What are the biggest reasons you don't want to be with a partner who has kids?

[JuneL]

No matter what the conditions, a divorce of a long standing marriage will result in some turmoil and unrest..To what degree just depends...In some cases it's enormous..

 

No disrespect to anyone, but most kids would probably prefer to be with bio parents that have thrown in the towel, but don't really fight, but home intact, then to be subjected to a parade of strangers in the quest for something that may or may not ever materialize...

 

Understand. these instances I have referred to are more the type of breakups/divorces that were borne out of the "drifted apart" or "fell out of love" category...Certainly where there is massive fighting or physical/emotional abuse, then there is no other choice really...

 

.02

 

TFY

 

Just curious: Are these couples intimate with each other in the meanwhile?

[thefooloftheyear]

Just curious: Are these couples intimate with each other in the meanwhile?

 

 

None of my business....My guess is no...

 

Would you have sex with someone you fell out of love with or drifted apart from??

 

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Didn't dig too deep.....but this concept I mention is not rare in the least bit..

 

One in four married couples are only together for the children | Daily Mail Online

 

 

TFY

[kendahke]

I disagree that she has to forget about dating. There are plenty of men who're fine with dating single moms.

 

And yet, she's not meeting them. She's meeting men who don't want be "just add water" dad. So instead of having a series of failed relationships paraded in front of her kids, it's best to not date until that guy does show up.

 

It's a pretty simple question to ask on the first meeting--how they feel about kids/about him/her having kids. If they lie and say they're fine because they're after something (sex, financial gain), then they need to develop the radar to spot the inconsistencies in their behavior and nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. The excuse of "I didn't want to be alone" is lame and a cop out which puts them further from what they say they want because now they're all wrapped up in someone who never was going in the same direction as they were..

Edited March 11, 2018 by kendahke

[hotpotato]

I have kids myself. I once dated a man who had so much love for his daughter (he even brought her on our first date) that there was no room for another woman. I'm not interested in that either. I've seen mothers do this with their sons too. I avoid it like the plague.

 

Exactly. Some parents don't grow out of it as their kids grow older. Yet they want the new squeeze to put them first!

 

Maybe parents are better off dating other parents?

[Popsicle]

Exactly. Some parents don't grow out of it as their kids grow older. Yet they want the new squeeze to put them first!

 

Maybe parents are better off dating other parents?

 

I like dating other parents but I wouldn’t date one like that.

[hotpotato]

I have kids myself. I once dated a man who had so much love for his daughter (he even brought her on our first date) that there was no room for another woman. I'm not interested in that either. I've seen mothers do this with their sons too. I avoid it like the plague.

 

Oh my, those feels. My ex brought his daughter on almost every date but the first. Then he got mad at me for being mad. I don't miss being evil selfish step parent.

 

My motorcycle pal has grown and gone children. He barely talks about them, and I have never met them. It's night and day. We don't have frequent arguments.

[Popsicle]

Question: If you're a guy and you write in your POF profile "45, Single, never been married and I have no children", what does that mean? My thought is that if a guy is stating that explicitly in his blurb even though there are questions there already that give that info, he is stating that to deliberately scare away divorced women and women with children. He is highlighting that he has no baggage and wants the same. What do you think?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And yet, she's not meeting them. She's meeting men who don't want be "just add water" dad. So instead of having a series of failed relationships paraded in front of her kids, it's best to not date until that guy does show up.

 

It's a pretty simple question to ask on the first meeting--how they feel about kids/about him/her having kids. If they lie and say they're fine because they're after something (sex, financial gain), then they need to develop the radar to spot the inconsistencies in their behavior and nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. The excuse of "I didn't want to be alone" is lame and a cop out which puts them further from what they say they want because now they're all wrapped up in someone who never was going in the same direction as they were..

 

And I think that's something she's learned from this relationship. It's her first one after her divorce. She totally disagreed with me, when I shared this as she started OLD, that I only want to date parents because I've learned that dating people who are not parents creates problems....because of all of the things people have mentioned in this thread.

