What a difference three months makes

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hello everyone.

 

I am considering sleeping in the spare bedroom. I am so tired of not getting any sleep. I am sick of being groped all night if I refuse to have sex with my husband. Before anyone asks, we have sex one-to-two times a week on average.

 

With our seventeen-month-old twin boys which I look after full-time as a stay-at-home mum, many days I am exhausted and simply not in the mood to be touched intimately as frequently as my husband desires.

 

I have constantly explained to my husband that if he keeps pressuring me for sex, he will only push me away. I'm unsure as to whether he has some kind of sex addiction and cannot help himself, or if he just blatantly disrespects my need for personal space.

 

An incident happened a few nights back which has been the catalyst for my thinking that it's time to consider sleeping in the spare room. I know that my husband will be very unhappy, though, so I do consider such actions with some trepidation.

 

I understand that everyone's circumstances are individual, but I'd be curious to know if there are other couples out there who sleep in separate rooms; how has that impacted the relationship? Has it helped or caused more issues?

 

Thanks in advance for any helpful feedback.

 

Renée.

[BaileyB]

Renee, I feel like we have had this conversation before. I think you know what people's opinions are of your husband.

 

As much as you are very justified for not wanting to be groped while you are sleeping... He should, and isn't, respecting the boundaries you set when you say no.

 

However, I can't imagine that he is going to be happy about this. He wants more sex with you, not less. You continue to engage in a power struggle with your husband. I understand that you are tired, because of your young children. But, one or two times a week for this man, is not enough. If you make sex the bartering chip in your relationship and withhold sex and affection, he is the kind of man to feel very justified in seeking it elsewhere.

Edited December 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[sdraw108]

In my experience, sleeping in separate rooms is always the start of the end. Once you start doing that you're not a couple anymore, you're just house mates.

[elaine567]

People can move into separate rooms for many different reasons that may not actually hurt a marriage if there is enough of a desire to maintain connection.

 

Mismatched shift patterns, illness, chronic pain, post-surgery, insomnia, snoring, etc.

 

BUT you want a separate bedroom to actively avoid your husband and sex, then that is probably a disaster for your marriage.

And I agree with BaileyB, he WILL cheat.

OP, I can totally understand where you are coming from.

Reading what you have said on previous threads he is not an easy man to deal with, he is arrogant, entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, demanding, controlling... why do you stay?

 

There is more to life than money.

[sandylee1]

Twice a week is plenty with twins of 17 months. I think he underestimates how hard it is.

 

Maybe you should go away for a couple of days and see how exhausting it is.

 

He needs to respect you or maybe he'll get the message of you get up and go to thr spare room.

 

He is what many women would call a sex pest and it just reduces the desire to be intimate when you get harassed and badgered. It may help for him to know how his behaviour is a turn off for you.

[treehugger12]

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, we have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last several years, he is impossible to sleep with and I’m a light sleeper, it is very common and I’ve seen it on the news a few times now how common it is. Everyone needs there sleep, it’s not healthy to lose so much sleep. I’m a better wife since I get a good night sleep. Maybe if you get more sleep, you’ll be more willing to have sex, doesn’t always have to be in bed when your trying to sleep. They’re are plenty of fun places for that:)

[BettyDraper]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Renee.

 

If you feel like you need to sleep in a separate room because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end for your marriage unless you're willing to have sex more often.

 

Sex is the barometer for a couple's relationship. Emotional conflicts are played out in the bedroom. I think you feel resentful and stifled so you withhold sex as a way to assert your needs.

 

I would recommend marriage counseling rather than moving out of your bedroom.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Renee.

 

If you feel like you need to sleep in a separate room because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end for your marriage unless you're willing to have sex more often.

 

Sex is the barometer for a couple's relationship. Emotional conflicts are played out in the bedroom. I think you feel resentful and stifled so you withhold sex as a way to assert your needs.

 

I would recommend marriage counseling rather than moving out of your bedroom.

