Young marriage heading in the wrong direction

[fritz123]

Been married for almost two years, and have a 11 month old son. Ever since my son was born, our conflicts have become gradually worse with zero compromises being made whenever opinions diverge. I'm renting a small flat for my parents-in-law as my wife wants help with the baby from her mother. They are Taiwanese by the way, and I am European.

 

Conflict 1: a few days after birth, my wife said she cannot breastfeed and I encouraged her to follow the advice of our doctor and lactation consultant as I argued breastmilk is really better for the child. But my mother-in-law started shouting and claiming formula is equally healthy. I sent her a list of data to support my view, but no response. Two days later the parents-in-laws became emotional and asked why I "forced" my wife to breastfeed. My wife had apparently told them I was forcing her, while I was merely making a suggestion!

 

Another conflict: my wife stopped paying her part of the rent, for no good reason. I asked her why, and she said she just felt it was unfair for her to pay due to her taking care of the child etc. That left me with paying the rent for our apartment, our parents apartment and a variety of other bills. I was paying $6k a month and she $1k, even though she has a substantial amount of savings and a decent salary. About six months ago, I was fired from my job and switched to a lower-pay job. Situation largely unchanged. She still doesn't want to share costs, although she reimbursed me for the part of the expenses for 6 months so that I don't run down my savings too much every month.

 

Conflict number 3: since the child was born I haven't had much sleep. I would guess roughly 4-5 hours a night on average. Perhaps coincidental or not, my teeth have started to deteriorate and I ended up with significant pain in the gum. Turns out two of my teeth had turned rotten to the point of no return and had to be pulled out. So I went to the dentist to pull them out and returned home in the afternoon with significant bleeding in my mouth. By that time, I had already slept next to my son for three days and barely had 4 hours of sleep the last night, while my wife slept in the room next door. I asked her whether she could take over this one night while I recuperate (my mouth was still bleeding and it hurt like hell because I am cautious about taking pain killers). But she refused and we ended up shouting at each other. I couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t even take responsibility of sleeping next to her child for one night while I recuperate. She’s the mother and we were only talking about one night (!) Other guy friends I have tell me they never sleep together with the baby but somehow I am obliged to.

 

My wife is friendly sometimes, other times not but mostly she's constantly nagging. I pick up my child from the stroller - she says I can't. I feed him with banana when he's hungry - she says he shouldn't eat banana. It's like living in a prison. I've told her my feelings, but she just says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Nothing works - I ask if we can at least try to listen to each other, and try to make each other happy but no response. I bought her Gary Chapman's book, and try to signal to her what I'm really looking for and ask for her to do the same. I've tried to get us to go to marriage counselling, but she refuses. Additionally, whenever I complain about something, she puts on a drama and mobilizes her parents to start hating me. At this point, it's a minefield interacting with her parents, given how much they've come to dislike me. God knows why, because I frankly don't know what my wife has told them. I think I'm a generally nice person, though I can be stubborn sometimes and don't accept it when people aren't reasonable. But what is the alternative - getting run over and feeling like a wimp for the rest of my life?

 

I see no solution as she doesn't want to listen. Whenever I say something she doesn't like - she hits back with something to give me a sort of revenge. If I say "I don't like the fact that you're always nagging", she would say "I don't nag" and something about how I'm a bad father. I just don't see it - in fact my son generally prefers to be held by me more than anyone else.

 

Yesterday, with yet another fight I left the apartment to avoid a clash with her parents and checked into a hotel. Not sure what to do now. I've asked whether her parents can go back to Taiwan now as the mother has already been here for a year, but my wife won't relent. I don't want to go back and face the ire of the parents-in-laws as they are very emotional and hard to reason with, as many Chinese tend to be. I would like to discuss this with a therapist, but how can I convince her to go with me? I think she is afraid that the therapist will side with me. She is super-sensitive about being criticized and has to this day never admitted that she has done anything wrong. That makes it impossible for me to give her any advice as well without getting into a big fight.