[hotpotato]

I think it could work with a very specific type of man, one who really, REALLY wants to be a provider.

 

Most single and childless persons however want spontaneity and sexy time.

 

I read about a chic who went on a date. She brought her small child. It's her, her child, and the man at the theater watching a children's movie. How is that sexy?

[littleblackheart]

I think it could work with a very specific type of man, one who really, REALLY wants to be a provider.

 

Most single and childless persons however want spontaneity and sexy time.

 

I read about a chic who went on a date. She brought her small child. It's her, her child, and the man at the theater watching a children's movie. How is that sexy?

 

Parents are normal people who also want spontaneity and sexy time and can accommodate their lives for the right person, and kids grow up eventually. That some (few) parents don't have great boundaries doesn't mean all parents are like that.

 

If you have no responsibility to anyone or anything by the time you are in your 40s, you've got to be living on a desert island.

 

You don't want to be around kids for whatever reason? Totally fine, but making it look like it's because parents don't have a normal life outside their kids is going a bit too far.

[hotpotato]

indeed, having to sneak around be quiet just to have sex is a drag

 

Not just that but being flirty on dates. It can ruin a date, tbh. There's a good reason married couples try to unload their kids.

[hotpotato]

Parents are normal people who also want spontaneity and sexy time and can accommodate their lives for the right person, and kids grow up eventually. That some (few) parents don't have great boundaries doesn't mean all parents are like that.

 

If you have no responsibility to anyone or anything by the time you are in your 40s, you've got to be living on a desert island.

 

You don't want to be around kids for whatever reason? Totally fine, but making it look like it's because parents don't have a normal life outside their kids is going a bit too far.

 

I see what you mean, obviously since I brought up my motorcycle friend. The guy before that was quite a bit different, anyone can check out my old threads. Btw the 'child' my ex constantly brought around was in her 20s. I'm very happy new guys kids are grown and gone.

 

Just being devil's advocate, I now understand why some men may want to avoid women with children. As I get older, I understand the consequences more acutely. Heck, just read this thread!

[HiCrunchy]

Because I am 23.

[littleblackheart]

I see what you mean, obviously since I brought up my motorcycle friend. The guy before that was quite a bit different, anyone can check out my old threads. Btw the 'child' my ex constantly brought around was in her 20s. I'm very happy new guys kids are grown and gone.

 

Just being devil's advocate, I now understand why some men may want to avoid women with children. As I get older, I understand the consequences more acutely. Heck, just read this thread!

 

I read this thread, and it's confirmed a lot of things I already knew but I also live in real life, where things are much less arbitrary and more nuanced than a yes / no.

 

Besides that, I and many other people have kids and a totally normal life too - it's not incompatible!

 

I too understand why people would want to steer clear of kids or people with kids (the other way round works too) - it's fine to not like them, it's not fine to make a generality out of your personal experience, imo.

Edited March 12, 2018 by littleblackheart

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Because I am 23.

 

GREAT answer .

[hotpotato]

I read this thread, and it's confirmed a lot of things I already knew but I also live in real life, where things are much less arbitrary and more nuanced than a yes / no.

 

Besides that, I and many other people have kids and a totally normal life too - it's not incompatible!

 

I too understand why people would want to steer clear of kids or people with kids (the other way round works too) - it's fine to not like them, it's not fine to make a generality out of your personal experience, imo.

 

How did I make a generality out of parents

 

When I mentioned a parent who wasn't overly involved??? I never said all or most parents treated their kids like surrogate partners.

 

Some children esp small ones by nature will need to be put #1. If you don't put a child first, you're not being a good parent. However, that can put a strain on a new relationship.

 

I even mentioned in this thread that sometimes life happens-like sometimes the parent with custody dies (happened to someone I know).

 

Still the fact remains that having a child takes a lot of spontaneity away esp for the person who isn't used to them.

[littleblackheart]

Still the fact remains that having a child takes a lot of spontaneity away esp for the person who isn't used to them.

