Grieving the love you wanted MM to have for you

[Savannah2]

I feel like I am at the stage now where I am honest with myself regarding his lack of love for me. I wanted so much for him to love me but he never did and never will. The reality of this feels a lot like grieving a loss that never was. Did anyone else experience this feeling? How did you deal with this realization that this person you gave so much to just couldn’t reciprocate?

[bathtub-row]

That's a tough feeling. I don't know your whole story but I will add that a woman's perception of a man not loving her and what actually is going on are often two different things. For example, women are usually blindsided by the fact that men do not place love as high of a priority as women do. In the case of married men, they often put things like reputation, responsibility and family before love. Many men are geared that way. So, when a woman is miserable in a marriage, she will typically leave but, when a man is miserable, he'll cheat but often never leaves.

 

I recall one instance in particular where a MM was on another site. He was completely busted up about losing the OW, even told his wife that the OW was his best friend. Now, this guy was married but there were no children. He absolutely would not leave his wife. It was the strangest thing to me that he could be that devastated and still stick around.

 

Do you know for a fact that MM didn't love you, or are you making assumptions about that?

[BaileyB]

Do you know for a fact that MM didn't love you, or are you making assumptions about that?

 

Go back and read previous posts... It's quite clear that this MM was enjoying the devotion of a woman and the offer of quick sex at work, and nothing more...

 

Savannah, rather than asking the question "how do you deal with the fact that you gave so much, and he didn't love me..."

 

I think the better question would be "why did you give so much, to a man who was committed to another woman, and clearly didn't love you..."

 

What I'm saying is, take the focus away from this man and trying to understand why he didn't recipocate, and try to understand why you put yourself in such a difficult and unhealthy relationship.

Edited March 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[ice3784]

I feel like I am at the stage now where I am honest with myself regarding his lack of love for me. I wanted so much for him to love me but he never did and never will. The reality of this feels a lot like grieving a loss that never was. Did anyone else experience this feeling? How did you deal with this realization that this person you gave so much to just couldn’t reciprocate?

i have been through that. be strong. one day you will realize he is not wortheed.

[OpenBook]

I feel like I am at the stage now where I am honest with myself regarding his lack of love for me. I wanted so much for him to love me but he never did and never will. The reality of this feels a lot like grieving a loss that never was. Did anyone else experience this feeling? How did you deal with this realization that this person you gave so much to just couldn’t reciprocate?

 

YES. It was horrible.

 

The biggest catalyst in helping me deal with it and move beyond it was time. Sweet, sweet time.

 

And distance.

 

And the realization that the ache came from my EXPECTATION for him to love me in return for the love I gave. Not the love itself.

 

And then, it was the realization of WHAT IN THE SAM HILL WAS I THINKING to get involved with him in the first place! So damaging and destructive. Not only that, but years later I talked to some people who knew us both and they said what a pr*ck he was (in general). Why didn't I see that?

 

Love is indeed blind, and deaf and dumb as well. I had to learn how to feel love & attraction with my eyes wide open and my brain fully functioning on its A-game. And how to separate my feelings from my behavior. That is a discipline in and of itself. It's almost like you have to rewire yourself.

 

Now I am thoroughly screwed up but at least I will never put myself into a position to get hurt like that ever again.

[Savannah2]

Open book, how did yoU learn how to separate your feelings? I would really like to do that.

[OpenBook]

Open book, how did yoU learn how to separate your feelings? I would really like to do that.

 

Through trial and error. If I start developing feelings for an inappropriate person (whether he's single or married), I just stay the course with my behavior - just keep on acting the way I did before (when I didn't care) and hide my feelings. Not block them or try to stop them, just hide them from others. Let them flow through me like sh*t through a goose. After awhile they fade or go away.

 

I learned that feelings are fickle. They're a good barometer or measuring tool for my state of being at the moment... but they're a lousy compass for navigating my life. I had to redefine the way I process my feelings.

[Savannah2]

I wish I had learned that a long time ago. I feel like I’ve struggled with live addiction my whole life and it has caused me so much unnecessary pain and heartache. If only I had known how to manage my feelings better and be smarter about my choices

[OpenBook]

I wish I had learned that a long time ago.

 

Get in line, behind me.

[bathtub-row]

I wish I had learned that a long time ago. I feel like I’ve struggled with live addiction my whole life and it has caused me so much unnecessary pain and heartache. If only I had known how to manage my feelings better and be smarter about my choices

 

But there’s always now.

