First fight since marriage therapy ... biggest fight ever

[Foxy Knoxy]

Please help me see if I'm being ridiculous, or not. It's crazy how one phone call can stir up a peaceful evening.

 

My first post on here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/652554-marriage-ruined-my-relationship. Summary: our biggest issues before today were stress hurting our intimacy, and household duties. We've been making progress. Been married since December 2016, together over 6 years, no kids.

 

Today is our 9-year-old nephew's (on my husband's side) birthday party. Last night we were told, at the last minute, that my BIL and SIL need money ASAP to help set up some sort of slide for their pool. The ... contractor? company? ... will be there in the morning and they did not have the $250 to pay for it.

 

It wasn't late by any means when we learned this. It was around 8 PM. When I say "last minute", I mean, the night before the party, when my husband and I are settling in after both working all day, no intentions of going anywhere.

 

The actual money was not a surprise or problem at all - a few weeks ago we had agreed to help out with the slide. We knew the amount. What we understood before yesterday was my in-laws would pay the fee and we would reimburse them with cash when we show up for the actual party.

 

Last night we learned - through my MIL, who lives with us and explained the situation from a string of text messages between her and my SIL - that the only way it could be paid for is with cash, and they simply did not have it to give the worker come morning. They asked if we could run the money over to their home.

 

My husband said yes but was incredibly annoyed.

 

I was adamant he didn't have to do it. They were responsible for making sure they could pay for the slide up front. Why do we have to drop everything and go to them? They can come here and pick up the money. If the situation were reversed, we would not ask or expect our in-laws to come to us, we would drive to them to pick up what we needed.

 

They live about 15 minutes away, one way. Obviously a half hour taken from our evening is not a big deal. The problem is the expectation that we jump. I announced I wouldn't go and watched as my husband caved very quickly.

 

As he was putting on his shoes and bitching about how annoyed he was, I asked him to give me five minutes in private before he runs out the door. I wanted to make a case for why there is nothing wrong with asking them to come pick up the money. I wanted to have a door closed so his mother - who was not helping the situation - would not be involved in the discussion. She was certainly not willing to take the money over there. She put the pressure on us.

 

He waved me off and said, "I don't want your stress on top of my mine right now."

 

He left, but not before we had a shouting match in front of his mom. Great.

 

I sat there thinking I was lower than scum on the bottom of his shoe. I literally didn't matter in that moment.

 

If he gave me the five minutes I asked for to make a case and then decided he would still do it, I would have no choice but to back off and let it go. The fact that he couldn't award me that ... hurts.

 

When he came back we fought for hours, then gradually calmed down and made up. His whole point was he just wanted to get it over with and he knew if we talked about it more he'd stress more. He said I should know how easily his stress compounds and I should not have pushed it.

 

My whole point was he didn't have to be stressed.

 

"Sure, SIL, we're happy to give you the money tonight. Just swing over here and we'll run it out to your car if you can't stay for long."

 

Is it unreasonable to want my husband to consider my feelings and point? Is it unreasonable to want him to set boundaries with family?

Edited March 11, 2018 by Foxy Knoxy

[anna121]

Please help me see if I'm being ridiculous, or not. It's crazy how one phone call can stir up a peaceful evening.

 

My first post on here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/652554-marriage-ruined-my-relationship. Summary: our biggest issues before today were stress hurting our intimacy, and household duties. We've been making progress. Been married since December 2016, together over 6 years, no kids.

 

Today is our 9-year-old nephew's (on my husband's side) birthday party. Last night we were told, at the last minute, that my BIL and SIL need money ASAP to help set up some sort of slide for their pool. The ... contractor? company? ... will be there in the morning and they did not have the $250 to pay for it.

 

It wasn't late by any means when we learned this. It was around 8 PM. When I say "last minute", I mean, the night before the party, when my husband and I are settling in after both working all day, no intentions of going anywhere.

 

The actual money was not a surprise or problem at all - a few weeks ago we had agreed to help out with the slide. We knew the amount. What we understood before yesterday was my in-laws would pay the fee and we would reimburse them with cash when we show up for the actual party.

