18 month divorce, but guilt feelings?

[MrPolite]

​I am not sure if this is the correct forum for this, but just thought i'd try and get it down to see if it makes sense.

 

I left my wife, and moved out around 18 months ago after years of marriage, arguments, and some very good times. We have no children.

 

She was upset, as was I, even though we had become distant over the years and argued a lot. We saw each other a few times since the split, which were a little awkward, which ended in arguments, mainly because she and I knew that divorce was the next step.

 

She then started divorce a year ago, and I've been through the mill a little, (her too) once solicitors had gotten involved, as well as a court date. It now looks like after a year that the 2nd FDR is in a months time, whereby this may all come to an end if a resolution is found.

 

However my reason for this post, is that suddenly I feel guilty about all this, even though I have gone through hell too. I have been away on short breaks, which I would have always done (for 20 years) with my stbx, and hotel stays, travelling etc, all seem to bring back memories of me doing this with my wife. I can't seem to shake it.

 

I hadn't realised how much this had hit me, and I was probably a little quiet, constantly thinking about the good times with my wife, but trying not to spoil anything when i've been away recently.

I am not sure where these feelings came from, as I did this a lot with my ex, during better times. It's suddenly overpowering.

 

Now I am not admitting or trying to get back with my ex-wife, as too much water has gone under the bridge to do that, and do think it would be completely wrong. This maybe because my stbx I spent all my time with, and we experienced things together, travelling, and other experiences. These suddenly are now all flooding back.

It does now seem that im missing my old life suddenly, and have probably forgotten all the bad times.

 

It seems since my departure, that she has gone to our joint friends, putting her side of her story, and I have lost them - or they probably don't want to get involved. So I have had a bit of a kicking for leaving. I know I could contact them but it seems awkward now after so much time has passed. But I still don't feel that angry about this (as I thought I would) as I'm looking at it from a different angle

 

Also all the past experiences, that seemed mundane, awful or pointless at the time, suddenly now seem much much better, and lovely memories, and I now regret every argument, and wish I had complimented her more.

This maybe a reaction to the whole process coming to an end in an awful way (as most probably do after a lengthy divorce) but I just see the bigger picture, and realise that we are not around for long in life, and it hurts that someone that I wanted to spend all my life with (and she used to tell me this too a lot) we are now the worst enemies in the world (well I am to her), but due to this stage in the divorce, I daren't contact right now due to being leapt upon by lawyers!

 

I am just wondering, I guess, if this is normal? as the whole thing has been an intense roller-coaster of emotions from start to finish.

 

I know that if I did contact or had any time with her, the original bad feelings would probably come back, and I'd regret it.... but after leaving for 18 months, I now do feel different, as I realise we both made mistakes, moreso me.

Edited March 15, 2018 by MrPolite

[d0nnivain]

Getting divorce isn't as easy as people make it sound. There are lots of emotions & they are all over the place. Very few marriages were all bad all the time. In the face of the final loss it's natural that you remember the good times with melancholy. Don't let that sentimentality cloud you though. You know there were very valid logical reasons that you are getting divorced.

 

In time the happy memories won't hurt quite so much.

 

Best wishes.

[marky00]

Most dumpers don't feel large amounts of grief early on (otherwise why would they end things?)

 

When the dumpee begins to accept the situation, that's when the dumper feels it too. In some cases the dumpee accepts it so well, it pretty much flips the script.

Edited March 19, 2018 by marky00

[Frenzy]

Most dumpers don't feel large amounts of grief early on (otherwise why would they end things?)

 

When the dumpee begins to accept the situation, that's when the dumper feels it too. In some cases the dumpee accepts it so well, it pretty much flips the script.

 

That makes sense.

[Ronni_W]

​... suddenly I feel guilty about all this,

MrPolite.

 

Sorry that you are having to go through all of this. It just sucks the big one - no matter if you are or are not the one who initiated it.