 

I have to agree with this. My ex and I were having sex 3-4 times a week and he was still behaving like your husband, accusing me of being abnormal for not wanting it more, even when I told him I'd discussed it with plenty of my married girlfriends and knew I was not abnormal like he insisted I was. Still, he persisted and never respected my needs at all. It ended up creating a really awful cycle of me withdrawing from him (spending time with neighborhood girlfriends), him getting angry and being really mean and even more demanding sexually because he was feeling neglected, me withdrawing more, him being more mean, me withdrawing more, and then eventually him acting out by seeking sex on hook-up websites and Craigslist (and finding it). We went through nearly two years of counseling/separation/getting back together before we ultimately divorced because I just couldn't forgive him. (Then we later reconciled, after divorce, and that ended up in even more heartbreak for me than the first time around).

 

I only share my story as an example. I really don't know what the answer is. I've gone through times of saying "how hard would it have been to just have sex every day?" to preserve my family. But, even that would not have been good enough for him because he didn't only require sex every day, but adoration and lust, and with the way he treated me, I just could not fake that every single day. I didn't adore him or lust after him when he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me on the days I didn't feel like having sex. It's hard!

 

I don't think the solution is to go to a separate bedroom, but I hope that you two can maybe figure this out with a good counselor and a softening of your husband's heart to recognize your needs, and a softening of yours to meet him in the middle.

 

By the way, twins rock. I am one .

[staggerlee71]

This is really interesting. if your having sex twice a week, your getting it in.

whats interesting about this is he associates sex with love and affection. I'm sure of it. Before I could recognize love and affection outside of sex, It was all I knew....comfort, were in, together, you love me.

 

it wasn't until I was older that I learned intimacy and sex were different.

 

he is killing you. but this is exhibit A of how communication breaks down.

 

his sex drive is communication. you don't have to bang him. but if you can get him to understand why, you will be happier. he doesn't recognize your boundary. be forgiving and tell him why you have it. and make him respect it

[Just a Guy]

Hi Renee, I cannot really say much about your situation and I think the ladies on here have analysed things in detail and given you a pretty clear picture along with the possible consequences that could flow from your moving to a separate bedroom. One thing stands out to me and that is that you and your husband are completely incompatible sexually. I do not know what the rest of your married life is like but if what you say about your sex life holds true then I doubt things would be hunky dory in other spheres of your marriage.

 

Having said that, I have to also say that you have to give deep thought to whether you are feeling happy and fulfilled in this union. If you are not then you know what you have to do. The fact is that marriage is all about compromise and adjusting to one another's rough edges. Both partners have to give some and take some. If one partner expects the other to do all the adjustment while remaining intractable themselves then as the words of the song go 'I'm on a Highway to hell' hold true! You have a lot on your plate and you would do well to give it a cool once over and then make your decision. Warm wishes.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Have you tried to explain to your husband the drain on you physically and emotionally of being the mom of twin seventeen-month-old boys?

 

Seems to me you're doing pretty good to be able to be intimate with him twice a week under the circumstances. That is not to say you shouldn't be doing it, though!

 

You need your sleep! Your body may still be trying to recover from pregnancy and delivery! Not to mention the rigorous demands of twin toddler boys!

[BettyDraper]

I would encourage everyone who has responded to this thread to read CR's other threads.

[BaileyB]

Indeed. This has less to do with understanding the pressure and exhaustion of motherhood than it has to do with a man who likes to get whatever he wants, when he wants it. And, he doesn't like to be told No.

 

Let's consider again the example of the time when someone in CR family had the audacity to schedule a wedding on the day of the "big game," and her husband threw a tantrum and refused to attend the wedding.

 

CR, this is not a power struggle that you are going to win. You have to fight the battles that you will win, and this is not one of them. Not with this man.

