Meeting someone, how can we protect our heart, it's hopeless.

[Chilli]

Yaknow.

23 yrs ago , before l was married , you just met girls, you liked each other , and boom off it would take , pure and simple.

l was divorced nearly 6yrs ago , it was pretty clear day one it's a totally different and messed up world out there now , tbh l wouldn't wish the singles thing on my worst enemy these days.

 

And the women l'd meet now aren't the teens or 20s back then. Usually 40s somewhere.

But man , they are no more.

l was with someone nearly 2 yrs , she wasn't just anyone, not just the date date crap you read about, but still , she went a bit crazy, 48. She was also a little bpd'ish. But later she expalined and she came good, it was a huge step for her and we felt indestructible.

We talked marriage, the works. Suddenly she's vegan and with a whole new view , attitude , wants. She pushed and pushed our relationship from day one, then just flips like a cork.

 

Then l met N.

Well l was still thinking about T , l was just looking really when l met N , but again she was everything l could ever want and she liked me immediately too, saw all the same things l saw, wanted all the same , l wrote about her right here on LS.

We'd only been seeing each other a few weeks but it was very clear from day one that this was big. l couldn't believe l'd somehow gotten so lucky , twice now, since divorce.

l'm very picky , l don't date , l need that someone.

 

Well she wasn't quite divorced yet , l know , but they'd been separated 9yrs and she'd been out on her own 12 mths. l know , that ain't perfect, but 9 yrs well.

After 5 or 6 wks , l mean we couldn't believe this had happened, AGAIN . What would that make me the luckiest guy on the planet or what. But it had.

YET,,,,,,,,, again no , she didn't turn vegan and new age over night.

But she did turn around and accuse me, out of nowhere and l don't screw around, l don't even date. l wait. Well she turned up. That no guy now wants a relationship! They all just want sex.

And so she wasn't prepared to risk going any further. Because she didn't trust me.

And now that's done.

We were even talking about me selling up and moving down to her, 3hours away.

T , yes T , was moving over here , from the other side of the world , for me, That was ouit next move. Over night she becomes vegan and suddenly we have different beliefs and it's no good.

 

I JUST MEAN WTF ?

 

A friend of ours here is in the 60s , fell in love , and even she suddenly backflips , turns and runs over some thing from his past decades ago.

In her 60s. ?????????????? Again l just mean wtf . ?

 

Yaknow , l'm not dumb when it comes to women and l've never been single since l was 14. l had great gf's and later when l got married although it hasn't survived, l can say she was a great lady, we have a beautiful very intelligent daughter and it was 19 years l was mostly very lucky to have.

But this , the now , the heads and mentality , l've never , ever , seen anything or gone through anything like it.Just how on Gods earth do we protect ourselves from this. l'm not kidding if l can't pick it no one can, but l can't.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Of course there were gaps in my teens and 20s. 6 mths or a year .

And Years later when my marriage didn't work out , l spent nearly 3 yrs totally alone sorting myself out.

 

But you could still pretty well say l've never really been single.

Not for any length of time anyway , but l've never come across this stuff .

 

l know , there's been a lot of life since my teens and 20s for everyone , and marriages and divorces and the whole ugly bit , lots of life has happened, l know , l've been through it .

 

But still. !

[Purepony]

I understand what you are saying but I don’t even know where to begin on this subject

[Chilli]

Thanks pp , yeah , l hear ya. That could've been 20 pages long.

 

The thing is , l'm not just talking about 2 women , taling 100s , all over date sites and profiles, LS, the stories are endless and mind boggling.

 

l've always had great taste in women and anyone l've ever been involved with was simply in the end not compatible earlier in is all, always parted on good terms.

Ex w and l are on very good terms , our daughter is doing really well, l've steered many a friend over the years away from disaster too which always proved right , but this stuff now, this is too much. l'm at a total loss.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Chilli

[todreaminblue]

hey chilli

 

the world is in chaos...chaotic.....therefore everything int he world is chaotic including dating including people.....but in that chaos are people like you and me and many many more who are ready for love and not in a state of turmoil.....we just have to find them....or them find us...in the chaos...somewhere ....in the ocean of people....

 

i feel you have just have to have your heart open so when the right person comes into your life ....they see you and you see them....deb

[Chilli]

Exactly deb , and we'd found each other , same beliefs as you talk right there , love , everything either of us could ever poss' dream of, especially second time round, she'd take a bullet for me ,a lot of things you say right there were very words from both of us, but even she flips !

