Physcial attraction how important is it?

[ZA Dater]

I was wondering this the other day whilst going about my new routine of more casual and more confident body language.

 

 

Say you meet someone you like and you get on well with the, will lack of physical attraction totally kill the idea even they get along with you? I probably should turn this around and say it might for me but if there was a real connection of sorts that might just turn it.

 

 

The way I see it is yes I am trying new things and trying to change others but in some respects this might come to naught if I get gonged out on physical attraction grounds?

 

 

What I have noticed is ladies seem to like these big bear built guys, I am probably the exact opposite of that, more skinny and athletic and I wondering if I should even bother with ladies who apparently like that big bear type build? Or do I try hoping that my characteristics as a person might be enough to overshadow?

[Chilli]

lt's far more important to some than others.

Some grows with the person , some starts with the attraction.

lt doesn't mean they have to be a model , sometimes liking someone means liking all of them , and are they a model themselves anyway, ahh, l very my doubt it.

 

lt's all about the eyes and "mentality", of the beholder.

[littleblackheart]

If there's no physical attraction at all or you have to force it, it's just a friendship, no?

 

I don't think it's the sort of thing that can be engineered. If you're in too much doubt as to whether you are physically attracted to someone after spending a significant amount of time with them (relative to you), it's best not to take it further.

 

With that being said, physical attraction is more of a vibe than just looks and a woman who normally likes buff types may still be physically attracted to you for other, unquantifiable, reasons. If that happens, take it at face value and don't question it - they like you for you (way better that being liked for having muscles, no?).

 

In any case, I think 'types' are over rated - I was my exH's 'type; it didn't mean he treated me any better.

Edited March 9, 2018 by littleblackheart

[ZA Dater]

I was just thinking in terms of trying to determine if someone is interested in you in "that way", I have done some reading and it seems very hit or miss in terms of how to tell.

 

 

Basically if you are going to make a move do you need some indication you aren't going to get slapped in the face..in my case I'd want some assurance.

 

 

At the moment all this is working with an imperfect scenario where I need to ascertain how much risk I can accept versus with the apparent upside.

[basil67]

How do you know from the start that a particular woman likes a bear built guy? Unless of course she's got it written on her dating profile....

[basil67]

I was just thinking in terms of trying to determine if someone is interested in you in "that way", I have done some reading and it seems very hit or miss in terms of how to tell.

 

 

Basically if you are going to make a move do you need some indication you aren't going to get slapped in the face..in my case I'd want some assurance.

 

 

At the moment all this is working with an imperfect scenario where I need to ascertain how much risk I can accept versus with the apparent upside.

 

Usually guys would figure out that I was into him in "that way" because I was kissing him and encouraging his hands to explore further.

 

The only reason you'd get slapped in the face is if you behave in an obnoxious and insulting manner. Like insulting her. Or perhaps she's a workmate and you've cornered her in a closet. However if she's been on a date with you....and there's palpable chemistry....you've got nothing to lose by starting out with a hand hold or arm around her, leading to a kiss. At worst, she'll move away and apologise for not being into you that way.

 

When you talk about risk vs upside, what type of risk worries you?

[ZA Dater]

Usually guys would figure out that I was into him in "that way" because I was kissing him and encouraging his hands to explore further.

 

The only reason you'd get slapped in the face is if you behave in an obnoxious and insulting manner. Like insulting her. Or perhaps she's a workmate and you've cornered her in a closet. However if she's been on a date with you....and there's palpable chemistry....you've got nothing to lose by starting out with a hand hold or arm around her, leading to a kiss. At worst, she'll move away and apologise for not being into you that way.

When you talk about risk vs upside, what type of risk worries you?

 

 

 

The risk is this person is a friend and if I try something the following could happen

 

 

a: she wont want to ever speak to me again

b: she wont ever want to spend any time with me again

 

 

The body language has improved and its safe to say she feels comfortable around me, hugs me, I hug her and there isn't any real to me at least "out of bounds" type signals.

 

 

The problem is I have been down this road before with this person, albeit I was a very different person back then to what I am now, her body language to me back then was also very different.

 

 

Bold part is specifically what I don't want.

[Chilli]

Yeah , it's very tricky if it's a friend.

 

You try something subtle that's more than a friend thing , but not enough to leave you feeling like a fool if she backs off quick.

Cuddles no good your already doing that, ya get creative.

 

Good luck

[ZA Dater]

Yeah , it's very tricky if it's a friend.

 

You try something subtle that's more than a friend thing , but not enough to leave you feeling like a fool if she backs off quick.