 

Yes, it does. Even if it's the only reason why someone won't have a relationship with a someone who has kids, it's totally fine. I don't need convincing that to some, the kids / no kids situation is a barrier; I don't have that requirement, I see it working well often, I've seen it fail a couple of times too but I also see how easy it is to get influenced by other people's experiences, and for some reason that I can't quite make sense of, people prefer to look at the negatives of the situation.

 

I've been trying to offer more positive outcomes because in truth, that's the most common scenario around me. It doesn't have to work for everyone, but it does work; good parents can find time for another person they care about in their lives, some child-free people can see some benefits to getting in such relationships so essentially what I'm trying to say is - it doesn't have to be bad. That's it.

Edited March 12, 2018 by littleblackheart

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, it does. Even if it's the only reason why someone won't have a relationship with a someone who has kids, it's totally fine. I don't need convincing that to some, the kids / no kids situation is a barrier; I don't have that requirement, I see it working well often, I've seen it fail a couple of times too but I also see how easy it is to get influenced by other people's experiences, and for some reason that I can't quite make sense of, people prefer to look at the negatives of the situation.

 

I've been trying to offer more positive outcomes because in truth, that's the most common scenario around me. It doesn't have to work for everyone, but it does work; good parents can find time for another person they care about in their lives, some child-free people can see some benefits to getting in such relationships so essentially what I'm trying to say is - it doesn't have to be bad. That's it.

 

I have loved your posts in this thread.

 

And I totally agree that people prefer to look at the negatives of the situation. I think the childless person talked about in my original post is riddled with anxiety and is a pessimist, which makes the prospect of entering into something he's never done (relationship with a woman with kids) all the more daunting. I can really relate to him because I have anxiety and also tend to catastrophize the unknown.

[littleblackheart]

I have loved your posts in this thread.

 

And I totally agree that people prefer to look at the negatives of the situation. I think the childless person talked about in my original post is riddled with anxiety and is a pessimist, which makes the prospect of entering into something he's never done (relationship with a woman with kids) all the more daunting. I can really relate to him because I have anxiety and also tend to catastrophize the unknown.

 

I hear you, and I get it. Honestly, coming from a place where most social situations were at one time unknown to me, I've found it easier to try and see the bright side (catastrophizing has been my middle name for so long even I got tired of it!).

 

Don't get me wrong, I still think it's perfectly acceptable to not want to go with the unknown but when you start demystifying things and decoding your thought processes, at least you understand why you think or feel the way you do, and you slowly find yourself being ok breaking down your barriers.

 

In terms of the topic of the thread, I'd rather a guy come straight up and say he just doesn't like to deal with kids at this point in his life than come up with convoluted reasons about dealing with exes and only play second fiddle and not have time to just up and go ; I know very few people in my age range (I'm 43) who can do that at the drop of a hat anyway. We all have responsibilities, a family life, obligations, a social life already; I appreciate it's largely age and lifestyle dependent, but in theory adding to the responsibilities we already have should be manageable for most of us (in reasonable doses).

 

Sure it's scary and uncomfortable and not ideal but it can also be great -I've seen it!

[thefooloftheyear]

No disrespect, but to bring up people that brought kids on dates is kinda ridiculous..It's so out of left field its not really worth even factoring into the equation...

 

There are all kinds of extremes...People/women even drug their own kids so they can have the "spontaneity" they want when they have dates over. or want to have uninterrupted sex...I know...Crazy, right??

 

We all made an active choice when we decided to bring these kids into this world...They are a priority...They didn't ask to be here...We owe it to them, and we certainly need to put them on a higher level than people off the street that could be here today and gone tomorrow...

 

If I were seeing a woman that needed to spend time with her younger children and it limited the time with me, I am certainly not going to whine about it...I guess for the needy/clingy types, it presents a problem....I have a lot of other things I do...Including being a parent....I get it....It's fine with me...

 

So if you fall into that category where perhaps you are the type that needs full 100% undivided attention at all times (whether you have had kids yourself or not) then its probably best you avoid others with kids and stick to people that never had them...maybe avoid people that have close family ties, because then you'll end up whining about the person spending too much time with them as well......

