What a difference three months makes

[JuneL]

Happy New Year, Renee!

[Chardonnay Renée]

Happy New Year, Renee!

 

Thanks JuneL, same to you, and thanks everyone for all the wonderful supoort I've received in some pretty trying times.

 

I hope everyone has had a fantastic New Year and 2018 be an amazing year for all of you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Renee, wish you a Very Happy and prosperous New Year! I do hope your New Year resolution is to work pro actively to change your situation for the better. As others have said, you are a tough woman and as the old Army Engineers saying goes, ' When the going gets tough the tough get going'. It is time for you to get going and make 2018 a watershed year for yourself. Warm wishes.

[SolG]

Hey Chardy Cardy! (As a fellow Aussie I know you'll know what I mean. It's a Mooney Ponds thing.) How are you doing?

[Just a Guy]

Hi SolG can you explain or decode what you posted? Would help the rest of us to appreciate your point of view. Thanks and A Happy New Year to you!

[Els]

Hi CR. Really hoping you have found the strength to leave. Rooting for you.

[BettyDraper]

Hi CR. Really hoping you have found the strength to leave. Rooting for you.

 

She may not want to leave at this point. It's no easy feat to completely rearrange one's life.

I respect whatever decisions CR makes even if I may not agree with them.

She is the one who will deal with the fallout of her choices so none of us can make them for her.

[basil67]

Been thinking about you Renee. Hoping you'll check back in soon.

[lucky-girl]

Renee, my heart goes out to you.

At first I thought your situation was fairly similar to mine had been with unequal sex drives, a frustrated husband and resenting feeling like a wife is just a personal whore. But your husband's views and actions are thoroughly abhorrent!

You story reminds me of my sister's. She was sexually abused as a teen but seemed to have dealt with it and was happily married for a dozen or so years. Something brought the abuse back and she developed an aversion to sex. Her husband couldn't empathize and she was under constant pressure to put out. The more she did so the greater the aversion, the greater the anxiety, the deeper the depression. It took another 10 years (suffering depression, anxiety and rape nightmares the whole time) for her to finally concede she didn't have to keep giving him sex to stop him leaving her and realise he was never going to change and give her the respect and emotional support she needed and deserved.

I'm not saying your situation is the same, but your developing anxiety worried me and I was concerned that continuing as you were would only make things worse.

I understand if you still want to try couples counselling, I just hope you don't spend years waiting for him to change.

 

I hope your parents respond better than our mother and brother, who, not knowing the full story, both advised my sister that it was her duty to give her husband sex even if she didn't want it. Appalling view even if she wasn't suffering aversion and fear due to trauma!

 

Best of luck whatever you do!

[BettyDraper]

Bump...I hope CR comes back soon.

[William]

As it's been a couple weeks since the Op has posted an update we'll close this up until she returns.

 

Chardonnay Renée, you can request this thread reopened via the Alert Us function. ~T

[CR1983]

Hi everyone,

 

First off, I should mention that it's Chardonnay Renée here.

 

Something went wrong with my account; I couldn't log back in and the password resets weren't working, either. Hence, I created a new account.

 

So, anyway, I am now single.

 

I have gotten through possibly the most painful and saddest period of my life. I am now ready to turn a new leaf.

 

All of the lies, all of the horrible mistreatment, everything, I'm pleased to say is now behind me.

 

I don't think I will be posting much here, but I thought it would be polite to update everyone as I've received some wonderful support over the journey.

 

Thank you to those who have send me private messages, the support has meant a lot.

 

Regards,

 

Renée

[FilterCoffee]

Hey CR,

 

So sorry to hear about it. How are the boys? Have you moved to your parents place?

[William]

Moderation locked the inaccessible account for security reasons, merged the relevant threads, updated the title and reopened the combined thread to discussion. For purposes of discussion Chardonnay Renée and CR1983 are the same member. Moderator bump to renew the combined thread. New member name will not have PM access until the usual time and posts have occurred. Thanks and please continue!

[GoldenR]

I'm very happy for you, Renee! You're a strong woman!

[Els]

Hi everyone,

 

First off, I should mention that it's Chardonnay Renée here.

 

Something went wrong with my account; I couldn't log back in and the password resets weren't working, either. Hence, I created a new account.

 

So, anyway, I am now single.

 

I have gotten through possibly the most painful and saddest period of my life. I am now ready to turn a new leaf.

 

All of the lies, all of the horrible mistreatment, everything, I'm pleased to say is now behind me.

 

I don't think I will be posting much here, but I thought it would be polite to update everyone as I've received some wonderful support over the journey.

 

Thank you to those who have send me private messages, the support has meant a lot.

 

Regards,

 

Renée

 

So glad you made that decision for yourself and your children, Renee. I am sure things are very difficult now, but please hang in there. It was worth it, and it will get better. Now your children won't be raised in an abusive home, and you yourself will not be the subject of abuse any longer.

