Workplace affair

[MrMahal]

Hey,

 

Never thought I'd be on site like this making a thread but here I am. I'll skip right to it. I apologize if it's long but I'm not used to this sort of thing.

 

I'm 35 years old. In November of 2015 I met a woman at work who is 12 years younger than me. Even though I'm 35 I look like I'm 25-27 and people are always surprised when I tell them how old I am...because of this I always tend to attract younger women in their early to mid 20's. It is what it is I guess, a good or bad thing depending on who you ask. Whatever.

 

Anyway, before meeting this woman, (whose sister incidentally also worked for the same company...they were both newer hires), fellow coworkers were telling me how attractive she was and how we would make a good couple blah blah blah....I didn't really think much of it, because I thought they were only saying that to tease me because we are both of the same ethnic background.

 

One fine day we were scheduled to work together and the second she walked in, it was like that scene from the Godather...I was hit with the thunderbolt, it was an instant attraction. Throughout the day I felt the attraction was mutual. After talking to her I found out she was married....but it seemed like a weird marriage because she didn't talk much about her husband and the way she carried herself didn't come across as that of a married woman. After some casual conversation I found out that she married this guy for a green card, she met him in high school and they did have feelings for each other at one point, the marriage was only a formality. We were scheduled to work together the next day as well, and after work we kissed. I felt bad and good at the same time. I'm not going to lie the attraction was physical in a large part, but I was also attracted to her as a person.

 

Over the next several months our relationship became pretty heavy. We met up all the time to hang out after work or on her days off, we didn't do anything physical aside from hold hands and make out, and she performed oral sex on me once. The sexual tension was through the roof. One day she finally admitted that she was in love with me and I told her the same. Our relationship quickly became very sexual, we would go to hotels or she would come over my house and we would hang out and have sex...the sex was great by the way, better than anything I experienced previously....and yes it was great for her too, I have my ways of knowing, we'll leave it at that. I really loved this girl and I felt the love was mutual, but as our relationship deepened it started to become more frustrating because we weren't able to be together the way we wanted to...and definitely not the way I wanted to. To know that she was going home every night to another man was and is still killing me inside.

 

Now keep in mind, like I said, we both along with her sister worked for the same company...because of this we had to keep our relationship extra secret, since others were aware that she was married. I am good friends with her sister and her sister has an idea that we have feelings for each other, and she would often tease us about it....the girl in question told me that her sister told her that if she wasn't married we would definitely be together. Coworkers suspected we were messing around because of various factors but for the most part we hid it pretty well. We would talk on the phone all the time, text throughout the day....see each other whenever possible, etc. Not ideal but given the circumstances it was all we could do.

 

Fast forward to more recent times. All of us have left the company we worked for. The sister is with another company, and the girl in question is at a company that I am also going to join (not because I'm following her, it's because our previous company is going under and a lot of people are jumping ship to this particular employer...it's not just me) The sister of the girl in question recently had a baby, and her brother also had a baby...because of the new family committments and the stress of a new job we haven't been able to see each other as often as before, or talk as much due to the nature of the new workplace.

 

All of these factors are understandable, but what's troubling me is that over the past month I sense that she is growing a little more cold and distant. Right before this she came to my house and professed her love for me again, made it clear that she didn't want me to deal with other women, which I had no intention of doing because honestly my heart is completely with this girl, I don't have eyes or desire for anyone else. She listed all the reasons why she loved me and I did the same. She had tears in her eyes and I consoled her because the last few months have been rough on all of us because of our situation at work, on top of this complicated relationship.

