Told our kids we're separating and I'm heartbroken

[Peterbilt]

Alright guys, I made a previous post before about my wife wanting to leave. Now it's getting down to the wire. She found an apartment, she's leaving next Friday. She made the decision to tell our 3 kids today about her leaving. They're 4,6 and 8 years old. We told them all separately. Literally all of them cried their eyes out, begged us to stay together and I wanted to just cry with them so bad. This whole thing was my wife's decision because she told me she's "checked out of the marriage and wants to live life". She claims she'll see them everyday but the way she's been acting (e.g gone on her off days, doesn't come home till 1-2am etc) tells me she really just lost interest in me and the kids. What do I do? I'm just literally scared of what's to happen in the future. She was happy to hand over the kids in exchange I won't take any child support from her. ??? This breaks my heart. Thanks for lending an ear.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Alright guys, I made a previous post before about my wife wanting to leave. Now it's getting down to the wire. She found an apartment, she's leaving next Friday. She made the decision to tell our 3 kids today about her leaving. They're 4,6 and 8 years old. We told them all separately. Literally all of them cried their eyes out, begged us to stay together and I wanted to just cry with them so bad. This whole thing was my wife's decision because she told me she's "checked out of the marriage and wants to live life". She claims she'll see them everyday but the way she's been acting (e.g gone on her off days, doesn't come home till 1-2am etc) tells me she really just lost interest in me and the kids. What do I do? I'm just literally scared of what's to happen in the future. She was happy to hand over the kids in exchange I won't take any child support from her. ??? This breaks my heart. Thanks for lending an ear.

 

Oh wow, I'm SO sorry! One of the worries days/memories of my entire life is when I had to tell the kids (alone, because my exH was a coward) that we were separating, so I totally get how you're feeling!

 

My first piece of advice at this point is.....do NOT stick to your agreement about child support!!!! If you're going to have the kids full time, don't give in to that.

 

Second....get a good attorney!

 

Third....your wife already has a boyfriend .

[Mrin]

Fellow single father here. I remember The Day vividly. Worst day of my life having to tell my then 7 and 9 year old daughters that we were separating. I so wanted to hit the "rewind 30 seconds" button on reality that day. I remember their looks of terror like it was yesterday. It was awful man. The absolutely worst. So consider yourself man-hugged by me.

 

I know exactly where you are emotionally. And it sucked. You feel like you failed them. Ruined their lives. If only you coulda... or she woulda... things would be all Mayberry again. I know exactly where you are because I was there too.

 

So... want to know how it can turn out???

 

It was the best thing that even happened to me. My girls tell me the same thing too. Also, my marriage wasn't some awful thing. We didn't fight. We didn't have conflict. We just didn't love each other anymore - at least not as spouses. So you have to understand that when my daughters tell me that life is so much better now, it wasn't that they were coming from a bad place. Not at all. In fact is was pretty idyllic. But today, categorically, they prefer what we have now and wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

You're at a crossroads, man. I don't know what path is right for you but this is the path that I followed:

 

1. On that fateful day I vowed to myself to be the best damn father I could be.

 

2. I reinvented my relationship with my daughters. I asked them to be a part of making our new life together.

 

3. They helped pick out our new house. They helped make it a home.

 

4. I fostered a relationship of openness and communication. They can (and do) tell me everything.

 

5. I let them know they came first in my life and always would.

 

6. I gave them a voice in helping me become a better dad. And in turn, they accepted my voice as to how to be a daughter.

 

7. We redefined our family. We are so close. So very close. I have a relationship now with both that I would _not_ have had if I had stayed together with my XW.

 

8. I get to be their dad. And their mom. And everything in between. Sweet Jesus it is great.

 

9. They barely remember now what is was like when mom and dad were together. This new life, isn't new anymore. It is the normal. We all worked to make it great. Also, kids are incredibly adept with handling change. If you don't make it a bad thing or a big thing, they won't either. My girls adjusted to their new life in a matter of months. But know this - they'll look to you to set the pace. If they see you all morose they'll be all morose. That doesn't mean you can't struggle to do everything. That's okay if they see you do it, in fact, you almost want them to see it.

 

10. They're now 12 and 14 (birthdays coming up soon!) and are World Beaters. They possess a level of maturity and confidence that I couldn't even glimpse when I was their age.

