Feels like I am back in highschool

[cabbageman]

I am starting to get depressed here.

 

My situation is this. My ex-gf is living with me and we have a 1.5 year old child together. Ex-gf has 0 support (she has no family, no friends, nowhere to go), 0 savings (must rely on me for $$), refuses to put our child in daycare so she can work (she thinks it is utterly terrible), she refuses to go on social assistance for $ and even then it's not enough. She won't move out and to boot I can't actually trust her with money and support because she is an alcoholic. I do not have money for a lawyer and a custody battle, neither do my parents. She is basically my roommate/nanny at this point as I work full-time, I can't trust her with the kid living elsewhere. When I am home and we fight she says it is my fault and yet she is perfectly fine during the day without me...urgh

 

I love my child very much, I try and spend as much time as possible with her in the evenings and weekends, which tend to be the optimal dating times. I feel like when she goes to preschool in a few years this will change and I need to be more patient perhaps, but now I am starting to lose my **** because I have sexual neeeds.

 

I don't know what to do. My ex-gf is clearly still emotionally attached to me and she is a total cockblock. I definitely can't bring women over while she is still here. Heck I can't even make new women friends without her whining or pouting. Had to block her on all social media.

 

I've been on a few dates lately and 99% women want to come over and because they couldn't that was that. And I am honest, when I tell women my ex lives with me they quickly unmatch. Don't blame em.

 

I ain't going back to having sex in the car like in high school lol and I certainly refuse to pay for it. I'm not a liar either. Heck even when my ex-gf is at home and I manage to find time to go on a date, she calls me to "check-up" on me and if I don't answer she'll call and call again. I have to put my phone on airplane mode and if I do that, which I often have to, I come home to an extremely unpleasant person. Picking up the phone and telling her I am on a date feels ridiculous, I do not need her approval and we are not together anymore so I call her "checking-up" bullpoop. I have tried to "man-up" to her but that's not the point, she is forcing my hand and I feel stuck. That was not a pun either lol.

 

Any ideas folks? How can you possibly date when you are still living with your ex?

Edited March 15, 2018 by cabbageman

[Mr. Lucky]

Any ideas folks? How can you possibly date when you are still living with your ex?

 

Short answer - you probably can't.

 

Unfortunately, you brought a child into this world with an alcoholic user. So the burden of accommodation, security and support falls squarely on you. Sucks but it is what it is.

 

I'd take the money you're currently spending on dating and save it for the legal battle sure to come. I have a feeling you'll need every dime...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Happy Lemming]

Are you renting?? Or do you own??

 

I may have a suggestion, but I need to know more about your present living arrangements.

[basil67]

Looking back at an old thread of yours http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/641603-dire-need-advice-direction

 

You don't want to be a father. You'd rather play music and tour and stuff. She doesn't have the ability to offer your child a nurturing environment.

 

However, in the thread I linked you mentioned that your parents would take full custody. With your evidence of her alcoholism and mental health issues, I don't imagine it would be difficult for them to get custody. This is your answer.

 

Yes, I know your ex said she'd suicide if someone else got custody, but it's just a risk you'll have to take if you want what's best for the child.

[preraph]

Call Social Services or Child Protective Services. Yes, it could backfire, but I know one case where they did require both parents to work and contribute and counseled and offered ways to be helpful.

 

I think the mother is just using not working or taking gov't assistance as an excuse to make you stay put.

 

I think if you maybe get a service involved, you might not need an attorney to work some things out. Now, the child is still young, so not sure now is the time they'll say "go get a job," and it's not easy to find daycare for babies. That's for real. But they might help you figure out something.

 

I feel bad for you because I know you don't want to be with her, but you are a decent guy and staying there taking care of your obligations, so get some help with it and maybe do joint custody where she has to get her own place and have the child half the time and you have the child the other half when she isn't around and you can use daycare if it's available on your time, or your relative or whatever. But get some advice on it from an agency since you can't afford an attorney. Good luck.

[preraph]

Also, you need to stop sleeping with her if you are, and I bet you are since you're not free to go elsewhere. You need to stop because she will get pregnant again just to keep control over you.

 

If you talk to social services, be sure and tell them she uses suicide blackmail on you to keep you there. Maybe they'll make her get some help even.

[gaius]

Might as well ask us how to get to the land of unicorns and fairies. If you can't bring yourself to get her evicted then your only other real option is find a way to start having sex with her again. One or the other. Pick.

[bathtub-row]

Tell her she has 30 days to find a new place to live and that the locks will be changed after that. Inform her that you’re keeping the kid. If she takes your daughter with her, then there’s not much you can do about it but it’s my guess that she doesn’t want the responsibility of dealing with a child and she may willingly leave her. It’s a gamble but you’ve got to get this woman out of your home. Even if she takes the kid, she could end up giving her to you once she realizes that she can’t use her as a bargaining chip. Or you can tell her to leave the kid and when she gets settled and on her feet, she can take her back. My guess is that once the child is no longer a meal ticket, she’ll lose interest in the situation. Regardless, the ex needs to go!

