Moving on then getting stuck

[Ginger123]

3 monthes in from a breakup. The breakup is for the best for both of us and I know that there is no going back. Acceptance is good but I still went through mourning him.

I have felt lost but tried to keep positive. Looking after my self and going out with friends. I was feeling so much better and good about myself that I was dealing with the loss well. Then I got a new hair do, massage, treated my self to a new outfit etc.

Then I went on a date yesterday. He is a really nice guy and we got along well.

 

Why then when I got home did I feel so retched. I dreamt of my ex in the night.

My daughter needed a lift to the airport this morning and as soon as I'd seen her off and got back to the car I collapsed in a flood of tears; spontaneously and uncontrollable.

 

I was moving forward slowly but feel as if I've took one giant step back.

 

I feel I don't want to date this new date again. He paid for a meal even though I offered. He said you can pay next time (I'm ok with that) but not sure I want a next time. Not sure I can date now.

[Zahara]

I was moving forward slowly but feel as if I've took one giant step back.

 

You haven't taken a step back. You're not regressing -- it's just the normal progression of grieving. Emotions will fluctuate -- one moment you'll be optimistic and the next a puddle on the floor. It's a process. All completely normal -- you are going through the stages of grief. We've all been through it.

 

Embrace how you feel, even when it feels bad. From pain comes growth. There is no fast forward to healing. In order to get to the other side, you have to feel it all and work your way through it.

 

I feel I don't want to date this new date again. He paid for a meal even though I offered. He said you can pay next time (I'm ok with that) but not sure I want a next time. Not sure I can date now.

 

It is not in your best interest to date. If you want a relationship, start one with yourself first. You're trying to seek other men to fill that void. You need to work on that yourself rather than look for crutches during this time.

[Ginger123]

Thanks Zahara

 

I realise that I was trying too hard to get over things. Thinking that going on a date was the way forward.

 

I don't think I need a void filling but then again maybe subconsciously I was grasping for something.

 

I will continue to work on myself. Well I've just learnt that I don't feel I can be there for someone else yet.

 

Do I meet him again to repay the complement (he bought me a meal) or would it be best that I just apologise and ....actually I'm lost to know what I'd say to him.

 

As I've typed this my thought is it would be best not to see him again just to buy him a meal...... he took me out which cost him but it may be more crawl to see him again and give a wrong impression, that I'm available (he seem pretty keen).

 

What are others thoughts?

[Zahara]

Do I meet him again to repay the complement (he bought me a meal) or would it be best that I just apologise and ....actually I'm lost to know what I'd say to him.

 

There is no need to meet him. You can call him and apologize -- tell him that while you enjoyed his company and you think he's a great guy, you've come to realize that you're just not ready to date. Wish him well and let him go.

[Ginger123]

Thank you for the response and the advice.

 

Sometimes I feel I need to know, that what I know deep down, what I need to do is ok. I suspect that will be part of my healing...to trust myself.

[Zahara]

Thank you for the response and the advice.

 

Sometimes I feel I need to know, that what I know deep down, what I need to do is ok. I suspect that will be part of my healing...to trust myself.

 

Yes, Ginger. You will start to trust your own judgment as you start to heal. You’re emotionally fragile right now.

[Ginger123]

Difficult getting over a relationship when you want to be over it sooner rather than later.

It doesn't help when they get in touch.

My ex collected his things I left in my garage for him.....so no more reason to get in touch.

 

He has emailed to to ask that I return a couple of gifts he gave me. He can have them; its just made me so angry... I could ask for things I gave him but I don't want them.

[Zahara]

Difficult getting over a relationship when you want to be over it sooner rather than later.

It doesn't help when they get in touch.

My ex collected his things I left in my garage for him.....so no more reason to get in touch.

 

He has emailed to to ask that I return a couple of gifts he gave me. He can have them; its just made me so angry... I could ask for things I gave him but I don't want them.

 

He's being petty and childish by asking for the gifts he gave to you. Let him have it. Gather all of them and give it back to him so that you leave no stone unturned. Then block him for having any access to you.

 

The best way to heal and come through stronger is to face and embrace your pain. Use this time to self-reflect and focus on your self-development.

[PRW]

Everything you indicated in your original message seems completely normal to me.

 

You should go on dates but you need to burn it into your mind that they are not relationships. They are just dates,...just casual dates. You are not obligated to anyone. You need to date a couple different ones at a time (2-3). They are not boyfriends and you are not obligated to them.

 

Consider it "therapy" and "practice". When you want to get better at something it always requires practice. When you date more than one at a time it dulls the hunger and helps you not fall into the trap of getting attached to soon, and it also helps you understand that you have lots of options. It will also build your confidence and make you realize that you are not the victim of whatever comes along.