Im making a mess.

[Jessie11]

Well where do I start. My partner of 5 years left me 2 months ago now. We were having problems a couple of months prior but were still in love. He spoke to me November last year saying I was being negative lately and making him not want to be around me and that I wasn’t saving money like I said I would and he was feeling taken advantage of. Well I got upset and felt attacked and instead of taking on board what he said, I got defensive. He said he still wanted to be together and he loved me so much. After that the next few months we were arguing more and it was making me more clingy and making me anxious. Come to January this year and we have a petty argument about something and it blew up.

 

He said he was leaving to stay somewhere else for space and I panicked. He slept on the lounge that night instead of leaving but said he was going for a few days to think.

I was a mess, I begged and told him I love him so much but realised I had to let him go for a few days. Once he comes back I ask what is going to happen and what does he want and he tells me he is done and doesn’t want to invest himself in the realationship anymore. He said he is sick of being angry all the time. I asked if he loved me and he said “I don’t know”. I begged and pleaded for us to try to work through it and he turned cold towards me and was stubborn.

 

We still had to live together for over a month and a half. This was hell and was like going through the break up every day. We had a lot of talks about us and what was wrong and it would always end up with me in tears or we would argue. It was terrible. We slept together twice after the break up but not since. During arguments we had in this time after the break up, he said some really hurtful things. That he didn’t see me in his future but then would change what he said another day and say who knows what will happen and he dosent know but maybe I am the love of his life. He said I was too clingy and when I would cry after the break up he would say I’m not a strong person. But other times he would come and hug me and rub my cheek. He also said that he probably does love me but cannot be around me anymore. I just feel there is so much anger and he says I ruined the realationship by not listening to him a few months ago and I should of sorted myself out.

 

The day he moved when he hugged me goodbye I said I loved him and he said I love you too.

It has now been 2 months since we broke up and 2 weeks since he has moved out. We still talk as he still on the lease plus he will help me move. I have composed myself since he moved as it is easier to think but I am still not good and have cried every day multiple times a day. I also got a final warning at work as I am unable to concentrate and keep making mistakes.

 

I can see totally why he left and something had to give and I probably would of never looked at myself and how my life was going if we were still together. But it still hurts so much. I love him so much. My head is still spinning over all of it as he only just had my name tattooed on his wrist in October last year. He wanted to be me with me for life and he told me this regularly.

 

Since the break up he has called me and initiated contact a few times and just spoken about normal stuff. And since he has moved out I have tried to limit my contact and I have given up begging but I have slipped sometimes and told him how much I miss him and love him. If I call he always calls me back and hasn’t ever ignored me. I know he loves me, but there are to many bad feelings and anger right now.

 

I feel like the more contact we have and the more time goes on he won’t change his mind. I really need to know what to do to get this turned around. I know our love is strong enough for this.

 

Should I do a total 180 from what I have been doing and act indifferent to him? Or keep trying as he is still listening? I feel like the more I try the angrier he will get. I’m so confused on how to make this better. I have been out with friends so much, working, went to see a psychologist for my anxiety (which I think is the main reason we broke up) but nothing makes me feel better. Even while doing fun activities I am dead inside. I keep bursting into tears and I can’t listen to music still.

 

His family have been really good to me as well. I’m very close with his sister and his Mum even said I could move in with her. Which I won’t do as I know it’s not right.

 

I have to have him back, I’m being serious here. I do not want to live without him. He is it for me, the thought of being with someone else makes me feel sick.

I try to be positive and tell myself I can meet someone new but it makes me want to curl up and die. If he was homeless in the gutter, I would still want him. If a guy isn’t him then I do not want them. I have loved him when he has nothing before and nothing changes my feelings towards him.

 

What would be the next step from here? How do I win him back so we can have a chance to turn this around? Am I being stupid to think he will miss me and realise the love we had can’t be replaced?

 

I’m so scared. I don’t want to move on.

[Jessie11]

I am 27 and he is 28 if that matters. We had lived together for 3 years.

[Young mind]

First I must tell you all what you feel is absolutely normal and " beautiful " because you feel it! , you probably must have heard that line before but you will convince yourself your case is different, but is it?

 

Some points I could take away from your post, you idolize him because he broke up with you, I'm sure there were certain characteristics you didn't like about him but can you imagine how all of that goes away when you're the one rejected?

