GF came back, then I snooped and everything's resurfaced.

[TwinFlameGone]

details of the breakup are on another post. after NC 30+, we had a reunion date and we haven't left each other since. its been 6 months of being back together. relationship has been about 3 years now.

 

summary of the breakup was she went on a trip that sounded sketchy. i breakup with her, and later find pics of her with a guy. when i confronted her about the guy she says it doesn't matter because she's single. lots more detail, but I'll keep it at that.

 

anyways, 6 months of living together again and back we're back in loving couple mode. things have been terrific. she's away visiting family and i guess out of my loneliness I snoop and I find a couple of greeting cards from the same "platonic" friend. he's sending cards and apologizing, and asking her to check her mail to receive a gift he sent. he mentions their relationship and he's writing saying that he hopes it's not over, and that he hopes she feels the same.

 

even though the cards are dated back around the time when she moved out and we were in NC it sort of brought back memories of the distance around that time and her vague answers to basic questions you'd share to a SO.

 

should I ignore it and continue with how things are? since she's been back, she's been doing everything right. a really terrific girlfriend, we're even discussing marriage now. snooping and finding this stuff brought up the pain of the BU.

 

how do I get past this?

[salparadise]

I went and looked at the previous thread... so, have you figured out what her trip was all about? Was she trying to sneak off with this other guy and you figured it out, and thus the breakup? Or did this guy come onto the scene after it happened? It's a critical distinction.

 

If you caught her sneaking off to bang this guy, you've got a legitimate trust issue that's probably never going to go away. The only chance is if she's completely forthcoming, apologetic and willing to do what it takes to rebuild. But it doesn't sound like that's in her nature––you said that she blame shifted, is not forthcoming, not open or communicative and does the cold as ice routine.

 

If this guy came into the picture after the breakup then you need to see it as forgivable, and she needs to be transparent about the whole thing.

 

From what I can tell, it seems like you two are not being transparent and doing what it takes to rebuild trust. Without trust it's not going to work. If the facts surrounding how and when this other guy came into the mix remains ambiguous it's going to bother you from now on. If she's still in communication with him, not good at all.

 

I think you two need to put it all out on the table and deal with it openly. If she lies to you or thinks that you have no right to know what happened, I don't see how you'd ever be able to put it behind you.

[TwinFlameGone]

I went and looked at the previous thread... so, have you figured out what her trip was all about? Was she trying to sneak off with this other guy and you figured it out, and thus the breakup? Or did this guy come onto the scene after it happened? It's a critical distinction.

 

The guy was someone who I had known about before the trip. She was complaining about a classmate that had a crush on her and had posted pics of them together on his social media account. He then took them down. I was never worried, because the guy didn't seem like her type. He's a short, chubby guy and she's like 5'9", very tall and lean. After the trip, the breakup and we finally got back dating I asked her about it and she seemed repulsed at the idea of them sleeping together.

 

When I found the notes of him apologizing and being whiny about a "relationship" it changed everything that she told me. I don't think I'll confront her about it because things have been great. Also, I was snooping in an old bag of hers that contains tons of letters and cards from old boyfriends, or business cards of guys that tried dating her. I noticed the notes from the guy and they are all dated around the time of her moving out and our NC.

[Marc878]

Meh, it’s ok if you want to date her but her suspicious trip where she broke trust was never resolved. It appears like your buried your head in the sand over that. Sounds like she had a fling at your expense and came back after finding the grass wasn’t greener. It doesn’t seem like you achieved NC.

 

With that said she isn’t some one I’d consider marriage material.

 

I suspect you only know the “tip of the iceberg”.

 

Good luck, I think you’ll need it.

[Marc878]

The guy was someone who I had known about before the trip. She was complaining about a classmate that had a crush on her and had posted pics of them together on his social media account. He then took them down. I was never worried, because the guy didn't seem like her type. He's a short, chubby guy and she's like 5'9", very tall and lean. After the trip, the breakup and we finally got back dating I asked her about it and she seemed repulsed at the idea of them sleeping together.

 

they went on a trip together though didn’t they? Why would she tell you the truth? It’s in her best interest not to.

 

When I found the notes of him apologizing and being whiny about a "relationship" it changed everything that she told me. I don't think I'll confront her about it because things have been great. Also, I was snooping in an old bag of hers that contains tons of letters and cards from old boyfriends, or business cards of guys that tried dating her. I noticed the notes from the guy and they are all dated around the time of her moving out and our NC.

 

If you can live with it that’s totally up to you.

[TwinFlameGone]

Meh, it’s ok if you want to date her but her suspicious trip where she broke trust was never resolved. It appears like your buried your head in the sand over that. Sounds like she had a fling at your expense and came back after finding the grass wasn’t greener. It doesn’t seem like you achieved NC.

