Finding The Right Person To Be In A Relationship With Is Hard

[GuitarGuy7]

If you think about it, finding someone to be in a relationship with and whom you are compatible with is hard. It's almost as if you have to be at the right time, at the right place, and in the right circumstance.

 

first off, you usually have to be around the same age range. A 56 year old likely isn't going to be dating a 20 year old, unless the 56 year old has crap loads of money. You also have to be attracted physically to the person and not only that, they have to find you attractive as well. This can be difficult for some individuals who don't always fit the societal norm on what's considered attractive so as a result, they're more likely to be rejected by the person they like.

 

 

It also has to be the right time as well. Maybe you find someone whom you're physically attracted to, have compatible interests with, and they find you attractive but they're already in a relationship or they could be moving away soon. It could also be that you two aren't looking for the same type of relationship. Maybe they just want sex and they ghost you afterwards even though you're looking for something more. Or it could simply be that you're too shy to ask the person you like out because you're still learning to overcome your shyness.

 

 

It also has to be at the right place. You generally meet someone through mutual friends, at a meeting, or through online dating sites. Not only that, someone has to be brave enough to strike up a conversation and have decent enough social skills to be able to generate a connection and not come off as weird or a creep.

 

 

Meeting the right person, at the right place, at the right time, can be hard and a lot of it just comes down to luck. That's why a lot of people settle with someone who isn't right for them simply because they're lonely and society tells us we should find someone.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My advice for you is that you're way too young to be wasting so much of your youth on analyzing dating and relationships this deeply (with the multiple threads you've started on the topic). Get out there and have fun. You have the whole rest of your life to be this analytical about love, and you'll probably find that with some life experience, a lot of your questions will be naturally answered.....for now....because another ten years will bring you another whole perspective because life is hard and we're all just forever trying to figure it out!

[mammasita]

Its really not that hard. We're just all preconditioned to think that we should be in a relationship that we end up with whatever is in front of us. It takes a little more time and consideration to find compatibility. That said, you find all of these unhappy people because they rushed into something when they really shouldn't have.

 

It's all about taking your time and getting to know someone. Sure right time and right place can be factors.....but ultimately, take your time.

[CrazyKatLady]

Wow! That is really introspective. Nice analytical skills! At least you see it for what it is--just be open to meeting someone for when that day and time might come. Just let it happen organically.

[nospam99]

Ironically, this is exactly why OLD is 'working' for me. As always, at my age (64 for those readers who don't already recognize my yapping) the demographics are hugely in my favor. I freely admit I can't say how well my observations below apply at other ages. And, like anyone else, I'm vulnerable to liars and flakes. That said ...

first off, you usually have to be around the same age range.

Slam dunk: OLD provides dozens of 'potentials', all pre-sorted by age

You also have to be attracted physically to the person

OLD provides photos. My own experience is that those photos vary from spot on to close enough when compared to the women in person

and not only that, they have to find you attractive as well.

No guarantees here. But the ladies get to see my photos and make their own pre-assessment before even responding to a message from me. They have the added advantage of knowing my height, a physical factor which some research has identified as the greatest single influence on male attractiveness to females

It also has to be the right time as well. Maybe you find someone whom you're physically attracted to, have compatible interests with, and they find you attractive but they're already in a relationship or they could be moving away soon.

Both parties are 'hunting'. Yes, there is still risk of romance scam and other lies.

It could also be that you two aren't looking for the same type of relationship. Maybe they just want sex and they ghost you afterwards even though you're looking for something more.

I assert that sex to LTR is a continuum/spectrum. There are enough fields in an OLD profile for one 'searcher' to make an assessment of what their 'prey' (joking, ladies, get real) is looking for. Again, liars must be filtered.

It also has to be at the right place. You generally meet someone through mutual friends, at a meeting, or through online dating sites.

'Nuff said

Not only that, someone has to be brave enough to strike up a conversation and have decent enough social skills to be able to generate a connection and not come off as weird or a creep.

Okay, OLD is not going to help with this. Like any other dating scenario, you have to be able to 'use the Force'

a lot of it just comes down to luck.

True dat. Always has been, always will

That's why a lot of people settle with someone who isn't right for them simply because they're lonely and society tells us we should find someone.