 

He explained his problems about the relationship to you, you also highlighted some of your personal problems, believe me there's no better time to work on those problems, there is no quick fix, seeing a psychologist once or some dates here and there won't erase this, you should attempt to accept the breakup for now, try to sort out your own life and let time heal you.

 

I wouldn't suggest to play any mind games with him, but if you must move on whenever you decide that you must go NC.

 

Finally, you're not replaced, so goes for your relationship and memories with him, but now you must focus on yourself

[d0nnivain]

If the lines of communication are still open, keep talking but don't beg for him back. He needs to see real change which takes years.

 

One of his issues was your failure to save. What have you done to remedy that? Even if it doesn't win him back, now that you have to pay rent on your own it will be a necessary step plus it's never too early to save for retirement.

 

However, as you have gotten a final warning at work, you need to put your relationship on the back burner & concentrate on your job. If you get fired, you will really be screwed. You did say it was a final warning so there must have been previous warnings. I have to wonder if whatever it was you were doing or not doing at work spilled over into your personal life & was part of the reason your EX called it quits. I suspect he wanted to see more self sufficiency on your part.

[ExpatInItaly]

I feel like the more contact we have and the more time goes on he won’t change his mind. I really need to know what to do to get this turned around. I know our love is strong enough for this.

Well, the thing is, you can't do it on your own. It has to be desired by both parties. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there is truly only so much one person can do. And it sounds like you're doing what you can, for now.

 

His family have been really good to me as well. I’m very close with his sister and his Mum even said I could move in with her. Which I won’t do as I know it’s not right.

Good, as that would absolutely be the wrong choice.

 

I would be very honest and tell him you're having a difficult time with this and would prefer if he contacts you only if he is interested in working toward reconciliation. He can't continue to pop up in your life if he's doing so only out of guilt or even genuine compassion. I don't believe he has a malicious intention, but unless he is open to resolving this, he's giving you false hope and preventing you from healing.

 

I am truly sorry you're struggling so much. Perhaps print this thread and take it to your next therapy appointment. Your therapist will be able to suggest some coping strategies so that you don't stand in your own way, and let your life completely fall apart.

[preraph]

First thing you need to do is get ahold of yourself and stop screwing work up! He doesn't like you not saving money as it is. He's certainly going to be done with you if you lose your job. He already thinks you're too cry-y. So act like a grown up and take care of your responsibilities. Get your work back on solid footing and stop worrying about this until you do.

[Jessie11]

Yes you are all right about my work situation. I am usually great at work and they apologised and said they sympathise with what I am going through but business is business. Which I understand. This last week I have really tried to put this aside while working and concentrate solely on my job as I know I can’t survive without it.

Now that I do pay the bills by myself I hope it shows more financial independence on my part. I’ve always worked but he earned more then me and was always picking up the slack if I over spent. It was bad of me and I know he resents me for it now. I wish I had listened to him.

 

When we first met he had nothing and I had my own place. He was constantly broke and I didn’t care. I can see I kept leaning on him more and more financially and emotionally and he just snapped.

 

I don’t want to play mind games with him but of course I want to do the best thing possible to bring him back to me. I would give anything for a chance. He definitely has his flaws and I know that but I still love him for the person he is. It’s like no matter what he says or does I still love him. I want to hate him for this as he said nothing would make him leave me but here we are.

 

I just want him to so badly say we can try to work on it. I feel like he doesn’t care at all and 5 years meant nothing. How can he not miss me after loving me so much for so long.

 

Since breaking up the longest we have gone is 48 hours. And that’s only because I decide to stop talking to him and then he will call me or message me. But not over anything significant so it just hurts me more. After 2 months you would think I would feel a bit differently about everything but it’s like I’m walking around blind every day.

[preraph]

It's time to stop obsessing about it and take care of your life. I guess everyone is different, but I was usually able to shut it off at work and so work came as a relief from personal stuff. You need to learn to do that.

