What a difference three months makes

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hi Renee, I cannot really say much about your situation and I think the ladies on here have analysed things in detail and given you a pretty clear picture along with the possible consequences that could flow from your moving to a separate bedroom. One thing stands out to me and that is that you and your husband are completely incompatible sexually. I do not know what the rest of your married life is like but if what you say about your sex life holds true then I doubt things would be hunky dory in other spheres of your marriage.

 

Having said that, I have to also say that you have to give deep thought to whether you are feeling happy and fulfilled in this union. If you are not then you know what you have to do. The fact is that marriage is all about compromise and adjusting to one another's rough edges. Both partners have to give some and take some. If one partner expects the other to do all the adjustment while remaining intractable themselves then as the words of the song go 'I'm on a Highway to hell' hold true! You have a lot on your plate and you would do well to give it a cool once over and then make your decision. Warm wishes.

 

When we first met we would have sex daily and sometimes on multiple occasions daily. The sex was fantastic, everything was fantastic. I felt as though, as a team, we were the "Dream Team" and that we could take on the world. I felt valued, empowered and most all, happy.

 

We faced challenges like every relationship has had to. One of them, namely, being family and in particular, my mother-in-law. I never saw her as being an encumbrance to our ever-lasting happiness, though.

 

After marriage, my husband's business (which I helped him build) went from strength to strength. I thought I was seeing the fruits of our labour culminating in the combined success of our hard work.

 

Instead, I was seeing a more detached man who was spending more and more time away. Sure, he was running the business and I get that. However, he was losing focus of us, and in the process, I was finding myself being pigeon-holed into roles I was unprepared for, and unhappy about.

 

Since having our twins, my mother-in-law is around a lot more. Her behaviour has been well-known here from what I've posted on my other treads. I find her extremely overbearing and rude. In recent times my husband has defended me against her, so that's been something at least.

 

My frustration is that my husband is either unwilling or unable to see and/or care about how he's enabling our union to be slowly destroyed. He's unwittingly subjugating me into his own paradigm by ignoring my cries for help.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Have you tried to explain to your husband the drain on you physically and emotionally of being the mom of twin seventeen-month-old boys?

 

Seems to me you're doing pretty good to be able to be intimate with him twice a week under the circumstances. That is not to say you shouldn't be doing it, though!

 

You need your sleep! Your body may still be trying to recover from pregnancy and delivery! Not to mention the rigorous demands of twin toddler boys!

 

Yes, I have. The problem with my husband is that he's one of those people who lives on five hours sleep, max. He's in bed by midnight and up no later than five o'clock in the morning for an early gym session.

 

He'll be back in an hour, have a quick shower and a bite to eat and be out the door by 6.30am to open up the office by 7.00am. I won't see him back home until around 8:00pm, where he'll be working on his laptop while having dinner until 9:30pm.

 

He will bath and feed the boys in between working and he's great with changing nappies (or daipers as you Americans call them). He will play with and stir up the boys before bedtime, though, which is really annoying as it's then up to me to settle them down and get them to sleep.

 

When I've had a go at him about that and in general just behaving like a big child himelf, he'll tell me to "chill out you killjoy." Or he'll say in an obviously passive-aggressive way, out loud the boys within my presence: "Off to bed, boys, or the fun police will lock us all up!"

 

Point being, by this time I'm exhausted and nearly ready for bed myself. My husband is only just winding down from his day and won't want to go to bed for another couple of hours. I, on the other hand, just want to talk to him about some urgent happenings throughout the day and retreat to bed.

 

If I go to bed early, he will accuse me of sex avoidance. If we go to bed together and he initiates something and I say no, he'll want to know why. If it's because I'm tired, stressed, emotionally drained or whatever, it's always: "Oh, that old chestnut."

 

He just doesn't seem to understand or care. He thinks I should have as much energy as him. That I should take on as much stress as him, and do so without any emotional support. Then willingly f**k him, including head and letting him finish in my mouth when it's that time of the month, whenever the mood strikes.

 

Sorry for being crass, but that's what I'm facing right now.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, I have. The problem with my husband is that he's one of those people who lives on five hours sleep, max. He's in bed by midnight and up no later than five o'clock in the morning for an early gym session.