[carhill]

I recall a male friend of my exW, actually an old BF of hers in high school, going through a similar experience with a couple of young kids in the house and his quip was, well, after drinking a bit ....'all I want is helmet (his polite euphemism for oral sex I learned) and a little understanding once in awhile'..... We were around him and his family a fair amount and he was a hard worker and engaged father but apparently had issues in this area with his wife. Well, sadly his wife and unborn son were killed in a car crash when a street racer hit her, and he later married her best friend and after that never a complaint. They were apparently more compatible. Happens.

 

Personally I don't think the spare bedroom as a permanent retreat will assist in achieving a healthy marriage but, used occasionally, it could give you better sleep to more fully explore your options. IMO, if your H is 'my way or highway' on every middle ground suggestion, I'd be heading for the exit. Yeah, I know there are kids but people deal with that every second of every day. Those kids are sponges right now and everything they absorb will be with them for life. Back when I was a kid I vividly remember the occasional trips my mom made to the spare bedroom. Why? My dad snored like a freight train. Heck I could hear it through the closed door. Good enough reason for me. Learned that with my exW, who also snored. I refused to do the other bedroom thing so wore earplugs. She didn't believe me so one night I set up a microphone and recorded her, burnt it to a CD and put it in her car Ha!

 

Anyway, no easy answers IMO. Like our MC stated at our last session, you've got a decision to make. Best wishes in your choice!

[Ruby Slippers]

My opinion probably won't be popular here, but I took the time to read the thread and I have an opinion, so I'll go ahead...

 

Can you get a little help with the kids & house so you have more energy for sex with your husband? I'm sure he works pretty hard to support you and the kids, and you have the luxury of staying at home. Your job is to take care of the house, kids, and your husband.

 

I'm guessing most men would like decent or better food and sex as absolute basics. It's not hard to guess that if he's not getting decent sex more than twice a week, he'll start looking elsewhere. I'm a woman, and if I were married and only having sex twice a week, I'd be very disappointed and I'm sure pretty cranky.

[BettyDraper]

Indeed. This has less to do with understanding the pressure and exhaustion of motherhood than it has to do with a man who likes to get whatever he wants, when he wants it. And, he doesn't like to be told No.

 

Let's consider again the example of the time when someone in CR family had the audacity to schedule a wedding on the day of the "big game," and her husband threw a tantrum and refused to attend the wedding.

 

CR, this is not a power struggle that you are going to win. You have to fight the battles that you will win, and this is not one of them. Not with this man.

 

When I recall CR's very first thread about her MIL, I realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. CR's husband was raised by an imperious and rude woman.

 

CR, what about taking your sons and going to your parents house for a little while? I know that I suggested marriage counseling but when I looked at your other threads, it became clear that your husband refuses to see a counselor.

 

I feel like you've given up so much of yourself to please a narcissistic and selfish man. A gilded cage is still a prison.

 

I believe in having sex with my husband even when I may not feel like it. However, that generous act occurs within the dynamic of a mostly happy marriage. If my husband treated me like a blow up doll, I doubt that I would be so eager to please him.

[JuneL]

 

Can you get a little help with the kids & house so you have more energy for sex with your husband? I'm sure he works pretty hard to support you and the kids, and you have the luxury of staying at home. Your job is to take care of the house, kids, and your husband.

 

 

I agree that, since your husband seems to be financially well off, you might want to hire help with cleaning and other errands.

 

On the other hand, I don't think staying at home is considered a luxury by every woman. The OP has expressed a few times that she wanted to go back to work, but was strongly discouraged by her husband and mother-in-law. That was also one source of her unhappiness.

[BettyDraper]

I agree that, since your husband seems to be financially well off, you might want to hire help with cleaning and other errands.

 

On the other hand, I don't think staying at home is considered a luxury by every woman. The OP has expressed a few times that she wanted to go back to work, but was strongly discouraged by her husband and mother-in-law. That was also one source of her unhappiness.

 

I agree. Staying at home comes with different challenges which people aren't even aware of.

 

It's sad that CR's wishes are not taken into consideration when it comes to how she chooses to be a mother. It's as if CR's husband wants her to stay home as a status symbol. He also wants to put CR a dependent position so that she will feel obligated to tolerate anything from he and his mother.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Renee, I feel like we have had this conversation before. I think you know what people's opinions are of your husband.

