My dating mistakes have ruined me.

[JennFoss]

I’ve had a few relationships that ended badly, I’m 30 and I already have a number of failed relationships under my belt. It starts and ends the same way, I meet a man and he seems stable, kind and respectful and maybe I block out all the flaws cause in the end I see the real them and it’s nothing like I thought.

 

I think I just make bad choices, and I get tricked and fall for “nice guy” lie. Wolves dressed as sheep. Funnily I ALWAYS avoid bad boys/players. Most of those men who’ve hurt me are simple shy nerdy type. I go for the safe kind and they burn me.

 

When others tell me let him go! You deserve better! There are better men out there, I can’t even picture it. What’s a good man like? I don’t know what that’s like so my brain doesn’t even grasp that idea. It’s like someone trying to describe how a yawn feels... I can’t imagine it or see it, so I lose hope in finding or chasing that unicorn man.

 

I don’t want to give up or become cynical or emotional detached but I’m heading that way cause I no longer believe in love. I never thought I’d end up like that.

[Noproblem]

You are still young, you don't have to be constantly trying to find the one!

 

It does not happen this way!

 

Take a time off, relax, have some fun! Travel the world this summer!

 

It's not all about relationships and I know the pressure is high, but ditch the friends who pressure you to be in a relationship like them and I know there are such friends who means well, but at the end, they hurt us more.

Try to find single friends like you so you can enjoy some girls time from time to time.

 

 

Just find a new hobby, meet people on meet up and learn a language together or run together or whatever activity there are on Meet up.

Enjoy the fitness classes at the gym. Etc Etc...

 

 

Also, try to go outside your comfort zone.

 

try to see other guys from different backgrounds and cultures, don't stick to the same patterns and colors.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been burned the worst by men that seemed "shy" and "nice" and "nerdy" and "kind". They tend to be people pleasers and more often than not "nice guy" is just an act because they are unable to get women any other way. They also secretly wish they are players and will end up being with you to boost their ego rather than because they really like you (Walter White from Breaking Bad is a perfect example of what generally lurks behind "shy nice guy" exterior)

 

At least "bad boys" tend to be honest when they don't want to get serious and what they are looking for. They are not afraid to speak up when they are not happy rather than conflict avoidant "nice guys".

 

I think the main difference is that a genuinely good guy is someone that does what they say they will. Someone that is honest about how they feel. They won't love bomb you with fake compliments. They may seem a bit slow and cold at first, which is totally fine until they are sure they want to commit long term.

[mortensorchid]

If there was an answer, I would tell you the answer. To you or anyone else who asks any kind of question here on the forum or in real life. But unfortunately I don't have that answer to give you. And what I can tell you is that you must be comfortable with yourself and not find a validation by "having someone" with you. Difficult to do, of course, but you must be okay with yourself, recognize the behaviors and mistakes of others and yourself, and be happy being with yourself.

 

That's all I can say about it. At this point in my life (age 43) I can only be happy with me.

[kendahke]

After having had the same experience over and over, there is some life lesson the universe keeps sending you to learn--and it's using the same character in a different body each time they show up.

 

You pretty much touched on what it is: you keep assuming that nerdy guys are good guys when they were just the wrong guy for you.

 

I've been burned by seemingly good guys when I was young and I learned that the nerdy bad guy and the womanizing bad guy are just bad guys. Doesn't matter how suave or stunted they were---bad behavior is bad behavior.

 

It takes taking a step back for a while and getting really clear on what you want, what you will allow to slide and what is your bottom line "I will leave you" point and being decisive enough in the moment to make that move, not sticking around for more bad treatment.

 

You have to get to the place where you are fine alone. As long as you feel you need someone or you can't stand to be alone in your own company, you trick yourself into believing something about a guy that isn't true and anyone will do to fill that void.

[smackie9]

You need to see through their bull $%^&. Yes red flags should never be ignored just because you are having a good time. First sign of trouble, kick them to the curb. That's why we date. To figure out if there is compatibility, attraction, and you are being treated the way you want to be treated. It's not a tall order. It's simple common sense.

[mammasita]

Stop believing that the shy nerdy guy is automatically without fault. They're probably the WORST because they know nobody will suspect them.

 

Bottom line, don't ignore the red flags regardless of the type of guy.

