Laura81 Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 hi everyone, new to this forum. Backstory: I am about a week into NC with my xMM after a D-day after a 1.5 year A. He stopped communicating with me after his W found out. I'm devastated. However, what complicates the NC for me is that he is a musician that plays a gig literally on my street once a week. I always used to go with him. Now I realize I'll have to sit at home knowing he's right down the street once a week, not wanting to see me, otherwise he would. What should I do to get through this night? Leave my apartment for the evening? It's torture to sit here and just grit my teeth. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Go out for the evening and do something fun for you. Celebrate yourself. Don't let him make you miserable. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laura81 Posted March 6, 2018 Author Share Posted March 6, 2018 Thank you. He has to walk by my ground-floor apartment on his way to the venue, unless he is thoughtful enough to change his route (hint: he isn't). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 I would make plans to meet a friend or take a class. Then, you are sure to be out and having fun that evening. No chance you will wander down the street... because that would be a very poor choice to make. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laura81 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Well, D-day happened about two weeks ago. I've been NC for a little over a week, posting this to keep from going crazy as I'm still hurting... First of all, when I began seeing him, he deliberately led me to believe he was single. He had his own apartment, that he got mail at and everything, that I stayed over at, so I believed this. When things started to get more "serious" six or so months later, he sat me down to tell me "surprise!" He was married. Turns out his "real" apartment was with his wife one neighborhood over from mine, and he always his his wedding ring in his pocket. (His stupid wedding ring is made of wood, btw. It doesn't even look like a wedding ring. I believe that's a deliberate choice on his part, so he looks "available" even when he's wearing it). That apartment was just a rent-controlled one that he had had for years and years, it was so cheap that he hung onto it and used it as a kind of office. The next year is on me, as I kept seeing him. A few weeks ago, his wife started to talking about "suspicions" and "intuition" and I had hoped it was a phase that would pass. Next thing, boom: I got a text from him that said "No texts, don't call. Email only." So rude and cold. Then an email from him saying he'd been confronted by his W with printouts of me (photos from social media) from the internet. He said she knew "everything" about me (I doubt it, but okay) but that nevertheless, he had denied everything (gaslighting her of course). Then he said that he wanted to see me again (hah) but needed some time, and finally that the W had threatened to hire a private investigator to follow him around and check up on him. That's what I think about whenever I feel like crying... I bet he's scared now, as he runs around town - he has no idea if she really DID hire a private investigator or not. He might be being followed - he has no idea! Sleep well, xMM... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Does this mean that YOU are now done with HIM? Is this a blessing in disguise? Perhaps, it's a sign from the universe telling you to move on and leave this lying, cheating man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laura81 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Does this mean that YOU are now done with HIM? Is this a blessing in disguise? Perhaps, it's a sign from the universe telling you to move on and leave this lying, cheating man? I'm NC, aren't I? Link to post Share on other sites
CatMinx Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I'm NC, aren't I? For a week, yes. It’ll get harder before it gets easier. Just make sure you stick to it. Also, if she has your name and social media handles, you’d better watch your own back too. Especially if he is gaslighting and trickle truthing..the more she discovers, the angrier she will be..yes he cheated but you willingly helped..she no doubt loathes you. She wouldn’t be the first BS to attack an OW and she wouldn’t be the last. Be careful with this..stay safe. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 hi everyone, new to this forum. Backstory: I am about a week into NC with my xMM after a D-day after a 1.5 year A. He stopped communicating with me after his W found out. I'm devastated. However, what complicates the NC for me is that he is a musician that plays a gig literally on my street once a week. I always used to go with him. Now I realize I'll have to sit at home knowing he's right down the street once a week, not wanting to see me, otherwise he would. What should I do to get through this night? Leave my apartment for the evening? It's torture to sit here and just grit my teeth. Why sit at home? I'm sure there are other bars and restaurants you can go to other than that particular one. Call friends and go out somewhere else. See a movie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ViridianBlue Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Is it possible to move at some point? Him knowing where you live sets it up for him to drop in at some point and reconnect. He will probably try to contact you when things cool down, at least that’s what the MM I’m involved with has done. Put your needs first as much as you can, I know it is hard for you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laura81 Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 Is it possible to move at some point? Him knowing where you live sets it up for him to drop in at some point and reconnect. He will probably try to contact you when things cool down, at least that’s what the MM I’m involved with has done. Put your needs first as much as you can, I know it is hard for you right now. That's a good question, esp. since I also live close to the apt. he shares with his W. Unfortunately I'm stuck. I just signed a one-year lease. I just hope he knows to stay away from me - I know he'll be having the urge to tap on my window, call from down the street, etc. I hope he has the good sense not to, for my sake anyway. I tried to let him know how much he hurt me before I went NC for that reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 That's what I think about whenever I feel like crying... I bet he's scared now, as he runs around town - he has no idea if she really DID hire a private investigator or not. He might be being followed - he has no idea! Sleep well, xMM... You don't have to worry about that; he IS sleeping well--with his arms wrapped around his wife, right after he makes loves to her and says "I love you". He falls asleep next to her and wakes up next to her, and will continue to do so for the rest of his life. You were his mistress, his secret, and an object to him for entertainment. He is cunning, talented, and devious: it wasn't an accident that he hid his marital status and just happened to have an apartment so conveniently. Just out of curiosity I wonder how many other women have seen and been to his apartment. Do anything, something, everything...whatever, but do NOT allow yourself to get sucked back in when he makes contact again, because he WILL. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Sorry you're going through this OP. He WILL contact you again once the dust settles at home. He'll tell you lies like "I missed you" and "couldn't stop thinking about you" and whatever it takes to reel you back in. Please don't let him. Turn your 'hope he stays away' to 'I will not let this man back into my life. I deserve better'. Because you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 You have nobody to blame but yourself. You knew he was married. You reap what you sow OP Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I tried to let him know how much he hurt me before I went NC for that reason. I think that will have the opposite effect that you intended. This guy sounds like such a predator that I doubt he cares one bit that he has hurt you. He probably doesn't have the natural empathy that most people do. Instead he will take this to mean that you are going to be willing to do the "Pick me Dance." So that he can come back and use you again. I'm sorry for your pain and that you were tricked like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Did he ever tell you he would leave his wife for you after you found out about his marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 The dust is likely to settle because of the scenario that Burnt has described. He seems to be skilled at gaslighting his wife. Add to that the we *want* to trust the people we love and sometimes we stick our heads in the sand in an effort not to unsettle our worlds... so, when the dust settles, imagine that he will start going through his mental rolodex in search of you or anyone else he has gotten over on in the past. Don't let it be you that he finds. His situation will be exactly the same. He is unworthy of any of your attention. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Stay away from him. If his wife showed him pictures of you from your social media, it is likely that she knows a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laura81 Posted March 9, 2018 Author Share Posted March 9, 2018 Did he ever tell you he would leave his wife for you after you found out about his marriage? Yes, I heard that line from him several times. "Someday in the future" yadda yadda yadda. Link to post Share on other sites
grassisorisntgreener Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 You should show up at his gig with a new man 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2018 Share Posted March 10, 2018 I also think he's had quite a few womenn at his loveshack (apartment) over the years. His wife was likely onto him from past experience. Link to post Share on other sites
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