 

He'll be back in an hour, have a quick shower and a bite to eat and be out the door by 6.30am to open up the office by 7.00am. I won't see him back home until around 8:00pm, where he'll be working on his laptop while having dinner until 9:30pm.

 

He will bath and feed the boys in between working and he's great with changing nappies (or daipers as you Americans call them). He will play with and stir up the boys before bedtime, though, which is really annoying as it's then up to me to settle them down and get them to sleep.

 

When I've had a go at him about that and in general just behaving like a big child himelf, he'll tell me to "chill out you killjoy." Or he'll say in an obviously passive-aggressive way, out loud the boys within my presence: "Off to bed, boys, or the fun police will lock us all up!"

 

Point being, by this time I'm exhausted and nearly ready for bed myself. My husband is only just winding down from his day and won't want to go to bed for another couple of hours. I, on the other hand, just want to talk to him about some urgent happenings throughout the day and retreat to bed.

 

If I go to bed early, he will accuse me of sex avoidance. If we go to bed together and he initiates something and I say no, he'll want to know why. If it's because I'm tired, stressed, emotionally drained or whatever, it's always: "Oh, that old chestnut."

 

He just doesn't seem to understand or care. He thinks I should have as much energy as him. That I should take on as much stress as him, and do so without any emotional support. Then willingly f**k him, including head and letting him finish in my mouth when it's that time of the month, whenever the mood strikes.

 

Sorry for being crass, but that's what I'm facing right now.

 

Well, kudos for him for helping with the boys. My ex was exactly the same way, and I really did appreciate it.

 

But that didn't give him a right to act like I was then obliged to bend to his every sexual whim if I personally wasn't feeling it. My desires mattered too, and so do yours.

 

My ex was (and still is) a great dad. But I was also a great mom and was anyone congratulating me on that? Is anybody congratulating you? Does a dad get extra "sex points" for doing what he's supposed to be doing anyway?

 

Sorry, a tangent on my part .

 

It's very difficult to be married to a man like your husband .

[Chardonnay Renée]

My opinion probably won't be popular here, but I took the time to read the thread and I have an opinion, so I'll go ahead...

 

Can you get a little help with the kids & house so you have more energy for sex with your husband? I'm sure he works pretty hard to support you and the kids, and you have the luxury of staying at home. Your job is to take care of the house, kids, and your husband.

 

I'm guessing most men would like decent or better food and sex as absolute basics. It's not hard to guess that if he's not getting decent sex more than twice a week, he'll start looking elsewhere. I'm a woman, and if I were married and only having sex twice a week, I'd be very disappointed and I'm sure pretty cranky.

 

I have a clener come once a week. We also have a gardener come as my husband quickly ran out of time and patience to maintain our garden. It does need a lot of maintenance to keep it looking optimal.

 

If you're referring to a Nanny, forget it! There's no way my husband would let a stranger in the house, to look after his children. He won't even allow me to enroll them in daycare once a week as a bit of respite!

 

Most men would like better food and sex as absolute basics. By food, you're not implying some euphemism or metaphor for something else, other than the literal consumption of a human being's necessiy for energy sources, no?

 

I cook a lot as I love cooking. Healthy meals, although I try to encorporate a balanced diet of lean meat and lots of vegetables. My hubby likes my cooking for the most part, but my mother-in-law had a go at me for feeding her husband too much "rabbit food" once. He sniggered and said nothing else.

 

As for sex, what do you suggest? Frequency, duration, what? The last time we had sex was the catalyst for why I'm looking to sleep in the spare room. The motivation has always been there, but the sour tatse in my mouth was what pushed me over the edge.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Well, kudos for him for helping with the boys. My ex was exactly the same way, and I really did appreciate it.

 

But that didn't give him a right to act like I was then obliged to bend to his every sexual whim if I personally wasn't feeling it. My desires mattered too, and so do yours.

 

My ex was (and still is) a great dad. But I was also a great mom and was anyone congratulating me on that? Is anybody congratulating you? Does a dad get extra "sex points" for doing what he's supposed to be doing anyway?