[guest569]

Many people have had a few relationships by age 30, so try not to feel badly about it and don’t look at them as failures. Relationships are hard, there are a lot of hurdles. Going for a nerdy nice guy will not protect you. Anyone can hurt you, and that is the risk. If you can accept the risk of potentially being hurt again, the only thing to do is to go into your next relationship with an open heart and mind but also with open eyes, learning from your past experiences. Were there any patterns or warning signs you can keep an eye out for next time?

[JennFoss]

Many people have had a few relationships by age 30, so try not to feel badly about it and don’t look at them as failures. Relationships are hard, there are a lot of hurdles. Going for a nerdy nice guy will not protect you. Anyone can hurt you, and that is the risk. If you can accept the risk of potentially being hurt again, the only thing to do is to go into your next relationship with an open heart and mind but also with open eyes, learning from your past experiences. Were there any patterns or warning signs you can keep an eye out for next time?

 

I think the pattern is guys who OVER promise very early on. It’s strange isn’t it? Most of these guys would talk about commitment, engagement rings, marriage, kids, buying a house, where we’d live... etc, but when it came down to it, they’d run. Maybe I’m just that kind of woman that men can’t commit to.

 

The last one completely blind sided me and even common friends who knew him. He seemed so put together, calm, stable, strong and in the end I almost had to become the man in the relationship cause his weakness and fears showed and took me by surprise. He was crying in my arms as he broke up with me.

 

So I’m the one getting rejected and dumped, but he needs me to comfort him. This is probably the most hurt I’ve ever been.

[JennFoss]

Stop believing that the shy nerdy guy is automatically without fault. They're probably the WORST because they know nobody will suspect them.

 

Bottom line, don't ignore the red flags regardless of the type of guy.

 

Very true. In the start he wanted to come off all suave and bad boyish thinking he’d impress me. He was a bigger nerd growing up but he met a friend who is a total player rigid jerk and he took him under his wing and taught him his ways. My ex thinks of that friend as his godfather. He just wanted to do whatever that guy did. He started hooking up with strangers just because his friend did.

 

Maybe it’s a man competition thing?

[mammasita]

Very true. In the start he wanted to come off all suave and bad boyish thinking he’d impress me. He was a bigger nerd growing up but he met a friend who is a total player rigid jerk and he took him under his wing and taught him his ways. My ex thinks of that friend as his godfather. He just wanted to do whatever that guy did. He started hooking up with strangers just because his friend did.

 

Maybe it’s a man competition thing?

 

no, just a "thing". women do it too.

[chicaboom]

I wouldn't worry too much about your situation. I was there too and there are a lot of other women who are currently in your situation. I know it's easier said than done, but when I was 30 I had just broken up with someone (nice guy/nerdy guy) after having dated and been in a few relationships. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die alone (as extreme as that sounds, but I really did believe it). I believe it so much that I tried to make myself accept this. After a month of this negative thinking, I think I finally accepted it. While all this was happening, I was still on Tinder and thought to myself, well I might as well have some fun. And then I met my current partner. I know everyone says this, but it's when you stop trying that you find someone. I think the difference was I went into dating with my currently partner not giving a ****. Of course it was always in the back of my mind that hey maybe this can turn into something. But the only criteria I had going into dating my guy was am I having fun? Does he make me feel like myself? Does he make me feel great?. Before that I had a few things (not unreasonable) that I wanted to make sure a guy had, like for example a good job. When I went on my dates with my partner I never even knew what job he had! I didn't find out until a couple of dates in. So, all this to say love yourself, enjoy your single hood and don't over think things like I did. When you least expect it, when you are totally ok with yourself and being with yourself alone I feel like this happiness really exudes itself and you will find someone. do not worry at all.

[JennFoss]

no, just a "thing". women do it too.

 

Do they? None of the women I know do so it’s all about perspective I guess.

