Have you ever had consensual sex when you did not want a relationship?

[4fin]

My Dad asked me yesterday if I had ever had sex when I did not want to. The answer was a resounding no for myself and him. His experience as well as mine is women frequently have sex when they do not want to. I'm curious if we are outliers for males and if our assumption is true of women. For those who have had sex in a marriage when they did not want to roughly what percentage of the time do you acquiesce and take on for the team?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd guess you're the exception, don't see how a LTR wouldn't have an instance where one party - males included - wasn't in the mood or feeling well yet went along.

 

However, doesn't mean I didn't eventually get some enjoyment from it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

When I said No, sex did not happen. However, in 1 long term relationship my then BF was often able to "talk me into it." On those occasions I would sort of just lay there & let him, without much input from me. He was particularly proud of himself if in the course of what started out with me not really participating, it turned into something good for us both. He was an exceptionally talented lover with a high libido. While that relationship had lots of problems, those problems were not in the bedroom.

 

 

Martial rape is a real thing & should not be countenanced.

[GorillaTheater]

I'd guess you're the exception, don't see how a LTR wouldn't have an instance where one party - males included - wasn't in the mood or feeling well yet went along.

 

However, doesn't mean I didn't eventually get some enjoyment from it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Agreed. There have been times when I've been tired and wanted to go to sleep, but I knew my wife was feeling a little frisky so I obliged. It's not like it's some major sacrifice.

 

 

And the sex was great as always.

[2.50 a gallon]

GT

The same here, and it was the bonding afterglow the cuddling I was after.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, many many times when I was married.

[stillafool]

Yes when you're married you may not feel like it but once I'm in it I like it.

[RecentChange]

Sure, there have been times when I have been really tired, or just not in the mood for some reason.

 

But I go along with it, and soon enough, it feels good enough that I change my mind

 

Or maybe I'll just oblige him with a BJ if I sense he is randy and I know I am not.

 

As for percent of time? Less than 5% I would guess. It's not a usual thing, but after 16 years it's happened.

 

I know sometimes he isn't "in the mood" either but he humors me.

Edited March 13, 2018 by RecentChange

[central]

Of course we sometimes have sex when we're not in the mood. We want to please each other even if it isn't always the ideal time. We wouldn't if we truly had an objection or reason at the time, of course. Even when one of us isn't really in the mood, almost always we get in the mood as things progress.

 

I would add that if you are seldom or never in the mood to have sex with your partner, your relationship has a serious problem - it needs to be fixed, or ended.

[darkmoon]

a duty, not in the mood, no longer in love, just a soulless duty-eff, a grind

[4fin]

When I said No, sex did not happen. However, in 1 long term relationship my then BF was often able to "talk me into it." On those occasions I would sort of just lay there & let him, without much input from me. He was particularly proud of himself if in the course of what started out with me not really participating, it turned into something good for us both. He was an exceptionally talented lover with a high libido. While that relationship had lots of problems, those problems were not in the bedroom.

 

 

Martial rape is a real thing & should not be countenanced.

 

Donivan,

You have an intuitive side that sees through what I post at times. I'll get back to you but as for the males that were tired or not feeling well their spouses initiated or they felt like the desire was there and in the end enjoyed it.

I've been with my wife for 18 years. A little before or after a year she disclosed she was date raped. It obviously still bothered her and had no effect on how I felt about her so I said nothing about it. Over the next few years sex was an every day thing sometimes multiple times a day. When the honeymoon/limerence wore off it was 3 to 4 times a week. Then came kids and that torpedoed us down to once a week.

 

Once the kids were old enough (over 4) and much more independent we were still at once a week so we had a discussion. In that discussion I did something very stupid. I asked "exactly what happened when you were raped?". To say I was unprepared is an understatement. It was 2-3 weeks of maybe 2 house of sleep, went to a doctor who put me on ambien that gave me 4-5 hours of sleep but the side effect of walking around my yard naked (I sleep that way) looking for my dog with no recollection of it ruled that out.

 

The bottom line is we compromised to 3-4 times a week. For that I am extremely grateful. I also went to therapy for almost 3 years. I don't know why my wife's trauma traumatized me to the extent it did. I'm termed a secondary survivor. Therapy did little to diminish my anger at her rapist. I made progress elsewhere but not at my anger. Out of 1000 rapes 5-6 go to jail. It's pathetic.

 

The odds of 2 partners having the same sex drive are so slim the issue is bound to come up. Before having the discussion for a compromise I looked into ways to kill my high libido and found myself looking at medications given to convicted sex offenders. There was no way I was going that route. I'm not abnormal or a rapist. There are many times the 3-4 times a week doesn't work out. So be it.

 

We had a discussion a few nights ago where my wife explained she was attracted to me and desired for me but at the end of the day sex was on the bottom of her list and that I should not take that personally. She asked if she was supposed to skip other things that had to be done. My response was if they are less important than our marriage sex with me may should be moved off of the bottom of the list and how was I not supposed to take it personally.

 

It looks like couples counseling is in our future. She says she has healed from her rape that happened 25 years ago and I have known about for 17 to 18 years but the truth is I didn't know exactly what happened until 3 years ago this April and now that I do it explains a lot of the issues we have in the sex department. When you are raped as a virgin at 13 and in an effort to deny what happened was rape continue the relationship sexual and all it has a profound effect. Staying with a partner who raped you is not uncommon and she did for 4-6 months so her first sexual experiences were with a rapist.