 

Sorry, a tangent on my part .

 

It's very difficult to be married to a man like your husband .

 

I know, right! No, nobody congratulates me as such. But yeah, my hubby always manages to make himself seen in the right places at the right times, doing the whole "awesome dad thing.

 

Don't get me wrong, he is an awesome dad with the boys. However, he's also awesome at engineering scenarios whereby he has everyone believing that I'm so lucky to have him. He's certainly excels at PR.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know, right! No, nobody congratulates me as such. But yeah, my hubby always manages to make himself seen in the right places at the right times, doing the whole "awesome dad thing.

 

Don't get me wrong, he is an awesome dad with the boys. However, he's also awesome at engineering scenarios whereby he has everyone believing that I'm so lucky to have him. He's certainly excels at PR.

 

I totally get you <3.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Isn't there anyone you know that you could bring in for a couple of hours a day to watch your boys so you can catch a nap? That may not solve all of your problems but at least you'd be getting some sleep which would go a long ways toward helping you be alert in the evening to visit with your husband.

 

You mentioned your husband doesn't trust a stranger to look after the boys (understandable) but if you knew someone you both trust and you didn't leave the house, would he be ok with that?

 

I'm mostly concerned about your sleep. If you can get your sleep you can then focus on whatever else you need to deal with. Sleep deprivation is the worst!

 

One of my babies ate all night long it seemed. I had an hour and 45 minutes between feedings and he nursed for 45 minutes! I know what it's like to be sleep deprived. It ain't pretty and it's rough on mommies and daddy's R!

[Chardonnay Renée]

When I recall CR's very first thread about her MIL, I realized that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. CR's husband was raised by an imperious and rude woman.

 

CR, what about taking your sons and going to your parents house for a little while? I know that I suggested marriage counseling but when I looked at your other threads, it became clear that your husband refuses to see a counselor.

 

I feel like you've given up so much of yourself to please a narcissistic and selfish man. A gilded cage is still a prison.

 

I believe in having sex with my husband even when I may not feel like it. However, that generous act occurs within the dynamic of a mostly happy marriage. If my husband treated me like a blow up doll, I doubt that I would be so eager to please him.

I have done that one before. Going to my parents' house is great, but doesn't fix any of our problems. My parents have no idea of the issues we have. My dad loves my husband to bits. I'm not really inclined to want to burst the bubble at this stage.

 

I know that my mum thinks something is up with me. She's a smart woman and very perceptive. She's always "there" and knows I know that, even if it's not in physical presence. My dad, on the other hand, is your typical, dopey male who needs things spelt out for him before he gets it!

 

I honestly don't want to get into it too much with my parents. I don't want them to be mad or sad about me. I don't want division or conflict. I hate confrontation. I just want my husband to stop being a dick and I need to find a way for him to do that!

 

I have given up a lot to be with my husband. I took a leaf from your book, however, and accepted that I could still do things and gain fulfillment from helping people by volunteering.

 

I have registered with a charity set up by a wonderful woman who helps orphaned/disadvantaged children who are separated from their siblings due, primarily, to living in seperate foster care homes. She sets up camps and other activities and assigns a carer, or "buddy" to partner up with a child and engage in activities.

 

Yesterday I went to my first activity day. With my experience as an Occupational Therapist, I absolutely felt in my element helping these kids; many of whom have special needs - my buddy in this case had a severe language disorder among other development disorders.

 

Hell, even my mother-in-law was supportive of me partaking in this cause. She babysat the boys the whole day so I could go. While that might not sound like much, it's a big thing as she's never wanted to help me in the past at all!

[Chardonnay Renée]

I agree that, since your husband seems to be financially well off, you might want to hire help with cleaning and other errands.

 

On the other hand, I don't think staying at home is considered a luxury by every woman. The OP has expressed a few times that she wanted to go back to work, but was strongly discouraged by her husband and mother-in-law. That was also one source of her unhappiness.

 

As mentioned above, we have a cleaner come once a week. While this in no way alleviates me from all of my domestic duties, it goes someway to helping ease the load.

 

I wanted to go back to work because I love my job. Helping children with special needs is extremely rewrding for me. However, I have found a number of charities where I can put my skills to good use so this has helped in that regard.