 

After this meeting, and this is all within the last month, I quit the initial new job I had taken because it was terrible. I was really stressed out mentally. I noticed that she had cut communication to a large degree. When I told her I quit she didn't seem to care much. She knew I was a little troubled but didn't really seem to eager to see how I was doing. She would go consecutive days without contacting me which she'd never done before. Her responses to me were short and cold. I asked her about it and she said she was just tired. Now she only calls me on her way to work which is only for about 15-20 minutes max, after that I don't really hear from her. Our communication has been cut to maybe an hour per week. She doesn't seem eager to see me anymore....basically I wan't to know why this change of behavior came so soon after she was over my house being super affectionate and insistent that she loved me? I'm not unreasonable I know because of her new family and work situation we can't see each other as much anymore, I'm more concerned about the change in tone of our contact and the fact that her interest seems like it did a 180. Should I give her space? Should I just move on? I really love this girl and I don't know what to do. I'd literally take a bullet for her but I'm also a scorpio so my pride is playing a tug of war with my emotions.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[SoleMate]

Sounds like a tough situation. You provided a lot of detail as if it matters, but in fact the best advice really can be reduced to: She's Married. Move On. In fact, you may not have a choice as it appears she is already moving on herself. Sorry.

[wmacbride]

To figure out her personality, all you need to do is look at her behavior.

 

She is married to a man who you say she is only with for a green card. It seems he thinks its more than that, otherwise, why hide her relationship with you from him? Why do you care if she goes home to him each night, unless part of you thinks there could be far more than she's letting on?

 

This, right here, shows you can't trust her, and you know this. if what she says is true, she is willing to lie to the government and her spouse, and pretend the marriage is "real" to get what she wants. If she isn't lying, and she married him because they loved each other, then there is every chnace he still loves her and trusts her, and, again, she is lying and untrustworthy

 

my guess is she is exactly that...lying, and she may well have another man besides you. no offense to you,but if she'll cheat with you,she'll do the same to you.

[S2B]

You'd be wise to look for a different company to start with instead of following her to this new company.

 

She's deceitful and she's greedy and selfish.

 

 

Date available gals! She's taken but playing you like she's single -no good can come from this...get out while you can!

[MrMahal]

To figure out her personality, all you need to do is look at her behavior.

 

She is married to a man who you say she is only with for a green card. It seems he thinks its more than that, otherwise, why hide her relationship with you from him? Why do you care if she goes home to him each night, unless part of you thinks there could be far more than she's letting on?

 

This, right here, shows you can't trust her, and you know this. if what she says is true, she is willing to lie to the government and her spouse, and pretend the marriage is "real" to get what she wants. If she isn't lying, and she married him because they loved each other, then there is every chnace he still loves her and trusts her, and, again, she is lying and untrustworthy

 

my guess is she is exactly that...lying, and she may well have another man besides you. no offense to you,but if she'll cheat with you,she'll do the same to you.

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

I'll clarify a little more. Her husband is a guy that she had a relationship with, it wasn't strictly just for businesses purposes...they dated in high school...she was up front with me about it from the beginning, however if she was a citizen they wouldn't have gotten married because she is relatively young.

 

She can't just leave him though, she has to be married to him for a specific amount of time otherwise she won't be allowed to stay here. She doesn't want kids with him and is on birth control. When I met her they weren't even living together, she was staying with her mother and he was staying with his mother who has some sort of mental problems. When her sister got married her moms house got crowded so she moved in with her husband and his mother, then due to her mental problems she had to move out and she is now living with her husband in the same neighborhood as her mother and sister.

 

Up until a month ago she was 100% into me for the past 2 years....and I know there couldn't be anyone else because we worked together, I knew her schedule, she called me before, during, and after work. Even now I'm familiar with her schedule...I'm not that naive to think that it's impossible that she's met someone else, but I seriously doubt it. I've ditched women in the past who were playing games, this is the first time I'm getting a funny vibe from her, I just can't place my finger on what it is.

 

All in all I'm thinking that it is time to move on, even though I don't want to. She is definitely being selfish because she knows how I feel about her...but it's not like she was with me for money. She has her own car and her own money even though she's younger - it's one of the things that attracted me to her, though she knows that I am more financially stable....I haven't bought her anything aside from food and customary gifts for her bday and vday. Regular stuff nothing crazy.