 

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[BaileyB]

Well, when you make a decision Renee... you don't wait for the sun to go down.

 

I'm glad that you are well and on your way to a better future. You are a strong lady! Best wishes.

[BettyDraper]

CR, I commend you for making such a difficult choice.

Leaving an abusive situation is not for the faint of heart. I'm so proud of you.

 

Now you have a new chapter to look forward to. You're an affluent single mom who is free from abuse. The world is your oyster. I have no doubt that you will thrive now that you are no longer in a gilded cage. You're a wonderful and intelligent woman who has a bright future ahead of her.

 

I wish you and your boys every happiness. Don't be a stranger! Come back and say hi once in a while.

[basil67]

Thanks so much for the update Renee. I've been thinking about you a lot since you left. Really glad that you got yourself out of there.

[CR1983]

I can't believe I didn't see it for what it was. When it all came crashing down, he didn't even care!

 

Two months ago I was sent a screenshot of my husband's Tinder account from one of my friends.

 

I was dumbfounded. I felt numb. I was shaking uncontrollably. Everything in his profile was written exactly how he would write about himself.

 

When he got home, I approached him and asked him to explain. He responded by saying, "I've got NFI, maybe one of my mates hacked my Facebook and created an account."

 

I screamed at him! "Bulls**t" and slapped him. Told him to GTFO of the house. That I didn't want to see his disgraceful face near me.

 

He handed me his phone and said, "Go on, look for the app in my phone, you won't find it! I don't have it!

 

I told him that I think he has multiple phones for this very reason, and, "you wouldn't be dumb enough to have in installed on your primary phone.

 

He looked at me with a cold anger in his eyes and said, "You can fill your head with whatever s**t you like, getting upset about it doesn't make it factual."

 

He then stormed off in a huff, got into his car and left. I didn't see him for the rest of the night, so I only assumed he went to stay in his apartment.

 

We smoothed it over in the next month. He blamed one of his mates for playing a 'prank' on him. He even had one of his mates call me and say it was "just a laugh."

 

I had major trust issues at that point, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I was cold and a little distant towards him. I had already been sleeping in the spare room by that point.

 

If things weren't already rocky, I received an extremely disturbing message on Snapchat. It was from one of my husband's employees - a lovely guy I had worked with from time to time.

 

The video was captioned, "You didn't get this from me... but I don't think this is right at all. I am really sorry."

 

My husband looked to be snorting cocaine from the bare chest of a woman, I presume a paid escort, at one of those boozy parties he and his fellow colleagues host.

 

I cried uncontrollably. I was crushed. My whole world crashed down upon me. I knew it was over. I ran to the toilet, I was vomiting profusely. It made me ill, figuratively and literally.

 

I kept asking "Why? What have I done to deserve this?"

 

The next day when he came home I told him to pack all of his belongings because we were done. He started laughing and said "It's only Feb, not April 1, babe."

 

I told him, "I'm not your babe, now GTFO now, I don't want to ever see you set foot in this house as my husband again. You are an absolute disgrace!"

 

He started getting really mad, demanding I tell him what was going on. I told him I knew about what happened last night, snorting white substances off a random woman's chest.

 

His demeanour changed immediately. He actually went a little red, before asking "You tell me which f*#king rat told you, NOW!"

 

I informed him that I'd never give up such information, as "it was said in confidence... but to never forget that better men than him won't stand for such behaviour."

 

He replied, "Oh yeah? Well, no good man goes behind his mate's back by causing marriage-destroying chaos. If he was a real man, he would have just confronted me."

 

He then went on to say, "You better tell this dude to watch out, because when I find out who it was, and I will, he's f*#ked! I'm going to destroy him."

 

I told him, "You just don't get it, do you? It is YOU who's destroyed our marriage, by lying, by cheating, by manipulating me and being an emotional bully."

 

He then screamed at me and said the most harrowing words I've ever heard anyone say to me. I opened myself up for it, I needed it and I knew it was coming.

 

Like a scene out of A Few Good Men when Jack Nicholson's character was backed into a corner, his pride and belief in his own psychotic convictions wouldn't allow him to not ultimately stand by what he truly believed in.

 

He said, "No, actually, it is YOU who has completely F*#ked our marriage, you spoilt, ungrateful, uptight little tart."

 

He then went on, "You want to know the truth (he didn't preface it by saying that I couldn't handle the truth - lol), the truth is... you are nothing. You are an insignificant, worthless, pathetic little moll"

 

He followed up his abuse by admitting that he did in fact create his Tinder profile himself. He even admitted that he bought his penthouse apartment in the city just so he could 'match' in a densely populated area, away from home.

