Crossing a line or innocent?

[preraph]

I mean, obviously, being online chatting up women and getting to know them to the point interest builds isn't what a married person should do. It's playing with fire.

[Imajerk17]

I disagree with the responses saying that this is OK. It is not OK.

 

If you even have to ASK if you are doing something inappropriate then you already know the answer. I mean seriously, would he be chatting with you this much if you were a dude? Everyone here knows the answer to that is no.

 

That he is married hardly makes him safe, as plenty of married people engage in affairs.

 

So, there is an online game I’ve been playing on my phone for years. It’s the only game I play. It’s a type of word game (not Words with Friends) that takes skills to play, and I’d say I’m pretty good at it. I have a pic of myself as my profile...cute but not sexy in any way. Occasionally I’ll get messages from guys who clearly just want to chat and have no skills in the game. I resign from those games and block. I have no desire to chat with people and I only want to play against skilled people. There are a few regulars I play against who reach out here and there to say “good game” or “merry Christmas” during the holidays...nothing consistent as they are probably like me, there to play and not to meet people.

 

A few days ago a new player pops up and he is very good, way better than me. And I’m happy to have the challenge. He also appears to be nice looking in his pic. So he reached out and started a conversation with me. He’s very engaging, intelligent, and interesting. We go back and forth with small talk and realize we have some major stuff in common. He was talkative and friendly but never flirted or said anything inappropriate. But after a couple days of increased chatting throughout the day (all initiated by him and including good mornings and good nights), I started to feel a bit uncomfortable spending too much time chatting with this man given I have a boyfriend. I was starting to think he was moving towards something else where I’d have to tell him I have a boyfriend. I then decreased my rate if response and quantity. So imagine my surprise when he mentions vacationing with his wife over spring break. Part of me felt relieved that he wasn’t trying to hit on me but another part felt weird responding to him knowing he has a wife.

 

So, no he did not SAY anything inappropriate or suggestive to me. But given the frequency and quantity of messages he sent me, do you think that’s normal? I’d be pissed beyond words if my bf chatted with a pretty girl online THAT much even if he wasn’t flirting. Thoughts?

[hippychick3]

I disagree with the responses saying that this is OK. It is not OK.

 

If you even have to ASK if you are doing something inappropriate then you already know the answer. I mean seriously, would he be chatting with you this much if you were a dude? Everyone here knows the answer to that is no.

 

That he is married hardly makes him safe, as plenty of married people engage in affairs.

 

Um, I am not at all asking if I’ve done anything inappropriate. I know “I” have not.

 

Not sure what you mean by safe as that comment does not fit in the context of this thread...you may want to read my responses on this thread. I have no interest in this guy.

[Imajerk17]

Um, I am not at all asking if I’ve done anything inappropriate. I know “I” have not.

 

Not sure what you mean by safe...you may want to read my responses on this thread. I have no interest in this guy.

 

But by chatting this much with him, you are VERY close to doing something inappropriate though. If I were your boyfriend I wouldn't be happy with your actions at all.

 

Meanwhile, many many affairs have started where at least one party "had no interest" in the other.

Edited March 7, 2018 by Imajerk17

[hippychick3]

But by chatting this much with him, you are VERY close to doing something inappropriate though. If I were your boyfriend I wouldn't be happy with your actions at all.

 

Meanwhile, many many affairs have started where at least one party "had no interest" in the other.

 

I backed off the chatting considerably after a couple days. I’m not close to doing anything inappropriate. I find married men who do chat with women this much to be a turnoff. So even if I wasn’t in a relationship, I’d not get involved.

 

I’m not naive.

[hippychick3]

Just play the game now and don't respond to his messages.

 

That should eliminate his need to chat you up.

 

Thanks for the advice, but I'm not asking what I need to do or how to eliminate his chatting. That is obvious.

 

My post was about getting others' opinions on HIS actions and whether or not they are appropriate for a married man.

[Agonistes]

Thanks for the advice, but I'm not asking what I need to do or how to eliminate his chatting. That is obvious.

 

My post was about getting others' opinions on HIS actions and whether or not they are appropriate for a married man.

 

It depends on his relationship with his wife. If he wouldn't mind her knowing about the chats and reading them then it isn't inappropriate. If he would then he has already passed the edge of propriety.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the advice, but I'm not asking what I need to do or how to eliminate his chatting. That is obvious.

 

My post was about getting others' opinions on HIS actions and whether or not they are appropriate for a married man.

 

I had an interaction today that reminded me of your thread, hippychick3.

 

All day I got to work one-on-one with a male colleague who is married. I know his wife, too. We were working with clients together but had time at the beginning and end of the day just the two of us, and we chatted. He's really easy to talk with and very intelligent as well as very kind. If he were single, I might be interested in him but as it stands I just really like him. And here's the thing:

 

Even though his wife does not work where we do, she is very much present in our conversations, both on my end, and on his. I can tell how much he cares for her; his commitment to her is solid, and I take care to show how much I respect that, always telling him to say hi to her from me and so I think given we've established that regard for his commitment, we are free to just chat without any concern that any of it crosses a boundary. The boundaries are there and we acknowledge them. This is when it feels acceptable for a man and woman to talk and laugh one on one together--when everyone's commitment and personal responsibility are solid.