[Savannah2]

[]I guess I somehow thought he would love me if I did these things. That suddenly he would wake up and realize how much he loved me and wanted only me after doing these physical acts. I think being with him physically actually had the opposite effect and made him want and cling to his wife even more. Deep down he knew he was disrespecting me and I was allowing it because he thought I just could not resist him and would tolerate anything which is exactly what I did. He was still having regular sex with his wfe too

Edited March 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted; topical content retained

[Patrice]

person who was incapable of loving himself, me or anyone. So, I know now that I put myself through this wringer of hurt, and I had something to do with it - which I can work on - but, his whole life was filled with pain from a bad mother - and he transferred that to all the women in his life. There are some really good books out there on emotionally unavailable people - he was emotionally unavailable.

[Adotta]

Savanah I have read a good bit of your story a little while back but it's mostly fuzzy now. I have a few hundred of these threads in my head and they get jumbled at times.

 

But didn't you say you are in a no sex marriage? Wasn't that a driving factor in your falling into another man's arms?

 

If so you might want to get to the bottom of your husbands lack of libido. He may have low levels of testosterone. It can happen in some men. They don't really feel that different they just don't desire sex much. It's also VERY treatable.

 

This may not be the fix you are looking for in this situation but it may just change the dynamic of this all enough to get your mind off Mr OM and back on your husband.

 

At the very least if I'm right and he gets treatment he can start living like a man who actually notices that piece of flesh between his legs.

 

Do you still hope for a good sex life with hubby? Do you still find him handsome or atractive? You might be so far into this affair that you have lost all interest in hubby but maybe not.

 

I actually just commented on scouts thread about the same thing and remembered your threads as well.

 

I've seen alot of women complain thier men have no sex drive and each time low levels of testosterone seem to never be considered.

 

If you want to talk about this with him which I recomend take it easy on him. Don't emasculated him and don't make him feel like a dud. Ask him if he finds you atractive or beautiful. If he says yes then ask why is there no sex or so little then. If he doesn't know why or he gives you an empty promise to do better but doesn't deliver there are really only three things that can mean. 1. Low level t levels. No sex drive. 2. He just isn't into you anymore and doesn't have the backbone to tell you. 3. He has sexual hangups. If he feels he isn't good enough the fear of rejection or judgment can be crippling to a man's libido.

 

Or 4. He's getting some on the side.

 

But most men with a healthy libido don't turn down sex. They chase after sex like dogs chasing a car. Find out the reason. Even if just for his sake.

 

Edit

 

Also don't try using the tactics you women seem to love using when talking to men. Ie nudges and hints and tiptoeing around issues. He isn't a mind reader. Most if us men are pretty bad at reading between the lines. If he isn't getting your drift you need to smack him upside the head.... literally if you feel it's needed, but GET YOUR POINTS ACROSS IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.

Edited March 17, 2018 by Adotta

[georgia girl]

Savannah,

 

One lesson to take from this is to not freely give away what he wants in a relationship until you get what you need. A man should make you feel safe and loved and empowered before you share yourself physically. When that happens, you can enjoy these acts as a couple and it brings you closer together.

[Sampson]

He never gave fully to his wife so why you. You have to see him for who he was not what you wanted him to be. Then you should begin to realize that you are better off without him dating available men.

[Savannah2]

He admits to needing both of us in his life to keep him happy.

[Vivir]

He admits to needing both of us in his life to keep him happy.

 

And in a perfect world, you would have then admitted to him what you need in your life to keep yourself happy.

 

By the way, what are some of those things?

 

 

To answer the question in your original post, yes, I felt (and often still feel) grief - exactly in the way you have described yours - the loss of love that I wanted but that ultimately never was (and is highly likely never to be). I told him I loved him, and not only did he never tell me, but if he was upset with me, he would tell me that I didn't love him... in retrospect, I should've retorted, "Are you saying that because you know you don't love me? Is that how you know for a fact I don't love you?" I won't break no contact to ask him that, though...

 

In my healing, I have revisited some of those conversations. I asked him what "love" meant to him. He felt that a woman who loves him would submit herself to him and do whatever he asks. Our ideas of love are very different. My love for him meant letting him go so that he could detach from me as I was intruding on his marriage. Having me in the picture meant that he would never be able to put his focus back on the woman and life that he actually chose.

 

But I digress.

 

Lately, I have been beginning to believe that if I want this unconditional and forever Love, I am only going to get that from ME. No one else can actually do this, not to the degree I can. Feelings come and go for so many people, but until death comes, I definitely cannot divorce myself.

Edited March 18, 2018 by Vivir

[Poppy47]

He admits to needing both of us in his life to keep him happy.

 

WOW! How self entitled can a man be!!!