Edited June 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[healing light]

I'm sorry to say, but your wife sounds really self-centered. If she's not even willing to go to counseling and seems to have no concern for your well-being, physically or financially, I don't see this working out long-term. She doesn't fight fair and it doesn't sound like she is capable of good communication, nor does she want to improve...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Fritz, sorry to see you here. Firstly, can you clarify where you are living? Is it in Europe or the US? Secondly where and under what circumstances did you meet your wife? Thirdly, is your wife earning as much as you or more or less than you? If she earns the same or more why is she not shouldering her fair share of the financial burden? Why is she making you pay to have her patents rent an apartment close to you? If she wants her parents then she should pay for them.

 

I should think that inter ethnic marriages of the tupey you are in would be difficult to navigate precisely because of the huge cultural differences that exist between Western and Far Eastern ethnicities. In fact the differences between your cultural conditioning and hers could be as different as chalk is from cheese. It seem to me that taking this one major fact into consideration, you should be resigned to the fact that your union is not going to work out. The only sad thing is that you brought a child into this unhealthy mix so early in the marriage. Maybe if you had waited a while and seen how things were, then you could have made an assessment as to whether this union was workable or not before introducing a child into the mix. Given the situation you have described I would say that you will have to pull the plug on this toxic union sooner rather than later. Best wishes.

Edited June 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fritz123]

Wow, judging from the replies the situation may be worse than I had expected. Am I painting the relationship in too bad a light? Everything I said above is true though. There may be cultural differences but in any culture, I would have to think that my wife is acting unreasonable. If it wasn't for the child, I would have pulled the plug to be honest. He is an amazing little boy however and I do want the best for him - including a loving family. I also want to see him more often than every other week as might be expected after a divorce.

 

We are living in Singapore. I met her when I first came to Singapore as a (young) expat on an online dating platform. At that time I was making decent money, but I lost the job. Compared to before I'm barely scraping by. To a local, my salary might look decent, but I'm paying for a condo + another apartment, plus extra bills. My wife now makes about double what I make, and she also has way more savings than i do. I don't think her behaviour had anything to do with money to be honest, she just wants to win - against me, against everyone. I guess? I should add that she has been a star student throughout her life and should be considered successful in her career.

[fritz123]

I'm thinking there must be something I could do, though? Surely there must be other couples that have come out of even more difficult situations? My main concern is that she seems absolutely unwilling to relent. I've left the apartment and staying in a hotel right now. My current plan is to book a counselling session for next Saturday and invite her to it. If she refuses to join, I don't know what to do. If I go back to my apartment her parents will likely blame me for leaving after the drama that unfolded yesterday - it might get ugly.

[mrs rubble]

I think your wife is really selfish too, she should be paying at least half of everything. People like that never change, my eldest son's father was the same very stingy with his money. He was also very critical and offended many times, I lasted 3 and a half years before I couldn't take it anymore.

 

 

Try the counselling, rather try to get her to go once more, if she won't then walk.

[canadaman817]

Firstly, I honor your intentions very much and am proud of how you have handled the situation. I believe that marriage is sacred and should be kept together in spite of extreme difficulties, and I believe that fathers play very important roles in the lives of their children. I feel that you and your wife certainly need more independence from her parents in your marriage, but this seems very difficult to achieve when she is so connected with them. I also believe it's healthy to have financial equality in your marriage, as well as equality in raising your children, so it's unfortunate that is not the case.

 

Can I ask what love language you have found from reading the Gary Chapman book, and whether or not it has helped? It is very wise for you to have sought out counseling. Even if your wife is not willing to attend, I definitely think it would help to talk it out with an experienced counselor or pastor and figure out steps you can take to improve communication between you and your wife. Praying for you in your struggles!

[Els]

Other guy friends I have tell me they never sleep together with the baby but somehow I am obliged to.

 

---

I asked her why, and she said she just felt it was unfair for her to pay due to her taking care of the child etc.

 

How much of the childcare and housework do you actually do? Both of these comments seem to indicate that you feel that you shouldn't need to do as much as she does, and that you don't do as much as she does, is that true?

