Biting my mouth or being honest?

[irresolute]

I have this female friend whom I chat every day by whatssap and she had sort of an emotional affair back in August, 9 months ago.

Turns out, she says the guy is a psychopath, because he threatened her with suicide, and she stated to me she’s scared this guy may hurt her because he’s depressive plus he has some other mental disorders.

 

Thing is, we’ve talked hours about what she has to do (block him, not initiating, not provocating him, etc). But she blocks him to then unblock him again one week later. Then again, she comes to me almost crying , she blocks him and again unblocks him. This has been repeating for months.

 

This guy’ son goes to the same school the daughter of my friend goes, so they kind of meet every day at drop of.

 

Today I got tired and said to her she needs to start being honest with her feelings and that she is not acting consequently with what she says. . I said that because she told me she unblock the guy the same day I noticed she changed her profile picture for one of her naked (yes, she put a naked picture of her on the whatssap profile pic the same day she unblocked him).

 

I’m ok if she’s in love, addicted, obsessed whatever with this guy, but I feel she’s wasting my time, lying to me and lying to herself and I’m tired of all this.

 

What to do? I do care for her but she is not being sincere, and tries to cover this feelings for this guy saying he’s a psychopath when at the same time she tries to grab his attention being provocative and seductive. I feel I cannot have her as a friend anymore ugh.

[preraph]

Sounds like she must like the drama, so bow out and stop being part of it. Getting attention and sympathy from you has been part of her payoff for acting stupidly. So start distancing yourself. You can't make her block him. But you can leave it up to him to provide any payoff she gets from this messed up mess and stop participating. Just distance yourself. Make excuses. "Oh, sorry, gotta go." Be vague so you have nothing to explain. Just "I'm busy." Don't reach out. Keep it short when she does and get off the phone when she wants to go into the drama.

[irresolute]

Sounds like she must like the drama, so bow out and stop being part of it. Getting attention and sympathy from you has been part of her payoff for acting stupidly. So start distancing yourself. You can't make her block him. But you can leave it up to him to provide any payoff she gets from this messed up mess and stop participating. Just distance yourself. Make excuses. "Oh, sorry, gotta go." Be vague so you have nothing to explain. Just "I'm busy." Don't reach out. Keep it short when she does and get off the phone when she wants to go into the drama.

 

Exactly. I feel like she used me to try to clean her dirty conscience . She says she’s not guilty if the guys initiates or approxaches to her, but she provoked him and then she laments being the prey of a psychopath.

 

I’m just going to let her be and do whatever she wants but I’m not going to be a part of this madness anymore. Nor I will continue being her confident while she’s emotionally cheating to her husband.

Ugh

[basil67]

I’m just going to let her be and do whatever she wants but I’m not going to be a part of this madness anymore. Nor I will continue being her confident while she’s emotionally cheating to her husband.

 

This is the perfect thing to say to her.

[irresolute]

Basil67, I was just thinking on not saying anything to her, and just stop to reply to her messages. I’m sure tomorrow she’ll initiate conversation about some other thing but I don’t even want to talk to her anymore as I’m not comfortable knowing what she’s doing.

[d0nnivain]

Just get her out of your life. Whether you tell her or ghost is up to you. But for your own sake you need to be done.

[maxi105]

its a difficult one to say without maybe knowing a bit more, can you tell us anymore about what went on to make this guy catch onto her?

 

 

im short of time, but if you can maybe give a little more i'll have a think and read it tomorrow and throw my bit into the pile.

 

 

all I can say is though are you sure (and im sure you probably are) but are you sure she is emotionally cheating, and if so how do you know, ok sorry my time is done. take good care, maxi ill try and post tomorrow.

[Gaeta]

I spent the last 5 years doing exactly that with my female friend. At some point her drama was affecting me so much even my BF told me I had to let it go or let her go. I was so infuriated most days I spoke to her and I carried that with me for the rest of the day.

 

Her friendship was important to me so I picked to let 'it' go. I stopped debating with her. If she unblocked her ex I'd just say *ok*, if she came to me with some type of drama I'd say *you want to be with him I have nothing to say on the matter*. Soon she kept her drama to herself and our friendship continued. Once in a while she'll tell me something awful her bf did I'll just say the same *he's the man you picked for yourself* and I add nothing else and change subject.

[Popsicle]

Meh, I have several friends like this. Depending on the personality type, some will listen when you tell them you don't want to hear about it anymore, and some won't listen. The ones who listen, they may distance themselves from you a little bit since of course all they want to talk about is their man-drama, and that's fine. You need a break anyway. Let them know that you're always there as a friend and to hang out with when they are ready to talk about and do something else. They may take lots of breaks if they are full-time drama-queens. The more even-keeled type of personality will understand your request, be embarrassed about it and stop talking about it. And then you can talk about other stuff.

[Popsicle]

Exactly. I feel like she used me to try to clean her dirty conscience .

 

Yeah my married friend did this to me too. When I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore, she stopped talking to me for 3 or 4 years. Then she came back. I think the affair lasted for 3 or 4 years more and then when it ended she came back. That was okay because I certainly didn't want to hear about it for 3 or 4 more years.

 

Another single friend, is messing around with a married man. She has pulled back once I told her I didn't want to hear about it but not fully pulled back. She talks to me when she is feeling angry and like she wants to leave him (which only lasts for 1 day, but happens often) and then she will disappear and not talk when they make up and things are good between them. Just telling these stories as examples of what to expect.

