EX I'm in love with has recently started lurking again, what does it mean?

[Roseli]

Hi all,

 

I am new to this forum

 

My ex left me 6 months ago but has started making contact with me recently and I just want to make sure I handle it in the best way.

 

When he broke up with me in September 2017, he seemed sure of his decision, said we fight too much (which we were, but mainly because he was being avoidant and distant and instead of addressing that appropriately, I started acting up a lot by snapping at him, shouting or crying so admittedly it was becoming a disaster dynamic, but whilst I had faith we could work things out together, he simply gave up on the relationship). He said he never stopped loving me and was still powerfully attracted to me but that he lost trust that we would be able to have a good future together.

And I think I was just making him angry a lot in those last couple of months and he associated with me drama.

There was initially a lot of push back from me, I begged, pleaded, slipped up in so many ways, but I eventually got sensible and committed myself to NC. I made new plans for myself and my life which made me feel empowered and slowly I started to find my way, without him.

 

After 2 months of NC, I was really shocked to hear from him. He sent me a text wishing me a happy new year. I had dealt with my NC and distance by being very angry with him. So I felt mixed emotions when he reached out. I ignored his text. A day or so later, he texted again asking if he wants me to drop off an item of clothing of mine he found. At this point, I decided to write back wishing him a happy new year as well and told him that I was abroad for the next few weeks. He was inquisitive, interested and eager to keep texting but i politely shut that possibility down and he said If I'd like him to drop off that item of clothing when I'm back to let him know.

 

When I got back, as soon as I felt a void, I wrote him saying he could drop it off. He came over, he gave me a hug, he looked emotional when he saw me and he was eager to get talking and catch up with me. I was still trying to figure out my own feelings and was honest with him about this, and he apologised for the behaviour he demonstrated in our break up. He told me he is now seeking therapy. He told me he's become more in tune with his emotions than he was before.

I became quickly weak to his affectionate way with me and assumed this meant he wanted me back, so I kissed him, we ended up having passionate sex. He later left without talking to me about what that meant to him. I demanded he come back so we can talk about it, and I was angry that he said we can't get back together because 'that relationship wasn't doing either of us any good'. I reacted how I would when I used to get mad at him when i felt down when we were in the relationship. I became emotional and very angry. It became a huge fight. He said 'the reason I reached out to you was because I missed talking to you, not for sex, and I thought I'd made a horrible mistake breaking up with you because you were the best thing in my life when i reflected on everything last year'. And to this I said: "And now what?" he reply: "And now I remembered why we broke up. We obviously cannot see each other without fighting so we shouldn't see each other."

 

The next day after this fight, I found myself reflecting on everything. I messaged him to say that the reason I got angry so quickly was because I had been holding onto anger through the whole my NC and I guess it just needed to come out somehow but that I had let it all go now. He said he understood and that he was sorry for being so hard, and that he's working on his issues and that it will take a long time. He told me that whilst he loves me and misses me often, that he's not ready for a relationship and wants to focus on himself and continue with therapy to resolve his blocks to commitment etc.

 

I didn't know what to draw from this, other than that I know I still love him and miss our relationship when it worked, before we started fighting, a lot. I wondered if I demanded too much too soon, for him to come around and tell me EXACTLY what he wanted after we had sex. I didn't give give him 24 hours to process it. Perhaps in this case, I made a huge mistake.

 

Since then, to my surprise we have still been in touch (usually instigated by him) we met up a few times, one of which was primary to apologise to one another and make peace. He told me he felt sick at himself for hurting me and that he didn't want the same thing to ever happen again. I thought he really would be done with me after that, but he has stayed in touch. This gives me some hope, although I know I shouldn't have any. He's made excuses to reach out. For example: asking me for a phone number he lost for example, of a plumber i recommended, recommending a show to me, sharing photos with me. Then last week, he went on holiday and he kept texting me from his holiday saying he can't believe how much he's thinking of me all the time and how much he wants me and how he's never stopped feeling this way. I've been flattered, but at the same time, tried not to hold onto what might be breadcrumbs. I've been responsive but I haven't lost my cool, and I'd like to keep it that way. And I keep telling myself: no matter what happens, he owes me nothing, so I can't get mad at him. And I've been teaching myself to own my own anger and to own my emotions.

 

I guess I'm posting today because I wonder if you might think he does want to be with me, but is perhaps too scared to say it outright, or too scared to take the risk of getting back together with me? He has been saying some intense things, that have given me hope, but I don't want to question him about it. I just want to enjoy it for what it is partly. Does he need more time, is it just a matter of time? I love him and I miss him often...and hearing from him makes me happy, so I don't feel strong enough to tell him not to contact me anymore and go back to the NC I had before, in fear of losing the chance of building back his trust slowly. I don't want to shut down that possibility entirely.

 

And at the same time, I don't want to make the same mistake as I did before when I demanded answers from him right away and ask him what he wants directly, in fear of putting him into panic mode and driving him away, and also in fear of being rejected.

[Grumpybutfun]

Looking at this from the lens of a healthy marriage and many more years, I think you know that this relationship is unhealthy, but you aren’t sure exactly why. This is a valuable lesson in life. You need to figure out where your insecurity stems from. You need to understand your desperation to be liked and affirmed by men.

Why do you think you accept fighting and confrontation as romantic? Why do you want to be with someone you fight with? Why do you feel so insecure that you need constant validation that he cares? Is your father distant? Did you watch your mom settle for chaos and mediocrity? Do you have a purpose in life that you enjoy and love?

Only when you understand who you are and what is motivating you to accept a drama filled relationship will you ever grow and mature into a woman who attracts kindness, admiration, respect and commitment.

Best,

Grumps

[CantTakeMySmile]

OP, what happened?

[healing light]

Be careful. I think you're at risk for keeping yourself unavailable to other men by holding onto hope with your ex...and while he works on himself he may very well give the next woman a chance instead of you because of too much water under the bridge.