 

My husband has every right to expect that I back him up at home when he's working as long as he does every day.

 

The nature of his job and business is such that he's never really going to be able to leave and pick up our kids from daycare if they happened to get sick. Or, alternatively, stay home when they are sick.

 

The reality is that if I went back to work, my career would have to play second fiddle to my husband's business.

 

My husband has also suggested that I do some admin work at home, given that the time has come that he'll need to outsource this sort of stuff.

 

He's suggested that he pay me a wage, from the business's turnover, which will be my "own" money to do with as I please.

 

While it might sound odd to essentially be his employee, it does make sense and everything is then above board. And, it will feel like I am earning my own money and contributing which, in reality, is exactly what I'll be doing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Renee, I just took note of your moniker. Apparently you are a wine connosieur and Chardonnay your preferred poison. I have recently been introduced to imbibing wine and my preference is Shiraz.

 

At any rate, I think you will have to think out of the box to be able to solve the problem facing you. If you could contact a sex therapist maybe he/ she could help you with ideas on how to handle this situation or defuse your husband without hurting his feelings. Alternatively, you could use a 'Pick me up' to give you the energy and stamina to deal with his enhanced libido.

 

I would suggest that you should confide in your mother as she would be able to give you ideas on how to handle your husband. With her experience in life I am sure she would come with innovative ideas on how to handle the situation. Explore all possible avenues before you throw in the towel. Warm wishes.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, I have. The problem with my husband is that he's one of those people who lives on five hours sleep, max. He's in bed by midnight and up no later than five o'clock in the morning for an early gym session.

 

He'll be back in an hour, have a quick shower and a bite to eat and be out the door by 6.30am to open up the office by 7.00am. I won't see him back home until around 8:00pm, where he'll be working on his laptop while having dinner until 9:30pm.

 

He will bath and feed the boys in between working and he's great with changing nappies (or daipers as you Americans call them). He will play with and stir up the boys before bedtime, though, which is really annoying as it's then up to me to settle them down and get them to sleep.

 

When I've had a go at him about that and in general just behaving like a big child himelf, he'll tell me to "chill out you killjoy." Or he'll say in an obviously passive-aggressive way, out loud the boys within my presence: "Off to bed, boys, or the fun police will lock us all up!"

 

Point being, by this time I'm exhausted and nearly ready for bed myself. My husband is only just winding down from his day and won't want to go to bed for another couple of hours. I, on the other hand, just want to talk to him about some urgent happenings throughout the day and retreat to bed.

 

If I go to bed early, he will accuse me of sex avoidance. If we go to bed together and he initiates something and I say no, he'll want to know why. If it's because I'm tired, stressed, emotionally drained or whatever, it's always: "Oh, that old chestnut."

 

He just doesn't seem to understand or care. He thinks I should have as much energy as him. That I should take on as much stress as him, and do so without any emotional support. Then willingly f**k him, including head and letting him finish in my mouth when it's that time of the month, whenever the mood strikes.

 

Sorry for being crass, but that's what I'm facing right now.

 

Your marital issues aren't about sex, CR. They are about the obvious lack of empathy for your struggles as a SAHM and respect for your sexual boundaries. Your husband's behavior is controlling and bordering on abusive. Would a loving spouse completely disregard your feelings and DEMAND that you give blow jobs?

[JuneL]

I would suggest that you should confide in your mother as she would be able to give you ideas on how to handle your husband. With her experience in life I am sure she would come with innovative ideas on how to handle the situation. Explore all possible avenues before you throw in the towel. Warm wishes.

 

I agree that it's a great idea to confide in your mother. At the very least, it helps to have someone really close to listen to you. Also, the fear about bursting their bubble (that their daughter has married a dream husband) may have added your stress.

[GoldenR]

I just read this whole thread thru.

 

Nothing is going to change either of your sex drives. Not counseling. Not getting help around the house. Not banishing the MIL from your house. Not reducing his work hours.

 

He wants more. You basically don't want it ever, as it sounds like when you do have sex with him, you're just giving in to him to get you thru the next 5 days.

