What are the biggest reasons you don't want to be with a partner who has kids?

[alphamale]

Having kids around a lot is a killjoy if they're not yours. It takes a lot of flirtiness and spontaneity out of the relationship.

 

indeed, having to sneak around be quiet just to have sex is a drag

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

indeed, having to sneak around be quiet just to have sex is a drag

 

But if a person only has the kids 50% of the time, there are plenty of days to have loud sex.

[Highndry]

But if a person only has the kids 50% of the time, there are plenty of days to have loud sex.

 

Hmmmm, is this thread about you?

[alphamale]

Hmmmm, is this thread about you?

 

it sounds like it to me

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hmmmm, is this thread about you?

 

Haha! No, I swear it is not . It could be, but it isn't because I'm not dating anyone . It is legitimately about my friend, but it has gotten me thinking about my own life since my life is very similar to hers. I happen to be more on the side of the guy who wants to bail because she has kids because I can imagine how overwhelming it would be. She thinks, "my kids only ADD (blessings) to my life" and can't really get his not wanting to be part of it. Part of her "argument" is that she is totally free half the time.

[kendahke]

indeed, having to sneak around be quiet just to have sex is a drag

 

You spend the first half of your life dodging your parents then you spend the last half of your life dodging your kids...

[kendahke]

She thinks, "my kids only ADD (blessings) to my life" and can't really get his not wanting to be part of it. Part of her "argument" is that she is totally free half the time.

 

But who wants half of someone? That's not the object of getting into a relationship--to then be relegated to 3rd, 4th, 5th or 6th in line, but expected to perform and put out as if you're 1st on the list. That's a totally unrealistic expectation to have--and expectations, especially unrealistic ones, are future resentments under construction.

 

Your friend should stick to rearing her "blessings" and forget about dating until the "blessings" are grown and out living their lives and have other priorities in their lives, which does happen.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But who wants half of someone? That's not the object of getting into a relationship--to then be relegated to 3rd, 4th, 5th or 6th in line, but expected to perform and put out as if you're 1st on the list. That's a totally unrealistic expectation to have--and expectations, especially unrealistic ones, are future resentments under construction.

 

I totally agree, which is why one of my questions was would you even agree to date a person with kids in the first place?

 

In the situation I'm talking about, oddly she was the one who was always wanting more of HIS time, but now that he's come to the realization he isn't wanting to do the kid thing, he's saying he wants more time with her (totally contradicting his behavior for the last several months).

[kendahke]

I totally agree, which is why one of my questions was would you even agree to date a person with kids in the first place?

 

In the situation I'm talking about, oddly she was the one who was always wanting more of HIS time, but now that he's come to the realization he isn't wanting to do the kid thing, he's saying he wants more time with her (totally contradicting his behavior for the last several months).

 

Perhaps it's his "diplomatic" way of telling her he's not down with the "just add water" dad role.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Perhaps it's his "diplomatic" way of telling her he's not down with the "just add water" dad role.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this. She isn't expecting him to fulfill any kind of dad role because they have an involved dad. In fact, if they ever moved in together, he'd really win in the deal since he'd be "taken care of" more than being required to be doing any "taking care of" just because of how she is.

[heavenonearth]

If my boyfriend had kids i would have still dated him

 

But i am kind of happy he doesn’t have any yet because that gives us some time to ourselves before we dive into that adventure.

[thefooloftheyear]

Didn't read all the replies....

 

My philosophy is pick someone that's walked in the same shoes you have...While nothing is guaranteed, it just works best that way...

 

 

TFY

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Didn't read all the replies....

 

My philosophy is pick someone that's walked in the same shoes you have...While nothing is guaranteed, it just works best that way...

 

 

TFY

 

Yes, this is my philosophy as well. I shared this with my friend, quite clearly, when she first started dating after her split. She disagreed with me, but I think she's actually now coming around to seeing why I feel the way I do.

[hercules22]

mainly because i would like my own kids with future partner

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

mainly because i would like my own kids with future partner

 

And that is a perfectly reasonable preference .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So many reasons, but it all comes down to one simple one. In all my experiences dating single moms, each time it was too much of a headache.

 

Examples:

 

Dated one girl that had her kids half the time. She still wanted me to come over when she had her kids. I would go to her place and watch Disney shows while she cooked kid-friendly dinner for all of us. Meanwhile, the kids argue and don't really watch the show but insist it stay on. After dinner, the kids refuse to honor their bedtime of 9pm. Finally, at around 10pm, the kids are asleep and mom is too exhausted and stressed for any real intimacy to happen. This was our usual "date." Sound like fun to you? Anyone?

