jokerofdeception Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 So we were together two years. Then i was in the hospital for a month in may and she was there with me every day and she lived like 40 minutes from me. She had always had guy friends and liked to go smoke weed with them on occasion, and i was always overbearing and overprotective and would get very pissed off at her for wanting to do so, but she was 100% open and honest with me about all of it and i knew the people she went out with, (we all worked together). anyways i got out of the hospital and she broke it off with me. She changed her reason for breaking up with me every five minutes (or days). She insisted that she still loved me but she didnt want to be in a relationship and she wanted to be single and she didnt know who she was. She would call me and start crying on the phone after we broke up because she didnt know if she was doing the right thing. She said she didnt want this all to be a u-turn and have it all be a waste of time to find that being herself was actually being with me. Then from that statement a couple days later she told me of a conversation she had with an old friend of hers. "so you still with that guy" "no but i really really miss him i just need some time to myself" Now her story is starting to change you see? She is getting kicked out of her house in 4 months and needs to get a second job now to save for furniture with her roommate and stuff and she tells me shes never really been single, that she's only been in long relationships and she wishes that she would have been single a year before meeting me so that none of this would be happening. You see what she's saying? i dont think she knows what she wants. Well i went to see her at work after our initial breakup emotions were calmed down and she wouldnt stop hugging or smelling me and we held hands and she kissed me on the cheek and then suddenly when i was leaving she broke it off and said "this shouldnt be happening im supposed to be figuring things out" and she calls and makes it a point that she doesnt want to see anyone else she honestly wants to be single but now all she does is party and get high and calls me every night to tell me she loves me and tell me how her day went and that she misses me and she brings up the good times we had, but then after she does that she tells me things like "i shouldnt be saying that stuff leading you on, im sorry, i dont want you to think im getting back with you" and i tell her to take her time, and that i understand what she's going thru, etc. And then she goes again telling me sweet things!: Her friend was there with her at work when i went to see her, and she told me "vanessa said that she hasnt seen me this happy in a long time" and things along those lines. Today was her 21st birthday dinner and last night she called at almost 1am and we talked about our day and she retracted her previous offer of wanting me to be at her birthday dinner. She told me it would be too awkward and she just wants it to be her and her friends for her birthday. Am i dealing with her just not knowing what she wants ??? being single/ being with me/ having a heavy load on her that is influencing her decisions? oh btw i have her voicemail passwords/email/etc and there is no sign of another guy. Should i ignore her for awhile and see what happens or just kiss everything goodbye? Its very hard when she calls me telling me she loves me and huggs and kisses me the way she does when i see her. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 One way or the other, you have to put her 'confusing behavior' on ice. Ask her point blank to stop. Then take measures to protect yourself... You can try 'no contact' where you cut off all contact and block all methods of contact - and this will give you time to get your head and heart in order. The only other option would be to go with an 'emotional no contact', where you do not allow her to say or do anything to you that you wouldn't let a male friend do, nor do you act any differently toward her than one of your male friends. You'd basically be in her company, while forcing her into a state of platonic friendship and denying her any and all 'girlfriend' benefits. Neither would be easy for you to do - the first one is painful at first, but gets better with time. Same for the second, but you have to have an IRON will, and be a master of your own emotions to pull off 'emotional no contact'. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Sorta hard to believe there is not another guy out there somewhere. Remember, she probably knows you have all those passwords etc.... Is it possible that while you were in the hospital she just had a lot of opportunity to get out more. "While the cats away , the mouse is gonna play" ya know? And doing drugs with buddies is not a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted August 29, 2005 Author Share Posted August 29, 2005 While i was in the hospital, and when i was out, she was by my side almost the whole time, almost every day. And no, she doesnt know i have those passwords. Yeah its kind of hard to believe that theres not another guy out there but she has honestly been in long relationships and never really been single and i want to believe she is telling the truth, but time will tell. I am at the point of no contact with her almost. I feel so numb right now, its like she blew all my fuses with her indecisiveness and i just want to block it all out and not look into it for at least a couple weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 Man I know how you feel. My ex did the same kinda thing. He was going on tour and I had been kind of jealous but very honest about it. I mean his job was to schmooze at bars at night.. come on thats tough to take. Anyway he left and did some drugs and decided he didnt want to be with me anymore. After 3 years of being together he decides, thousands of miles away, that he doesnt want me anymore. Drugs can screw up everything. And it sucks. He did the same I want you I dont want you. Come be with me, stay away,and we played this game off and on for a year. You may be able to get her back but I say do the NC now . I mean really bc here I am a year later feeling just as much pain, if not more, than I felt the day we broke