 

It's such a tough spot to be in. I almost loath my high sex drive but it's not something I can just turn off. I have a fantastic wife and we are highly compatible in every way but sexually. For me sex is about pleasing as much as being pleased but she is only comfortable pleasing me and there is 0 communication on how to please her. As she puts it "my pussy does not have an owners manual". To the contrary I can rub her back and she can tell me what feels good and the same for her feet and head. It's a tough spot to be in. Open to suggestions, skewering or whatever.

[GorillaTheater]

No skewering from me, brother. I feel nothing but bad for your wife's rape (hell, she was only a kid) and how that's impacted both your lives. I see where your wife has said that she's healed from it, but I wonder if that's true, and maybe you do too.

 

 

Any chance she's willing to consider counseling, individual or marital?

[4fin]

Gorilla,

For starters thanks. She is willing to do couples counseling. As for her being healed she says she has but I have questions. I have 3 basic ways I can please my wife sexually. Manually, orally and penetration. She can't orgasm from penetration but that is all I am allowed to do. We are both pleasers but I am not allowed to be one. She doesn't like manual or oral and I can't help but think the rape had something to do with it. I may be wrong. What I do know is I come unglued when I hear details so I'm not going there. The confusing part is in the beginning manual stimulation was ok and she had orgasms from it. Once I bought a toy I was regulated to penetration only. It's frustrating to say the least. Appreciate your input.

[Popsicle]

Yes I have. And a few of those times were when I wasn't married. There is such a thing as pity sex or sex just to make someone else happy. Yes it happens. It's not rape to me.

[4fin]

Att: Mods

I botched my title. I meant it to be:

Have you ever had consensual sex when you did not want to in a marriage or relationship.

 

Popsicle,

I don't consider it rape either but when you know the person you love most was raped it can mess with your mind when you want to have sex and they do not. It's just different than when your in a relationship with no sexual abuse. I kept it in for 13-14 years and just dealt with it. No was no but that one night she sensed something was bothering me. I just told her that's fine and I'm not going to be like the son of a bitch that raped her. She assured me I wasn't and the discussion/compromise began.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle,

I don't consider it rape either but when you know the person you love most was raped it can mess with your mind when you want to have sex and they do not. It's just different than when your in a relationship with no sexual abuse. I kept it in for 13-14 years and just dealt with it. No was no but that one night she sensed something was bothering me. I just told her that's fine and I'm not going to be like the son of a bitch that raped her. She assured me I wasn't and the discussion/compromise began.

 

Well I've never been raped so I don't have those problems.

[Mr. Lucky]

Att: Mods

I botched my title. I meant it to be:

Have you ever had consensual sex when you did not want to in a marriage or relationship.

 

Funny thing is, that's exactly how I read it.

 

4fin, you and I have posted before about some of the similarities in our marriages. My wife is the same way, will do anything and everything to me sexually but seems to need to control what's done to her. So she often takes care of me but doesn't always want me to reciprocate even though it seems good for both of us when I do.

 

Strange problem to have...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Yes. I've had it when I didn't want it.

 

In marriage and in a relationship.

 

I used to get woken up for sex by one BF and he wouldn't accept no for an answer. It's easier for me to call it non consensual sex than rape...but the truth is even though I said no....it still happened. He was much stronger than me and wouldn't let up.....jeez.... that's brought back memories from over 25 years ago.

 

I usually get into the mood and have a good time in the end...even when I haven't initially wanted to in marriage.

[camillalev]

In a LTR or marriage there will be times when either party is not really feeling it in the moment but will compromise to make the other person happy. That's totally fine and healthy up to a point. That point doesn't isn't always violence or physically holding someone down, but can be.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

In a LTR or marriage there will be times when either party is not really feeling it in the moment but will compromise to make the other person happy. That's totally fine and healthy up to a point. That point doesn't isn't always violence or physically holding someone down, but can be.

 

Very true. But, it can just as often mean that you do it because the verbal and emotional repercussions if you don't are just as bad.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 4fin, I've read through your thread and although I have nothing meaningful to add to the topic itself I wanted to suggest something out of the ordinary for you and your wife to try to help her with her problem. I know that what I am about to suggest may seem corny or completely ridiculous to you but to quote a well known line from an Ethan Hunt movie 'Desperate times, desperate measures' maybe what's needed in your case.

 

What I want to suggest is that you look up the work of Dr. Brian Weiss who is a clinical psychiatrist and is Chairman Emeritus of Psychiatry at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami. He works in the field of regression therapy as part of his practice and has been able to help people with long standing psychiatric disorders including disorders like PTSD. The kind of psychological injury your wife sustained at the time of her date rape has probably never really been addressed in a therapeutic way leading her to suppress the resultant trauma and locking it away in a mental compartment forever. The only thing is that it does'nt remain locked away but spills out through her subconscious mind to modify her behaviour in present time. It is entirely up to you to try this or not but if you do then it may be beneficial to your wife and your marriage as a whole. You can Google Dr. Weiss to find out more.

 

What I did not add before is that Dr. Weiss practices regression therapy not only to take his patients back to an early time in their lives when something may have occurred to cause a psychological problem but he proceeds with regression to a past life of the patient. This is where you may think it is weird but, in fact, it is not really. If you keep an open mind on most subjects you may find this to be just what the doctor ordered. Warm wishes.

Edited March 14, 2018 by Just a Guy