[mammasita]

Do they? None of the women I know do so it’s all about perspective I guess.

none that i know personally do either, but it helps to be knowledgeable

[JennFoss]

I wouldn't worry too much about your situation. I was there too and there are a lot of other women who are currently in your situation. I know it's easier said than done, but when I was 30 I had just broken up with someone (nice guy/nerdy guy) after having dated and been in a few relationships. I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die alone (as extreme as that sounds, but I really did believe it). I believe it so much that I tried to make myself accept this. After a month of this negative thinking, I think I finally accepted it. While all this was happening, I was still on Tinder and thought to myself, well I might as well have some fun. And then I met my current partner. I know everyone says this, but it's when you stop trying that you find someone. I think the difference was I went into dating with my currently partner not giving a ****. Of course it was always in the back of my mind that hey maybe this can turn into something. But the only criteria I had going into dating my guy was am I having fun? Does he make me feel like myself? Does he make me feel great?. Before that I had a few things (not unreasonable) that I wanted to make sure a guy had, like for example a good job. When I went on my dates with my partner I never even knew what job he had! I didn't find out until a couple of dates in. So, all this to say love yourself, enjoy your single hood and don't over think things like I did. When you least expect it, when you are totally ok with yourself and being with yourself alone I feel like this happiness really exudes itself and you will find someone. do not worry at all.

 

What a journey! I’m glad you finally found the love you deserve I hope. I haven’t had much luck on tinder, I seem to attract the ones who just want to hookup so maybe another app like match would work out, who knows.

 

What you said about having fun resonated, there are times where I was down and anxious with him more than I was happy. It was a cycle of very high highs and low lows. I guess I should have left when I felt miserable and bad about myself all the time? I kept questioning my self worth... a few breakups will do that to you. Some people do that... keeping the hope that their partner would eventually turn into how they see them in the future and if ONLY we can get through this phase we’ll make it. Not knowing is what you’re seeing now is all you’re getting.

[JennFoss]

none that i know personally do either, but it helps to be knowledgeable

 

I’m an introvert and my circle is small in general. I know every kind of person exists out there, hopefully the good more than the bad?

 

Sexual prowess competition seems mostly a man thing I believe. Like I’d never go to a girl friend of mine over brunch and be like, so guess who many men I hit last night!? Of course women compete in other things.

[mammasita]

I’m an introvert and my circle is small in general. I know every kind of person exists out there, hopefully the good more than the bad?

 

Sexual prowess competition seems mostly a man thing I believe. Like I’d never go to a girl friend of mine over brunch and be like, so guess who many men I hit last night!? Of course women compete in other things.

 

Girl, come on.......I guess because I'm older, I've seen more. Women compete. Watch more TV, pay more attention to women around you.

 

We/They compete when it comes to boyfriends/kids/husbands/jobs/clothes/shoes/houses/education......thats just some of the things.

 

I personally don't give a F. Its not about how many men did you sleep with, but moreso "who's man is better", at least when you get older.

[kendahke]

Maybe I’m just that kind of woman that men can’t commit to.

 

That's not true. You are the kind of woman a man can commit to. Boys? Probably not, but men? Yes.

 

The last one completely blind sided me and even common friends who knew him. He seemed so put together, calm, stable, strong and in the end I almost had to become the man in the relationship cause his weakness and fears showed and took me by surprise. He was crying in my arms as he broke up with me.

 

But he stayed gone, right? That was a performance because realized he was a snot for breaking up with you.

 

So I’m the one getting rejected and dumped, but he needs me to comfort him. This is probably the most hurt I’ve ever been.

 

Yeah, I would have iced over and told him "there's the door".

[mammasita]

 

 

 

Yeah, I would have iced over and told him "there's the door".

 

RIGHT?! Me in 2012 would have cried my ass off and been like NOOOO what did I do wrong.

 

Me today would have shown his ass to the door and thrown a tissue behind him. :laugh:

[kendahke]

Of course women compete in other things.

 

Two of the most competitive women I know both are named "Mary Ann". One on the east coast and one on the west coast. It's the weirdest thing to me. They both were competitive sexually, job wise, life-experience wise and messy a.f.; and both would cut your throat if it meant they took the attention a guy was giving you off of you and put it onto them.

 

Women, especially when they're jealous of you, want what you have and have low self esteem, can be vicious.

[chicaboom]

What a journey! I’m glad you finally found the love you deserve I hope. I haven’t had much luck on tinder, I seem to attract the ones who just want to hookup so maybe another app like match would work out, who knows.

 

What you said about having fun resonated, there are times where I was down and anxious with him more than I was happy. It was a cycle of very high highs and low lows. I guess I should have left when I felt miserable and bad about myself all the time? I kept questioning my self worth... a few breakups will do that to you. Some people do that... keeping the hope that their partner would eventually turn into how they see them in the future and if ONLY we can get through this phase we’ll make it. Not knowing is what you’re seeing now is all you’re getting.

