing a word game--but now that it has grown more personal and not just good player to good player, given you're married I'd let it fade. You don't know this person or whether his moral compass is is as well-calibrated as yours. Why leave the door open to it potentially escalating to something decidedly NOT innocent? No online game is worth that. If you can turn off your chat feature for this game, do that. You never know what kind of weirdos you can find on things like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Maybe it started off innocent on both sides--you both were just playing a word game--but now that it has grown more personal and not just good player to good player, given you're married I'd let it fade. You don't know this person or whether his moral compass is is as well-calibrated as yours. Why leave the door open to it potentially escalating to something decidedly NOT innocent? No online game is worth that. If you can turn off your chat feature for this game, do that. You never know what kind of weirdos you can find on things like that. Yes, I realize all of that. I'm not coming here so much to ask what "I" should do in this situation. I have no problem with fading away if I become uncomfortable or feel that "I" am crossing a line. I'm more wondering what others' thoughts are on a married man chatting with the opposite sex so frequently and CAN it be innocent. And would anyone be okay with their spouse doing this even if there is no flirting (as I, personally, would not be okay with it)? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 My husband plays several of those MMORPG games. I think he "talks" to a few of the other players while not in the game. I don't know their genders & don't care. I think his interactions are less than what you are describing . . . no daily good mornings & good nights. That is probably a bridge too far. I have a few people from LS that I "talk" to but only through this system. Again, that is not daily one on one interactions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 My husband plays several of those MMORPG games. I think he "talks" to a few of the other players while not in the game. I don't know their genders & don't care. I think his interactions are less than what you are describing . . . no daily good mornings & good nights. That is probably a bridge too far. I have a few people from LS that I "talk" to but only through this system. Again, that is not daily one on one interactions. Just curious: Do you only talk about stuff regarding specific threads or do these convos grow into other personal topics? Does the poster’s gender matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Yes, I realize all of that. I'm not coming here so much to ask what "I" should do in this situation. I have no problem with fading away if I become uncomfortable or feel that "I" am crossing a line. I'm more wondering what others' thoughts are on a married man chatting with the opposite sex so frequently and CAN it be innocent. And would anyone be okay with their spouse doing this even if there is no flirting (as I, personally, would not be okay with it)? I tend to think No. I think things might typically start out innocently enough, but then you find things in common, you find it easy and appealing to talk to the person, and then suddenly it evolves into something that can turn into a big problem. In other words, he might not be looking to cheat, but too much one-on-one gabbing with the opposite sex isn't something I indulge in when I"m in a relationship, and I'd be wary of someone too chatty with me who is in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I tend to think No. I think things might typically start out innocently enough, but then you find things in common, you find it easy and appealing to talk to the person, and then suddenly it evolves into something that can turn into a big problem. In other words, he might not be looking to cheat, but too much one-on-one gabbing with the opposite sex isn't something I indulge in when I"m in a relationship, and I'd be wary of someone too chatty with me who is in a relationship. I think that if either of the parties has a fulfilling relationship, then things would fade away before they get out of control. Unfortunately, many emotional affairs develop because both parties don’t have a great relationship with their partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 I tend to think No. I think things might typically start out innocently enough, but then you find things in common, you find it easy and appealing to talk to the person, and then suddenly it evolves into something that can turn into a big problem. In other words, he might not be looking to cheat, but too much one-on-one gabbing with the opposite sex isn't something I indulge in when I"m in a relationship, and I'd be wary of someone too chatty with me who is in a relationship. I agree with you completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 For a lot of men, they think it’s not cheating until there’s sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 But after a couple days of increased chatting throughout the day (all initiated by him and including good mornings and good nights), I started to feel a bit uncomfortable spending too much time chatting with this man given I have a boyfriend. This is unhealthy and risky. He is a stranger sending you good mornings and good nights - every day, think about it. The fact he is married is irrelevant, he's a male, a stranger, and he contacts you several times a day. You are exposing yourself to developing a bond and then you'll end up speaking to him more often than you speak to your boyfriend and one thing will lead to another and you'll be having an emotional affair. When we're in a relationship and we value our relationship, we stay away from those risky situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 This is unhealthy and risky. He is a stranger sending you good mornings and good nights - every day, think about it. The fact he is married is irrelevant, he's a male, a stranger, and he contacts you several times a day. You are exposing yourself to developing a bond and then you'll end up speaking to him more often than you speak to your boyfriend and one thing will lead to another and you'll be having an emotional affair. When we're in a relationship and we value our relationship, we stay away from those risky situation. Yes, I completely understand this. It is why I have backed off. I’m smart enough and aware enough to not allow this to happen to me. I’m very much in love with my bf and don’t intend to put myself in any situation that could potentially jeopardize my relationship. Again, I’m not asking what I should do. There’s no interest in escalating this from my end. My question is about whether or not what he is doing is appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 My question is about whether or not what he is doing is appropriate. To me it's not. My bf has a female friend he speaks often to but they've been friends for years before he met me. I would see very negatively if he started chatting daily with a new female friend. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 For a lot of men, they think it’s not cheating until there’s sex. FYI...Women do this too..... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 To me it's not. My bf has a female friend he speaks often to but they've been friends for years before he met me. I would see very negatively if he started chatting daily with a new female friend. I totally agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 FYI...Women do this too..... TFY Bored married ones... you're right. I was just trying to help hippychick understand what may be going on in his head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I wouldn't say it crosses a boundary, but I would say be careful that it doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 I wouldn't say it crosses a boundary, but I would say be careful that it doesn't. There is no chance of that happening with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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