 

I initiated the divorce from my now-ex-husband. From beginning, to end, to today (twenty years later), I hated it and I hate it. From my current vantage point, I could offer that you stick with what you feel in your heart-of-hearts; which, you said, is that "to get back with my ex-wife, as too much water has gone under the bridge to do that, and do think it would be completely wrong."

 

Sometimes, we just know what we know...that is, we know what is proper and appropriate for us, for the current situation, exactly as it is (without what we thought, dreamed and envisioned, and without what we want or would prefer).

 

I also have lovely memories - and I'm sure that my ex shares them; and I'm sure that we each bear our share of regrets, although likely not over the same things.

 

The mistakes that you made - probably best to just write-off as your difficult learning experiences, and take that wisdom forward with you, not only to your next romantic relationship(s) but especially to all the rest of your life.

 

Wishing you all the very best.

[BluesPower]

You know... I have none of those feelings.

 

Maybe your marriage was not as bad as mine, maybe.

 

What I am upset about is that is did not do it sooner. That is what I hate about the situation.

 

For you, think about this. We are not on this earth for very long, like you said, so why not be happy? Why stay in a marriage beating your head against the wall, trying to save it, and live an unhappy life?

 

I used to think, for better or worse, bla, bla, bla... I am not of the opinion of if it is not working for me, it is not working.

 

I am sure that you did the right thing. It is just now that the dust has settled, various emotions start to creep in.

 

For me it is hatred, for you, you think fondly of the past. But like D said, you got divorced for a reason...

[FMW]

I think it's completely normal. You spent a large chunk of your life with her and short of any abuse (emotional or physical) you're going to have moments of "oh crap, what did i do?" But remember all the reasons you are divorcing and realize that it's going to take a while to adjust and fully come to terms with the changes in your life. At some point you will adjust and find your new normal and will find at least some level of peace with the decision to end the marriage.

 

I'm about 2 years post divorce from a 23 year marriage, no children. I'm still not completely "at peace" but getting closer every day. I still feel it was the right thing to do for both of us, but that doesn't make it easy.

[MrPolite]

Update on this :

 

My divorce ended mid 2018, well its not ended yet as the financials are still progressing after 2 years! but the Decree Absolute is signed.

 

I've been through hell and back, and so has she. Lots of solicitors fees, dragged on... etc

 

But i still have dreams about us together, as if nothing has happened in 2 years of courts/solicitors, and just recently saw some photos of her for the first time in 2 years on holiday.

 

After 16 years married, it still hurts a little, but things have been done and said that were really 'low' so we have no contact now. I walked out, even though we both knew it was the end. I do not want her back, but its such a weird feeling as this is the first time seeing her really since leaving 2 years ago (she's not online).

 

However part of me, still wants to be friends, and (silly as this sounds) help her out (if i could) in future. It seems to pain me that it went so very sour.

 

I don't suffer fools gladly but this is such a big thing in my life and a drastic separation.

 

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but thought i would update, as some feelings have been churned up. So thought i would get it down.

She obviously hates me, and thinks I do the same (with what has happened) but realise that I don't mind anymore, as there are bigger things in life, I am more mindful, and some people going through much worse things.

Edited January 22, 2019 by MrPolite

[FMW]

At the risk of being repetitive of my last post, what you're feeling is normal.

 

You aren't going to be able to truly start healing until it's all wrapped up and done. It took a few months after my decree for paperwork to go through for my xH to get money from my retirement account. So even though we were officially no longer married, we were still tied by the retirement funds process.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you are in the right head space to try and be friends right now. Maybe in the future, but for now I would recommend keeping your distance. The "hate" is simply evidence that things are still too raw. Things will surely be tempered with time.

 

My xH and I exchange texts every month or so now. We're still very careful and tentative in many ways, but we would help each other if there was a real need and we were able.

 

Give it time.

[MrPolite]

Thank you for your replies way back in  2019.

Since then I should update. I was seeing someone new and the divorce came to an end (finally).

I was in a relationship and still am, but always wondered if it was a rebound thing, and had doubts, but me and my new partner got by. We had disagreements but always over come them.