Cuddles no good your already doing that, ya get creative.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

My get creative might involve having a drink, she has long wanted to see that and I know based on friends of said friend she can get very "touchy feely" when she drinks.

[Mike800]

Of course most of us may have a type but can be attracted to many different types when we get to know a person...I never got people who are such slaves to one type or only very good looking people that they can't expand their atrraction when they meet someone they really connect with..Its rare to find a connection so people shouldn't blow it off just because it's not in a perfect package..

 

Doesn't mean looks don't matter at all..They'res some people I know I could never get intimate with but they'res tons of people I could if the connection and chemistry was right..

[Mike800]

The risk is this person is a friend and if I try something the following could happen

 

 

a: she wont want to ever speak to me again

b: she wont ever want to spend any time with me again

 

 

The body language has improved and its safe to say she feels comfortable around me, hugs me, I hug her and there isn't any real to me at least "out of bounds" type signals.

 

 

The problem is I have been down this road before with this person, albeit I was a very different person back then to what I am now, her body language to me back then was also very different.

 

 

Bold part is specifically what I don't want.

 

Im in the same boat with a friend..my situations even trickier since she was married to a ex friend of mine(that's how I met her) who's still on the edge of my social circle.

 

She seemed to flirt with me early on now she's not doing it much so I'm more hesitant to make a move but not just because of that but because I do value our friendship which would become awkward if she says no and because it is a very tricky situation as I mentioned.

 

I'm hanging out with her tonight at a bar contemplating if I should make a move..

 

I figure I have to eventually and so should you for two reasons.

 

1.Even if you value her friendship a lot let's be honest oncec one of you gets into a relationahip again you're not gonna be seeing much of each other..it's just how it is with men and women friends because of the s/o

 

2.Dont live with regrets.What if's will haunt you..Even if she says no and it hurts for awhile you'll be glad you took a chance.

 

Plus if she's a friend she must just need time to think about it..She might say no at first because it's weird for her and then realize you are who she wants to be with.

 

But instead of making a move physically how about just telling her how you feel about her?

Edited March 9, 2018 by Mike800

[preraph]

It's the way in the door, but fortunately what people find attractive can be very diverse. I have constantly marveled at what some of girlfriends in the past have found attractive, and most of them marveled at one of my bfs as well who looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy but with good hair and only had two changes of clothes. Where you run into the most problems is of course the media drilling what is attractive into us with photoshopped images of unreal beauty, but it is mostly people who are very insecure and want someone more attractive than them to elevate their self-worth or status for whom this is a rigid requirement.

[Mike800]

It's the way in the door, but fortunately what people find attractive can be very diverse. I have constantly marveled at what some of girlfriends in the past have found attractive, and most of them marveled at one of my bfs as well who looked like the Pillsbury Dough Boy but with good hair and only had two changes of clothes. Where you run into the most problems is of course the media drilling what is attractive into us with photoshopped images of unreal beauty, but it is mostly people who are very insecure and want someone more attractive than them to elevate their self-worth or status for whom this is a rigid requirement.

 

I never get why women will tell their friends they think their boyfriend or husband are unattractive..It's rude.whats the point of telling them? Guys don't do that to each other or there would be a fight.

 

As far as people liking different things it's true but most of us have dated a diverse group of people as well once you hit a certain age..

 

I don't get people who are so stringent about a type that they could never date someone a little different physically if they had a great connection..

[ZA Dater]

Im in the same boat with a friend..my situations even trickier since she was married to a ex friend of mine(that's how I met her) who's still on the edge of my social circle.

 

She seemed to flirt with me early on now she's not doing it much so I'm more hesitant to make a move but not just because of that but because I do value our friendship which would become awkward if she says no and because it is a very tricky situation as I mentioned.

 

I'm hanging out with her tonight at a bar contemplating if I should make a move..

 

I figure I have to eventually and so should you for two reasons.

 

1.Even if you value her friendship a lot let's be honest oncec one of you gets into a relationahip again you're not gonna be seeing much of each other..it's just how it is with men and women friends because of the s/o

 

2.Dont live with regrets.What if's will haunt you..Even if she says no and it hurts for awhile you'll be glad you took a chance.

 

Plus if she's a friend she must just need time to think about it..She might say no at first because it's weird for her and then realize you are who she wants to be with.

 

But instead of making a move physically how about just telling her how you feel about her?