 

A bad sex life in marriage pretty much = an unhappy marriage. You probably think about bedtime and the stress that comes with it all day, while he thinks about bedtime throughout the day as well, but his is with a mix of hope and frustration, mostly frustration.

 

Nothing is going to change him from wanting sex from his wife. Unless you can somehow start giving it to him more, and willingly (not like, "OK, fine,let's do it, just hurry!"), you will either wind up divorced, or you'll wind up living with him while he cheats on you. (Would you even care if he cheated? I mean, if you don't want him like that, would you really care if he sought it out elsewhere, yet still came home to you?).

 

My point is, this isn't going to end well without some bending on your part. I'm not telling you to bend, and I'm also not defending your H. Just telling you what to be prepared for if you don't acquiesce.

[Popsicle]

Okay, so if you sleep in another room, when are you going to have sex? How will that go?

Edited December 3, 2017 by Popsicle

[JuneL]

I agree that it's a great idea to confide in your mother. At the very least, it helps to have someone really close to listen to you. Also, the fear about bursting their bubble (that their daughter has married a dream husband) may have added your stress.

 

p.s. Perhaps you can hire someone to come a couple of hours each afternoon, and you can have a power nap while your toddlers are napping. The helper can help around the house a bit while you are all napping, but she's not taking care of the kids directly.

[BettyDraper]

I just read this whole thread thru.

 

Nothing is going to change either of your sex drives. Not counseling. Not getting help around the house. Not banishing the MIL from your house. Not reducing his work hours.

 

He wants more. You basically don't want it ever, as it sounds like when you do have sex with him, you're just giving in to him to get you thru the next 5 days.

 

A bad sex life in marriage pretty much = an unhappy marriage. You probably think about bedtime and the stress that comes with it all day, while he thinks about bedtime throughout the day as well, but his is with a mix of hope and frustration, mostly frustration.

 

Nothing is going to change him from wanting sex from his wife. Unless you can somehow start giving it to him more, and willingly (not like, "OK, fine,let's do it, just hurry!"), you will either wind up divorced, or you'll wind up living with him while he cheats on you. (Would you even care if he cheated? I mean, if you don't want him like that, would you really care if he sought it out elsewhere, yet still came home to you?).

 

My point is, this isn't going to end well without some bending on your part. I'm not telling you to bend, and I'm also not defending your H. Just telling you what to be prepared for if you don't acquiesce.

 

Perhaps I'm missing something but I don't get the impression that CR never wants sex. She just has a lower sex drive than her husband does and she's exhausted from taking care of her children. What makes you say that CR never wants sex?

 

I believe that couples should meet each others sexual needs as much as they can. About an hour ago, I was going to go lift weights while dinner was cooking but my husband wanted to make love. We had sex instead and it was wonderful. I don't think that I would be so accommodating if my husband didn't treat me well outside of the bedroom and I would probably be less interested in sex if we had babies as well. CR's husband doesn't care about her feelings and challenges as a new mom; telling her to be more sexual does not solve the underlying issues.

 

I've observed this dynamic occurring when children are born. Husbands feel sexually frustrated while the wives are knackered from pregnancy, childbirth and the energy drain that comes with parenting. I guess some husbands aren't understanding because they do not suffer physically to bring kids into the world and husbands tend to do far less childcare than women do. Seeing how common this situation is makes me very happy to be childfree.

[Chardonnay Renée]

OMG! What happened to this forum? I couldn't access it for four days!

[GoldenR]

Perhaps I'm missing something but I don't get the impression that CR never wants sex. She just has a lower sex drive than her husband does and she's exhausted from taking care of her children. What makes you say that CR never wants sex?

 

She wants to sleep in another room to get away from her H that wants it. That pretty much says it all.

[Els]

Based on your other threads, I think you should be considering separation.

 

But to answer this thread alone... couples can sleep in separate rooms for various reasons (snoring, insomnia, working different shifts, etc) and still have a healthy, intimate relationship. For YOUR reason though, it's not really going to solve the main problem.

 

The last time we had sex was the catalyst for why I'm looking to sleep in the spare room. The motivation has always been there, but the sour tatse in my mouth was what pushed me over the edge.

