What a difference three months makes

[Chardonnay Renée]

I just read this whole thread thru.

 

Nothing is going to change either of your sex drives. Not counseling. Not getting help around the house. Not banishing the MIL from your house. Not reducing his work hours.

 

He wants more. You basically don't want it ever, as it sounds like when you do have sex with him, you're just giving in to him to get you thru the next 5 days.

 

A bad sex life in marriage pretty much = an unhappy marriage. You probably think about bedtime and the stress that comes with it all day, while he thinks about bedtime throughout the day as well, but his is with a mix of hope and frustration, mostly frustration.

 

Nothing is going to change him from wanting sex from his wife. Unless you can somehow start giving it to him more, and willingly (not like, "OK, fine,let's do it, just hurry!"), you will either wind up divorced, or you'll wind up living with him while he cheats on you. (Would you even care if he cheated? I mean, if you don't want him like that, would you really care if he sought it out elsewhere, yet still came home to you?).

 

My point is, this isn't going to end well without some bending on your part. I'm not telling you to bend, and I'm also not defending your H. Just telling you what to be prepared for if you don't acquiesce.

What I actually want is sleep! If I'm exhausted I'm hardly going to want to have sex.

 

It's a vicious cycle; the less sleep I get the less likely I am go want sex and the more likely my husband is to either pressure me to do so, or keep me up at night grinding away at me and groping me.

[BettyDraper]

I'm a country gal who grew up on a property where my dad had a small vineyard. He predominantly grew the Riesling and Chardonnay grape varieties. Growing up to love wine was fait accompli.

 

Shiraz is one of the premier grape varieties used in Australian reds. Our two best known labels, Henschke's Hill of Grace and Penfolds' Grange use the grape variety.

 

If you're looking for a fantastic, bold Australian Shiraz, look no further than these two options - just be prepared to pay through the nose. However, there are many great options we make downunder that won't break the bank!

 

I'm partial to Italian and French reds. Give me a Ripasso or Malbec wine any day.

What do you plan on doing about your marriage, CR?

[Chardonnay Renée]

I'm partial to Italian and French reds. Give me a Ripasso or Malbec wine any day.

What do you plan on doing about your marriage, CR?

 

I don't know. I am in somehwat of a crisis. I definitely think we need marriage counseling. I am booked in next Monday to see my GP as I feel I am suffering from anxiety.

 

I have never suffered from any mental health issues in the past. However, the last two years since getting pregnant and having our twins has been particularly taxing on me.

 

We are doing Christmas at our place this year and that has only exacerbated my feelings of anxiety. Catering for eighteen people, Including my mother-in-law is causing me a lot of stress.

 

Thankfully my gorgeous mum is coming down on the weekend before Christmas to help me prepare as well as babysit. Still, just thinking about how much I have to do is making me feel sick!

 

I think I'll just have to get through Christmas and figure out what I'm going to do in the new year. I have other things I need to focus my time and what little energy I have on.

[elaine567]

Whose idea was it?

Hosting Xmas for 18 people whilst you have 17 month old twins is madness...

[Chardonnay Renée]

Based on your other threads, I think you should be considering separation.

 

But to answer this thread alone... couples can sleep in separate rooms for various reasons (snoring, insomnia, working different shifts, etc) and still have a healthy, intimate relationship. For YOUR reason though, it's not really going to solve the main problem.

 

 

 

I'm worried about you. Did he have sex with you against your will? You do know that marital rape is a legal offence (and rightly so) in Australia, right?

 

Well, just over a week ago I woke up in the middle of the night and my husband was grinding up against me in his sleep. He sleeps naked and I sleep with only my underwear on minus bra.

 

I was sleeping on my side, back towards him, and in his sleep he somehow managed to have his penis wedged high up between my inner thighs. He has his left arm over my shoulder, grabbing my breast while his right hand was down my nickers rubbing my vagina.

 

I struggled a bit and what seemed to last a while, was in reality only about ten or fifteen seconds; I told my husband to stop and in his deep haze, he ejaculated all over my legs before realising what had happened.

 

He got up immediately and angrily stormed into the ensuite. He yelled: "don't say a fu**ing word - I have blue balls constantly because of you so this is one's your head!"

 

I cleaned myself up and told him that I understand that his sexual needs aren't being met, but that putting pressure on me and getting angry doesn't help. He apologised for getting angry and said he's stressed with work work the business.

 

Two days later, I'd gotten the kids to bed, I then went to bed and hubby followed me in. He asked I was "up for some fun" to which I responded that I was too tired. He then said: "if you stop being such a frigid little prude you might actually have fun."

 

I rolled over, ignoring the barb and then he started spooning me. I could immediately feel his penis pushing against me and he again asked. I said no and he was starting to get huffy, reminding me it had been "six days since we last did it!"

 

I angrily pulled down my knickers and said: "just stick it in then, if that's what you really want!" I wasn't sure how that would go down, and he paused for five seconds or so before he penetrated me.

 

In the moments afterwards it felt a bit different from all the other times when I wasn't quite in the mood, but was happy enough to go along with it to placate him and be "the good wife."

 

I felt a little numb while he was pumping away, and also a little sore as he's on the bigger side. I was lying there stiff, with my arms folded when I felt his hand coming over to grab my breast.

 

I held my arms firm, not saying anything, but making it clear that they were 'out of bounds'. He forced his hand up through my arms and started caressing my breasts and nipples. I felt a little ill - I really didn't want my breasts touched.