 

I am sorry to hear about your loss. But man, you can wallow in it. Wish it weren't so. But it is so. And you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. So, instead of feeling like a failure or heartbroken, instead realize what an amazing opportunity you have to reinvent yourself as a dad. Hell ya! Seize the opportunity. Dedicate yourself to making a life for your children that is so much greater and fulfilling that they can't even recall what would have been like if Mom and Dad stayed together.

 

Congratulations man! It is all right there for you. You just need to do it. And make it.

 

Addendum: child support in most states in the US is mandatory and equation driven. Don't give it up. You actually can't. See an attorney now.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

Edited March 12, 2018 by Mrin

[Peterbilt]

Oh wow, I'm SO sorry! One of the worries days/memories of my entire life is when I had to tell the kids (alone, because my exH was a coward) that we were separating, so I totally get how you're feeling!

 

My first piece of advice at this point is.....do NOT stick to your agreement about child support!!!! If you're going to have the kids full time, don't give in to that.

 

Second....get a good attorney!

 

Third....your wife already has a boyfriend .

 

Thank you... well I'm sticking to the no child support. She can't even afford herself let alone these kids. I do quite well financially so I am nowhere near concerned with this. I do have an attorney. But she is not fighting- leaving me the house, kids, EVERYTHING. She just wants out basically. Only thing she asked for was $4,000 to get her an apartment which I gave her otherwise it would mean she's staying longer in the house. And I honestly don't think she's seeing someone. About 2 years ago she had an affair and the way she was acting then compared to now is night and day. She is literally SO full of herself cause she lost weight and she looks good now. But I wouldn't put it past her if ahe was seeing someone. Either way, it is what it is.

[BluEyeL]

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your kids So very sad.

 

I had a similar experience as mrin. Except ours wasn’t a great marriage, and it was especially bad for our son, who got more abuse than me. My ex husband left us in 2008, when our son was 6. It was sad then but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to us . My son had a wonderful childhood. He is now 16 and very well adjusted. We are very close and he says the divorce was the beat thing and his life wouldn’t have been as great otherwise.

 

But I did give up child support and the judge approved it . I think it’s because at the time I was making 100K and he was making about 40K but he was living overseas. In a few years once he got a job here he stated paying 500/month based on mutual agreement. He pays that now too and helps with Christmas/bday gifts and summer vacations for him. When he lost his job he stopped paying but otherwise he was good about paying his non court mandated child support.

 

Also I have a wonderful new husband now , whom my son considers his dad. So all can turn out well. Your attitude and if you can keep it low conflict counts a lot.

[Peterbilt]

Fellow single father here. I remember The Day vividly. Worst day of my life having to tell my then 7 and 9 year old daughters that we were separating. I so wanted to hit the "rewind 30 seconds" button on reality that day. I remember their looks of terror like it was yesterday. It was awful man. The absolutely worst. So consider yourself man-hugged by me.

 

I know exactly where you are emotionally. And it sucked. You feel like you failed them. Ruined their lives. If only you coulda... or she woulda... things would be all Mayberry again. I know exactly where you are because I was there too.

 

So... want to know how it can turn out???

 

It was the best thing that even happened to me. My girls tell me the same thing too. Also, my marriage wasn't some awful thing. We didn't fight. We didn't have conflict. We just didn't love each other anymore - at least not as spouses. So you have to understand that when my daughters tell me that life is so much better now, it wasn't that they were coming from a bad place. Not at all. In fact is was pretty idyllic. But today, categorically, they prefer what we have now and wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

You're at a crossroads, man. I don't know what path is right for you but this is the path that I followed:

 

1. On that fateful day I vowed to myself to be the best damn father I could be.

 

2. I reinvented my relationship with my daughters. I asked them to be a part of making our new life together.

 

3. They helped pick out our new house. They helped make it a home.

 

4. I fostered a relationship of openness and communication. They can (and do) tell me everything.

 

5. I let them know they came first in my life and always would.

 

6. I gave them a voice in helping me become a better dad. And in turn, they accepted my voice as to how to be a daughter.

 

7. We redefined our family. We are so close. So very close. I have a relationship now with both that I would _not_ have had if I had stayed together with my XW.

 

8. I get to be their dad. And their mom. And everything in between. Sweet Jesus it is great.

 

9. They barely remember now what is was like when mom and dad were together. This new life, isn't new anymore. It is the normal. We all worked to make it great. Also, kids are incredibly adept with handling change. If you don't make it a bad thing or a big thing, they won't either. My girls adjusted to their new life in a matter of months. But know this - they'll look to you to set the pace. If they see you all morose they'll be all morose. That doesn't mean you can't struggle to do everything. That's okay if they see you do it, in fact, you almost want them to see it.