Then in 2020 I got back in touch, at the start of the pandemic with my ex-wife again, just to see if she was ok, for personal reasons and the unprecedented times we were going through. 

We started talking and going through things, that had happened previously,.. This was a huge relief for us both as at least we were talking.
This carried on for a couple of years, just an occasional text here and there to make sure each was Ok. I am still in my newer relationship.

Over the past 2 weeks, we have decided to meet, just to make contact, (not to get back together I should add) but felt it right 

After all we had been through, it felt right, and safe to do so. There was some upset at each other, but a lot of understanding and water under the bridge.

The thing now is, after seeing her in person, brought it all back, after all this time, and the feelings of guilt inside me were and still are, overwhelming and while we are back to being friends, I am having a hard time beating myself up over what I had inistially caused.

She was very honest, and her same old self, and as I had left, I realised what i had put her through

We get on like nothing has happened, but I cannot shake the overwhelming feelings of guilt. She has put it all behind her and is just looking forward, and so glad to see me.
I feel like I should try and help her situation, as I feel hopeless, even though she bears no malice. It just makes me feel worse and I don't know what to do?

The feelings feel like the day i left and the proceeding weeks and months, all stirred up again, but in a good way that we are still close friends again after all we put each other through

Edited March 27, 2022 by MrPolite

[Annama]

I just came across your post and I am sorry you are going through these waves of emotions all over again.

May I ask what was the last straw that caused the divorce? I appreciate it has been build up for some time.

I think you should really sit down and think how you want to proceed. Thinking of your ex while being with new partner is unfair on her. Before you knew, she will sense it and you may loose her too. 

If you still have feelings for ex wife, perhaps you two could openly talk about it. What is there to loose now? Your ex wife may feel similar.

Being between will not serve anyone.

 

 

[MrPolite]

Thank you Annama.

The last straw was that we weren't getting on, and I  blamed her for a lot of things, which i now regret badly.

I think I was slightly depressed at the time, and jjust wanted a way out and different life.

Being between isn't good, as I feel I have let 2 people down, that I most care for in the world, who are both unhappy because of me in the middle.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, MrPolite said:

I was in a relationship and still am, 

Focus on your new relationship. Not being present wherever you are is a trend you can discontinue.

[stillafool]

Someone (or both people) usually feel guilty after a divorce.  I did and so did my ex.  Your ex probably feels a bit guilty about her part that led to the divorce also.  But with time she will go on and meet another man she is more compatible with and you will do the same.  The woman you're with now is probably a rebound relationship and this isn't fair to her.  Even though 1-1/2 years is a good amount of time to start dating again.  You were just triggered  by seeing your exwife which might be normal.  Don't blow up your life over it because the feelings will pass.

[glows]

5 hours ago, MrPolite said:

Thank you Annama.

The last straw was that we weren't getting on, and I  blamed her for a lot of things, which i now regret badly.

I think I was slightly depressed at the time, and jjust wanted a way out and different life.

Being between isn't good, as I feel I have let 2 people down, that I most care for in the world, who are both unhappy because of me in the middle.

From your last paragraph I’m assuming you told your partner that you met your ex and are confused. How did she respond to your concept of still being “close friends” with your ex wife? 

And it sounds like your ex is happy and has moved on. It doesn’t sound like she’s unhappy at all. Is there a possibility you’re over-dramatizing the effect you have on both women? 

[MrPolite]

No I haven't yet told my partner that I met my ex, as it was just a chat and nothing else, although I do want to mention it and be open and honest.

 

My ex is unhappy, and her life has changed dramatically, this is why I feel guilty of the situation

 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, MrPolite said:

No I haven't yet told my partner that I met my ex, as it was just a chat and nothing else, although I do want to mention it and be open and honest.

 

My ex is unhappy, and her life has changed dramatically, this is why I feel guilty of the situation

 

It’s not just a chat if you’re confused or feeling torn about your feelings and if it affects others. Is your ex aware that you’re in a new relationship? What help does she need? 

Both of you kept this friendship a secret for two years or has your partner been aware that you’ve been communicating with your ex-wife?