[irresolute]

The problem here is not my friend having an emotional affair with this guy. The problem is that she comes to me scared this guy may commit suicide or hurt her. She states he’s a bad person, manipulative and evil. I told her to stop communication and to block him.

She stops communication and blocks him but then she unblocks him, provoked him him with her seductive attitude and naked pictures. The guy starts contact again and again she comes to me saying this guy is a psychopath etc.

 

She even told me she was the cause of his depression and suicidal ideation because she made him feel like this.

 

My issue here is that I’m no longer interested in having a friendship with a person who does this kind of things. My life is estable, and I honor honesty and being true to one selves. How can I be friend with someone who betrays her husband and doesn’t acknowledge her actions?

 

Edit to add: plus I think she uses me to clear her conscience. I don’t want to be part of her game.

[Popsicle]

Just ghost her....

[irresolute]

Just ghost her....

 

definitely not contacting her again. She hasn’t messaged me either today, which is unusual. I guess we’ve got to a point in which we both realized this is not working.

Yesterday I told her what I thought, and I provided little empathy for her actions, so I guess she picked the hints.

 

I feel sad, because I trusted her and we talked everyday. Not about this, but about many other things. Feeling like I’ve lost a friend but I don’t want to be in the position of accepting and covering her faults either.

[preraph]

Exactly. I feel like she used me to try to clean her dirty conscience . She says she’s not guilty if the guys initiates or approxaches to her, but she provoked him and then she laments being the prey of a psychopath.

 

I’m just going to let her be and do whatever she wants but I’m not going to be a part of this madness anymore. Nor I will continue being her confident while she’s emotionally cheating to her husband.

Ugh

 

She just likes attention too much. She'll find someone else to get it from after you bow out -- or maybe not having anyone to get attention from on the subject will make her finally ditch the guy.

[maxi105]

hi irresolute,

 

hmmm....i still dont feel like i know anywhere near enough on this say what i feel about this one. maybe there are other posts on this matter from you that ive missed?

 

i read your later posts and you say the emotional affair part isnt the issue, but i cant help feeling it is still part of what bothers you in this morally as well as her attitude when you are trying to help out. im not knocking you for that im just saying i think it does add to part of what has got to you about this situation, because i feel you have certain expectations on what you want and can see happening, hence also feeling bothered that she didnt get in touch when you expected that she would do, but maybe there was a reason behind that if she usually contacts you. who knows.

 

i think there are way too many questions still that we do not know about in this and that are not giving the "full" picture here, but to try to say something positive i liked gaeta's approach in what she did with her friend, they kept the friendship just didnt go down the route of talking about the guy much, but that depends on what you are like as friends.

 

is that possible for you, i kind of feel that you are tired with this one to really want the effort, but i might be wrong its just what comes across from you.

 

however, i must ask what has happened about the feeling of threat she's felt from this man, that isnt something that if i were a friend i would feel easy brushing aside in the way to say just block him, also why did she keep unblocking him? see...more questions.....and it also suggests that you may not know everything that went on privately between them, but again that is no a slieght at you, its just an observation as i dont know the reall and whole facts of this post. its only just one thing being put over and it is quite a complicated situation to have so many bits missing!

 

all anyone can do is to communicate clearly and honestly, after that its up to the people involved to try to work it out, if that cant happen then you have spoken honestly.

 

i would say though, if there is a chance of harm coming to your friend then if you haven't done already, at least get back in touch with her and advise her to speak to the police, that is the least any friend would do for another person - regardless of whether the friendship is to continue or not. someone in danger is someone in danger, and just suggesting she blocks someone may not be enough.

 

 

but like i say, there is so much stuff here that isnt being said in this post, i would really love to hear your friends version of what is happening to get a more fuller picture of it all.

 

either way, good luck, maxi. im sure you will do what you think you need to do.

[d0nnivain]

You did lose a friend. As much as there were good parts to the relationship, they were unfortunately out weighed by the bad stuff.

 

 

I hope this bad guy doesn't hurt her or himself but even if he does, you were never in a position to prevent either from happening. She is choosing to be involved with him. You need to be true to yourself & your values, as you stated.

[irresolute]

Hi maxi thank you for your message and for taking the time to try to understand.

What I see as a problem here is the fact that’s she’s not being honest with me. I understand that affairs are difficult to get out from, and that she may still have feelings for the guy despite all the threatening and suicidio de ideation etc, but why she’s lying to me saying one thing and doing other? It’s uncomprehensible to me. I think she used me to clear her conscience.

[irresolute]

You did lose a friend. As much as there were good parts to the relationship, they were unfortunately out weighed by the bad stuff.

 

 

I hope this bad guy doesn't hurt her or himself but even if he does, you were never in a position to prevent either from happening. She is choosing to be involved with him. You need to be true to yourself & your values, as you stated.

 

Hi donnivan,

 

I’ve lost a friend indeed. She never contacted me again after I asked her to be honest with me and with herself and confront her about her naked picture and the fact it was at the same time she unblocked the guy.

I feel like our friendship had no value at all. I feel used.

And I feel so dissapointed with my friend. Ugh. So sad.

[preraph]

Sometimes people just disappoint us and are not what we hoped they'd be. Good for you for having some standards and boundaries. It will still hurt a little, but not as long as if your boundaries were weak and you let it go on and on and still got disappointed in the end.

 

On to better things!