 

lt's like lf l can't trust my own judgment which has never let me down in my life, l'm screwed.

But l can't anymore.

 

lt seems impossible to see this stuff coming now days.

[todreaminblue]

Exactly deb , and we'd found each other , same beliefs as you talk right there , love , everything either of us could ever poss' dream of, especially second time round, she'd take a bullet for me ,a lot of things you say right there were very words from both of us, but even she flips !

 

lt's like lf l can't trust my own judgment which has never let me down in my life, l'm screwed.

But l can't anymore.

 

lt seems impossible to see this stuff coming now days.

 

 

keep the faith chilli......some people actually back the words they have to say ..they actually mean them....deb

[Chilli]

Yeah , l hope some still do , surely. l don't think there's a lie detector they couldn't fool though.

 

Yaknow , things l talked about weren't just abiout one or twp girls.

 

There were plenty before them l'd just met but nothing there or some became friends. But even they showed all the same stuff.

 

Here's one l met , she was 3 hours away so we talked awk and 1/2 , then she says you've gotta come over , don't worry you can sleep on the couch.

 

l stayed there 3 days , she wasn't going to be anything but a nice friend but still.

The last night we got drunk and talked all night , l was leaving in the morning, she's saying l'm the best friend she's ever had.

l went home , she went back to work.

 

2 days later she text wanna came to the tennis, l said sorry l'm working, what about the Saturday matches.

Never heard from her again, ever .

 

The best friend she'd ever had eh.

Edited March 8, 2018 by Chilli

[nospam99]

Hey Chilli, I feel like I should chime in. Not that I have an answer (obviously ) but to at least commiserate. You've had my back emotionally, if I can do the same for you with words of support I'll try. Bottom line: you have my sympathy and my wishes that you and SOMEONE (anyone? Nah - I wish that yours will be both special and permanent) will find each other.

 

I agree with your observation about the flakiness. Again, no answer from me. But if I may wax philosophical, I don't think it's just the grandmothers that I'm running into (though more and more they are NOT grandmothers, only old enough to be - because the generation of their and my children are also dealing with f---ed up relationships and not forming nuclear families). Those younger generations too, younger men and younger women, are failing to find .... love .... because so many of them are flakes. We don't see or meet the ones that are mentally and emotionally stable because they're off in their worlds of .... stability and relative contentment.

 

All I can close with is what I keep telling myself - hang in there, keep trying. My high school track coach (now long dead) had an aphorism that I've tried to live by (can't say it's always gotten results though ) - 'Aim for the stars. You may not reach them. But you'll land pretty high.'

 

As always hope, and best wishes.

[todreaminblue]

Hey Chilli, I feel like I should chime in. Not that I have an answer (obviously ) but to at least commiserate. You've had my back emotionally, if I can do the same for you with words of support I'll try. Bottom line: you have my sympathy and my wishes that you and SOMEONE (anyone? Nah - I wish that yours will be both special and permanent) will find each other.

 

I agree with your observation about the flakiness. Again, no answer from me. But if I may wax philosophical, I don't think it's just the grandmothers that I'm running into (though more and more they are NOT grandmothers, only old enough to be - because the generation of their and my children are also dealing with f---ed up relationships and not forming nuclear families). Those younger generations too, younger men and younger women, are failing to find .... love .... because so many of them are flakes. We don't see or meet the ones that are mentally and emotionally stable because they're off in their worlds of .... stability and relative contentment.

 

All I can close with is what I keep telling myself - hang in there, keep trying. My high school track coach (now long dead) had an aphorism that I've tried to live by (can't say it's always gotten results though ) - 'Aim for the stars. You may not reach them. But you'll land pretty high.'

 

As always hope, and best wishes.

 

 

nice one spam.....deb

[Chilli]

Yeah it was nos thanks man very appreciated.

 

So it's across the board , nooo, l'm back to thinking l'll become a monk.

 

l have but one solution.

 

Go and see the best shrink l can find and get a madness/lie detector form - with questions and boxes to tick.

 

When we meet someone , please fill this out.

 

Not enough ticks , flake, keep walkin.

[Chilli]

Just kidding btw but hey , l'm feeling the need for something that's for sure.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah it was nos thanks man very appreciated.