Poppy

[Savannah2]

Yeah self entitled for sure. When he used to go on vacations with her and I used to get upset, he would always turn it around on me and say I was being selfish for being upset and he deserved to be able to go on vacation and have a good time without having to wonder about me being upset about it while he is gone. In other words, he wanted to leave his life with me in the shadows happily waiting umderstanding for him to return from his vacation with her while I’m sure they were having sex

[Adoraxx]

Yeah self entitled for sure. When he used to go on vacations with her and I used to get upset, he would always turn it around on me and say I was being selfish for being upset and he deserved to be able to go on vacation and have a good time without having to wonder about me being upset about it while he is gone. In other words, he wanted to leave his life with me in the shadows happily waiting umderstanding for him to return from his vacation with her while I’m sure they were having sex

 

Your xMM sounds so much like mine.... !!

[Savannah2]

adoraxx, are you still with him? I have often thought that our situations were very similar.. I’m just wondering how or if you ended it too and how you are coping

[Adotta]

WOW! How self entitled can a man be!!!

Poppy

I would be pretty full of myself too if two women where eating out of the palm of my hand like this. I would feel like the god of sex. I would feel like I was so damn desirable. A stud!

 

And this whole wanting both isn't something crazy. He just wants more of the same. He already has both. He just wants to continue what she has already allowed.

 

Yes he's an a hole. But women willing to engage with this ahole bred this monster. She knew he was married but was seeking sex elsewhere. What exactly did she think would happen? I'm sure he has been caught cheating alot in his life and I'm pretty sure everytime there where no consequences and the women all fell over themselves doing the pick me dance. This guy has been trained to think he is one step from Godhood.

 

If it was up to this guy I'm sure he would start a little harem. Hell I would too if I could get away with it. And guess what..... she was letting him get away with it. That was all the go ahead this guy needed. For christ sake the second he said he wanted both she should have walked. Now he knows he is so god damn desirable women are willing to share him. Up goes the ego.

Edited March 19, 2018 by Adotta

[Vivir]

Adotta, you beat me to it, and your response -- gee, you took words that were jumbled in my mind and put them together perfectly.

 

I'm just saying. In some circles, such behavior is called The Outrageous Principle. It is when someone tests you to see what they can get away with... He will say and then do things that most people would recoil from, but with Savannah, he chances his arm and he gets away with it... so he keeps chancing his arm. Now, he is absolutely sure that he can get away with almost anything... and it boosts his confidence to try it out on new and different people. As his confidence rises, hers diminishes. It is sad.

 

Savannah, if you simply change a major action or behavior (or both) toward him, it would throw him for a loop. If you always answer the phone, don't answer it. If you always respond to texts, don't respond. Wait a day. Do it for a week. If you always agree to see him at the last minute, have some plans - even if those plans include eating a bowl of cereal in front of the TV in your pajamas... Don't tell him what the plans are... just be unavailable... you know, like he is...

 

Our mission here is to help you move past this time waster with the huge ego and two women who is servicing ALL of his needs.

 

How many are servicing YOUR needs?

(Answering this question was one of the steps that allowed me to break free)

 

Also, Adotta posed the following question:

"What exactly did she think would happen?"

 

I want you to know that xMM posed this question to me in frustration near the end of the affair. It was when I was talking A LOT about what he said in the beginning... how he had said he was going to divorce and then nothing had happened and so much time had passed. He got frustrated with me being down right angry that he hid a baby from me AND thinking that he was supposed to do something to change his situation (I wonder where I got that idea!)... So he asked me rather bluntly and with the usual emphasis, "What did you think was going to happen?????" As if I should have expected NOTHING to happen, but just be OK being his whatever I was... I'm telling you, I remember thinking THE GALL of this so-called man! The question and the way he asked it and what he had implied made me FURIOUS. I think I got off the phone soon after that.

Edited March 19, 2018 by Vivir

[jah526]

Savannah,

 

One thing to keep in mind is that these guys are Liars (capital L). You have to be a liar in order to cheat, even if it is just lying by omission. That's what finally ended it for me, the thought that I couldn't trust anything coming out of his mouth.

 

When he says "I need both of you to be happy", isn't there a little bit of a pity play in there? Isn't he making you responsible for his happiness by saying that?

 

I remember when mine said he "chose" me out of all the attractive women he could have, including friends of his wife. Um, really, dumba$$? Like you are going to try to get with someone who is immediately going to inform your wife? He must have thought I was really that gullible.

 

Mine used to say he was "trapped". I believe he was saying that to make me feel sorry for him. I'm not even sure it's true because I think he likes getting one over on his poor wife. Regardless, it's a trap that he chose - not my circus, not my monkeys.

[Savannah2]

It was a terrible relationship in so many ways and I’m glad it’s over. I went through so much heartache over someone who always just saw me as an option in his life.