 

He qualified his abuse and reasoning for why, in his mind, it was in fact I who were to blame for our marriage failure.

 

He stated: "What do you think will happen when I'm someone who can literally f*#k whoever I want, whenever I want, yet I'm stuck with some uptight, frigid prima donna who dolls out piddly bits of the most boring sex I've ever had, only after making me jump through a million hoops."

 

He said, "You are a dud in bed, you're absolutely f*#king useless and no guy would want to have sex with you when a blowup doll does the same job and doesn't even whinge afterwards."

 

I knew it was all coming. I had braced myself for the onslaught. But it still hurt... it hurt like hell. It felt like my heart has been impaled by a wrought iron dagger, straight from the furnace of a blacksmith.

 

I was weak at the knees and almost collapsed. He laughed at me and told me to "have a good life you worthless wenche."

 

He's been gone now for a few weeks. I do not wish to speak to him. I have sought legal advice. My husband has his own lawyers.

 

I am living with my parents at the moment. I don't want to go back to our family home. As beautiful as it is, it's a prison of awful memories. I want it gone.

 

My husband is going to continue living in the city, only a few blocks from his work. He hasn't even asked to see the kids. I don't know what will happen there.

 

All I know his, he almost completely destroyed me. Almost, but not quite. And after all the pain, misery and agony, the one thing he cannot take from me, is the best part of him, which is the two greatest gifts a woman could ever ask for.

 

I will raise my sons to be strong, independent and respectful. He WILL NOT have any influence over them. He can do what he likes to me, I will get through it. But the boys will not suffer, nor will they be influenced by such a toxic monster.

 

I will move back to the city (suburbs) once the house is sold and I find another, more suitable place to stay. I'm so grateful the boys aren't school aged yet. It gives me time to heal and be around my loved ones.

 

I will pop back in and update everyone so often.

 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my very painful account over the last few months. 2018 has been a terrible year, but I'm hoping it will pave the way for a much brighter future.

 

Regards,

 

Renée.

Edited March 17, 2018 by CR1983

[Els]

I am so sorry Renee. {{hugs}}

 

I'm glad you have your parents for support. I would strongly advise seeking the counsel of a good divorce lawyer, as well. It might feel like "too soon", but it really isn't.

 

Take care.

[BaileyB]

He is a monster.

 

Thank goodness you have your parents. And thank goodness your children have you as their mother. I would fight hard to keep them away from their father, although it doesn't sound like he is particularly interested in his children anyway. His priorities lie elsewhere.

 

Take the time that you need to heal. Hire a good lawyer and take him for everything that you can!

[GoldenR]

I know it's fresh and all, but always remember this: somehow, some way, things will get better. They always do. Leaving him was a start. A very good start. You have family that loves you. You have kids that love you and you them. This is the beginning of your new life, and it's only going to get better.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Renee, I am really sorry how things went down precipitating the inevitable break with your husband. You said that it had been weeks since he had moved out but there had been no olive branch from him considering the horrendous manner in which he initiated the break up. That speaks volumes about his conceit and overbearing attitude. In a way that was a good thing because he showed you his true colours with no attempt at sugar coating matters and, sad though it is, it has brought down the curtain on your troubled union with a finality which has left no ambiguity. In a way everything has wound down to a result that seemed inevitable to folks on the outside looking in although I get the feeling that, inspite of your troubled circumstances, you were not ready and willing to throw in the towel just yet. That is the hallmark of someone who is dedicated and true to her core values and beliefs and has the stamina and resilience to run the long race provided her status and sacrifice as an equal partner was recognized by her husband.

 

Elswyth is correct in that you should contact a lawyer at the earliest to get to know the legal position and whether you should have left the marital home or not if that will affect your interests in the event of a divorce. I do not know whether you are holding out hope for a possible reconciliation or not but even if you are, it is better to be prepared for the expected battle that is on the cards. You are a strong person and although this is something that can really set you back, you have it in you to pull through, all the more for the sake of your sons. In an earlier post I had said that you should explore the possibility of getting back in the workforce. I do not know whether this will have a significant impact on your being able to get maintenance from your husband but you may feel that being in the workforce gives you a sense of being in control of your life and something which boosts your confidence. At such a time this may be therapeutic for your self esteem and self worth. What ever be your final decision in matters concerning your future way forward I, along with the others here, wish you the very best and raise a toast to your future happiness and contentment with a glass of your very own Chardonnay. Cheers!

[JuneL]

Thank you so much for the update, OP. It must have taken much strengthen and courage to write such a painful account. Good that you have very supportive parents and your adorable toddlers with you. Are you seeing a therapist to help you get through this difficult period?

 

I think your husband burst out saying those extremely hurtful things out of shame more than anything. I suspect he might talk to you again once he's calmed down. Have you decided what to do in case he tries talking to you?