Did I do okay with this?

[bradt93]

Hi Brad

 

I have Aspergers too, I've spent many a year observing social cues and understand them now, but it doesn't make getting into a relationship any easier. Having ASD will complicate things for sure, but it's basically just as tricky for NTs.

 

If you could put having ASD aside (difficult, I know), what do you find the most difficult to do and what do you think you would benefit most from the board in terms of general advice? Is it decoding signs of mutual interest, or more how to get yourself noticed by girls you like?

The most difficult thing for me to do is understanding a basic womans social cues, like if I start a conversation, is she interested or repulsed by me? things like that. I want to get myself noticed by girls more. I think all women just automatically hate me for no reason and all this has to be in my head. I wonder if that's part of having aspergers? I don't approach women either,because it's hard for me.

[bradt93]

Yes, so what should I do?

[littleblackheart]

The most difficult thing for me to do is understanding a basic womans social cues, like if I start a conversation, is she interested or repulsed by me? things like that. I want to get myself noticed by girls more. I think all women just automatically hate me for no reason and all this has to be in my head. I wonder if that's part of having aspergers? I don't approach women either,because it's hard for me.

 

Yes, it's kind of part of being ASD because of the mind blindedness, which means you will often musinterpret social cues.

 

No woman hates you, especially if they don't know you from Adam. The most likely scenario is that they're going about their day, doing their own thing and don't really give strangers any thought unless you caught their attention.

 

There's not one size fits all and interested women will show that in various ways, because they're all individual.

 

There is plenty of info online about how to read social clues but the only thing that's worked for me is observing other people. I'm a woman so my experience is different in that I've had to distinguish friendship and courtship (it all looked the same to me until someone told I was unwittingly giving men mixed signals of interest, resulting in very many embarrassing situations).

 

Usually if someone is pleased to see you rather than indifferent, they'll show by smiling at you and engaging in conversion of their own accord, they seek your company (at break time for instance, or they'll be physically close to you whenever they have a chance).

 

If no-one displays that behaviour openly, this just means you need to be proactive but subtly make yourself noticed - you can start random conversations about a common topic (class, for instance). See if they're receptive (they give you more than a couple of words' answers and their body language is inviting, ie smiling) and take it from there.

 

What you need to remember is that you can only control your own actions and feelings, and even if you think you've done everything right, it won't work with everyone or even most people - not because they hate you; simply because they are not interested (which is fine). Don't take it personally, everyone (ASD or NT) is on the same boat with this (plenty of threads here on LS back this up). It is not in any way a reflection of your value as a man or a human being, it's just a reality that you can't please everyone.

 

If you feel secure in yourself, you'll be alright - you can work around your condition, read upon it a lot, understand how yourmind works - it'll help you be in control. There's no reason why it should stop you from living your life like everyone else.

 

I'll be happy to help in any way I can re aspergers.

[bradt93]

Yes, it's kind of part of being ASD because of the mind blindedness, which means you will often musinterpret social cues.

 

No woman hates you, especially if they don't know you from Adam. The most likely scenario is that they're going about their day, doing their own thing and don't really give strangers any thought unless you caught their attention.

 

There's not one size fits all and interested women will show that in various ways, because they're all individual.

 

There is plenty of info online about how to read social clues but the only thing that's worked for me is observing other people. I'm a woman so my experience is different in that I've had to distinguish friendship and courtship (it all looked the same to me until someone told I was unwittingly giving men mixed signals of interest, resulting in very many embarrassing situations).

 

Usually if someone is pleased to see you rather than indifferent, they'll show by smiling at you and engaging in conversion of their own accord, they seek your company (at break time for instance, or they'll be physically close to you whenever they have a chance).

 

If no-one displays that behaviour openly, this just means you need to be proactive but subtly make yourself noticed - you can start random conversations about a common topic (class, for instance). See if they're receptive (they give you more than a couple of words' answers and their body language is inviting, ie smiling) and take it from there.

 

What you need to remember is that you can only control your own actions and feelings, and even if you think you've done everything right, it won't work with everyone or even most people - not because they hate you; simply because they are not interested (which is fine). Don't take it personally, everyone (ASD or NT) is on the same boat with this (plenty of threads here on LS back this up). It is not in any way a reflection of your value as a man or a human being, it's just a reality that you can't please everyone.

 

If you feel secure in yourself, you'll be alright - you can work around your condition, read upon it a lot, understand how yourmind works - it'll help you be in control. There's no reason why it should stop you from living your life like everyone else.

 

I'll be happy to help in any way I can re aspergers.

I know it's different for NT women and ASD women, but what do you do yourself to show that you're interested in a guy if you don't mind me asking? Do you smile at them and initiate conversation with the guy or do you let the guy make the first move?

[normal person]

I know I'm behind the curve, not because I'm not smart academically, but because I've been through a lot in my personal life fighting depression and my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, but she caught it at an early stage, thank god. I would've graduated in 2012, but also the transfer credits I originally took transferred to a 4 year school I was originally going to go to, but I decided an a different school and had to take different credits which also put me behind. I changed my mind on the school I supposed to go to, because it was too far away from home.