 

From what I hear from my single friends, Tinder has changed a lot. However, it was only about 2 years ago that I was on Tinder. I think the important thing is to weed them out early on Tinder and you can easily tell who's looking for what/who's normal and not a weirdo!

 

Yes, from what you describe I have felt like that too with previous partners. The one main difference with my current partner was that everything was very easy. I didn't worry about all the other little things I worried about before. I wasn't an emotional wreck after dating him for a few months. I was stable, calm and felt secure in myself and the relationship. I think looking back at my past relationships, this definitely was not the case and I usually let things drag on for far too long, b/c a lot of the times a guy isn't ALL bad, there are good things about him and it's not so black and white or easy to know when to cut it off. However, I would probably tell my younger self that whenever I started to feel uneasy or really insecure that probably wasn't "just in my head" it was my gut telling me, hey something isn't right or this just isn't right enough to continue on.

 

Also remember that just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that it's all rainbows and butterflies. There are other issues to deal with too once in a relationship. Which is why I think you should enjoy being single! I look back fondly on my single days!! I understand wanting to be in a partnership, and it sounds like you're being proactive about it (being mindful of more higher calibre dating sites and putting yourself out there which is great), so I really don't think you have anything to worry about

[JennFoss]

Two of the most competitive women I know both are named "Mary Ann". One on the east coast and one on the west coast. It's the weirdest thing to me. They both were competitive sexually, job wise, life-experience wise and messy a.f.; and both would cut your throat if it meant they took the attention a guy was giving you off of you and put it onto them.

 

Women, especially when they're jealous of you, want what you have and have low self esteem, can be vicious.

 

Hahaha! That truly cracked me up! I can totally imagine it and I know the type... I couldn’t do it... if the one I love drops me for another woman I would resent him forever. I know many women take cheaters back but I couldn’t do it. I would harbor so many ill feelings and even if I forgive him, it’ll never be wiped out of my memory.

 

My last ex told me mid breakup that he’s got all these women he felt “connections” with and he let them all go for my sake. That hurt as if he was missing out... I know men have a wandering eye but it sounded like any random woman that he meets he imagines a connection with? He already has a new GF shortly after our breakup. I felt so replaced so fast.

Edited March 11, 2018 by JennFoss

[kendahke]

My last ex told me mid breakup that he’s got all these women he felt “connections” with and he let them all go for my sake. That hurt as if he was missing out... I know men have a wandering eye but it sounded like any random woman that he meets he imagines a connection with? He already has a new GF shortly after our breakup. I felt so replaced so fast.

 

When it seems like it happens so fast, always remember: he's been grooming her for months behind your back--that's why it seems so sudden. All those fights he picked, all those mean things he was saying--that was him going through the break up process with you before he notified you that you were being dismissed. He's been through his range of emotions already and that's why it seems he moved on at lightning speed. Where you are now is probably where he was about 4-6 months ago.

[JennFoss]

When it seems like it happens so fast, always remember: he's been grooming her for months behind your back--that's why it seems so sudden. All those fights he picked, all those mean things he was saying--that was him going through the break up process with you before he notified you that you were being dismissed. He's been through his range of emotions already and that's why it seems he moved on at lightning speed. Where you are now is probably where he was about 4-6 months ago.

 

I think you’re partially right, he was contemplating breaking up for a while cause I could feel the distance. This girl is brand new though, he met her at a random birthday party and took her home all drunk. During breaking up when he mentioned these connections he mentioned a particular girl that was a friend of a friend.

[Chilli]

l'm afraid l can never believe the labels and ideas women dream up in trying justify , explanations , or pigeon holes they try to nicely pop men into.

Unbelievable and usually so far off the mark it's embarrassing.

 

It's no different for women, a street chick can bite you , a posh chick with 10million in the bank can bite you , the most loyal,loving and devoted wife and mum in the world can turn around and have an affair, the hard worker or kmart chick can bite you, the tattooed chick that everyone thinks is rough and trouble could turn around to be there till you die, so could any of the others.

 

There is no label or combo or pigeon holes you can all nice and neat like pop anyone into, male or female, it's about the person, what's between you, pure and simple.

 

Now if only it was as easy as tapping on this pathetic keyboard in some forum, to choose that person.

Edited March 11, 2018 by Chilli