 

It reads to me like there's a lot of resentment brewing from her end about being expected to pay half the rent AND do the majority of the childcare. Granted she should learn to express things in a better way, but that's how it looks to me.

 

It also seems like both of you might be a bad fit. Some parts of Chinese culture can be difficult for a European (or even a modern Chinese) to swallow. This should have been a consideration before you married.

 

If she is truly doing the bulk of the childcare, I would recommend either stepping up, or accepting the uneven financial split. And then talk to her about needing to communicate better.

[BaileyB]

Did you discuss any of these things before you were married - division of labour, plans for childcare and discipline, relationships with extended family, etc...

 

These are big issues that have the potential to break any relationship if there is disagreement. It's difficult to negotiate these things AFTER the wedding and/or baby is born...

[RecentChange]

Uff....

 

I don't know, like they say "an ounce of prevention, is worth a pound of cure".

 

How were your conflict resolution skills (as a couple) before the child was born? Were you two able to tackle disagreements in a respectful and constructive manner, one in which you were both heard, and compromise met without much conflict?

 

I am guessing the answer is no - and for me, this is at the top of the list when it comes to deciding if a couple should contemplate marriage.

 

Why "her money, my money" - you two were really planning to divide expenses and pay them out of separate accounts... till death do you part? Personally, I couldn't imagine taking this "this is mine, that is yours" approach to marriage. For me, its OUR money. Its OUR expenses, its OUR responsibilities. We are a team, partners in life, not this "you owe me for last months rent" stuff. That is for roommates, not spouses.

 

Child rearing, another incredibly significant area for a couple to agree upon. Was this not discussed before? Why the heck are you sleeping with the baby, while she sleeps in another room?!

 

Shouldn't the husband and wife be sleeping TOGETHER? And either co-sleep with the baby, if that is what you choose, or share nighttime duties.

 

What I see? I see a lot of issues that take away intimacy. Her against you, you against her. Not "our money, our home, our bed" but "my money" "my bills, her bills" "I sleep here, she sleeps there".

 

How was your relationship before you got married?

[BaileyB]

I see a lot of issues that take away intimacy. Her against you, you against her.

 

Add her parents to the mix and ain't nobody happy...

[Lowrider93]

Sounds like you have your hands full with your wife,

as far as her parents, they don't get to vote in your marriage.

I wouldn't even want their opinion, Mind their own business.

Let them pay their own rent.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Lowrider93

[fritz123]

@RecentChange:

 

Our conflict management skills are basically non-existent. When we didn't have to make major joint decisions there were no conflicts. Our relationship was good. Choosing a restaurant, or where to go for holiday are not major issues. If she doesn't want to have Italian food tonight, why would I push. But once you start making decisions about whether to breastfeed the baby, how to deal with allergy etc suddenly I might have a strong opinion. She wants to win arguments, so what to do?

 

I should have discussed all this before. I was simply not very smart about it. Same thing with rushing into a marriage. I was not very careful, perhaps too excited about tying the knot with someone I admired.

 

@Elswyth:

 

We have a filipina helper who does all the cooking and cleaning. With regards to the baby, I come home at 7.00pm at night and the baby goes to bed at 9.00pm. On weekends I spend all of my time with the family right now, feeding him with bottle, playing with him and taking him out etc. What I'm not doing is cooking the food for the baby, so perhaps that could be a reason she thinks I do less. But it's not for lack of trying: I've suggested I sleep in the same room as the baby 100% of the time, but she declined (the reason I first suggested this was so that at least one of us could get some proper sleep at night, rather than being waken up by the baby several times a night). I don't think me not doing enough should be an issue, even though she has certainly hinted at it. With so much support and so many people around, the baby tends to have at least 2 people playing with it at any given point in time. My wife works as much as I do, and makes 2x as me, so I don't think a 50/50 division of labor is really that far off.

 

No intimacy since the baby, partly due to the impact of breastfeeding I suppose.