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

Yes, it does. Even if it's the only reason why someone won't have a relationship with a someone who has kids, it's totally fine. I don't need convincing that to some, the kids / no kids situation is a barrier; I don't have that requirement, I see it working well often, I've seen it fail a couple of times too but I also see how easy it is to get influenced by other people's experiences, and for some reason that I can't quite make sense of, people prefer to look at the negatives of the situation.

 

I've been trying to offer more positive outcomes because in truth, that's the most common scenario around me. It doesn't have to work for everyone, but it does work; good parents can find time for another person they care about in their lives, some child-free people can see some benefits to getting in such relationships so essentially what I'm trying to say is - it doesn't have to be bad. That's it.

 

I think you're taking my posts easy too personally.

[hotpotato]

No disrespect, but to bring up people that brought kids on dates is kinda ridiculous..It's so out of left field its not really worth even factoring into the equation...

 

There are all kinds of extremes...People/women even drug their own kids so they can have the "spontaneity" they want when they have dates over. or want to have uninterrupted sex...I know...Crazy, right??

 

We all made an active choice when we decided to bring these kids into this world...They are a priority...They didn't ask to be here...We owe it to them, and we certainly need to put them on a higher level than people off the street that could be here today and gone tomorrow...

 

If I were seeing a woman that needed to spend time with her younger children and it limited the time with me, I am certainly not going to whine about it...I guess for the needy/clingy types, it presents a problem....I have a lot of other things I do...Including being a parent....I get it....It's fine with me...

 

So if you fall into that category where perhaps you are the type that needs full 100% undivided attention at all times (whether you have had kids yourself or not) then its probably best you avoid others with kids and stick to people that never had them...maybe avoid people that have close family ties, because then you'll end up whining about the person spending too much time with them as well......

 

TFY

You may think it's ridiculous, but things happen...Sure, it's not usually the 'child' coming on nearly every date, but plenty of things can happen. Babysitter gets sick. Ex can't pick up kids or doesn't want to.

[Usename12]

Guys who don't have kids aren't normally actively looking for a woman with children. He probably thought she was hot, had a good connection with her, believed he could handle the kid thing, then realized he was in over his head. People have all these checklists about what kind of person they want then meet someone who they go gaga over and the checklist goes missing. But that checklist existed for a reason and turns up eventually. Happens all the time. That's why this site exists.

[Popsicle]

No disrespect, but to bring up people that brought kids on dates is kinda ridiculous..It's so out of left field its not really worth even factoring into the equation...

 

There are all kinds of extremes...People/women even drug their own kids so they can have the "spontaneity" they want when they have dates over. or want to have uninterrupted sex...I know...Crazy, right??

 

We all made an active choice when we decided to bring these kids into this world...They are a priority...They didn't ask to be here...We owe it to them, and we certainly need to put them on a higher level than people off the street that could be here today and gone tomorrow...

 

If I were seeing a woman that needed to spend time with her younger children and it limited the time with me, I am certainly not going to whine about it...I guess for the needy/clingy types, it presents a problem....I have a lot of other things I do...Including being a parent....I get it....It's fine with me...

 

So if you fall into that category where perhaps you are the type that needs full 100% undivided attention at all times (whether you have had kids yourself or not) then its probably best you avoid others with kids and stick to people that never had them...maybe avoid people that have close family ties, because then you'll end up whining about the person spending too much time with them as well......

 

TFY

 

Yeah but you probably wouldnt even be interested in a woman and asking her out on a date since you’re so preoccupied. The man who asked me out and brought his daughter was trying to show me something the wrong way. That’s all I’m going to say but I’m def no fool. I know when a man is interested but immature.

 

And then there are men who use their kid as a shield to keep from getting hurt. My own exH used our kids as a shield with the nice girl he dated after our divorce. Poor girl got hurt, she was into him, but he was not ready. Said “the kids” and “I’m busy” and other blahs. I see right through it.