 

Last night we learned - through my MIL, who lives with us and explained the situation from a string of text messages between her and my SIL - that the only way it could be paid for is with cash, and they simply did not have it to give the worker come morning. They asked if one of us could run the money over to their home.

 

My husband said yes but was incredibly annoyed.

 

I was adamant he didn't have to do it. They were responsible for making sure they could pay for the slide up front. Why do we have to drop everything and go to them? They can come here and pick up the money. If the situation were reversed, we would not ask or expect our in-laws to come to us, we would drive to them to pick up what we needed.

 

They live about 15 minutes away, one way. Obviously a half hour taken from our evening is not a big deal. The problem is the expectation that we jump. I announced I wouldn't go and watched as my husband caved very quickly.

 

As he was putting on his shoes and bitching about how annoyed he was, I asked him to give me five minutes in private before he runs out the door. I wanted to make a case for why there is nothing wrong with asking them to come pick up the money. I wanted to have a door closed so his mother - who was not helping the situation at all - would not be involved in the discussion.

 

He waved me off and said, "I don't want your stress on top of my mine right now."

 

He left, but not before we had a shouting match in front of his mom. Great.

 

I sat there thinking I was lower than scum on the bottom of his shoe. I literally didn't matter in that moment.

 

If he gave me the five minutes I asked for to make a case and then decided he would still do it, I would have no choice but to back off and let it go. The fact that he couldn't award me that ... hurts.

 

When he came back we fought for hours, then gradually calmed down and made up. His whole point was he just wanted to get it over with and he knew if we talked about it more he'd stress more. He said I should know how easily his stress compounds and I should not have pushed it.

 

My whole point was he didn't have to be stressed.

 

"Sure, SIL, we're happy to give you the money tonight. Just swing over here and we'll run it out to your car if you can't stay to visit."

 

Is it unreasonable to want my husband to consider my feelings and point? Is it unreasonable to want him to set boundaries with family?

 

It is not unreasonable, but it was probably impractical at that moment. You had already agreed to pay the money, so this was about logistics. Your H was already annoyed and wanted to get it over with. Your demand for 5 minutes may seem small, but I can understand that, to him, it would be needlessly escalating. If you were truly ok about his decision to go, then I don't understand the urgency of having him "hear you out". Giving you a hearing makes sense if you want him to change his mind, and were actually not that ok with his decision. Some would say that if you weren't ok with that decision, he should not have gone, but I think that's really rigid. For me, the dividing line is: am *I* being asked to do something I don't want to do? I don't feel it my place to insist that my H refrain from doing something (like driving 30 minutes) b/c *I* think it is an unreasonable request being put on him by someone else. He's not a child. He can make his own decisions.

 

The fact that your MIL lives with you no doubt complicated the situation, especially she was involved in this too.

 

I think you should focus on the bigger picture - why does such a trivial incident lead to a "shouting match"? - and leave this specific incident aside.

[Art_Critic]

Is it unreasonable to want my husband to consider my feelings and point? Is it unreasonable to want him to set boundaries with family?

 

No, it is not and honestly should be expected BUT....

 

In this situation it seems though you were trying to make the problem worse, he had already decided and was going to drop off the money, why the need to talk about it further and make more out of it than was already done ?

 

The boundaries issue is a bigger problem IMO, if they couldn't afford a slide then the child shouldn't have gotten a slide unless it was offered by you guys or the Grandmother, offered not the other way around.

 

If they hadn't had you guys to pay for it then what would have happened ? exactly..

[Foxy Knoxy]

It is not unreasonable, but it was probably impractical at that moment. You had already agreed to pay the money, so this was about logistics. Your H was already annoyed and wanted to get it over with. Your demand for 5 minutes may seem small, but I can understand that, to him, it would be needlessly escalating. If you were truly ok about his decision to go, then I don't understand the urgency of having him "hear you out". Giving you a hearing makes sense if you want him to change his mind, and were actually not that ok with his decision. Some would say that if you weren't ok with that decision, he should not have gone, but I think that's really rigid. For me, the dividing line is: am *I* being asked to do something I don't want to do? I don't feel it my place to insist that my H refrain from doing something (like driving 30 minutes) b/c *I* think it is an unreasonable request being put on him by someone else. He's not a child. He can make his own decisions.