[OptimismHopeTrust]

Hi, so sorry for all your pain and I hear a lot of it. This is tough. You were together for a long time and it sounds like you both thought it would be forever. I get it. You are lonely and you are scared, all understandable. You don't know how this will end. Sometimes, two people have to grow apart in order to grow together. From what you share, you both have some issues you have to deal with. It looks like you both took turns taking care of each other.....but it may be time to both be able to take care of yourself FIRST. Don't beat yourself up over the past or what you should have or should not have done. You don't get to go back but you get to go forward. If you feel you made some mistakes, own them and learn from them. Let them make you a better person. Spend time with yourself for now. If this relationship is meant to be, it may come back and be stronger and more lasting. But if it does not come back, it may not be meant to be permanent and forever and there is an even better plan that you can't see right now. You might want to consider staying with the therapist and working through some of the issues that you feel you struggle with. It is hard to be "friends" when you have been in a serious relationship with someone, but this is something you need to decide and a professional may help you to sort this out. Mind games never work. Honesty is always preferred, but begging and crying will not be helpful to either one of you right now and it will leave you feeling more empty. When you are struggling with sadness, have a strategy ahead of time....dance to your favorite song, take a long walk, call a trusted family member or friend, watch a favorite movie, cook a favorite meal, whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself and life. No pity parties but a celebration of life and that you are healing yourself so you can be a better version of yourself. At this time, the focus should be on YOU, not him. He has to take his own journey and you cannot control that. But you can control your journey and what you will do or will not do. We all have parts of ourself that need healing and self-reflection. We never stop growing. Use this time to move toward being the woman you want to be. Sure, you will have some very hard days but they will lessen in intensity and frequency if you keep bringing the focus back on you. If you can turn your energy towards YOU and not him, you are giving yourself a gift that can be opened each and every day. Take care of yourself. I wish you well.

[Jessie11]

Thank you for ur kind words. I feel so alone right now. Like my best friend has turned on me. I was going to be his future wife and he does this.

 

I’m feeling even worse today. I saw him at the gym last night and I went up and spoke to him and it was so awkward. All because of me. I asked him what his problem is as he seemed awkward as well and then he got annoyed and I tried to make small talk but I was just being weird. Arghh. After I left I messaged him and said “that was so awkward” and he was like yeah it was and if I’m going to be weird not to talk to him. Well anyways today I thought it would be a good idea to call him and say sorry again for being awkward. Bad idea he was being cold and then we got into another talk about the relationship and I started saying what if I change and you don’t know what the future holds. And he said there is no hope and he dosent even want me as a friend. He said I was agitating him. I know he says all these things out of anger as he has said it before and then call me after a few days. But I’m so upset right now. I can’t stop crying and I want to call him again to fix it but I know it will make it worse.

 

Do I just leave it alone now? I keep making everything worse. I love him to death and he dosent even care about me. I knew he cared and still was showing care. He said he still angry with me and I pushed him away. It’s obvious the more I push the more he pulls away. Why can’t I stop myself from doing this and trying to get him back. I hate myself at the moment. I’m in complete despair. I try to do things but this pain is always there. I feel like I’ve been

[Jessie11]

I can’t handle this pain. He knows how to hurt me. Why is he so angry with me. I just don’t know what to do with myself. My anxiety is out of control and it’s like my mind is on a loop. I want to sleep and never wake up. He was so cruel. I guess it was me trying to bargain with him that made him mad. Ahh I thought I was getting somewhere with us and now I ruined it again.

[ExpatInItaly]

You simply need to stop trying to force the relationship talk with him - it's not helping and he's clearly annoyed with you. In fact, you need to stop talking to him altogether for now. Yes, really.

 

He's angry because you're not respecting the boundary he set by ending the relationship and keep trying to bulldoze over his feelings and get what you want. I realize you don't intend it that way, but continuing to push when someone has clearly told you to stop is disrespectful.

 

And yes, you have to leave it be now. You will find yourself completely blocked if you don't.

[Jessie11]

I know I need to. I haven’t in the last couple of weeks and I never intend to but I obviously can’t handle talking to him. Sometimes I’m ok and can be totally normal and other my emotions get the best of me. I need to detach from this real quick as you said I’m asking to be cut completely. I keep going around in my head on how to fix my mistake about talking about the realationship but I know it is best left alone.

 

I hate being this way, like I have no control. I don’t even know who I am right now. I just make myself look worse and worse. No contact is my only option now. If he calls me or messages me should I ignore him?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you need to completely ignore him, but I would tell him that you need space and time to heal and to please not contact you unless he wants to talk about resolving things and eventually reconciling.