 

 

 

I can relate in many ways, lets just say my scenario is the same as yours with one difference, she isn't really available but makes herself available to me, we communicate when she at work, she mails me late at night, we don't over communicate but she does reach out, what this means I have no idea, more and more she is starting to put me first over her SO. She is away for 2 weeks and first thing she does when she gets back....she sees me.

 

 

You are of course right, I am not one for Dutch courage but I think I might just simply say what I think and see how she reacts.

[Mike800]

I can relate in many ways, lets just say my scenario is the same as yours with one difference, she isn't really available but makes herself available to me, we communicate when she at work, she mails me late at night, we don't over communicate but she does reach out, what this means I have no idea, more and more she is starting to put me first over her SO. She is away for 2 weeks and first thing she does when she gets back....she sees me.

 

 

You are of course right, I am not one for Dutch courage but I think I might just simply say what I think and see how she reacts.

 

With me I initiate texts and going out much more then she does now..Part of me thinks she's probably hesitant because of our situation plus she has a teenage kid as well so I get that she's busy a lot..for awhile I was annoyed by it but I get she has a lot on her plate and don't take it personal.

 

I got her a Valentine's Day gift and she gushed about it so that made me feel a little better.

 

So they'res reasons why im hesitant but I realize I have to go for it and see where it goes.

[thefooloftheyear]

i think it's absolutely vital...

 

 

TFY

[RecentChange]

I think like with so many things in love, it really depends on the individuals.

 

I am a bit of a sapiosexual:

 

As defined by the urban dictionary, a sapiosexual person is someone who finds intelligence and the human mind to be the most sexually attractive feature in the opposite sex.

 

So for ME? There has to be a threshold, a base line of physical attractiveness. Not obese, good grooming, healthy body / teeth.

 

From there? I have found if he has a mind that excites me, I can be physically attracted to him, even if he doesn't have the best body or most handsome face.

 

My FWB for years was a super skinny lanky guy - physically I would consider him "not my type" - but man, he had a brilliant mind, and we got along very well (in many ways) - and I really lusted after him, despite a lack of physical attraction when I first met him.

 

Ideally, you get the whole package. My husband excites my mind, and has a body type (yes, more broad and muscular) that I find attractive.

[Mike800]

I think like with so many things in love, it really depends on the individuals.

 

I am a bit of a sapiosexual:

 

 

 

So for ME? There has to be a threshold, a base line of physical attractiveness. Not obese, good grooming, healthy body / teeth.

 

From there? I have found if he has a mind that excites me, I can be physically attracted to him, even if he doesn't have the best body or most handsome face.

 

My FWB for years was a super skinny lanky guy - physically I would consider him "not my type" - but man, he had a brilliant mind, and we got along very well (in many ways) - and I really lusted after him, despite a lack of physical attraction when I first met him.

 

Ideally, you get the whole package. My husband excites my mind, and has a body type (yes, more broad and muscular) that I find attractive.

 

I think you're situation is pretty normal.. most people may have a type but have gone out with people outside of it who they have a great connection with and are highly attracted to them.

 

Iam attracted to a variety of different women physically I don't get the people who can only get excited for one specific look and are very stringent about it. To each their own I guess

[basil67]

Wait...so she's a friend and already has a partner?

 

The risk of you getting hurt either now or in the future is incredibly high. For someone who's risk averse, you're treading a very dangerous route.

[littleblackheart]

Wait...so she's a friend and already has a partner?

 

The risk of you getting hurt either now or in the future is incredibly high. For someone who's risk averse, you're treading a very dangerous route.

 

I don't follow individual posters' threads too closely, but I seem to remember this is a recurring feature in a few of ZA's threads - the very same special unavailable someone seems to be popping up every now and then.

 

Hopefully this steadfast perseverance will not be in vain.

[ZA Dater]

Wait...so she's a friend and already has a partner?

 

The risk of you getting hurt either now or in the future is incredibly high. For someone who's risk averse, you're treading a very dangerous route.

 

Hence me thinking about this very carefully. Typically very few of the people I chase are ever actually single. At least not lately. The thing is if she doesn't find me attractive it's not worth trying anything at all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hence me thinking about this very carefully. Typically very few of the people I chase are ever actually single. At least not lately. The thing is if she doesn't find me attractive it's not worth trying anything at all.

 

I think the fact that she already has a partner makes it not worth trying anything at all, don't you?

[Agonistes]

What's wrong with stealing someone's girlfriend? They're not married.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What's wrong with stealing someone's girlfriend? They're not married.

 

 

OK then.

[HiCrunchy]

What's wrong with stealing someone's girlfriend? They're not married.

 

I truly weep for this world.