rmcpher68 Posted August 29, 2005 Share Posted August 29, 2005 Would like to know the following. If you start up with someone who is already in a relationship (I know this is already taboo). How long should you wait the expect the other person(cheater) to tell the other person? (This has happened to me and I am having some guilt about it) If she/he does not tell the other person what should be my reaction? What if she keeps sending not so subtle hints that she want to continue on even though you have told her you cannot? We have mutual friend so we keep coming across one another. What if I have to face her and her husband and the same time(not yet)? I am a relatively moral person and reacted in what I think would be the clinical way. I told her after about a month that it was over as I could not do this. She seemed to accept this for about two weeks then started sending not so subtle hints that she wanted to carry on (not that she wanted to end her current relationship). I did not bite on this and I tried to put the situation behind me. We had mutual friends and she kept finding ways to corner me ie drive her home. I am not proud of myself for participating even at this level. I still did not give into her. I felt extremely guilty about her current boyfriend whom she owned a house with that she was flaunting it in his face. Eventually the boyfriend proposed to her and she took one last run at me. By this point she was angry and it turned into a blame session as she felt that I had told people about the affair and it had gotten back to her father. This was five years ago and as far as I know now she married this guy, had two children and has not spoken with her father since. I am now starting to talk to the mutual friend again after shutting down that side of my life and I am still carrying guilt over the breakdown with her father. I feel like that I did something wrong ie. Maybe I didn't give her a way out. (I know this is crazy but I still feel guilty about it). This was one of the most painful things I have been through and I resent the fact that I carry this guilt. I cannot escape some of these issues due to the fact that I won't back down on keeping these mutual friends in my life. It is a very strange situation. It is not like a broken down marriage. It is a life with a starting point of lies and deceit that still haunt me today. I would like any comments that might help me shed light on this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 To me, as soon as you do something with another person thats more than platonic, or when you begin to still see someone you have major feelings for even tho u got a bf, its time to dump said BF, if it goes any further its just trashy, thats when girls get called sluts etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 IMO while you were wrong to have any kind of a relationship with this Girl beyond friendship knowing she was in a relationship with someone else, she was equally as wrong (and IMO even more in the wrong) because she made this other Guy promises to be faithful to him and she betrayed him. You didn't make her Boyfriend any promises... again it doesn't make you right in having anything more than a plutonic friendship with her but you see what I'm saying. In regards to her Father... all I can say on that is don't do things you would be ashamed for other people to know about then there is never cause for concern... IF this girl was or is upset that her Father found out about her behaviour then again IMO that is on her, nobody made her do anything. If by chance you must see her and/or her husband I would advise you to say nothing. Say hello and go on your way.... Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 Would like to know the following. I am now starting to talk to the mutual friend again after shutting down that side of my life and I am still carrying guilt over the breakdown with her father. I feel like that I did something wrong ie. Maybe I didn't give her a way out. (I know this is crazy but I still feel guilty about it). As far as that aspect goes, there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. SHE chose to cheat on her boyfriend and have a marriage based on a lie. Her bad relationship with her father is all her fault, not yours. You made a mistake, and you when you realized it, you got yourself out of the situation. Of course it wasn't the most moral thing to get yourself involved as an OM, but there are a lot of people who would have continued without guilt and without regard to her boyfriend's feelings. You did the best you could at the time. Just let it go, learn from it and move on. And as for your mutual friends, it's none of their business. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 the original question seemed to be how would you start a relationship from a cheating one. i may be going out on a limb but seems you are interested in doing so. in which case you just have to go with the flow. you really have no rights at all besides protecting yourself since you violated someone elses... as far as her relationship with her father. your only guilt should stem from (if you were the one that leaked info) you opening your trap. she is responsible for her family life. relationship? don't bother. you guys are already building a foundation on dis-trust. already carry guilt. i smell doom... Link to post Share on other sites
hoppy28 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 i fell into a very similar trap. i was the other guy.........and she was engaged. i to am against this kind of behavior(cheating) i felt very guilty........almost ashamed of my self. that was the first red flag that went up but yet i was somehow blinded by the attraction i had for this woman. she broke it off with him acouple days later.........i dought she told him the truth. a month later she bailed on me as quick as she showed up. she may be back with her ex or she may be with another guy. bottom line is................any relationship that starts with cheating, dishonesty, etc. is probably doomed from the very start. i wanted to beleieve that my situation was differant. it proved to be a disaster. tread lightly buddy...........................if shell do it once shell do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 I'm a bit confused about the time line. This mostly happened 5 years ago, or something like that? anyway ....and I am still carrying guilt over the breakdown with her father. Why? The way I read it the only proof you have about a breakdown with her father is what she has told you. Maybe I'm being severe, but to me if someone is willing to cheat on their partner then they are more than capable of lying to you. She's probably lied to her friends, lied to her father & undoubtedly she's lied to her partner. I just don't see how you can become an adulterer without also becoming a liar in the process. Even if you share mutual friends I think you can find ways to minimise contact. Arrive earlier & leave earlier, invite people along without inviting her, and bringing a date might shut her up. What if she keeps sending not so subtle hints that she want to continue on even though you have told her you cannot? Completely & utterly ignore her or laugh in her face & turn away. Link to post Share on other sites
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