Years of Struggling...How to let go for good?

[Rig88]

Firstly, I want to advise you that this is incredibly long winded so if you read it all the way to the end I owe you a beer. Secondly, I want to be completely honest by saying that I know I’m a di*k. Im not here to look for sympathy , pity or justifications to make me feel less guilty than I already do.

So…here goes. There was a girl…for the sake of this I’ll call her *Sally. We went to high school together. She was the chubby girl with the larger than life personality who everyone adored. I always harboured a secret crush on her and when I let this slip to one of my friends I got relentlessly teased to the point that I took to making fun of Sally to cover up the fact I had a huge crush on her. True schoolboy childish fashion I know.

A few of the things I said about her unfortunately got back to her (this was never intended) and naturally she was very hurt. Naturally our friendship dwindled and we developed an almost love/hate relationship during the rest of our time at school. A few years after high school , I started to run into Sally again through mutual friends. After a few meetings it was apparent that my feelings for her were still there. I decided to apologise for being such an idiot at high school and make my move.

So we got together and BOY did we hit it off. We had an incredibly deep connection and a certain ‘magic’ that I didn’t think was possible until I started dating her. She understood me on a level that nobody else had and even to this day I believe that she’s my soul mate. We had bundles of shared interests and it felt like every day was an adventure. She gave me my zest for life and I found myself starting to become a better person.

Unfortunately , we were still very young. I had still not grown up at this point and the stresses of life got me down. We started to bicker constantly and our relationship became a rollercoaster of emotions leaving us exhausted. The highs were amazing and the lows were really low. Sally has always battled with her weight and during our time together she’d gained a lot of weight and I began to not find her sexually attractive. Even though I loved her dearly , I began to fantasise about liaisons with other women. One night after a huge argument at a friends birthday party I drunkenly cheated on her and slept with another girl who’d attended the party.

When I confessed to Sally she was broken hearted , as was I. I knew that this was the end of our relationship and even though I tried relentlessly to make it up to her , she said that she no longer trusted me and finally ended it. I was truly devastated. It took me a long time to feel remotely human again. I couldn’t face the thought of another relationship and took to months of ‘bed hopping’ with strangers id met in clubs and bars after work. Its crazy to think that this is what I thought id wanted when I was with Sally. The emptiness and loneliness grew.

I eventually got into another relationship with a girl who ended it with me because I was ‘clearly hung up on my ex.’ Which was true. I tried reaching out to Sally and we met a few times. We sat for hours talking and it felt for a short while that things were getting back on track. I tried to spoil her with gifts and took her nice places but when it came to being intimate she said that id made her feel unattractive and she still didn’t trust me. That’s where it ended for good.

We went our separate ways. There were a few awkward meetings and a few drunken facebook messages exchanged but after 5 years id accepted that it was over and we would never rekindle. After strings of dates and hook ups it became clear to me that id never find what I had with Sally and anything else would just be second best. I discovered that Sally is now engaged to someone else.

A few weeks ago I got invited to a friend’s engagement party. I hadn’t seen Sally for over 2 years at this point and she walked into the party. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her. A male friend said to me ‘You wont believe it when you see her’ and I honestly couldn’t. Shed lost masses of weight and looked like shed had some kind of million dollar Kardashian style make over.

I know that this is exactly what I deserve for being such a spineless d*ick.

Throughout the night I tried to chat to her and she was polite towards me which I know is more than I deserve but she made sure her guard was up. I stupidly sent her an essay of drunken ramblings via facebook (even though were not friends) telling her how amazing she looks. Which I know in hindsight makes me look shallow and a total loser. I know that the door is completely closed now and Im to blame. We’re in our early 30’s and shes engaged to someone else. I know that Ive ridden this fantasy for too long and I need to move on. I just need to find some closure. Does anyone have any advice?

[d0nnivain]

Wow. You get some points in my book for at least being introspective about this & understanding your roll in causing this.

 

The drunken ramblings make you look like a drunk. We've all done stupid things under the influence. I'd actually send her a shorter sweeter note apologizing & wishing her a beautiful life with her FI.

 

Then you have to concentrate on healing yourself. You made some mistakes, like cheating on her. That mistake has consequences; you lost the girl. As the wronged party she gets the happy ending. Do not begrudge her that & find a way to be thankful that you didn't ruin her life.

 

Next you have to forgive yourself & find a way to move forward, vowing never to betray another SO

[Rig88]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I thought about sending her another message but I've decided that I need to move away from the social media temptation. I hate the fact that nowadays there are so many portals to contact someone/see what they're up to.

I decided that if I block her on facebook/Instagram etc it will take away the temptation to constantly look. I know that if I look , after a few drinks I'll be tempted to message her and I'll end up looking desperate and pathetic.

Especially when she ends up marrying this guy, it always looks that extra bit psychotic if I facebook message her out of the blue.

This is so much harder than I thought it would ever be. To think that I was so cocky when we were together and totally took her for granted.

[d0nnivain]

You misunderstand my suggestion that you send her a note. I meant use snail mail.

 

It should say something like

 

Dear [her name]

 

I really appreciate the fact that you were polite to me when we bumped into each other at [where you were]. After what I did, I did not deserve even that small kindness from you. You always were the better person.

 

Your FI is a lucky guy. I wanted to wish you both the best. I'

m

glad you found happiness. You deserve it.

 

I promise this is my last communication. You won't get any more rambling missives from me. I know you have a new life. I hope it's every happiness you have ever dreamed of.

 

Best wishes,

 

Rig88

 

It's about giving you closure & apologizing for both cheating & the annoying drunken ramble.

 

Now block her everywhere & move on.