True, but a different problem than 'finding'. My unsage advice: love yourself enough to not settle. And don't give up.

[snowboy91]

Yes it is hard... but not impossible. You'll find it will get a lot easier if you can get yourself into a space (I mean physically as well as mentally) where you can meet lots of new people often. I actually think the more difficult part is actually deciding whether your new (or not so new) date is actually the right one for you.

 

There is so much advice out there on dating, good bad and ugly. Ultimately, because it is so personal it really just turns out to be trial and error. In essence, I agree with CautiouslyOptimistic. Get out there, have some fun and don't be afraid to mess up occasionally (within reason!).

[Keats]

Because even the right person is a major disapointment.

 

Everyone is really.

 

Pick someone who knows how to communicate and knows how to change.

 

Without these two skills, the best man or woman, can be horrible as hell.

[CptInsano]

[...]

Meeting the right person, at the right place, at the right time, can be hard and a lot of it just comes down to luck. That's why a lot of people settle with someone who isn't right for them simply because they're lonely and society tells us we should find someone.

 

No, it really doesn't come down to luck, at least not in the long run. It comes down to meeting people, being open to those people, and not being hung up on stereotypes or categories. If it works for you and makes you feel happy, don't question it despite what other people think or recommend.

 

I mean, I haven't been in an LTR for most of my life since becoming an adult. From my perspective it has more to do with taking risks and persistence than with having luck.

[thefooloftheyear]

No, it really doesn't come down to luck, at least not in the long run. It comes down to meeting people, being open to those people, and not being hung up on stereotypes or categories. If it works for you and makes you feel happy, don't question it despite what other people think or recommend.

 

I mean, I haven't been in an LTR for most of my life since becoming an adult. From my perspective it has more to do with taking risks and persistence than with having luck.

 

 

This...

 

The only thing I would add is that it's much easier when you know what you truly want out of a person/relationship...People waste countless years chasing people they were never meant to be with in the first place..

 

I think it's much harder in the current dating culture, as it's turned into a "buffet" of sorts, where people just pick and peck at little amounts of things....It may be somewhat satisfying in the short term, but they never get a lot (or all)of what they truly want...

 

TFY

[central]

Indeed, finding the right person is very difficult - and knowing what that even means (in terms of compatibility) isn't something everyone understands.

 

Time, persistence, and meeting a LOT of women - plus a little luck - will usually get good results.

 

Remember, though, that as hard as it is, it's much easier than trying to make it work with someone who isn't a great match.

[normal person]

first off, you usually have to be around the same age range. A 56 year old likely isn't going to be dating a 20 year old, unless the 56 year old has crap loads of money.

 

How does people of a differing age range existing affect your ability to meet people of the same age range? If someone isn't your desired age range and vice versa, you just ignore each other and focus on the more age appropriate people. Also, many women prefer older men. The acceptable age range isn't quite so narrow.

 

You also have to be attracted physically to the person and not only that, they have to find you attractive as well.

 

Billions and billions of people throughout history have managed to reproduce. Most people manage to do it. Finding someone with whom there's mutual attraction and forming a relationship and more is the norm for most people. It's not always the most straightforward path, but most people manage to figure it out at some point. I'd be reluctant to call it "hard." You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

This can be difficult for some individuals who don't always fit the societal norm on what's considered attractive so as a result, they're more likely to be rejected by the person they like.

 

Perhaps for some, but certainly not all. The exceptions don't prove the rule.

 

It also has to be the right time as well. Maybe you find someone whom you're physically attracted to, have compatible interests with, and they find you attractive but they're already in a relationship or they could be moving away soon. It could also be that you two aren't looking for the same type of relationship. Maybe they just want sex and they ghost you afterwards even though you're looking for something more.

 

It happens. But there are plenty of other people out there with whom the circumstances are more conducive to forming a connection. So it's not the end of the world by any means.

 

Or it could simply be that you're too shy to ask the person you like out because you're still learning to overcome your shyness.

 

Survival of the fittest. Those who don't have this limitation or have the drive and ambition to deal with it will likely get the opportunities. Those who can't figure it out, won't. That's basically how the world works.

