Ego

[Ta222]

I have discovered recently that not only am I heartbroken of course but a lot of my feelings and difficulties still in getting over my ex boyfriend is my own ego.

 

I have been the dumper and the dumpee before but this is the first time where I have been the dumpee and I actually was in love with the person. In all honesty I didn't think he was using me until after the fact. That is how blind I was. I have to say that I really did think he loved me during that relationship before I discovered his lies.

 

I hate feeling used and led on to that degree and for him to just become distant and do a complete switch and then get into another relationship quickly is a bruise to my ego as I feel rejected, used, and replaced.

 

The other aspect is that he lied about his reasons, cause I mean honestly who lies about moving away at a future date? That is just cruel. On top of that it was him telling me things like this:

 

• "You're only the second person I've ever loved and only person I really care about."
  
• "I shouldn't have said those things but I did mean them."
  
• "I hated hurting you."
  
• "you're beautful, smart, funny and kind. You deserve so much better. I'm selfish."
  
• "you're going to be okay. I want you to find something that makes you happy."
  

 

Things like that make me feel worse because he couldn't even communicate during the relationship anything that bothered him plus his reasoning wasn't just the its not you its me nonsense, it was a ridiculous and insulting lie. I feel like he said those things not to make me feel better but to make himself look less like a jerk. I actually think this is the hardest part for me and what damages my ego the most. It makes me feel inferior, angry, unworthy of his love in which he led to me believe I had. It makes me feel like he thinks he is better than me or has one upped me in a way and got the last word in while I was busy giving him my honest feelings.

 

This was someone I trusted and believed in (too soon). I let him around my family consistently. I still have these dang gifts he gave me and I don't know what to do with them. He went so above and beyond and went and planned my birthday and insisted, took care of me after a long day sometimes to this? I was used physically and emotionally for months. This has left a deep scar for me.

 

Why on top of this do I still miss him? I miss seeing his name on my phone, hearing his voice, and hearing him say he loved me, sleeping next to him. I know I shouldn't because a lot of that from him was a mask just lovebombing me. He is the one who could go from that to blocking me. I guess if he could date me after 4 months of being divorced its to be expected he could move on in weeks from our breakup because he isn't processing anything.

 

I have attached a link to my intial post of my situation for reference. I really needed to vent this as I have recently discovered this is a lot of my issue. How do I get past this? I’m not sure honestly. I feel a bit stuck and angry because it was him who got to end it without any input from me, replaced me quickly and “looks” happy just like we used to be.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/651235-he-did-180-left-why

Edited March 14, 2018 by Ta222

[PRW]

There is a phrase, "Rejection breeds obsession".

 

When you are the one that gets dumped it creates an obsessive response in your mind and emotions. It is natural. But if you were the one doing the rejecting you can walk away easily because you already solidified it in your mind and emotionally accepted it before you performed the actual act of rejection.

 

I'm not a therapist by any stretch but I can tell you from experience that keeping this fact in mind, you can over time "talk yourself out of" the obsessive feelings and force yourself to recognize the feelings for what they are and why you feel them.

 

So when those feelings hit you hard you can stop yourself and say, "This is normal,...this is the natural response when you are the dumpee, and I need to put it to rest".

[stillafool]

Everyone who gets dumped takes a blow to their ego. The way you are feeling is normal. I do think your ex told you those things because he meant them. He does feel you deserve better than him. Most dumpers do want the dumpee to move on and find happiness and that want has to do with healing their guilt for hurting you. You weren't used physically and emotionally during your time together because you enjoyed him physically and emotionally also while you two were together. For whatever reason he just feel out of love. None of what I said has helped your bruised ego but time will heal that.

[Ta222]

Everyone who gets dumped takes a blow to their ego. The way you are feeling is normal. I do think your ex told you those things because he meant them. He does feel you deserve better than him. Most dumpers do want the dumpee to move on and find happiness and that want has to do with healing their guilt for hurting you. You weren't used physically and emotionally during your time together because you enjoyed him physically and emotionally also while you two were together. For whatever reason he just feel out of love. None of what I said has helped your bruised ego but time will heal that.

 

If he cared as much as he said he did why would someone be so cruel as to lie about moving? It’s messed up because I feel blindsided. How can someone’s feelings go away that fast if they did love you. He went from lovebombing me to distant to gone. If he thought I was that great and deserved better wouldn’t he want me? I’m not sure if you read my initial post but we were together a shorter time, 5 months. He told me he wanted me in his life but then just blocked me and erased me from his life completely.

[Zahara]

Why do you feel inferior and unworthy of him -- your value should never be defined by another. If anything, he was unworthy of you. The man had red flags wrapped around him. He did his dance, you fell for him, and he moved on. If anything it speaks of his own shallowness and emotional dysfunction. It has nothing to do with you.

 

You were honest in your emotions with him. You were able to be vulnerable to another. In time, you'll open up again to someone and hopefully your love and affection will be reciprocated. This clown on the other hand will go through the same pattern of jumping in and out. You get to move on and have the choice of having a healthy relationship -- he doesn't. He is no winner.

 

This is a very valuable lesson for you. Trust is earned. Do not give. When the red flags start to pop up, walk away. When they start shooting off the blocks with lavish declarations of love and the future, step back and observe. Love bombing is a red flag. Don't believe everything one tells you off the bat. Lessons to take with you as you move forward.

 

As for the gifts -- pack them and store them away. Out of sight. Once you've healed and moved on, you can revisit and see what you would like to do with them.

 

You still miss him because regardless of his behavior, you developed an emotional attachment to him. And that will take healing to get over and move on.

 

Allow yourself to go through the phases of grief. Everything you feel is normal and you need to be kind to yourself. If anything, it is a blessing that this lasted for only 4 months and that he let you go. The alternative would have possibly been you staying longer than needed in a situation that was ultimately going to hurt you, even more.

[stillafool]

Yes listen to Zahara and if nothing else you can sell the gifts on eBay. Be glad this guy is gone.