 

Maybe this guy would be fine in what he's doing if he also talked with you about his wife and their life together and showed you in how he talks about her that he really loves her. But since it's not that, no, I don't think what he's doing is appropriate. Maybe not "wrong," per se, right now, or with bad intentions, but part of being responsible is not starting down any slippery slopes.

 

I don't know if I articulated any of this well but hope it helps.

[hippychick3]

I had an interaction today that reminded me of your thread, hippychick3.

 

All day I got to work one-on-one with a male colleague who is married. I know his wife, too. We were working with clients together but had time at the beginning and end of the day just the two of us, and we chatted. He's really easy to talk with and very intelligent as well as very kind. If he were single, I might be interested in him but as it stands I just really like him. And here's the thing:

 

Even though his wife does not work where we do, she is very much present in our conversations, both on my end, and on his. I can tell how much he cares for her; his commitment to her is solid, and I take care to show how much I respect that, always telling him to say hi to her from me and so I think given we've established that regard for his commitment, we are free to just chat without any concern that any of it crosses a boundary. The boundaries are there and we acknowledge them. This is when it feels acceptable for a man and woman to talk and laugh one on one together--when everyone's commitment and personal responsibility are solid.

 

Maybe this guy would be fine in what he's doing if he also talked with you about his wife and their life together and showed you in how he talks about her that he really loves her. But since it's not that, no, I don't think what he's doing is appropriate. Maybe not "wrong," per se, right now, or with bad intentions, but part of being responsible is not starting down any slippery slopes.

 

I don't know if I articulated any of this well but hope it helps.

 

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I know I've had in person conversations with many married men over the years who no matter how friendly they were, I knew where they stood because they spoke so highly and so often of their wives. I think that makes a difference. This guy did mention his wife, but he hasn't been talking "about" his wife. I just keep thinking if I were his wife, I'd not be happy about the quantity of his messages and his interest in my life.

 

Then again, I don't really know him. Maybe it's all innocent on his part and she wouldn't care, or they have an open marriage, or they're swingers...I don't really want to know that much details. lol

[hippychick3]

It depends on his relationship with his wife. If he wouldn't mind her knowing about the chats and reading them then it isn't inappropriate. If he would then he has already passed the edge of propriety.

 

Yes, I agree. I wonder if anyone here (a woman in particular) wouldn't mind if they were the wife. I know I would!

[Brieanna]

I wouldn’t mind so long as my partner was not logging on specifically to chat with the woman, as long as he was open about including me in the conversations as I may naturally pop up, as long as the woman was not being flirty and he was not. Also, I feel that anything I do out of site of my partner, should be the same as if he were there. So if either of us feel weird if the other accidentally got hold of the chat history...that would be the indicator to me that something isn't ok.

 

I have male friends. I also speak to people in chat on game sites and want to have my partner be ok with this. Yet, I also would have to compromise if my partner did not share my open view about this. I could minimize chats and stuff if I felt it would be helpful to our connection for some reason. I hope my partner would also compromise with me if I found myself feeling uncomfortable for some reason....and it could be a negotiable discussion.

[snowboy91]

I had an interaction today that reminded me of your thread, hippychick3.

 

All day I got to work one-on-one with a male colleague who is married. I know his wife, too. We were working with clients together but had time at the beginning and end of the day just the two of us, and we chatted. He's really easy to talk with and very intelligent as well as very kind. If he were single, I might be interested in him but as it stands I just really like him. And here's the thing:

 

Even though his wife does not work where we do, she is very much present in our conversations, both on my end, and on his. I can tell how much he cares for her; his commitment to her is solid, and I take care to show how much I respect that, always telling him to say hi to her from me and so I think given we've established that regard for his commitment, we are free to just chat without any concern that any of it crosses a boundary. The boundaries are there and we acknowledge them. This is when it feels acceptable for a man and woman to talk and laugh one on one together--when everyone's commitment and personal responsibility are solid.

 

Maybe this guy would be fine in what he's doing if he also talked with you about his wife and their life together and showed you in how he talks about her that he really loves her. But since it's not that, no, I don't think what he's doing is appropriate. Maybe not "wrong," per se, right now, or with bad intentions, but part of being responsible is not starting down any slippery slopes.

 

I don't know if I articulated any of this well but hope it helps.

 

Can't agree with this more. If someone has a clear commitment to their partner and it comes up in conversation (it doesn't have to be often), then the boundary just seems to be natural. It is, however, a heck of a lot easier to work out where the boundary is when you're talking in person rather than by text.

[happyhusband0005]

Personally I would have no problem with my wife being friendly with a guy online and didn't tell me. Especially if it's just innocent banter. Some people are just super outgoing. Maybe he likes talking to you and fantasizing about you but if hasn't said anything inappropriate I don't see how anyone could be upset. If you want to protect on the downside of your bf finding out and being mad, ask your boyfriend if it bothers him. If he says yes you can take that into consideration. It also might mean your bf is a little insecure.

[hippychick3]

Update...

 

 

I totally forgot about this thread until it just popped up on my screen with a new post.

 

A couple days after I posted this, I let the conversation and thus subsequent games fade away. He was too talkative for me. I couldnt and didn’t want to keep up with him. So my responses were much shorter and I didn’t encourage further questions or discussion. He got the hint and we stopped playing each other.