Feels Like I'm Stuck - Tired of Being in Limbo

[rlongstron]

Hi All -

 

I should probably introduce myself first, I'm a 39 year old male who has been married for almost 11 years. About a year into the marriage, my wife cheated on me - she came clean about it and we went into counseling together for about 3 months. During that time, I became aware that with my travel and working 6 days a week - she became frustrated and I didn't pick up on the signs or change. So naturally, we both made changes in our lives and I work a much more "normal" job and forgave her. Things more or less was fine up until about two months ago.

 

Two months ago, her behavior started to change - she would hide her phone, take it with her into the bathroom, deleted messages and was on it at strange hours of the night. She would roll over in bed and text at 2AM for example.

 

I called her out on the strange behavior and accused her of cheating on me again or about to. She's been adamant she hasn't been and says my insecurities are driving her nuts and that we needed a separation. She's tired of me asking her where she's going and when she'll be home and who she is with. I asked her for specifics on what that meant regarding the separation - she wants to move into the guest room.

 

So for the 8 weeks or so, it's basically been like two ships passing in the night except for responsibilities with bills, home duties and the kids. We started doing marriage counseling a month ago and she made a comment that has been burned into my head:

 

"Him not being involved in the morning routine has made my life easier - there's less noise, the kids listen better and I'm able to keep things moving"

 

I'm not sure how to interpret that - Was my help in the mornings really not helpful and is she basically saying she's ready to go at raising the kids alone?

 

This being in two rooms for about two months with no real end goal in site is driving me nuts. Us going out as a family unit in two cars is driving me nuts, us going to meet the teacher and family events separately is driving me nuts but she apparently feels completely content with it - that or she's hiding it very well.

 

I feel like I'm in limbo - I'd like for this to work and to reconcile and for there to be more trust but I need certain things from her for that to happen. But the other part of me feels this is a no win situation and that I'm just wasting time here and not able to clearly move forward and fully separate. It's affecting me physically (can't sleep or eat much) and it's affecting my work (can't clearly think, etc).

 

I've talked to the counselor in individual therapy and am assured its quite normal to be at this place in 2 months and that it can take several more for things to play out. I've been asked to develop a list of what I want to accomplish in the therapy and am still unsure how to answer that question. I obviously want to be more secure in the marriage, I want better communication, I want more transparency and I want to know how to better deal with the betrayal that happened so many years ago. I thought I worked though that but perhaps I didn't - I don't want her to feel under my thumb with all the questions but I also don't want to be a door mat.

 

Sooo many thoughts and I;m having trouble keeping everything in order.

 

I've never been separated while sharing the same house - I'm still unclear what the goal is here or what she seeks to get out of it - the counselor believes it's an effort to see if anything is salvageable here or if we simply don't work well together and now need to split - but I don't want to be in this position 6 months from now, years from now etc.

 

Sorry for the rambling, hope at least some of this makes sense.

 

Thx

Edited March 10, 2018 by rlongstron

[BaileyB]

Her behavior is very suspicious. My personal opinion is that you have a right to be suspicious and she is trying to turn this back around to you... to distract you and take the focus off herself.

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Why is she not voluntarily telling you where she is going, who she is with, and when she will be home? Is that not what a reasonable and considerate spouse would do in any marriage? Why is she not telling you who she is texting with in the middle of the night? I think you have a right to ask those questions - especially considering her history and the fact that she has not respected the boundaries of your marriage in the past.

 

I'm sorry. I hope the counselling you are getting is helpful and you get your answers soon. I just wanted to say... I don't think this is all on you. Don't let her tell you otherwise, you are an equal partner in this marriage, worthy of her respect and consideration.

[road]

Her behavior is very suspicious. My personal opinion is that you have a right to be suspicious and she is trying to turn this back around to you... to distract you and take the focus off herself.

 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Why is she not voluntarily telling you where she is going, who she is with, and when she will be home? Is that not what a reasonable and considerate spouse would do in any marriage? Why is she not telling you who she is texting with in the middle of the night? I think you have a right to ask those questions - especially considering her history and the fact that she has not respected the boundaries of your marriage in the past.