[cabbageman]

Are you renting?? Or do you own??

 

I may have a suggestion, but I need to know more about your present living arrangements.

 

I own a house but I am in the midst of selling it, finally packed all my things and listed it last week. It's just too expensive to live in and I need to downsize to stay afloat, so I am going back to renting, I need to start saving for the kids future.

 

I found a nice place nearby. The market here is rather expensive, it truly is cheaper for us all to live under the same roof, finding separate suites would be very ideal but I haven't found that here in a price range I could afford.

[cabbageman]

Looking back at an old thread of yours http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/641603-dire-need-advice-direction

 

You don't want to be a father. You'd rather play music and tour and stuff. She doesn't have the ability to offer your child a nurturing environment.

 

However, in the thread I linked you mentioned that your parents would take full custody. With your evidence of her alcoholism and mental health issues, I don't imagine it would be difficult for them to get custody. This is your answer.

 

Yes, I know your ex said she'd suicide if someone else got custody, but it's just a risk you'll have to take if you want what's best for the child.

 

My daughter has for sure grown on me lol. She is amazing, teaches me everyday and I love to wake up with her there, she's a very hapy baby and gives lots of kisses. I do want to be her father now, and I understand that it's not something I can just change my mind about either.

 

In regards to the nurturing environment you mentionned, here is the problem I have a really hard time understanding. She actually does a great job when I am not there. She has picked up the slack on cleaning, cooking laundry, I'm finally content with that aspect. She was an early childhood educator for a long time and she's definitely teaching the kid language and symbols and lots of great things, but it seems like, when I come home, all of that goes out of the window, it's like she sucks at inter-personal relationship dynamics, she can't talk adult **** without her getting anxious. I know things are good when I am not there.

 

Although she has had some depression it's gotten a lot better since therapy I've pushed her to take. Thank god lol. She's not a full blown alcoholic but she lacks self-control, I simply can't bring booze home anymore or she'll drink em all. Seeing she has no money she can't just buy booze anyways. But that is where it gets tricky. If she had money, would she drink? Probably. But would she get totally trashed like she does now? I don't know, sometimes I think she only does that when I am around because she knows she can count on me, or so I hope.

[cabbageman]

Call Social Services or Child Protective Services. Yes, it could backfire, but I know one case where they did require both parents to work and contribute and counseled and offered ways to be helpful.

 

I think the mother is just using not working or taking gov't assistance as an excuse to make you stay put.

 

I think if you maybe get a service involved, you might not need an attorney to work some things out. Now, the child is still young, so not sure now is the time they'll say "go get a job," and it's not easy to find daycare for babies. That's for real. But they might help you figure out something.

 

I feel bad for you because I know you don't want to be with her, but you are a decent guy and staying there taking care of your obligations, so get some help with it and maybe do joint custody where she has to get her own place and have the child half the time and you have the child the other half when she isn't around and you can use daycare if it's available on your time, or your relative or whatever. But get some advice on it from an agency since you can't afford an attorney. Good luck.

 

Thank you, I will definitely do this.

[cabbageman]

Also, you need to stop sleeping with her if you are, and I bet you are since you're not free to go elsewhere. You need to stop because she will get pregnant again just to keep control over you.

 

If you talk to social services, be sure and tell them she uses suicide blackmail on you to keep you there. Maybe they'll make her get some help even.

 

She is only interested in having sex with me when she drinks and so it's a pretty depressing sitatuion. And she's a terrible rude drunk so when she's actually interested I am totally not. So I agree. Plus, I got a vasectomy one month ago now, definitely need to be cautious and yeah, no more kids for me. Little sad about that sometimes but I know it's for my best.

 

I think social services will have solutions, I can't be the only one in this type of mess

[Happy Lemming]

I own a house but I am in the midst of selling it, finally packed all my things and listed it last week. It's just too expensive to live in and I need to downsize to stay afloat, so I am going back to renting,

 

This is perfect... When the house sells, you get a place just for you and the baby. Tell "baby mama" she needs to find her own place to live. Do not allow her to move in with you to your new place, once she moves in you will have extreme difficulties getting her out. Do not put her as a resident, occupant or lease holder on the new lease. If possible, try to get a "Month to Month" lease in case things go south on you and you have to move again.

 

As others suggested, I would contact the local child support enforcement agency and tell them the situation and that you are willing to pay if you don't have full custody. Also, any money given to your "baby mama" MUST go through the child support agency, so it is counted as "child support".

 

I've seen payments paid directly to the "baby mama" construed as "gifts" and thus you are paying twice.

 

You are in a tough situation.

 

Best of luck...

[Mr.Me]

As long as you continue to let her control you, she will.

 

Time to man up and kick her to the curb.

[Hoosfoos]

Record as many interactions with her as possible, to gather evidence she is an unfit mother. Then get CPS involved. And prepare for hell.

[Popsicle]

If you're unwilling to kick her out, let her take the kid (because she will likely get her and will be forced to get a job) and pay child support, then I don't know what to tell you, you're stuck.