 

As much as you are very justified for not wanting to be groped while you are sleeping... He should, and isn't, respecting the boundaries you set when you say no.

 

However, I can't imagine that he is going to be happy about this. He wants more sex with you, not less. You continue to engage in a power struggle with your husband. I understand that you are tired, because of your young children. But, one or two times a week for this man, is not enough. If you make sex the bartering chip in your relationship and withhold sex and affection, he is the kind of man to feel very justified in seeking it elsewhere.

 

I don't see it as a power struggle. All I see it as is me looking for a bit of respect coming back my way. I'm not one of those people who 'point scores' but at the same time, I'm not going to lose track of an imbalance.

 

If my husband chose to focus on my feelings a bit more he wouldn't focus on himself so much. That goes without saying, but for him, anything less than his full quota and he bemoans being ripped off!

[Chardonnay Renée]

People can move into separate rooms for many different reasons that may not actually hurt a marriage if there is enough of a desire to maintain connection.

 

Mismatched shift patterns, illness, chronic pain, post-surgery, insomnia, snoring, etc.

 

BUT you want a separate bedroom to actively avoid your husband and sex, then that is probably a disaster for your marriage.

And I agree with BaileyB, he WILL cheat.

OP, I can totally understand where you are coming from.

Reading what you have said on previous threads he is not an easy man to deal with, he is arrogant, entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, demanding, controlling... why do you stay?

 

There is more to life than money.

 

I don't want to move into the spare bedroom to avoid sex altogether. Primarily, I just want more sleep! I'm a light sleeper and I need my full eight hour sleep or I really struggle and feel very flat and lethargic throughout the day.

 

Why do I stay, you ask? Put simply; I love him. Of course there's more to life than money. My husband didn't have money when I met him. I was actually earning more than he was when we met!

 

Since he became financially successful over the last three years, that's where things slowly started to change. I noticed an erosion of the equality and "team first" relationship dynamic we used to have.

 

Whilst leaving my husband will mean I'll do well financially anyway, regardless of that, my parents also have money so either way it is of little concern. I just think we need some marriage counseling.

 

I really hate the idea of divorce. I don't want my boys to grow up without their dad. They love him to bits and so too does he love them. I am not a nasty or vindictive person at all. I just want us to be a happy family.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Twice a week is plenty with twins of 17 months. I think he underestimates how hard it is.

 

Maybe you should go away for a couple of days and see how exhausting it is.

 

He needs to respect you or maybe he'll get the message of you get up and go to thr spare room.

 

He is what many women would call a sex pest and it just reduces the desire to be intimate when you get harassed and badgered. It may help for him to know how his behaviour is a turn off for you.

 

Twice a week would be a big stretch. As I said previously, it's one-to-two times a week, max! In reality it's more like one in every five days on average.

 

If I move into the spare room I do hope it sends a message. However, sending a message is not my primary objective. What I want is sleep, and I hope he gets that my decision would be to obtain more sleep and these are the measures I feel I need to take.

 

I have told my husband on many occasions that harassing and groping is a turn off. He'll stop for a night and if we don't have sex the following night he will huff and puff and make it known he's grumpy.

 

He says he gets so horny in his sleep because I don't have sex with him enough. He says he wakes up in the night with an erection and just wants to make love to me. He says he can't get enough of my body.

 

Sure, it's nice to be desired. But it's also nice to be respected and have my boundaries respected, too.

[BettyDraper]

I don't see it as a power struggle. All I see it as is me looking for a bit of respect coming back my way. I'm not one of those people who 'point scores' but at the same time, I'm not going to lose track of an imbalance.

 

If my husband chose to focus on my feelings a bit more he wouldn't focus on himself so much. That goes without saying, but for him, anything less than his full quota and he bemoans being ripped off!

 

It's very disturbing that you talk about sex as a quota to be met.

This tells me a lot about how you're feeling in your marriage.