up. You need to let her figure it out. You being around is her security blanket.Especially if she is having fun and sowing her wild oats. She will keep you at arms length always waiting and then ask you why you arent with anyone else, when she knows it bc you still want her. Things happen and sometimes they hurt you without even knowing it. She seems to be in a very confusing self serving place right now. My ex is there too and there is really nothing you can do to fix it. I am sorry this happened bc if there was a real reason or she didnt want you around it would at least make more sense , but this way there is always that hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted August 30, 2005 Author Share Posted August 30, 2005 It's weird alright! She went from being 100% about me to 100% about her friends and "finding out who she is" and taking time to "figure things out" while she still calls me at night and gives me loads of pillow talk. Tonight i dont answer the phone and NC starts, any other good advice would be appreciated. Its hard to do NC, because i dont want her to lose feelings for me. !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 I guess what you have to do is think about what she feels about you now that you are here at her beck and call. Would you be able to respect someone like that? I mean with me its almost as if I was saying "yes go ahead use me". For my ex there were never any real consequences to his actions. He broke up with me but never had to know what life was like without me. Thats a big deal bc then he knows he can do whatever he wants and I will be around. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. And I dont think its fully done on purpose, its just easy. Right now she isnt thinking about how she feels about you. She doesnt have to. Youre there always and all she has on her mind is her. You are encouraging that behavior by only caring about her as well. You havent even been thinking of you, why should she? She has made her decision to be without you. That hurts like crazy but when she broke up thats what she did. But she won't let go. And in your head that means everything ... but she doesnt know what is going on inside her head. She is mixed up right now. And staying away clears things up a bit. It makes room in her head (or at least yours). Let her feel empty without you, let her realize the void that is there with you gone. Sometimes we can't appreciate something until we lose it. And that sucks but its true. If she does love you then she needs to go through this to be sure. If you can be friends again you need to go through this to get there. If you are both going to make a go at it sometime in the future you both need this space and time to heal and let go of resentment and hostility. Thats all I can say right now bc thats where I am. I hope I can stick to my guns as well. Here I am at 4am wide awake missing him like crazy. In the back of my head thinking the same thing, I dont want him to forget me. But in my heart I know if he really loves me , he won't. good luck man. hang in there. we are worth so much more than this. Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 She dosent know who she is? Thats the biggest load of Horse crap ive ever heard! Sorry to be harsh but I get sick of all these pathetic break up comments. I wish they just said "Im no longer interested in you" Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted August 30, 2005 Author Share Posted August 30, 2005 well she never called, i think all the fun on her birthday weekend could have finally pushed her 100% over me. Yes she gave me alot of harsh answers that were straight up when we were fighting, but days later she changed her mind and told me it was her being selfish and wanting to live for herself and not someone else and figure out who she was, and she cried and told me she didnt know if she was doing the right thing and she still loved me alot bla bla bla blegh! alot of bull****! haha oh well time will tell i guess, operation NC is in effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 well she never called, haha oh well time will tell i guess, operation NC is in effect. Is the NC your idea or hers .. in other words you are only doing NC because she is not calling you. You need to make sure that if she does call you that you don't take her call and continue NC. NC=No contact Not NC until they call.. that is a game and a game you shouldn't be playing. You should be trying to heal and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 +++SHE WROTE ME+++so much has been going through my head and my heart these last months and i think it is unfair to you that you are being led on then pushed away. i dont mean to be this way but i am. i think part of me cant forgive you for pushing me away for so long. i want to love you but my head keeps giving me memories that change my mind. you may have apologized so many times but i just cant get over the fact that i loved you so much and you didnt appreciate it. i dont have the energy any more to love you. im sorry. but i will stay away from you and i hope you do the same. its time for me to let you go and time for you build up that wall and never let me pass through it. we are not at the same place right now and i think that has a lot to do with our relationship difficulties. maybe some day our paths will cross but i doubt it. im sorry for hurting you but dont think you are totally innocent. you hurt me so much in the time we were together and i dont think i will ever get over that. so go out and live it up with your friends. you no longer have to deal with my bitchiness and selfish behaviors. hey maybe jasmine will be single and you guys can try things out because no matter what you say i know you are still attracted to her in some way or else you would have just stopped all communications with her. this song has been on replay every night since we broke up and it really makes sense. One more kiss could be the best thing But one more lie could be the worst And all these thoughts are never resting And you're not something I deserve In my head there's only you now This world falls on me In this world there's real and make believe And this seems real to me [Chorus] You love me but you dont know who I am I'm tore between this life