 

It also has to be at the right place. You generally meet someone through mutual friends, at a meeting, or through online dating sites.

 

What's so "hard" about that? The first two methods are basically free auditions to someone without having to meet through other less advantageous circumstances. If anything those are easy. They're given to you on a silver platter. With online dating, you know every person is single and looking for relationships and it gives you a direct link to them that you never would've had otherwise. That's a godsend. You have an easy, non-invasive, socially acceptable way of connecting to single people everywhere. In no point in history has it ever been easier to view, select, and meet potential partners than it is now. You're living through the golden age and complaining that it's not easy enough. Good Lord. Also, you didn't even mention meeting people in public, like in college, at a bar, at a club, etc, which is where multitudes of people meet their partners.

 

Not only that, someone has to be brave enough to strike up a conversation and have decent enough social skills to be able to generate a connection and not come off as weird or a creep.

 

Your bar for "brave" seems pretty low. Any adult that doesn't possess the social skills to hold a normal conversation without seeming weird or predatory likely has larger problems.

 

Meeting the right person, at the right place, at the right time, can be hard and a lot of it just comes down to luck. That's why a lot of people settle with someone who isn't right for them simply because they're lonely and society tells us we should find someone.

 

So don't leave it up to just to "luck." Accept responsibility and change the things that can be changed. If circumstantial factors prevent you from being with someone, accept it, move on, and find someone else with better circumstances and/or change the circumstances. If the woman you like is involved with someone else, tough luck. Go to the bar, go online, get out there and meet someone else. There are plenty of others. Be proactive and change things rather than complaining about the way things are. I'm not saying finding the right person is always "easy," but I also think you've overblowing it and absolving the personal responsibility that is often necessary to get the things you want. If people aren't willing to step out of their comfort zones and/or change the things that they can change (or even try to), then their lack of success is a personal failure, not a circumstantial one.

[ZA Dater]

How does people of a differing age range existing affect your ability to meet people of the same age range? If someone isn't your desired age range and vice versa, you just ignore each other and focus on the more age appropriate people. Also, many women prefer older men. The acceptable age range isn't quite so narrow.

 

 

 

Billions and billions of people throughout history have managed to reproduce. Most people manage to do it. Finding someone with whom there's mutual attraction and forming a relationship and more is the norm for most people. It's not always the most straightforward path, but most people manage to figure it out at some point. I'd be reluctant to call it "hard." You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

 

 

Perhaps for some, but certainly not all. The exceptions don't prove the rule.

 

 

 

It happens. But there are plenty of other people out there with whom the circumstances are more conducive to forming a connection. So it's not the end of the world by any means.

 

 

 

Survival of the fittest. Those who don't have this limitation or have the drive and ambition to deal with it will likely get the opportunities. Those who can't figure it out, won't. That's basically how the world works.

 

 

 

What's so "hard" about that? The first two methods are basically free auditions to someone without having to meet through other less advantageous circumstances. If anything those are easy. They're given to you on a silver platter. With online dating, you know every person is single and looking for relationships and it gives you a direct link to them that you never would've had otherwise. That's a godsend. You have an easy, non-invasive, socially acceptable way of connecting to single people everywhere. In no point in history has it ever been easier to view, select, and meet potential partners than it is now. You're living through the golden age and complaining that it's not easy enough. Good Lord. Also, you didn't even mention meeting people in public, like in college, at a bar, at a club, etc, which is where multitudes of people meet their partners.

 

 

 

Your bar for "brave" seems pretty low. Any adult that doesn't possess the social skills to hold a normal conversation without seeming weird or predatory likely has larger problems.

 

 

 

So don't leave it up to just to "luck." Accept responsibility and change the things that can be changed. If circumstantial factors prevent you from being with someone, accept it, move on, and find someone else with better circumstances and/or change the circumstances. If the woman you like is involved with someone else, tough luck. Go to the bar, go online, get out there and meet someone else. There are plenty of others. Be proactive and change things rather than complaining about the way things are. I'm not saying finding the right person is always "easy," but I also think you've overblowing it and absolving the personal responsibility that is often necessary to get the things you want. If people aren't willing to step out of their comfort zones and/or change the things that they can change (or even try to), then their lack of success is a personal failure, not a circumstantial one.