 

So it's across the board , nooo, l'm back to thinking l'll become a monk.

 

l have but one solution.

 

Go and see the best shrink l can find and get a madness/lie detector form - with questions and boxes to tick.

 

When we meet someone , please fill this out.

Not enough ticks , flake, keep walkin.

 

:lmao:

 

When we were young, unless we had a really difficult upbringing, we didn't have enough "stuff" happen in our lives to make us jaded and untrusting. So it was easier. It was more pure and innocent.

 

Now that we're older, so much has happened to screw us up. We trust less, change our minds and become wishy-washy more, have more baggage and "triggers." That's why it's harder to find a partner.

[nospam99]

Now that we're older, so much has happened to screw us up. We trust less, change our minds and become wishy-washy more, have more baggage and "triggers." That's why it's harder to find a partner.

 

No offense, but speak for yourself (and those with similar attitudes), CO. We each have our own individual thresholds. Not to say that there aren't times when I feel 'hopeless' almost to the point of depression. But that hopelessness is countered by my attitude as a Hopeless Romantic (incidentally a Personality self-assessment on POF which I share with many of the women I get matched with). Even some 'older' people (maybe being stupidly starry-eyed) haven't yet experienced enough getting screwed up to have lost the will to work past the baggage. (But give it a little more time and one or two more breakups .)

 

With respect to finding a partner, meeting is the first step. Rather than harder, I am finding it so much easier to meet now than 40 years ago when I was overlooked for the 6'2'' studs with 8'' junk and the desire and capacity to drink (or smoke) both themselves and their target partners de jour into a stupor.

[Chilli]

Really , great news you find it easier now nos, who would've thought.

 

But l have to admit , l see what CO is saying in most unattached women l've met so far or know of, they might find it in men too, l dunno, l'm not interested in men.

But tbh , l actually put younger years down to they know themselves better if anything, their head is still clear and yeah of course too no damage co talks about

l even see it in my 16yr old , she's incredible. She sees and puts things together most 40yr olds would need to read a book about, in seconds. lt's simple, cut and dry, pure logic and common sense.

 

But the thing l'm finding now and see over and over in women , not just mine,is that they just don't know their own minds , their true selves. It's like pop corn going off in there.

They don't seem to understand anymore either how life works, how time works, it's effects and it's limits, especially it's running out.

We've already lived the prime of our life to give things our best shot , in looks, youth and physically, enthusiasm, time. So how did that go, you know ?

Or particularly the law of averages and odds now, which they've had their whole life to watch and to know by now how everything works.

They get it earlier when they want kids but then it gets lost.

 

Another thing l see over and over is they're their own worst enemy.

They don't seem to be able to separate life events and people , men , it's all jumbled, more pop corn going off.

One offs that now, they'll be damn lucky if they ever find close again, hence more odds only now a million to one, yet self sabotage,or throw away for one thing, as if they're children with 9 lives left and the world is still their oyster .

 

It's all very very bizarre.

Edited March 9, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Might be safer to meet widows , they'll still have the clear minds of a happy marriage and a stable life , only the missing their lost one to deal with.

[Logo]

I don’t know if I have an answer.

 

From what you describe it seems that this is a problem across all ages and generations these days. Is that what you’re saying?

 

 

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that we don’t bother fixing “things” we own. It’s more cost effective to throw out a toaster or a washing machine and buy new than have either repaired. So no one bothers communicating or problem solving. They just “don’t want to deal with the headache” anymore. It’s too much work, like waiting for a webpage to load in 8 seconds instead of 2. Can you imagine the patience needed for that?

 

 

Maybe we live in a world where everything is temporary, everyone’s in a rush

And they want to make the best of every nanosecond because if A is with B then he or she is missing out on having fun with C. So everyone’s running around trying to find their own perfect utopia. But it doesn’t exist and those people will never be content. They want it all, all at the same time.

 

 

Then you’ve got a whole new phenomenon where people can communicate within seconds across the globe, have long distance relationships with people they’ve never met, but they don’t even say hi to their next door neighbor or at the very least give a courteous nod.

 

 

Who knows!

[Logo]

Might be safer to meet widows , they'll still have the clear minds of a happy marriage and a stable life , only the missing their lost one to deal with.