I lead and where I stand And you love me but you dont know who I am So let me go Let me go etcetcetc Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 1, 2005 Author Share Posted September 1, 2005 and NOW SHES TRYING TO TALK TO ME ON AIM AHAHAHAH NC oughtta do her good:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 and NOW SHES TRYING TO TALK TO ME ON AIM AHAHAHAH NC oughtta do her good:rolleyes: NC oughtta do YOU good, NC is for you so you can heal and move on. Block and delete her from your Aim so you can't see her while she is online Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 1, 2005 Author Share Posted September 1, 2005 and NOW she calls me and leaves me a message "i dont know why i called, i just wanted to hear your voice i guess" sorry for calling Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted September 2, 2005 Share Posted September 2, 2005 She has feelings for you...and wants to make sure that you haven't moved on yet... but as long as she doesn't want a relationship from you, you should not allow her to speak to you like this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 2, 2005 Author Share Posted September 2, 2005 yeah fundamental, that is what i am feeling. She told me i was going to be a hard person to get over. I say i go off the grid and pop up in a month or more if she is still trying to get a fix on me. Now i am at the point where she crushed out my love and i feel we have equally hurt eachother and are both pretty much numb and not knowing what we are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 4, 2005 Author Share Posted September 4, 2005 ughhhh she called again and left another message! "i just needed you to know that i miss you alot, and this isnt easy for me and i just wanted you to know that youre always on my mind, i miss you so much and i love you i just wanted you to know that i dont want you to call back or anything like that i just want you to know that." Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 It's tempting isn't it? To believe that she actually wants you back...especially based on the voice mails. Well, you can either ignore the messages and calls or ask her why she is calling and saying what she is saying if she does not want a relationship with you. She is probably confused and doesn't know what she wants. If that is the case, be very careful because she may want you today and not want you tomorrow, then want you again the day after tomorrow and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 5, 2005 Author Share Posted September 5, 2005 haha she called AGAIN and left another one sorta like " i know youre not talking to me and i totally understand, im gonna be calling so just expect it and hang up or whatever i understand, i just wanted to let you know how im doing i guess, ive been thinking alot about you lately moreso than when we first broke up and all i can think about is how much i miss you, and i dont know why im doing or what im doing or whatever and i need you to know that i care about you so much and dont think thats the reason im being a stupid biatch because i just am and it has nothing to do with that, i probably wont talk to you later but i will get in touch with you , goodnight and i love you" haha man i wonder when the next one is gonna be? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 i wonder when the next one is gonna be? She's pulling out the big guns by saying she loves you. Note that what is behind those big guns are the same old same old: i dont know why im doing or what im doing or whatever and i need you to know that i care about you so much and dont think thats the reason im being a stupid biatch because i just am and it has nothing to do with that Seriously... block those incoming messages on all fronts. She is still feeding you the 'wish-wash' stuff, and she is bound to know on some level the things she is saying are getting to you. She is still not saying what you truly need to hear from her, though - despite her dropping in a hopeful word or two to keep you hanging, so there really is no reason to let her continue saying what you don't need to hear from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 5, 2005 Author Share Posted September 5, 2005 yeah, the more i listen to it the more i want to draw the line. You've all heard it a million times from the "confused" ex. How the hell can they love you and not want to be with you or see you ever? And how is it they dont know what theyre doing? Their lives arent that complicated and they have reasonably intact brain functions, I'd rather be dumped than let down gently, there is less confusion. Yah lucrezia, i know you guys have told me a million times to block it all, but you know how it is, its reassuring to hear she still cares on some level. Link to post Share on other sites
Zoey Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 First, I am so struck by the fact that your response to her voicemails is laughter. That sort of breaks my heart. I hope you don't call her back. I hope you don't lead her on. It's obvious that you don't love her. Breaking up is not a game. Don't play hard to get. Let her go entirely, or call her and have a heart-to-heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jokerofdeception Posted September 5, 2005 Author Share Posted September 5, 2005 it was the insecure laugh l always do..... no harm meant towards her by it. Link to post Share on other sites
dr strangelove Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 Joker.. I really dont know what to say to you. But reading what quote her as saying, It sounds corny her stuff.. but it seems very sincere. Sometimes we all need space. She reminds me of my ex. I didnt hear from her for many months. then she kept calling and showing up on msn I questioned at times what she wanted. I guess near the end I kind of turned it into a game or I took a step then withdrew and now she doesnt talk to me at all. You seem like me, part of you wants to run to her. Thats why im on this forum. Im the little devil on your shoulder, im the angel and the saint of failed romance, the one who says read between the lines. Sometimes you have to see a persons actions not their words... Link to post Share on other sites
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