 

The fact that your MIL lives with you no doubt complicated the situation, especially she was involved in this too.

 

I think you should focus on the bigger picture - why does such a trivial incident lead to a "shouting match"? - and leave this specific incident aside.

 

Thank you, and I hear you. I definitely made it clear I wasn't okay with him dropping everything for this. I wanted a chance to talk about it and help him see a good alternative that works for everyone.

 

I know at the end of the day I can't make him do or not do something. But, as his wife, shouldn't my stance count and not be brushed off?

 

He agrees with me that they should have come here to pick up the money, he just has a hard time saying no to family, especially when his mom is involved.

 

The fact that it turned into an hours-long fight ... even though we made up, like other fights we've had, it takes time for me to fully recover and not be depressed over it.

 

Guess we have more work to do on our relationship than we realized.

[Foxy Knoxy]

In this situation it seems though you were trying to make the problem worse, he had already decided and was going to drop off the money, why the need to talk about it further and make more out of it than was already done ?

 

I wasn't trying to make it worse, but I understand that I did make it worse.

 

I was honestly trying to help him. There was a compromise where everyone wins. His SIL picks up the cash and they get the slide, nephew gets something cool for his pool party, and we don't have to be inconvenienced/stressed over something that, frankly, was not our mistake (in-laws not able to hold up their end of the deal)

[Art_Critic]

But there was no need for a compromise.. just because you didn't like the way he delivered the money doesn't mean that what he did was wrong.

 

You have to learn to pick the battles in marriage you want to fight for and this wasn't a battle worth fighting over, the compromise was that you just let him deal with it...

 

It's such a small item in the scheme of things to argue about, what is next ? the flavor of Jelly to buy at the supermarket ?

[Foxy Knoxy]

But there was no need for a compromise.. just because you didn't like the way he delivered the money doesn't mean that what he did was wrong.

 

You have to learn to pick the battles in marriage you want to fight for and this wasn't a battle worth fighting over, the compromise was that you just let him deal with it...

 

It's such a small item in the scheme of things to argue about, what is next ? the flavor of Jelly to buy at the supermarket ?

 

True, I see your point, and this is what I'll have to come to terms with, being better at picking battles.

 

I don't agree that setting boundaries with family is a small issue, but is it worth fighting over ... No. He agrees with me that he should put his foot down with family. That's why it frustrates me so much when he doesn't do it.

 

I could have handled it better, I see that now.

[BaileyB]

Your desire to have him listen to you and consider your feelings was not unreasonable, but...

 

He had already made his decision. It is his family. He had already committed the money. I'm sure that he was unhappy and stressed by the situation. He just wanted to get it done and you picking a fight in that moment added to his stress - no doubt.

 

Should he have told them to come pick up the money - sure. Should he pick his battles more wisely - sure.

 

Should you have picked your battles more wisely - yes. It was his decision to make and once made, you probably should have backed down. Just because you disagreed with his decision, does not mean that he should have to negotiate with you. You made a fight about a "topic" a fight about and "issue" in your marriage - his willingness to listen and respect your feelings. That's not really fair. I would have made myself some tea, turned on my favorite show, and waited for him to return... not worth fighting about, in my humble opinion.

Edited March 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I don't agree that setting boundaries with family is a small issue, but is it worth fighting over ... No. He agrees with me that he should put his foot down with family.

 

Setting boundaries with family is an issue worth discussing when you are both calm and not dealing with a family conflict. Trying to have this discussion when you are in the height of a situation is not the best time - you won't be very successful.

[beatcuff]

...My husband said yes but was incredibly annoyed...I was adamant he didn't have to do it...He waved me off and said, "I don't want your stress on top of my mine right now."

 

Is it unreasonable to want my husband to consider my feelings and point?