 

Someone told me about a widow who found a partner at the age of 70 something, but she doesn’t love him. They’re just together because it beats being alone. For her, she’ll always have one love in her life. And he doesn’t care because he’s not alone either.

[Chilli]

Yeah , the throw away mentality sure doesn't help , the fast pace, the media overload , internet overload, date site overload, it's all in there isn't it.

 

The widow thing yeah , the only reason l mentioned that was because there were quite a few chicks on my date site that were widows. Talking still young, 40s.

 

l never saw one l liked so l never met one but l noticed them.

And they usually did still have the very stable old school mentality and thinking, you could see it on their page.

No messy history or damage , just got unlucky and lost him young.

Sad stuff but it was just an observation.

[Agonistes]

You cannot fall in love without making yourself vulnerable.

[todreaminblue]

Yeah it was nos thanks man very appreciated.

 

So it's across the board , nooo, l'm back to thinking l'll become a monk.

 

l have but one solution.

 

Go and see the best shrink l can find and get a madness/lie detector form - with questions and boxes to tick.

 

When we meet someone , please fill this out.

 

Not enough ticks , flake, keep walkin.

 

.... you are funny chilli...i have also considered becoming a monk/nun and breeding llamas...i love people too much though to be isolated forever...i do believe in human hearts all of our human hearts to be inherently good...smilin....just be you....stay true....chilli you will make it through...my mantra for sanity and hope.....i replace chilli with deb ...and think it often......i share it with you...now a chilli mantra....deb

[Chilli]

.... you are funny chilli...i have also considered becoming a monk/nun and breeding llamas...i love people too much though to be isolated forever...i do believe in human hearts all of our human hearts to be inherently good...smilin....just be you....stay true....chilli you will make it through...my mantra for sanity and hope.....i replace chilli with deb ...and think it often......i share it with you...now a chilli mantra....deb

 

Haha better watchit deb or l'll jump through the puter and give you a mushy hug.

Thanks for the mantra , hopefully we won't need it eh. oo

 

Only jokin about the monk hood btw, and the widows. no thanks l've always thought that sort of thing could end up something like what enigma was saying too.

[2.50 a gallon]

"You can not fall in love without making yourself vulnerable"

 

 

After the break up of my marriage, I had a great life. I lived alone but was not lonely. I could do what I wanted, with any one I wanted, whenever I wanted, I had no one to answer to. And when ever I saw love walking down the street headed to my front door, I was out the back door and blocks away down the alley.

I dated and had sex with lots of women, ages from early 20's into the 40's. Most were divorced, and many had kids, there was nothing romantic, we just liked being with each other for the sex. They could slip out of their life for several hours of passion, with no strings attached.

I was in my 40's when I met my current GF, she was hot looking and I knew from the day I met her she was sure to have a boy friend. All I had to do was wait for my chance when they had a fight.

I waited over 2 and half years. Second date, first kiss, my mighty walls melted away, when I went home that night, I realized how lonely my life was. All of my FWB did not matter.

I did not make myself vulnerable. It was already too late, I was falling in love and the only choices I had was to live, what I now saw as a lonely life, or try to build a relationship.

Edited March 10, 2018 by 2.50 a gallon

[Chilli]

You cannot fall in love without making yourself vulnerable.

 

 

Thing is, that stuff was never even an issue back in the day.

These days though , holy hell , people are such a mess.

[unit1]

I don’t know if I have an answer.

 

From what you describe it seems that this is a problem across all ages and generations these days. Is that what you’re saying?

 

 

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that we don’t bother fixing “things” we own. It’s more cost effective to throw out a toaster or a washing machine and buy new than have either repaired. So no one bothers communicating or problem solving. They just “don’t want to deal with the headache” anymore. It’s too much work, like waiting for a webpage to load in 8 seconds instead of 2. Can you imagine the patience needed for that?

 

 

Maybe we live in a world where everything is temporary, everyone’s in a rush

And they want to make the best of every nanosecond because if A is with B then he or she is missing out on having fun with C. So everyone’s running around trying to find their own perfect utopia. But it doesn’t exist and those people will never be content. They want it all, all at the same time.

 

 

Then you’ve got a whole new phenomenon where people can communicate within seconds across the globe, have long distance relationships with people they’ve never met, but they don’t even say hi to their next door neighbor or at the very least give a courteous nod.

 

 

Who knows!

Haha, yes, everyone is rushing for own utopia, no more headaches......