BParr0 Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 My partner recently went away for a stag do/bachelor party. In the week preceding it, he went from leaving his phone everywhere to taking it everywhere. I thought this was odd, but assumed he may be planning something for our upcoming anniversary. When he got back he seemed very sheepish. He could hardly look me in the eye and generally seemed out of character. Having known him for two years, I couldn't quite put this down to just a hangover. I left my suspicions for a few days and eventually looked at his iMessages. It's the first time I've done this, but I'm glad I did. I found out that he was trying to arrange a trans escort for his friend - the groom - and was offering to pay for everyone to watch as well. To me, this behavior alone is abhorrent and quite childish for a man in his late thirties. I read further and saw messages exchanged between himself and a friend. Some of them highlighted which bars they were in, stating "It's rough but there's loads of minge in here" (ugh), his friend saying he would take the "fatty" so my partner could take the "hot one", and then one from his friend saying "Don't worry, I can use earplugs or just put a sock on the door if you don't want to be disturbed." I called him immediately and he's brushed this off as "boys talk" and said nothing actually happened. I've since found a condom that's been lingering in our bedside drawer has disappeared, and he has purchased a new packet. I am all packed and ready to leave, but he's messaged me begging to talk in person. I've never found myself in this position before, but I am absolutely convinced something has happened. I'm gutted, to say the least. I don't know whether he deserves a fair hearing (I've never tackled anything like this before), or whether to just go. I'm not at work today as I had a day off/telecommuting day anyway, but he'll be back in a few hours and I just need other opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 Wow. I have to say, I don’t blame you for walking away from this. I think you need to pay attention to your instincts. Mature men don’t act that way. It also concerns me that he got an escort for the groom. That’s a little over the top. Doesn’t say much about his character. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 I have heard more then one otherwise good guy say the most horrible things to his buddies. To me there is a difference between talk & action. If the talk alone bothers you, walk. However, just because he said those things, doesn't mean they weren't in jest. I'm a little horrified about the trans escort thing because that was mean spirited. I suspect it was more about humiliating the person that they hired for being different then it was about the groom actually being unfaithful & having a last walk on the wild side. That level of discrimination & belittling does bother me unless the escort was "in on the joke" & knowingly allowed themselves to be used like that. If you at some point loved this man enough to live with him, I think you need to hear him out. Give him the freedom to tell you the truth. If you are going to freak out because he went to a go-go bar, then he may not be the man for you. However, if your concerns are touching but you are OK with looking, at least hear him out. When we were in Vegas last summer for my BIL's birthday, I actually had some fun helping DH choose what adult club he was going to take his brother to. I opted out of GNO because the bride is just a wild child & I didn't want to watch. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 14, 2018 Share Posted March 14, 2018 Welcome to LS.... 1. Since this is posted in S&D, I presume this person is your life partner or you're married. How long together and approximate ages? 2. Condom causes me to think hetero. Correct? Could go either way on that. We get hetero, gay and bi couples in here so figured I'd ask. 3. Any children with your partner? On the boy talk, yup been around that for decades, mostly with married guys. Bachelor parties same. Heck I've seen some of the same for birthday parties and retirement parties, the 'private' ones. Men doing what they do. That they are successful and married is testament to that style working in society. Do their wives/partners know? IDK, some do and some don't. Each partnership is different. Should you leave and stay gone? IMO, if one incident in a long partnership, I'd count to ten and not make a decision on an emotion of the moment. If part of a pattern, and if the fallout is minimal, like no kids, more impetus to go and stay gone. Either way, if you make a decision, stick with it. Work through it if that's the choice or stay gone if that's the choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 I read further and saw messages exchanged between himself and a friend. Some of them highlighted which bars they were in, stating "It's rough but there's loads of minge in here" (ugh), his friend saying he would take the "fatty" so my partner could take the "hot one", and then one from his friend saying "Don't worry, I can use earplugs or just put a sock on the door if you don't want to be disturbed." Tough to say without seeing the whole conversation and understanding the context. It could easily be the loose - and delusional - bragging many guys do, especially in the frat party atmosphere of a "stag". Many men will talk about bedding women they don't even have the nerve to approach and talk to. As Carhill asked, what's the history here? The answer to that probably goes a long way to revealing what happened... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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