 

Well ok, but women usually aren't going to give you the benefit of the doubt. They see a 29 year old still in school, they don't know or perhaps even care why, but it may be a red flag to them whether you get a chance to explain the situation or not. Either way, you're still a lot older and at 29, if you're trying to pick up 18-21 year olds, it could look a bit... predatory? You should save yourself some headaches and focus more on women your own age for now, I think.

 

Yes, so what should I do?

 

Did she respond?

[bradt93]

Well ok, but women usually aren't going to give you the benefit of the doubt. They see a 29 year old still in school, they don't know or perhaps even care why, but it may be a red flag to them whether you get a chance to explain the situation or not. Either way, you're still a lot older and at 29, if you're trying to pick up 18-21 year olds, it could look a bit... predatory? You should save yourself some headaches and focus more on women your own age for now, I think.

 

 

 

Did she respond?

Thank you for being straight with me. So I'm better sticking with women my own age even though if they're 21 and I'm 29, that's just 8 years apart?

[littleblackheart]

I know it's different for NT women and ASD women, but what do you do yourself to show that you're interested in a guy if you don't mind me asking? Do you smile at them and initiate conversation with the guy or do you let the guy make the first move?

 

I'm not a good example as I'm 43 and not interested in getting into any sort of relationship but when I was younger, what men would take as signs of interest was generally acting friendly - smiling, showing that you are enjoying their company, listening to their stories and getting to know them. I'd do that even when I had no interest in a guy beyond friendship but it backfired on me about 90% of the time, as in I'd invariably end up being asked out, or having guys declare their flame years on.

 

In terms of the age difference, it's not that bad but at your age, people are generally a bit more settled in their life so there will be stereotypes and judgements by others who won't quite get why you're still studying at your age, which is also where the ASD comes in, unfortunately, who aren't so good at 'conforming'.

 

But there will be girls who will 'get' you - I totally get you feel the pressure re losing your virginity and it feels like somehow you are not doing things right. It is the case that our brains are wired differently to NTs but the important thing is to know how you work first, so you can adjust your behaviour to the expected standards of behaviour. It'll help you see what you do differently to others.

 

Besides, what we are doing here is give our personal opinions or what's worked for us in our personal circumstances - they are not facts or the absolute truth. You need to adapt all advice to your own circumstances.

Edited March 15, 2018 by littleblackheart

[road]

21 is not to young, though best to not go younger

[normal person]

Thank you for being straight with me. So I'm better sticking with women my own age even though if they're 21 and I'm 29, that's just 8 years apart?

 

I'm not saying you can't, but I'd suggest you don't for a few reasons:

 

1). As I said, you're at the upper age limit of what's generally considered acceptable. Supposedly the "rule" is that you can date women who are half your age, plus 7 years. So at 29 that leaves you with the 21-22 year olds. However, you have extenuating circumstances:

 

2). You're still in school, so you have competition. You're competing with guys who are much more age appropriate for the 21 year old girls who also have their lives more on track. If a woman is ok with dating a college guy, she can much more easily date an age appropriate one because he's at the same stage in life and still young with his best years ahead. If she wanted to date an older guy, she could date one 25-30 who's already out of college and established with a job, apartment, etc.

 

So you see the problem? In a woman's eyes, you're either not established enough to justify the age difference, and you're too old to justify you being at a similar point in your life.

 

3). The optics of it are bad. Unless you handle it with the utmost care, I think you're going to run into some big problems trying to date college girls while being a 29 year old college student yourself. People 18-21 are still learning things, they can still be very naive, ignorant, and cruel. There is a very clear cultural division between 18-21 year olds who live on campus and noticeably older students who commute. People just might not give you benefit of the doubt. When I was in school if we saw a ~20 year old girl with a ~30 year old guy, we'd assume things about the guy that weren't very nice at all, because as I said, people won't give you the benefit of the doubt, they'll just assume the worst, like the guy can't get any women his own age because he's a loser, pedophile, manipulative, stupid, etc. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but it should be enough of a deterrent to make you think two or three times about it.

 

4). There's a gigantic difference between a 21 year old and a 25+ year old. When I was 25-27, I dated a few girls who were ~22-24. It's not that fun. They often lack life experience and frames of reference to the point where you'll want to tear your hair out. I remember when I was 25 or 26, I dated a girl who was 21 and couldn't fathom the fact that I had my own bathroom, let alone my own apartment (granted this is NYC where that's less common). She was really cute but her constant wide-eyed bewilderment got too much to stand eventually.

 

I'm sure there are some older undergraduate (or even graduate) women around, they'd probably be happy to meet some guys their own age. You'd probably have decent luck with women in the 24-27 range who didn't have typically white collar jobs who could appreciate that you were in school even if you were older. I don't mean to generalize, but that's what I'd do if I were you.

[bradt93]

Well, she didn't write back, no harm no foul. I didn't have a picture on my twitter or my last name.