Looks like my ex is finally dating someone

[Nogan]

I’d been dreading this for a while now. It’s been a year since she dumped me and a couple months since we last spent time together. Fits the time table, since I stopped hearing from her.

 

Funny thing is that it doesn’t hurt anywhere near as bad as I thought it would. I think I spent all this time feeling worthless and out of my league and that the next guy would effectively put me to shame, but he just looks kind of... nice, happy, the sort of person I would want for her. Actually, he looks a lot like me, in a similar profile sort of way. She has a type.

 

I stopped hoping we’d get back together a while ago, but she crept back into my mind due to timing and when things with a new girl went south. Whatever pain I felt over her seemed to be more a conduit where everything else missing in my life coalesced into something tangible. It’s an odd position when a person becomes a manifestation of your happiness and validation, because they become sort of a figure or an icon rather than a partner. She did me wrong, but I was never in the position to have given her a good long term relationship in the first place. I think the hardest pill I’ve been swallowing is that it either might have worked if I had been in a better place for it, or maybe I wouldn’t have felt as drawn to her if I was and that her significance in my life is unfounded. Sobering thoughts.

 

I thought I’d speak candidly about my own life for a moment, because the perspective helps me. I spent my formative years mired in horrible anxiety that prevented me from functioning, and the only way to save myself was learning to be open to the thoughts and feelings that terrorized me. It feels weird to acknowledge that I was practically a zombie for half of my life, because I’ve grown so much that the person I was feels like a figment of my imagination.

 

The trouble is filling in the gaps. Education, friends, dating, I’ve only really been a functioning adult for four years. So it’s difficult going through these growing pains when everyone else my age is settling down. This girl had felt like a reward for all my hard work, that I was finally investing in something “real” because I was falling in love with someone who seemed stable and had invested so much energy in me. But she had a habit of running when things got “real”, and I quickly learned that I wasn’t the only person in the world with personal issues when she dropped me like a rock shortly after she’d had me meet her extended family, who practically adopted me as the “boyfriend”.

 

What hurt the most wasn’t the resurgence of the void she had filled, but the fact that there had been one to fill at all. I spent more time being cautious and worrying about whether she was sincere, terrified she’d bolt if she really knew me, that I never told her how important she was to me. I left myself at the mercy of her whims rather than owning my feelings, because I was scared. It was never a relationship so much as it was a dream I did my damnedest to tiptoe through lest I woke up.

 

I hope you’re all doing well

[d0nnivain]

Objectively you hopefully now realize that she wasn't "out of your league." She is dating a guy just like you. Use that fact to boost your own confidence.

 

Take this as a catalyst forward & get back out there.

[PRW]

In Fear Of Losing, I Lost

 

Act Unworthy, Get Rejected

 

Neediness, Insecurity & Scarcity

[canadaman817]

It sounds like you're definitely on the path to growing, and are starting to really learn from your experiences. It can take a long time to move on from a girl who you thought was "the one" and who seemed to complete pieces of you; I found it took me several years. Thankfully, I still found my wife after that, who is much better for me in so many ways and doesn't cause me the anxiety that the former girl did. Hope this moving on can prepare you for the next time you meet someone you want to commit to!