 

With that said she isn’t some one I’d consider marriage material.

 

I suspect you only know the “tip of the iceberg”.

 

Good luck, I think you’ll need it.

 

so what do I do now. I took her back and she's been the very best. Things are going well and I had been looking forward to our future. coming across these notes while snooping is what brought in the confusion. i'll bring it up if the conversation is justified, but to come out the blue and start harping on the past would be a set back. we'd be ending things due to my insecurity, which caused me to snoop. i guess i was trying to map the pieces together.

[Marc878]

so what do I do now. I took her back and she's been the very best. Things are going well and I had been looking forward to our future. coming across these notes while snooping is what brought in the confusion. i'll bring it up if the conversation is justified, but to come out the blue and start harping on the past would be a set back. we'd be ending things due to my insecurity, which caused me to snoop. i guess i was trying to map the pieces together.

 

Your insecurity? Or her untrustworthiness?

 

Things appeared to be good before her trip too, right?

 

If you're ok with her behavior then it doesn't matter much but you're here for a reason aren't you?

 

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.

 

She's just a gf. You aren't married to her.

 

However, from what I've seen rug-sweeping leads to long term discontent.

 

Your life is up to you. You have to make that call.

 

She does have some control over you. From your past posts you never achieved true NC and took her back without any resolution unless I missed something.

[TwinFlameGone]

Your insecurity? Or her untrustworthiness?

 

Things appeared to be good before her trip too, right?

 

If you're ok with her behavior then it doesn't matter much but you're here for a reason aren't you?

 

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.

 

She's just a gf. You aren't married to her.

 

However, from what I've seen rug-sweeping leads to long term discontent.

 

Your life is up to you. You have to make that call.

 

She does have some control over you. From your past posts you never achieved true NC and took her back without any resolution unless I missed something.

 

We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them. When we were hanging out, she brought up the status of our relationship and wanted to know what I wanted. I was really unsure. She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great. So to snoop and find the notes, just rekindled some of the feelings during the BU/NC period.

[BluesPower]

We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them. When we were hanging out, she brought up the status of our relationship and wanted to know what I wanted. I was really unsure. She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great. So to snoop and find the notes, just rekindled some of the feelings during the BU/NC period.

 

She went on a trip with a guy... and you took her back.

 

I guess the price of the trip was banging the guy she was with??? I guess that is cool, if you are ok with it.

 

Why do you think she was VAUGE with her answers. Because she wanted a free vacation and the only thing she had to do was bang the guy.

 

You know it was the "Girl friend experience", no big deal...

 

Are you out of your mind, are you that desperate for a GF?

 

Wow...

[Marc878]

We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them. When we were hanging out, she brought up the status of our relationship and wanted to know what I wanted. I was really unsure. She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great. So to snoop and find the notes, just rekindled some of the feelings during the BU/NC period.

 

So I take it the notes show she was lying? Or not?

[marky00]

hmmm, what's done is done in my opinion.

 

Its been too long to bring this up now. You will regret it if your bring it up, given that things are going good (according to you).

 

I can totally understand this makes you question things but this is why snooping or looking at things from the past brings no good with it, especially looking at stuff that happened when you 2 were not even a couple (or at the tail end of your relationship before it ended).

 

By all means, use this finding to keep your eyes wide open but I just don't see how bringing this up is going to work out well.

 

Imagine the discussion. You bring up the fact your butt hurt about what you discovered (you say it in a needy and clingy way). She leaves because she doesn't want to deal with it. If that is how you want things to go down, by all means tell her.

[Marc878]

Or bury your head deeper in the sand and take what you're given.

[ExpatInItaly]

anyways, 6 months of living together again and back we're back in loving couple mode. things have been terrific. she's away visiting family and i guess out of my loneliness I snoop and I find a couple of greeting cards from the same "platonic" friend. he's sending cards and apologizing, and asking her to check her mail to receive a gift he sent. he mentions their relationship and he's writing saying that he hopes it's not over, and that he hopes she feels the same.

 

Yeah, this guy was not just her friend.

 

You two reconciled on false pretenses. There was more to her "friendship" with him, but you took her back on the understanding that there wasn't. Correct? Now you have evidence that indicates they were much more than friends.

 

It sounds like she cheated, left you to test-drive him, and came back to you when things didn't work out with him. No, you should not ignore that. You can't have a truly healthy relationship without transparency and trust. You have neither, here.

[salparadise]

We had a big discussion about our breakup. She claimed she went on a trip with classmates and that I read it wrong and called the breakup. The guy was just a friend that has a crush on her and said there was no intimacy between them.