 

@canadaman817:

 

Thanks for the advice. I honestly think religion might help. I am not religious myself, but I can see how religion might help shaping values and beliefs in the right direction. I just managed to get her to a marriage counsellor this Friday, after many days of trying. So I'm hoping for the best. If I recall correctly, she mentioned that her love language was acts of service and words of affirmation. I guess I can do more in terms of helping out and giving her positive words of encouragement. I think the Chapman book is great, but it probably works best if both are really motivated, and really try hard to please the other.

[RecentChange]

Yeah some how you need to get through to her so she will go to counseling with you.

 

You two need some tools for your tool box. Right in now you are hitting each other over the head with rocks.

 

Counseling will teach you two how to communicate better.

 

If you both love and respect each other, fixing this should be a common goal.

 

How do you think she would respond if you approached her from an angle like this:

 

"Look, I don't want us to be living this way. With so much stress and disagreements. It's not good for your health, and it's not a good way to live. It's not good for me either, and I love you and my son with all my heart, so I want better for us.

 

Will you go to a counselor with me so that we can learn how to be better to each other? Better for our son? We all deserve the very best."

 

Curious, how long did you know her before you married? What was the courtship like? Sounds like you two were not tested much at all if picking a restaurant was the biggest hurdle.

[Els]

@Elswyth:

 

We have a filipina helper who does all the cooking and cleaning. With regards to the baby, I come home at 7.00pm at night and the baby goes to bed at 9.00pm. On weekends I spend all of my time with the family right now, feeding him with bottle, playing with him and taking him out etc. What I'm not doing is cooking the food for the baby, so perhaps that could be a reason she thinks I do less. But it's not for lack of trying: I've suggested I sleep in the same room as the baby 100% of the time, but she declined (the reason I first suggested this was so that at least one of us could get some proper sleep at night, rather than being waken up by the baby several times a night). I don't think me not doing enough should be an issue, even though she has certainly hinted at it. With so much support and so many people around, the baby tends to have at least 2 people playing with it at any given point in time. My wife works as much as I do, and makes 2x as me, so I don't think a 50/50 division of labor is really that far off.

 

No intimacy since the baby, partly due to the impact of breastfeeding I suppose.

 

Ah, okay.

 

I guess the main problem here is that there are very polar opposite worldviews and cultures at play, and for some reason none of this was brought up or discussed prior to getting married or pregnant. Unfortunately all of what you mentioned is fairly common for traditional East Asians - having the parents live nearby (or even in your home), the husband being expected to be the provider (even if he has a less stellar career), the resistance to counseling (it's expected that you don't talk to third parties about your relationship), and lack of thorough/explicit communication. Don't get me wrong, there are good things about the culture too (like the parents essentially providing free daily childcare in exchange for rent, ergo at a cheaper rate than the average daycare) - but these reasons are why many people, even modern East Asians, do not align themselves with it.

 

I'm not really sure what you can do at this stage. One thing that strikes me is that there is so much external help (all of it being paid for by you guys), and yet you and your wife are having to wake up with the baby at night. With jobs that take you out of the home for 12 hours a day each in addition to being woken up at night constantly, it's no wonder you are both stressed, unhappy, and fighting. Instead of having so many people fussing with the baby and the house in the day, can the baby overnight with the parents sometimes, or can the helper do a evening/night shift instead of a day shift?

[BaileyB]

No intimacy since the baby, partly due to the impact of breastfeeding I suppose.

 

One thing to consider... Your child is 11 months old. Are you saying that there has been no sex in the past 11 months? That's really not normal.

 

Sure, there is a period of healing after the birth and intimacy may not be as frequent given the exhaustion that many new parents experience... But, almost a year after the birth of a baby - most couples are having sex again.

 

Breastfeeding alone, wouldn't affect a woman's ability to have sex with her husband. However, the conflict in your marriage - the disagreements about breastfeeding, the current sleeping arrangements, and the conflict resulting from her parents intrusion in your relationship - well, that will affect her desire to be intimate... Issues outside the bedroom will most certainly affect the desire to be intimate.