 

10. They're now 12 and 14 (birthdays coming up soon!) and are World Beaters. They possess a level of maturity and confidence that I couldn't even glimpse when I was their age.

 

I am sorry to hear about your loss. But man, you can wallow in it. Wish it weren't so. But it is so. And you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. So, instead of feeling like a failure or heartbroken, instead realize what an amazing opportunity you have to reinvent yourself as a dad. Hell ya! Seize the opportunity. Dedicate yourself to making a life for your children that is so much greater and fulfilling that they can't even recall what would have been like if Mom and Dad stayed together.

 

Congratulations man! It is all right there for you. You just need to do it. And make it.

 

Addendum: child support in most states in the US is mandatory and equation driven. Don't give it up. You actually can't. See an attorney now.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Wow,just wow your words mean a lot to me man. I needed that thank you. As far as child support goes, she doesn't really make squat for money. I don't want her money, I told her when she has the kids every other weekend to use her extra money on them.

I'm going to do exactly what you said. As soon as she goes, I'm going to change my ways for the better and try and strive to be the best parent they could ask for. Your right when you said if they see me wallow, they will wallow.... so true!

Right now, I'm going to worry about how the kids are feeling and just take it a step at a time/day by day. Everyday that goes by I get a little stronger. You sound like a really awesome father for your girls and god bless you and them. Thanks for all that info! I'm still trying to take everything you said all in! Inspiring words!

[Mrin]

Wow,just wow your words mean a lot to me man. I needed that thank you. As far as child support goes, she doesn't really make squat for money. I don't want her money, I told her when she has the kids every other weekend to use her extra money on them.

I'm going to do exactly what you said. As soon as she goes, I'm going to change my ways for the better and try and strive to be the best parent they could ask for. Your right when you said if they see me wallow, they will wallow.... so true!

Right now, I'm going to worry about how the kids are feeling and just take it a step at a time/day by day. Everyday that goes by I get a little stronger. You sound like a really awesome father for your girls and god bless you and them. Thanks for all that info! I'm still trying to take everything you said all in! Inspiring words!

 

My pleasure! I am so happy that my words were welcome. I always wonder if how they'll be received. I hear you on child support - same situation as me.

 

Onward! And remember, your children will remember how you handled this and when the going gets tough later in life, they'll always ask "what would Dad do?" What a great opportunity you have to show them! High five yourself brother!

 

Oh, and I know this is the last thing on your mind but... when the time is right, dating and falling in love again can be all sorts of awesome!

 

One last thing: don't forget to take care of yourself. If you don't already have a gym/exercise habit, get one. Watch what you eat and how much you drink. You're their everything now.

 

Mrin

[road]

Where is your post about your WW wanting to move out.

 

Big mistake if you wanted to save your marriage. You

did not make effort to find out if she is in an affair and

bigger mistake giving her $4,000 to move out and set up

her F nest.

 

A day late and a dollar short.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you... well I'm sticking to the no child support. She can't even afford herself let alone these kids. I do quite well financially so I am nowhere near concerned with this. I do have an attorney. But she is not fighting- leaving me the house, kids, EVERYTHING. She just wants out basically. Only thing she asked for was $4,000 to get her an apartment which I gave her otherwise it would mean she's staying longer in the house. And I honestly don't think she's seeing someone. About 2 years ago she had an affair and the way she was acting then compared to now is night and day. She is literally SO full of herself cause she lost weight and she looks good now. But I wouldn't put it past her if ahe was seeing someone. Either way, it is what it is.

 

Ah, ok, I see what you mean about child support. I hope you're going to be granted primary custodian. Your wife sounds very selfish . I wonder how she's going to feel twenty years from now when her relationship with her kids is permanently damaged .

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine...

 

Just love your kids. Talk to them, hug them, cry with them, go out and have fun with them, hug them, and love them some more... You can't change your wife or influence whether she chooses to have a relationship with her kids, she will own the consequences of her decisions. You can most certainly be the best father that you can be and your children will love you forever for that!

 

Best wishes.

[Mind-Chants]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

One my closest friend faced a similar situation. Her mom had an affair and abandoned the family. Her dad made sure the siblings never miss their mom. Today she is a person of international repute in her field. Her dad is a proud man. That's something he earned. And a role model for many. Every time I see him, I feel inspired.

 

What happened to her mom?

 

Her eyes "opened" after a decade. Guess it was just too late to apologize.