 

Dated another single mom with 2 kids. When dad found out his ex was dating me, he started talking smack to the kids about me. Of course, after the kids leave their dad's house, they repeat everything they've been told. The kids pretty much hate me, because they see me as getting in the way of their parents being together. Every time they talk to me, it's just rude or an all out insult. Mom tells them to be respectful but she is ignored. I bail.

 

I tried it out over and over. I have a few more examples. Dating women without children is better in almost every single way.

 

Thanks for your feedback and great examples. Your first example made me laugh, because yup, that's exactly what parenthood is like!

[Highndry]

So many reasons, but it all comes down to one simple one. In all my experiences dating single moms, each time it was too much of a headache.

 

Examples:

 

Dated one girl that had her kids half the time. She still wanted me to come over when she had her kids. I would go to her place and watch Disney shows while she cooked kid-friendly dinner for all of us. Meanwhile, the kids argue and don't really watch the show but insist it stay on. After dinner, the kids refuse to honor their bedtime of 9pm. Finally, at around 10pm, the kids are asleep and mom is too exhausted and stressed for any real intimacy to happen. This was our usual "date." Sound like fun to you? Anyone?

 

Dated another single mom with 2 kids. When dad found out his ex was dating me, he started talking smack to the kids about me. Of course, after the kids leave their dad's house, they repeat everything they've been told. The kids pretty much hate me, because they see me as getting in the way of their parents being together. Every time they talk to me, it's just rude or an all out insult. Mom tells them to be respectful but she is ignored. I bail.

 

I tried it out over and over. I have a few more examples. Dating women without children is better in almost every single way.

 

Oh, geez. I think I'd rather just buy a fleshlight.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh, geez. I think I'd rather just buy a fleshlight.

 

Haha! I don't think it's THAT bad . Although, depending on how old you are, staying away from single moms with littles isn't a terrible idea. I have (easy) teenagers so I like to think my life isn't quite as difficult to deal with, but add in my introversion and need for my alone time and I am probably as terrible a partner as the mom of toddlers fighting over the Disney channel! I'd be a perfect partner for someone in the military who is deployed for long periods of time.

 

Back to my original post and questions, I think my friend's point is that anyone she is involved with only has to deal with her kids half the time, and he gets her to himself half the time. I don't necessarily agree with this because of the "kids are always on your mind" thing, and all of the other stuff mentioned in this thread. And also because of always being on call if anything happens (like your kid ending up in the E.R with a piece of wood impaled in his palm....true story).

 

I think it takes a special kind of person (who is probably a lot like me actually, an introvert who loves when plans get canceled) to be involved with a single parent if they do not have kids of their own. It's a sacrifice, plain and simple, for the person who wants (rightfully so) to be THE priority in their partner's life. Nobody should have to make that sacrifice unless they really want to.

 

I started this thread to get specific "key phrases" to be able to talk to my hurting friend about this better. I've never had this happen to me, and even though I totally understand the boyfriend's point of view, it was just hard for me to put into actual words when I talk to her because I actually want it to not be "true" and I want her to be happy.

 

Thanks for your feedback, all .

[FilterCoffee]

I’m surprised your friend dated this guy considering how against kids he is. Couldn’t she see this coming?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m surprised your friend dated this guy considering how against kids he is. Couldn’t she see this coming?

 

Good question . I actually told her this (as my opinion) many times. And now she's saying, "I'm so stupid!" I don't think she's stupid. I think she actually loves him and didn't want it to be true .

[act00]

He made a mistake actively dating and "falling in love" with a mother with no consideration of the fact that he would be taking on a fatherly role should things progress. He's not just dating the mom.

 

She says she didn't expect him to take on a fatherly role because the children have an involved father.

 

Nope. That's not the case. He will take on the role of stepfather.

 

One would presume the children would be living in the same household and depending on the age of these children, he would be taking on a fatherly role. He will be one of the "parents" picking up sick kids from school, driving them to appointments or activities, picking them up, one of the emergency contacts, helping with school projects, enforcing rules, making sure they have lunch or lunch money, doing family stuff on a Friday, and enjoying it, mentor, friend, father. You don't date someone with kids and expect that the kids are just annoying gnats who exist in your home every other weekend and two weeknights.

 

As a mom, when they were little, I didn't just date for myself, I dated for dad material. I was likewise willing to step up to the plate as stepmom...still am, but now that my kids are older, and I seek a mate who's children are also older, the dynamics of child-(step) parent relationships are different. They will always be a family dynamic, like the in-laws, but more so.

 

I have stepparents. I have a stepmom and my stepdad passed away two years ago. My stepdad was my dad in so many ways. I lived with him. He provided for me. He picked me up from school when I was sick or missed the bus. He helped with homework. He demanded to meet my boyfriends in high school...there will be no honking at the curb. He'll walk to the door, ring the doorbell, and converse with the parents...you expect nothing less. When he calls on the phone, he will introduce himself and state his intentions..."This is Doug, may I please speak to Mary?" (cell phones didn't exist back then) He reprimanded, punished, and put me to task with chores.