 

Honestly I'm thinking of just ghosting her to flush out her real intentions. Then take it from there. Things are becoming too stressful.

[MrMahal]

You'd be wise to look for a different company to start with instead of following her to this new company.

 

She's deceitful and she's greedy and selfish.

 

 

Date available gals! She's taken but playing you like she's single -no good can come from this...get out while you can!

 

I hear you. I got burned bad when I was 22 when a girl I was deeply involved with and got pregnant had an abortion without telling me anything. Ever since then I've been very careful with who I got involved with on a romantic level. I let my guard down for this girl, and just my luck, she's married...LOL.

 

I didn't intend to join that company for the sole purpose of not working with her again due to the previous awkwardness....but unfortunately the job I took happened to be terrible and I don't have a choice at the moment. It's the industry I'm most familiar with so it will have to do for now.

[justanotheroneofyou]

Don't bother with this. She's a kid, relatively speaking. Seriously. She'll grow up and she may not want you, and face it, you are old(ish). I don't mean to be rude. I'm a decade older than you. But, in your post, it's obvious, from the get-go that you are self-conscious about your age, otherwise, you wouldn't be trying so hard to prove to others (and convince yourself) that you look young. Why even waste time with this? Date/marry someone your own age instead of reveling in the fact that you can "pass" for younger.

 

Let me tell you--most people have that going for them until you hit about 40. Suddenly, people don't look years and years younger like they did in their 30s. Trust me, it happened to me almost overnight. A baby face will still be betrayed by the neck, hands, and other things that go far beyond a wrinkle here and there.

 

Wash your hands from someone dealing with a green card and what not. Try to stand outside of yourself and reread. This all sounds so complicated. And, for what? A 23 year old hottie?

 

Please. Find someone more suitable and most importantly, unmarried.

[Marc878]

Affairs normally last @ 6 months or so. Her actions tell you the luster has worn off and she won't be leaving her H.

 

Cut off contact

[S2B]

If you're not quitting the company then you can quit the affair!

[Vivir]

MrMahal,

 

This has been going on for two years?

If so, I really feel for you. That is a long time to nurture feelings for someone who is unavailable, no longer reciprocating, couldn't care less about how their behavior and actions impact you in general, knowing how you feel...

 

It seems to me that once you two were no longer working together, the situation changed dramatically. She would have to put in a ton more effort to see you and be with you. While you two were working together, things were much easier because you were constantly seeing each other in the workplace.

 

"Out of sight, out of mind."

 

I think she was just talking. Her feelings for you might have been there on some level, but I honestly believe she was just talking. Why would she do this? How would she benefit? A person who is genuinely feeling what she claimed to have been feeling wouldn't behave in the way that she did after leaving the workplace. A person who shared your level of love and care would be trying to come up with a strategy to maintain whatever you had while working together.

 

But she is married. She tried to make her marriage seem illegitimate! But she is actually, really married. Maybe she doesn't understand or realize what being a wife actually means for her on the dating scene. Perhaps she is figuring it out on your time. Or she doesn't care what it means and she isn't finished living her single life to the fullest. Whatever she is doing and has done, she has done it on your time...

 

My advice to you is to let her go and move on.

It is hard, because you feel that you genuinely love this girl.

So... whatever your gut instincts are trying to tell you, you would do well to listen.

You won't be able to be in a relationship by yourself. She would have to meet you halfway.

And she isn't doing that.

 

Maybe she isn't doing that because she is married.

It is a fact that she has extremely poor boundaries.

 

Take the focus off of her for a while and see how you feel in a month.

Observe how she responds to a drastic cut in your efforts over a month.

Then reevaluate.

 

What is your time, effort, energy, and care worth?

Does she really deserve these things from you?

Imagine that all she has said to you about her feelings for you have been a lie... or only a partial version of the truth...