 

Do you believe she's telling the truth? Do the notes support that conclusion? Was she honest and forthcoming when you had the discussion?

 

She left to go on vacation with a guy she knew had the hots for her, and the justification is that they didn't have sex. But you felt it as a betrayal nonetheless, which I believe it was. If she's not owning it... where does that leave you?

 

She had a nervous breakdown, lots of tears, sobbing, etc. She said she wanted to be together and from there things got into motion and shortly she moved back in. Since moving back in together we picked up right where we left off. Things have been great.

 

It's too easy [for us] to simply conclude that she's unworthy when it's not us with the feelings of love, attachment and heartbreak. It seems like you really want this to work, and that she's doing her best now. But it's important that you have real confidence in her, as opposed to rug-sweeping the episode and pretending it's resolved.

 

Opening your heart and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone is hard enough when everything is congruent. If the facts are ambiguous, or just don't add up, it will be impossible. I think the two of you need to get to a place of honesty and congruity.

 

I wish there was something we could say to make it all better, but there's not. At the very least she needs to be taking responsibility for her part and assuring you that nothing like that will ever happen again. You need to be honest with yourself as to whether you can believe in her.

 

I'd suggest that you consider seeing a counselor/therapist. You are in a very difficult place, and deciding whether to move forward with her (marriage) will be the most important decision of your life.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a little confused on the timing.

 

You recently found the notes but what were the dates of the notes? If the notes were dated when the initial trouble started & during the time you were apart, the only thing to be upset about is that she still has them. I understand why finding them would have triggered your upset feelings but you have to focus on the fact that she picked you over him.

 

If the notes are more recent, indicating that she is still in contact with this guy even after having reconciled with you, then you need to just walk away because she never fully came back.

[BluesPower]

I'm a little confused on the timing.

 

You recently found the notes but what were the dates of the notes? If the notes were dated when the initial trouble started & during the time you were apart, the only thing to be upset about is that she still has them. I understand why finding them would have triggered your upset feelings but you have to focus on the fact that she picked you over him.

 

If the notes are more recent, indicating that she is still in contact with this guy even after having reconciled with you, then you need to just walk away because she never fully came back.

 

He said around the time... so if it was before/after the trip then she was cheating.

 

And the whole trip thing is just so out of line to start with.

 

Who cares if she picked him if she was cheating?

[d0nnivain]

He said around the time... so if it was before/after the trip then she was cheating.

 

And the whole trip thing is just so out of line to start with.

 

Who cares if she picked him if she was cheating?

 

He took her back after the cheating. So he was OK to put it behind them. Unless the issue is that she told him it was no big deal but now based on the discovery of these notes, he's finding out there was something to the other relationship. But, if the OP & the girl broke up over the trip and after they were official apart she took up with the other guy, it's not cheating.

 

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.

[BluesPower]

He took her back after the cheating. So he was OK to put it behind them. Unless the issue is that she told him it was no big deal but now based on the discovery of these notes, he's finding out there was something to the other relationship. But, if the OP & the girl broke up over the trip and after they were official apart she took up with the other guy, it's not cheating.

 

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.

 

I get you. I am confused as well.

 

For me, the fact that she went on a spooning vacation with another guy is reason to break up and stay that way.

 

I think he broke up during the trip.

 

My point is, we all know she lied and slept with the guy and for GF's you should never take them back as a rule.

 

My 2 cents...

[SpecialJ]

This is a communication problem, and it's why it's hard to get back together with anyone. The air has to be fully cleared first, and it's difficult to do that with someone you may have had a communication breakdown with to begin with.

 

I wouldn't tell her about the letters (I keep all my old things like that, though I never look at them, and it means zero about any new relationships except I don't like throwing personal items out). But I would bring it up. Kind of like: things have been really great between us lately. I'm happy and recognize and appreciate how you've been a great partner since we got back together, and I want things to keep going in that direction. So I hope I can open up to you and we can communicate better about what happened during the break up than we did before, because I really want to leave it behind us but a couple things are still bothering me. I want to work through them instead of letting them fester now that I think we're close enough again to have a conversation like that and continue building trust.

 

It will be nerve wracking to bring up, but if you really are on the right track now then it shouldn't be as big a deal for her to participate in the conversation this time -- especially if you make her feel secure in the relationship first and not like you're going to attack her about it. Acknowledge you have your short comings too, and you don't want this to forever be a background issue making you insecure, so you'll feel better if you talk and then it's on you to deal with it for good and not hold against her. (This approach assumes she never cheated.)

[salparadise]

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.

 

The way I understand it is that she decided to go on vacation with the guy (who was pursuing her) while she and OP were together, against his wishes, and he broke up while they were away. She portrays it as innocent because she considers him a platonic friend, and claims they did not have sex.