 

I'm sorry. I hope the counselling you are getting is helpful and you get your answers soon. I just wanted to say... I don't think this is all on you. Don't let her tell you otherwise, you are an equal partner in this marriage, worthy of her respect and consideration.

 

MC is a waste of money.

 

She is cheating on you again.

 

Your money will be better spent to hire a PI to get the truth.

You also can hide a VAR in WW car and GPS her car as well.

[S2B]

Your wife is cheating and she's disconnected because of that cheating.

 

Stop allowing her to blame you for things SHE is doing that harm the marriage and family.

 

Does she work?

 

Put cameras in the home or a voice activated recorder in place to find out what she's doing.

 

Check her phone! Someone is important enough to be contacting at 2am!! That's just crappy of her and even more crappy that she blames and criticizes you.

 

How old are the kids?

[Imajerk17]

She is cheating on you OP. Furthermore, she is gaslighting you--blaming her pulling away on YOUR behavior. (Your behavior is not the real issue, it's likely fine.)

 

Your marriage therapist sounds horrible, like a total quack. It is utterly astounding to me that your marriage therapist can take your wife's recent behavior--hiding communication, 2AM texts--as anything OTHER THAN infidelity. Maybe she subscribes to the "the woman is always right" school of thought?

Edited March 10, 2018 by Imajerk17

[sandylee1]

Yep. I think she's cheating again and is free to contact her lover all hours of the day now you're in separate bedrooms.

 

As a former cheater she should be totally transparent. She's turning this round to you...wanting you to believe it's your fault. It's not.

 

She wants to to back down and be a fool while she carries on messing around behind your back...or she wants to leave the marriage anyway...so she doesn't care.

 

Why has she been left to do the morning routine just because your in house separated though?

Has she always done it and you just pitched in?

 

I agree that you need to start digging? Phone records..a PI would likely get you better results for less stress.

 

It's her, NOT YOU.

[standtall]

Yep...she's cheatin alright. A separation is just divorce rehearsal for her...she is setting up things with the new guy, and keeping you in the wings as a backup plan...

[hyrule]

Don't waste your time with marriage counseling.

 

She is cheating - again - and she's articulating carefully so you waste your life with her and give her a roof to stay under.

[Just a Guy]

Hi rlongstron, it's been some days since your first post and you have'nt returned to respond to the excellent advice offered to you. It seems you are not really interested in hearing folks on here telling you your wife is cheating on you and you are looking for someone to come on here and tell you that she is right in her behaviour and that you have something wrong in your approach. It does'nt take rocket science to discern that your wife is making a complete fool of you and you are lapping it up hook line and sinker. You have given her ample space to pursue her cheating game while she makes you feel guilty of breathing down her neck. You want to see her show some reaction? Start hanging out at Singleton bars and staying away late. See how fast you get a reaction out of her. This is a classic case of having her cake and eating it too. How long ago were you two intimate? Has she initiated any kind of conversations with you or is she happy and satisfied to continue like this? Have you asked for any explanations and if so what has been her answer?

 

Change your counsellor as he/ she seems completely incompetent. Put down an ultimatum for your wife that this gets resolved or you are filing for divorce. See what she has to say to that. What is her routine like? Does she get back home on time regularly or is she often late? Can you afford a PI? If so get one on her tail and find out what's happening. Once you have solid evidence of her cheating then just file and have her served. However, do not punish yourself by staying in limbo. Warm wishes.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Transitions12]

PIs are very expensive.

Cheating or not, if you are unhappy, then change your life! You are the only one that has the power to correct your circumstance. Not her, not anybody else. If you feel like she is cheating, you dont trust her from the previous time, so why stay on in a marriage like that? Not worth the sleepless nights. Your life is not a dress rehearsal so make it count! Either choose to be happy with HER, or choose to move on without her. Marriage counselling is a waste of time. I think you need to love yourself and focus on you and what you want in your life.

 

Time to make changes. You can choose them. Also, her living with you while seperated is not going to work.

Do whats best for YOU. Love yourself, you deserve a great life!!