Foxy, everything in this situation was agreed to by both of you except for the timing of the payment (and even then they only bumped it up 20 odd hours).

 

should your husband consider your feelings... HE DID. right there in bold. you understand CONSIDER does not mean AGREE. you did not consider HIS. why?

 

it seems the lessons of MC were forgotten by you: you made your position clear (good/fine/acceptable) and even thou you knew he was annoyed (time to back off and handle it later) YOU escalated it (bad).

 

you should apologize for escalating it. then say you were frustrated because you are such a 'great guy' sometimes you wonder if some people take advantage of your kindness. now he understands WHY you were upset and that you were actually looking out for him (you are standing next to him not pushing against him) --- win, win.

[georgia girl]

Foxy,

 

I have to agree with the other posters. You needlessly escalated this and I am not sure by you picked this battle to fight. You weren’t leaving the house, you didn’t have to go anywhere and you were not personally inconvenienced. If you hadn’t picked this battle, your husband would have gone and been irritated at both his mother and sister for being pushy and/or inconsiderate. Instead, because you did not consider your timing and that you were making a bad situation (for him) even worse, now you are the bad guy.

 

I think you need to ratchet down the pressure on your husband. He’s just a good guy trying to do the right thing for everybody - not inconvenience you and take care of his family. He is not always going to do everything exactly the way you want. Give him some space to still make his own decisions.

 

Gg

[anika99]

I don't understand why you picked that moment to make your point. If you have a problem with how he handles his family then you could have picked a better time to discuss it. He had already agreed to take them the money, he was already annoyed and then you decided to pile on.

 

I don't think it sounds like such a big deal anyways. If my brother needed me to bring him something I would do it with barely a thought. Maybe, since your in-laws have small kids, it was a lot more inconvenient for them to come to you then it was for your husband to go to them. I'm not sure your issue is so much about how his family treats him. I think you see this as a battle you want to "win". You wanted him to pick your side over theirs and you were personally offended that he didn't. This fight was ego driven.

[georgia girl]

I don't understand why you picked that moment to make your point. If you have a problem with how he handles his family then you could have picked a better time to discuss it. He had already agreed to take them the money, he was already annoyed and then you decided to pile on.

 

I don't think it sounds like such a big deal anyways. If my brother needed me to bring him something I would do it with barely a thought. Maybe, since your in-laws have small kids, it was a lot more inconvenient for them to come to you then it was for your husband to go to them. I'm not sure your issue is so much about how his family treats him. I think you see this as a battle you want to "win". You wanted him to pick your side over theirs and you were personally offended that he didn't. This fight was ego driven.

 

I have to agree. When newly married, you can sometimes unconsciously be attempting to establish legitimacy or primacy. It’s yours. You have it. You are officially next of kin. Now, make space for others in your life. As you age and your marriage seasons, the relationships you build now with family and friends will either help to nurture your marriage or compromise your marriage. By making room, you give all of you an opportunity to build happy and healthy relationships.

[Els]

You need to learn to pick your battles. The incident in and of itself was a tiny one and should just have been left to slide no matter how much you disagreed with it (and I share your disagreement, FWIW). Given that the incident was apparently a symptom of a larger issue (boundaries with in-laws), it is a legitimate concern but you should have waited for a better time (when both of you have privacy and spare time) to bring it up.

[BluEyeL]

Agree with others . This is on you. You should learn to respect your husband more. You made it about you and what you want and how he should listen to you. It’s his family, he can do whatever he wants with then as long as nobody’s life and health is in danger.

 

If you get on his case for stuff like this all the time, it’s not going to be a pleasant marriage. Read the book “Love and Respect”, to learn how to treat a man.

[Mr. Lucky]

I definitely made it clear I wasn't okay with him dropping everything for this. I wanted a chance to talk about it and help him see a good alternative that works for everyone.

 

FK, take a step back and read what you've written here.

 

You're not OK with it, he needs your permission to do something for his family?

 

Whether or not it was your intent, it sounds very controlling and dismissive of his own judgement and abilities. Based on his reaction, I'd assume he took it the same way...

 

Mr. Lucky