 

OP doesn't have any way of knowing if they slept together or were "dating" other than her word... but in the letters the other guy calls it a relationship and says he hopes it's not over. The notes he found seem to indicate that there was more to it than the way she billed it. Regardless of whether they did the deed or didn't, she seems to think that taking off with the other guy was something she should've been able to get away with under the "platonic" exemption, and that the breakup was not justified... an overreaction on his part.

 

OP is stuck between his desire to have his girlfriend back, knowing that she left with the other guy without regard for his feelings, respect, or the consequences. They're back together, but he's struggling with the ambiguity of what this was, what actually happened between them, and not knowing if the gf is telling the truth or playing him for a schmuck.

[d0nnivain]

OP

 

 

If salparadise's explanation is correct, she is playing you for a schmuck to use his words. You are kind of her fall back position. You took her back thinking she was telling you the truth but these letters seem to indicate that the relationship with the other guy was way more serious / involved then you had been lead to believe. I don't think I'd give her a 3rd chance if I were you.

[TwinFlameGone]

I'm a little confused on the timing.

 

You recently found the notes but what were the dates of the notes? If the notes were dated when the initial trouble started & during the time you were apart, the only thing to be upset about is that she still has them. I understand why finding them would have triggered your upset feelings but you have to focus on the fact that she picked you over him.

 

If the notes are more recent, indicating that she is still in contact with this guy even after having reconciled with you, then you need to just walk away because she never fully came back.

 

The notes are from a gift delivery of some sort. It’s deliveries a week a part. The letters correspond to 30 days after our BU and into about 2 weeks of NC. She had finally gathered her things from my place. I went silent. Around the time the gifts were sent she was sending me breadcrumbs, which I was ignoring.

 

It’s funny how these notes provide some insight of what was going on while I was suffering, but disciplined in NC. The tone of the two notes were all apologetic, but it seemed as though she had been ignoring him. He’s responding and sort of being needy.

 

A week or two after the last note was when she made an attempt to meet with me to return something insignificant. That led to our reunion date and several more afterwards.

[TwinFlameGone]

He took her back after the cheating. So he was OK to put it behind them. Unless the issue is that she told him it was no big deal but now based on the discovery of these notes, he's finding out there was something to the other relationship. But, if the OP & the girl broke up over the trip and after they were official apart she took up with the other guy, it's not cheating.

 

Again, I'm not clear about the timing of some of these events.

 

I stopped returning her calls the day she left on the trip. Had bad vibes from the start. She emailed me to confront me about ignoring calls and from there I just ended things. This was before I even knew about another guy even being there. We fought on email for a bit and her take was “you just broke up with me. I don’t have to explain anything”

 

She explained herself and pegged me as insecure and said there were other the ppl there. The guy is only a friend, etc.

 

The notes were dated after our BU and I was in NC. Maybe two months after all the drama started.

[TwinFlameGone]

The way I understand it is that she decided to go on vacation with the guy (who was pursuing her) while she and OP were together, against his wishes, and he broke up while they were away. She portrays it as innocent because she considers him a platonic friend, and claims they did not have sex.

 

OP doesn't have any way of knowing if they slept together or were "dating" other than her word... but in the letters the other guy calls it a relationship and says he hopes it's not over. The notes he found seem to indicate that there was more to it than the way she billed it. Regardless of whether they did the deed or didn't, she seems to think that taking off with the other guy was something she should've been able to get away with under the "platonic" exemption, and that the breakup was not justified... an overreaction on his part.

 

OP is stuck between his desire to have his girlfriend back, knowing that she left with the other guy without regard for his feelings, respect, or the consequences. They're back together, but he's struggling with the ambiguity of what this was, what actually happened between them, and not knowing if the gf is telling the truth or playing him for a schmuck.

 

She left telling me her and a girlfriend were going. I knew about the guy previously. She complained to me that he posted a pic of them together on his social media page and made him take it down. I never saw the guy as a threat. GF is 5’9”, tall and lean. The guy is maybe 5’6”, short and chubby. When I accused her of sleeping with him she got offended. I took the just “friends” thing at her word. She was also inviting me to fly in when she first got there. I was suspicious of the whole thing and was just over it. More like “when you get back come and get your things. Hope everything works out”

[d0nnivain]

Then the only "evidence" you have is that while she was a free woman, she dated somebody else. While there is some indication that her involvement with the other guy may have begun before that you don't know for sure. So it comes down to this -- do you believe her? If you do, you need to put this behind you & not look back. If you don't, you need to break up. There isn't anything she can do or say to make you change your mind if you are skeptical so save yourself the drama & wasted energy of trying to make her prove a negative.