 

 

 

While I do agree with much you say here, to say luck doesn't count is perhaps stretching things a bit and I do believe circumstance can conspire to rob people of success, if you think about this realistically I think am correct. However, you can totally blame circumstance either...

 

 

The way it see it you either get dots to link up or not. Its fair to say anyone of us here can get laid if we were really desperate enough so the whole "reproduce" thing is mute, whether we would want to be with those people is another point entirely.

 

 

There is so much more to dating than dating, I have never had any success at it but I am learning that getting the date is so incredibly hard if you really want to go out with someone you want.

 

 

I think the OP is correct in many things though, you cannot really ensure success at dating, you can try and try but that's no assurance of success, you can write an exam over and over again but if you aren't understanding the work you wont succeed and I think many people fall into that group when it comes to dating (including me).

 

 

At the end of the day it depends how much you really want it, do you want it enough to persist and persist or are there things you want more, are there different ways to go about dating, compromises yes and one of the saddest things for me are people who settle at anything, be it career, be it dating be it anything, we are capable of many things and when it comes to dating I'd rather be alone than settle for someone I don't want.

[basil67]

It's almost as if you have to be at the right time, at the right place, and in the right circumstance.

 

It's not "almost as if". It's an absolute given that all these are must be place to get together with a person. If one of these is missing, it won't work.

 

Edited to add: Normal Person is right on the money. While the time/place/circumstances have to be in place, there's a lot we can do to make it easier on ourselves. Such as being open to new opportunities and getting ourselves out there in person.

Edited March 11, 2018 by basil67

[preraph]

You need to stop looking for the "right person" before you even date them. You just need to date people and then find out what they're like and not imagine that they are just because you're attracted to them. A date is not a marriage proposal. It's just the way you meet people and see what they're like. More don't work out than do. Your intensity on this is going to scare a lot of girls off. You have too many preconceived notions and I'm afraid you will try to make every girl you're attracted to fit the "ideal girl" script in your head, and that girl simply doesn't exist. You're going to have to get used to real people with real flaws at some point and realize you too are one. If you go into it assuming some girl is like the one in your head, you're going to hit and miss most of the time. If you just give that up and go out and get to know someone, you'll do a lot better.

[Butterflying]

Finding the right person to be in a relationship with is hard. Why? Because you’re not supposed to LOOK for this person. Just enjoy life. Date. Experience people for who they are & what you bring to each other’s lives. Know that when you’re both feeling the same, you both will decide to be in a relationship. It’s simple!

 

Looking, expecting, and forcing things to happen is what makes it hard. There’s no such thing as The One. It happens when two people decide to make it happen.

[HiCrunchy]

Yes you are right.

 

Which is why when I find someone that meets 80 percent of what I am looking for and doesn't violate any of my deal breakers (like doesn't beat me, not an addict, doesn't gamble his life savings, cheating etc), I am snatching them up and not letting go.

 

Who knows when I am going to find another person like that again? Or when.

[Mysterio]

As I keep saying. I think a lot of us are just going to have to let a right person fall into our lap. Just focus on things that make you happy.

 

When I look at my life. Romance tends to happen when I don't care about my love life and I am not trying to make things happen.

 

Viewing myself. My own patience that has to be checked. At age 47. I figure this. The universe, must really want me to be single and has a special lady in mind. So special that for me to go out and date other women, is ruining it for me.

 

I have been out with a lot of women since 1989 when I started actually dating, that I don't feel that need to be dating all these women. I have women friends and aquintances, if I need a woman's advice they are there.

 

Its not a sex thing where I feel deprived of sex that I am seeking a mate. I still don't like the rituals of dating. Just going up to them, making small talk and asking them out and then some times they flake. Which I don't understand why. Its not like I am asking out a woman and then we have to kiss/sex on the table right away.

 

Outsmarting my life is a challenge. I do drive myself a little crazy trying to figure it out. I just now have to be realistic when it comes to having a romantic relationship.

 

Just knowing myself. I think that the woman for me has to be single and childless and close to the same age. We both want to have introspective conversation. A Spritual connection. Going to Music venues/movies/working out. Being flexable with each other. I think thats fair.