Your husband does not respect your boundaries or feelings. He is treating you like an employee which he pays for sex and he expects you to "meet your quota".

[Chardonnay Renée]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Renee.

 

If you feel like you need to sleep in a separate room because your husband doesn't respect your boundaries, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end for your marriage unless you're willing to have sex more often.

 

Sex is the barometer for a couple's relationship. Emotional conflicts are played out in the bedroom. I think you feel resentful and stifled so you withhold sex as a way to assert your needs.

 

I would recommend marriage counseling rather than moving out of your bedroom.

 

I'm never not willing to have more sex, under the right circumstsnces. I've tried to schedule sex, but my husband has dismissed the idea as ridiculous. He said that "if you remove the spontaneous element of sex then it becomes boring and regimented."

 

I countered by suggesting that if it's a more comfortable method for me, and he ends up getting more anyway, what's there to lose? He then suggested we schedule it "every day and twice on Sunday. Clearly, he's not prepared to take any compromise seriously.

 

I have suggested marriage counseling recently, and his response was almost word-for-word as I'd have predicted: "Where the f**k am I going to find the time for that?" He does work, on average, fourteen hours a day, so that is a barrier.

 

I told him that we have unresolved issues and we perhaps need a third-party opinion from a professional with no vested interest in anything other than fixing our relationship. His response: "Those chumps have a vested interest in perpetuating your own preconceptions just to keep you going back."

 

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed. For the moment I just need more sleep. I am more sensitive and emotional when I'm tired and that's certainly not helping my tolerance levels.

[BettyDraper]

Twice a week would be a big stretch. As I said previously, it's one-to-two times a week, max! In reality it's more like one in every five days on average.

 

If I move into the spare room I do hope it sends a message. However, sending a message is not my primary objective. What I want is sleep, and I hope he gets that my decision would be to obtain more sleep and these are the measures I feel I need to take.

 

I have told my husband on many occasions that harassing and groping is a turn off. He'll stop for a night and if we don't have sex the following night he will huff and puff and make it known he's grumpy.

 

He says he gets so horny in his sleep because I don't have sex with him enough. He says he wakes up in the night with an erection and just wants to make love to me. He says he can't get enough of my body.

 

Sure, it's nice to be desired. But it's also nice to be respected and have my boundaries respected, too.

 

It doesn't sound like your husband will respect your boundaries though.

I feel like you're being emotionally abused, CR. You tiptoe around your husband because placating him is the only way to keep peace in your home.

 

A marriage can never be successful without compromise. Your husband is going to throw a tantrum once you move to another bedroom. How do you plan on dealing with that?

 

Success has gone to your husband's head and now he thinks that he is permitted to treat others poorly just because he is a man of means. That is a distinctly new money attitude which shows a lack of class and breeding.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm never not willing to have more sex, under the right circumstsnces. I've tried to schedule sex, but my husband has dismissed the idea as ridiculous. He said that "if you remove the spontaneous element of sex then it becomes boring and regimented."

 

I countered by suggesting that if it's a more comfortable method for me, and he ends up getting more anyway, what's there to lose? He then suggested we schedule it "every day and twice on Sunday. Clearly, he's not prepared to take any compromise seriously.

 

I have suggested marriage counseling recently, and his response was almost word-for-word as I'd have predicted: "Where the f**k am I going to find the time for that?" He does work, on average, fourteen hours a day, so that is a barrier.

 

I told him that we have unresolved issues and we perhaps need a third-party opinion from a professional with no vested interest in anything other than fixing our relationship. His response: "Those chumps have a vested interest in perpetuating your own preconceptions just to keep you going back."

 

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed. For the moment I just need more sleep. I am more sensitive and emotional when I'm tired and that's certainly not helping my tolerance levels.

 

I can relate to every word of this, although my ex was willing to go to counseling. He wasn't willing to be criticized while there, as it turns out, but he was willing to go because he thought it would all go in his favor.

 

I wish I had sage advice. All I can offer is a hand holding <3.