[springy]

I'm really sorry for the kids. Not surprising they took it so hard. I can't imagine a mother walking out on her children like that. Heartbreaking.

 

If your wife is so broke she can't afford to move out, what happens when she can't pay the rent or other bills? You know she will be coming back with her hand out for more, correct?

 

Sorry but there is someone else in the picture. I hope you don't continue to support her lifestyle financially - let him fund her.

[40somethingGuy]

Thank you... well I'm sticking to the no child support. She can't even afford herself let alone these kids. I do quite well financially so I am nowhere near concerned with this. I do have an attorney. But she is not fighting- leaving me the house, kids, EVERYTHING. She just wants out basically. Only thing she asked for was $4,000 to get her an apartment which I gave her otherwise it would mean she's staying longer in the house. And I honestly don't think she's seeing someone. About 2 years ago she had an affair and the way she was acting then compared to now is night and day. She is literally SO full of herself cause she lost weight and she looks good now. But I wouldn't put it past her if ahe was seeing someone. Either way, it is what it is.

Women who get in shape and change their appearance for the better is often a very clear indicator of having a new man on the side. She had an affair before and now all of a sudden is checking out even though it will affect the kids? Yup, she is in the fog and is and has been cheating. 100% and it may help you in the divorce. Don't make this easy on her. Make her pay for her selfishness and what she is doing to the kids. But, be glad to be rid of her.

[Peterbilt]

My pleasure! I am so happy that my words were welcome. I always wonder if how they'll be received.

Those words were truly something I needed to pick me up

 

Onward! And remember, your children will remember how you handled this and when the going gets tough later in life, they'll always ask "what would Dad do?" What a great opportunity you have to show them! High five yourself brother!

Yes, I will need them, and they will need me. My ex just decided to tell me she's also moving to a place where these kids cannot stay over even for one night EVER! one thing came to my mind: she doesn't care for these kids! Like what happened to the woman I loved? But she's long gone ?

 

Oh, and I know this is the last thing on your mind but... when the time is right, dating and falling in love again can be all sorts of awesome!

Yeah, I already tried and my mind literally kept comparing every girl I looked at to my wife. Which that itself was a huge signal that I am totally not even ready to try to talk to women now. But I do know exactly what you mean!

last thing: don't forget to take care of yourself. If you don't already have a gym/exercise habit, get one. Watch what you eat and how much you drink. You're their everything now.

 

Mrin

 

Yes, I actually am going to the gym, doing kickboxing, etc just to get all my frustrations out. These kids are all I have and the way she's been acting, she just may walk out of their lives for good and for their sake, I pray she doesn't.

[Peterbilt]

Women who get in shape and change their appearance for the better is often a very clear indicator of having a new man on the side. She had an affair before and now all of a sudden is checking out even though it will affect the kids? Yup, she is in the fog and is and has been cheating. 100% and it may help you in the divorce. Don't make this easy on her. Make her pay for her selfishness and what she is doing to the kids. But, be glad to be rid of her.

That's just it, if I didn't give her money to just walk out, she told me that she would become a squatter and she will refuse to leave!!! No way! I am literally so miserable with her here. And I still love her but the way she talks to me like I'm some scumbag off the streets eats at me. She lost weight, got Lipo and everything and I even took care of her every step of the way during her Lipo. Sad, so sad and she's a sorry excuse for a woman. I never been treated so badly by someone- and I never thought it would be by my own wife.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

My ex just decided to tell me she's also moving to a place where these kids cannot stay over even for one night EVER!

 

Um, what? Seriously, what kind of mother does this? Is she abusing a substance? This makes no sense to me as a mom! How could she?

[Peterbilt]

I'm really sorry for the kids. Not surprising they took it so hard. I can't imagine a mother walking out on her children like that. Heartbreaking.

 

If your wife is so broke she can't afford to move out, what happens when she can't pay the rent or other bills? You know she will be coming back with her hand out for more, correct?

 

Sorry but there is someone else in the picture. I hope you don't continue to support her lifestyle financially - let him fund her.

 

I know there is someone else. She doesn't have to admit it for me to know. And quite frankly, he can have her! I literally gave her everything on a silver spoon and I know for a fact. No other man would do half the **** I've done for her. She's literally the definition of a female narcissist. She had me leashed to her every wish and me if stupidly do anything for her so she wouldn't get mad at me.

[Peterbilt]

Um, what? Seriously, what kind of mother does this? Is she abusing a substance? This makes no sense to me as a mom! How could she?