 

You can't get involved with a mother or father and think the children won't factor into the picture, and more so when these creatures are little and require more care and supervision.

 

So 8 months in, this woman really wanted to get this man she's seeing incorporated into her life, and her children's lives (I'm assuming)...and I'm guessing she was ready to do so a couple months ago or so, but he dragged his feet and avoided it, and now at the 8 month mark, she's pretty much forcing it, and he's promptly exiting. He shouldn't have embarked on this relationship if he couldn't handle the family way and children, and she probably should have dumped him three months ago when he exhibited such an aversion to potential stepfatherhood and getting to know the children.

 

Or she was stupid to think she could have a man in her life who would somehow not be involved with her children?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Good question . I actually told her this (as my opinion) many times. And now she's saying, "I'm so stupid!" I don't think she's stupid. I think she actually loves him and didn't want it to be true .

 

Quoting my own post because it's too late to edit:

 

Also, he did tell her he wanted to meet the kids and be involved in their lives.....until he decided he didn't. I think he wants to want it, but just doesn't actually want it, if that makes sense.

[FilterCoffee]

Quoting my own post because it's too late to edit:

 

Also, he did tell her he wanted to meet the kids and be involved in their lives.....until he decided he didn't. I think he wants to want it, but just doesn't actually want it, if that makes sense.

 

Yeah that makes sense. I do think your original advice to her was sound. Old dog new tricks conundrum!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One would presume the children would be living in the same household and depending on the age of these children, he would be taking on a fatherly role. He will be one of the "parents" picking up sick kids from school, driving them to appointments or activities, picking them up, one of the emergency contacts, helping with school projects, enforcing rules, making sure they have lunch or lunch money, doing family stuff on a Friday, and enjoying it, mentor, friend, father. You don't date someone with kids and expect that the kids are just annoying gnats who exist in your home every other weekend and two weeknights.

 

So 8 months in, this woman really wanted to get this man she's seeing incorporated into her life, and her children's lives (I'm assuming)...and I'm guessing she was ready to do so a couple months ago or so, but he dragged his feet and avoided it, and now at the 8 month mark, she's pretty much forcing it, and he's promptly exiting. He shouldn't have embarked on this relationship if he couldn't handle the family way and children, and she probably should have dumped him three months ago when he exhibited such an aversion to potential stepfatherhood and getting to know the children.

 

Or she was stupid to think she could have a man in her life who would somehow not be involved with her children?

 

I quoted and deleted a couple paragraphs to highlight the ones I wanted to comment on.

 

She actually does think that it won't be that "hard" or "different" for him because he won't be required to do any of the things I bolded above. I think she's wrong and that eventually she would like this, if not expect it! She just sees her life as running so smoothly now, with just her, and doesn't see him in the mix as anything that would be required OF him.

 

And what you said about three months ago? Oh, totally. SO totally. We had this convo many times. (Side note: I've never met the guy so I am only getting "her side" but I feel like I understand his side better, actually)

 

This last sentence....she's very intelligent and educated, definitely not "stupid,".....but it's her first relationship post divorce so was she naive? I don't know....maybe.....I know she's learning a lot....

 

They are not quite broken up yet....spending tomorrow together on a planned outing (tickets to an event). I'm still hoping they work out.

[littleblackheart]

I think it takes a special kind of person (who is probably a lot like me actually, an introvert who loves when plans get canceled) to be involved with a single parent if they do not have kids of their own. .

 

Just wanted to add that it can work with the right person. One of my friends (2 kids younger than mine) and another person I vaguely know recently married men with no kids themselves and yes, while it was a little chaotic at first for my friend, 4 years on it's totally working.

 

He is one of the most grounded, self-assured, secure and mature man I've ever met. He's also very handsome and has a quiet confidence about him that is very appealing. He has gotten totally involved in the girls' lives and speaking to him about it, he comsiders it a joy, not a sacrifice.

 

He willingly acts as a surrogate father and the girls love him to pieces. I think you have to be selfless and be able to project yourself in the future (sure is not for perma-daters!) and you also have to be secure in your relationship with the mother, but I've seen it happen very successfully around me.

 

A step-parent can totally be a wonderful addition to a family when the couple is already solid, but you're right, it takes a certain kind of person to do it. It's rare enough to find good people you are compatible with as it is, but I don't think it's doomed to failure from the start - it can work if neither thinks in absolutes, and have an open-mind.

 

Like e anything else, I really think it's a compatibility in chsracter rather than a compatibility in terms of having / not having kids.