 

I'm worried about you. Did he have sex with you against your will? You do know that marital rape is a legal offence (and rightly so) in Australia, right?

[Els]

Your marital issues aren't about sex, CR. They are about the obvious lack of empathy for your struggles as a SAHM and respect for your sexual boundaries. Your husband's behavior is controlling and bordering on abusive. Would a loving spouse completely disregard your feelings and DEMAND that you give blow jobs?

 

Exactly. Lack of sex is just one of the many symptoms of this very messed-up marriage IMO. Her wanting to sleep in a spare room is also a symptom, and similarly doing so only fixes a symptom. Nothing changes at the core.

 

A spouse who demands blowjobs when you're feeling ill is a person who should NOT be getting blowjobs from you. Or your life or your love, really.

 

If you're staying "for your kids", I can't imagine that growing up with a father like that is good for your sons, OP. Kids emulate what they observe. Do you really want to raise boys who will likely treat their own partners with such contempt, disregard, entitlement, and abuse? On the other hand, if they had a stepfather who treated you with love and consideration, might they not emulate that instead?

[BarbedFenceRider]

Are you happy with the idea of marriage and kids right now? Leave the sex thing to the side for a moment...Did having kids and being a wife leave you content and fulfilled or now with year old twins and domesticated life leave you thinking otherwise?

 

You originally posted that sex was 1-2 times a week. How did that go? Are you guys passionate or just going through the motions. Is it love making, or just whammy, bammy?

 

I also agree, no sleep can turn you inside out. Everyone will irritate you. Maybe a spa weekend, no kids and quiet hotel time with sleep masks can reset your clock.

 

As for the needs of your husband. I tend to think that his inconsiderate attitude concerning sex could be helped with some counselling. He is frustrated, and signals are most undoubtedly crossed. If I were him, I would want re-assurance that YOU are safe for him as well. Trying to control you and constantly badgering you is a sign of insecurity...He may have a false sense of maintaining this relationship. Outside help usually can work in these areas. It would be interesting to know a little more of his past..Best of luck.

[GoldenR]

I've read your other threads. Your H is not a good H. He just isn't. That was pretty much the basis for my original post. It doesn't look like he's ever going to change his behavior. He's pretty much made you not want sex. And that's where you're at. From your other threads, it seems like he won't ever change. So, my answer to this thread is still, if you don't give it to him more, it probably is the beginning of the end for your marriage, especially if you move into the other room.

[BettyDraper]

She wants to sleep in another room to get away from her H that wants it. That pretty much says it all.

 

CR mentioned having sex with her husband once or twice a week though.

[GoldenR]

CR mentioned having sex with her husband once or twice a week though.

 

Yeah....but it doesn't sound like she looks forward to it. And why would she?

 

She's the victim here. But he's NOT going to change. She loves him. Doesn't want to lose him. And that's why I said what I said. And while my answer may suck, expecting change from him is not being very realistic.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hi Renee, I just took note of your moniker. Apparently you are a wine connosieur and Chardonnay your preferred poison. I have recently been introduced to imbibing wine and my preference is Shiraz.

 

At any rate, I think you will have to think out of the box to be able to solve the problem facing you. If you could contact a sex therapist maybe he/ she could help you with ideas on how to handle this situation or defuse your husband without hurting his feelings. Alternatively, you could use a 'Pick me up' to give you the energy and stamina to deal with his enhanced libido.

 

I would suggest that you should confide in your mother as she would be able to give you ideas on how to handle your husband. With her experience in life I am sure she would come with innovative ideas on how to handle the situation. Explore all possible avenues before you throw in the towel. Warm wishes.

 

I'm a country gal who grew up on a property where my dad had a small vineyard. He predominantly grew the Riesling and Chardonnay grape varieties. Growing up to love wine was fait accompli.

 

Shiraz is one of the premier grape varieties used in Australian reds. Our two best known labels, Henschke's Hill of Grace and Penfolds' Grange use the grape variety.

 

If you're looking for a fantastic, bold Australian Shiraz, look no further than these two options - just be prepared to pay through the nose. However, there are many great options we make downunder that won't break the bank!