 

This is the real deal- she told me she wants around 3-5 years apart then we will be getting back together. HE'LL NO! she's trying to make sure I don't have a social life, stay home at all times with the kids just so she knows in the back of her head that she could come back. But she doesn't know, she's not welcome back ever again after what she did to me the last 4 almost 5 years.

[Marc878]

I know there is someone else. She doesn't have to admit it for me to know. And quite frankly, he can have her! I literally gave her everything on a silver spoon and I know for a fact. No other man would do half the **** I've done for her. She's literally the definition of a female narcissist. She had me leashed to her every wish and me if stupidly do anything for her so she wouldn't get mad at me.

 

She's a problem but you need some IC to fix yourself.

 

You give/do too much you get taken advantage of.

 

Better wake up

[Marc878]

This is the real deal- she told me she wants around 3-5 years apart then we will be getting back together. HE'LL NO! she's trying to make sure I don't have a social life, stay home at all times with the kids just so she knows in the back of her head that she could come back. But she doesn't know, she's not welcome back ever again after what she did to me the last 4 almost 5 years.

 

She wants you to remain her plan B after she tries out her other man.

 

Make sure you get full custody and lock your finances down.

 

It sounds like you were very Codependent on her to have lived this for 5 years

[Marc878]

I know there is someone else. She doesn't have to admit it for me to know. And quite frankly, he can have her! I literally gave her everything on a silver spoon and I know for a fact. No other man would do half the **** I've done for her. She's literally the definition of a female narcissist. She had me leashed to her every wish and me if stupidly do anything for her so she wouldn't get mad at me.

 

The only one who could make you do anything is you.

 

Better fix that going forward

[Peterbilt]

She wants you to remain her plan B after she tries out her other man.

 

Make sure you get full custody and lock your finances down.

 

It sounds like you were very Codependent on her to have lived this for 5 years

 

Finances are locked already, papers are currently in the making so all she has to do is sign which she says she will. she was my rock, I held on for so long because she literally saved me from a dark depression when we first met and I had a super hard time coming to terms that it is truly over. Now, I'm a lot better then how I was

[Marc878]

Best of luck to you.

 

You know what she's doing and has probably been up to.

 

You deserve better and you'll find that.

 

For your future cut off all contact. Never answer a phone call direst. Let it go to voicemail and reply only if it's kids, D or business. No response for anything else.

 

She's told and shown you who she is and what she's capable of. Don't make the mistake of not believing her.

 

She'll want to do the "friends". This would be for her not you.

 

Definition of friend = honest, trustworthy and loyal. She's not friend material.

 

I know of no good mother that walks out on her children to sew some wild oats.

 

If you're smart you'll move on with your life and never look back at her.

 

If you go online and check your phone bill you'll know who she's leaving for.

[Peacemaker1]

Hi Peterbilt,

Very sorry for this turn of events. The emotional health of your kids is the most important thing right now. The suggestions above about building your relationship with your kids are spot on. Keep it handy to remind you when you hit tough times as your kids grow up. I hope that your situation improves for the better.

[Peterbilt]

Best of luck to you.

 

You know what she's doing and has probably been up to.

 

You deserve better and you'll find that.

 

For your future cut off all contact. Never answer a phone call direst. Let it go to voicemail and reply only if it's kids, D or business. No response for anything else.

 

She's told and shown you who she is and what she's capable of. Don't make the mistake of not believing her.

 

She'll want to do the "friends". This would be for her not you.

 

Definition of friend = honest, trustworthy and loyal. She's not friend material.

 

I know of no good mother that walks out on her children to sew some wild oats.

 

If you're smart you'll move on with your life and never look back at her.

 

If you go online and check your phone bill you'll know who she's leaving for.

 

She told me she wants to do parties for the kids as a "whole" meaning she wants to still be around me to see how I'm doing in life.

I told her already that once she leaves, contact me only for the kids. Nothing more, nothing less. She pulled this stunt literally a year ago where she said she didn't want to be with me and then one day she was begging for me back. And I know at some point she is going to do it again this time. But this time I'm the one who is going to say no. She treats me like a revolving door and it's not fair to me or the kids.

I know about the checking the phone bill which is how I caught the affair she was having 6 months ago. Now, she's not stupid... she uses Facebook messenger and Snapchat to talk to everybody because she's constantly on her phone but she's only sending 50 messages a month?? I'm not that stupid. Nor do I care anymore. I need her out of my life to start a new.