Imagine that all she has said about her marriage is the opposite of what she said... how would it benefit her to tell you these things?

If things were very different than she claimed, what would this mean for you? What would you do?

Edited March 19, 2018 by Vivir

[MrMahal]

MrMahal,

 

This has been going on for two years?

If so, I really feel for you. That is a long time to nurture feelings for someone who is unavailable, no longer reciprocating, couldn't care less about how their behavior and actions impact you in general, knowing how you feel...

 

It seems to me that once you two were no longer working together, the situation changed dramatically. She would have to put in a ton more effort to see you and be with you. While you two were working together, things were much easier because you were constantly seeing each other in the workplace.

 

"Out of sight, out of mind."

 

I think she was just talking. Her feelings for you might have been there on some level, but I honestly believe she was just talking. Why would she do this? How would she benefit? A person who is genuinely feeling what she claimed to have been feeling wouldn't behave in the way that she did after leaving the workplace. A person who shared your level of love and care would be trying to come up with a strategy to maintain whatever you had while working together.

 

But she is married. She tried to make her marriage seem illegitimate! But she is actually, really married. Maybe she doesn't understand or realize what being a wife actually means for her on the dating scene. Perhaps she is figuring it out on your time. Or she doesn't care what it means and she isn't finished living her single life to the fullest. Whatever she is doing and has done, she has done it on your time...

 

My advice to you is to let her go and move on.

It is hard, because you feel that you genuinely love this girl.

So... whatever your gut instincts are trying to tell you, you would do well to listen.

You won't be able to be in a relationship by yourself. She would have to meet you halfway.

And she isn't doing that.

 

Maybe she isn't doing that because she is married.

It is a fact that she has extremely poor boundaries.

 

Take the focus off of her for a while and see how you feel in a month.

Observe how she responds to a drastic cut in your efforts over a month.

Then reevaluate.

 

What is your time, effort, energy, and care worth?

Does she really deserve these things from you?

Imagine that all she has said to you about her feelings for you have been a lie... or only a partial version of the truth...

Imagine that all she has said about her marriage is the opposite of what she said... how would it benefit her to tell you these things?

If things were very different than she claimed, what would this mean for you? What would you do?

 

Thanks for this, we have spoken and I told her I'm going off grid and whatever happens happens. I do still love her though, but I'm through seeking contact from this point on.

 

Quick correction though, yes we did work together, but we didn't see each other every day. The nature of that job was unique in that we worked for the same company, but each of us worked alone in one particular location every day, except on busier days or weekends. We only saw each other as a team at meetings and company events. We would meet up with each other after work or on our days off. It was rare that we worked together, it was only a handful of times aside from our initial meeting.

 

And to the above poster, I am completely aware of my age and don't try to hide it from anyone. When I said I look younger than I am it's because its just a fact, and I wanted to get that clear before people think this I'm just some creepy older man infatuated with a younger woman kind of thing. I attract 20 something year olds all the time, but this is the first one that I actually pursued and developed a relationship with since my early 30's. When we met she thought I was between 25-27, which is commonplace. It's a blessing and a curse.

[justanotheroneofyou]

Well, good luck.

 

I was more on your side about the comment regarding you looking younger. I married someone younger than me and at first, I actually looked younger than him (20s and 30s). Like I said, though, it suddenly and surprisingly caught up and in a society where men are given bonus points for ensnaring a young hottie, some people look askance at a man with an older woman, as if he is dating down. I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel self-conscious at times and fear it will get worse.

 

I was just advising and saying that if it's something that is a nagging thought right now and you are able to push it aside by being confident that you look young, think about how it might end up down the line, actually.

 

For me, I probably would have thought twice in a society where people are measured up all the time. And, I think I know your culture, if I'm spelling your name right (in my second language). I know how it works, I think. I just can't tell the long vowels from short when it's transliterated.