 

After he finished I just lay there. I had tears pouring down my cheeks. He got up, cleaned himself up and noticed I was visibly upset. He looked at me with frustration and said: "are you f#*king serious! WTF!" before walking back out to the lounge.

 

I didn't even get up to clean myself up. I lay there, sobbing uncontrollably until I fell asleep. By the time I woke up, hubby had already presumably come back to bed, gotten up and left for work.

 

The next night we spoke nothing of the incident, until when I went to bed I decided to wear a bra; the thickest padded cup I could find.

 

When hubby noticed he pulled he strap back fairly hard and asked: "WTF is this?" I said: "That's to keep your wandering hands at bay. And just on that, if you so much as come near me with the hard, slimey thing I'll rip it off and shove it up your arse!"

 

He rolled over, grumbled and said: "You've got fu#*ing issues, woman!" We haven't spoken about any of it since, and he hasn't asked for sex, either.

 

This only happened a couple of days before creating this thread. I actually have been sleeping a bit better since. However, my desire for sex has taken an even bigger nose dive.

[BaileyB]

Well yeah, my desire to have sex with my husband would take a nose dive too if my husband sexually assaulted me.

 

Look CR, you will disagree with me, no doubt. But, what your husband has done to you in absolutely inexcusable and totally unacceptable. You have some big decisions to make - and I'm not talking about whether you will sleep in the spare bedroom or not.

 

How you could stay with a man who is emotionally and sexually abusive toward you - with no care or concern for your feelings, is beyond me...

Edited December 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[Chardonnay Renée]

Are you happy with the idea of marriage and kids right now? Leave the sex thing to the side for a moment...Did having kids and being a wife leave you content and fulfilled or now with year old twins and domesticated life leave you thinking otherwise?

 

You originally posted that sex was 1-2 times a week. How did that go? Are you guys passionate or just going through the motions. Is it love making, or just whammy, bammy?

 

I also agree, no sleep can turn you inside out. Everyone will irritate you. Maybe a spa weekend, no kids and quiet hotel time with sleep masks can reset your clock.

 

As for the needs of your husband. I tend to think that his inconsiderate attitude concerning sex could be helped with some counselling. He is frustrated, and signals are most undoubtedly crossed. If I were him, I would want re-assurance that YOU are safe for him as well. Trying to control you and constantly badgering you is a sign of insecurity...He may have a false sense of maintaining this relationship. Outside help usually can work in these areas. It would be interesting to know a little more of his past..Best of luck.

 

I am very happy with the "idea" of marriage and kids. I always wanted kids and a husband who I could love, cherish and grow old with. I have zero regrets in that regard.

 

The sex can be going through the motions at times, but other times it's great. It just depends on how I am feeling at the time. I do actually initiate sex as well - it's not just hubby wanting it an mw simply obliging.

 

The no sleep thing isn't just hubby's fault at all. It's obviously to do with the boys. My husband has narcolepsy so a bomb could go off next to his head and he wouldn't wake up!

 

It's my duty as a stay-at-home mum to ensure the boys are sorted at night, and to feed them when they were needing to be fed etc. My husband works long hours, so that part of the deal was fine.

 

It's just... no matter what happens or what is my responsibility to sort out, I still need my eight hours of sleep. Continued sleep deprivation has caused me issues and I know I'm not handling things as well as I could emotionally.

 

A lot of issues with my husband may or may not be solved with counseling. My husband is a very intelligent man, which is why I find it hard to reconcile with the notion that our issues are simply down to ignorance on his part.

 

I don't know how much more reassurance my husband would need from me. I do everything to promote happiness and harmony within our family. I carried his babies for the better part of nine months.

 

I have tried to convey that any issue he has with me is down to him. He needs to look at how he treats me if he wants everything to come back favourably in his direction.

 

I can't keep giving and not receiving anything back. He needs to understand his obligations as a husband, too. I don't just want a lifestyle and then be left to my own devices. I want to feel valued and most of all, loved for who I am, not want I can do inside or outside the bedroom.

[GoldenR]

OP -

 

Your husband raped you. Isn't that enough for you to get the f outta there? He's intensifying his abuse of you, and it wouldn't surprise me if in a week/month/whatever, he beats you senseless and then brutally rapes you. These things don't go away, they only escalate. Take your kids and leave ASAP.

[BaileyB]

Oh no, your husband is not ignorant... absolutely, I believe that he knows exactly what he is doing. He wants exactly what he wants, when he wants it. And, he's prepared to do whatever it takes to get it.

 

I would say that it's probably only a matter of time before he cheats. And/or, it's probably only a matter of time before he rapes you again.

 

Respectfully, if anyone is ignorant and not understanding the seriousness of this situation and the possible consequences, it is you. You continue to rationalize and justify his inexcusable behavior.

 

If you think this is still about the exhaustion of being a stay at home more and lack of sleep... Well, that's like complaining that dinner is late when the house is burning down.

 

CR, as one OT to another - please get yourself some counselling. He is behaving badly, but YOU are enabling this to happen. YOU are choosing this for yourself, by staying and engaging in this power struggle... There will be no winners. Only losers. Please, get some individual counselling, and marriage counselling.

Edited December 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[JuneL]

OP: Do you have people you trust and close to you to confide in? I still think it's a good idea to share with your mother. I'm concerned about your mental wellbeing at this point.

[BettyDraper]

 

CR....no amount of financial stability is worth rape, ongoing sexual abuse and emotional abuse. Most counselors will not work with couples in an abusive marriage. They will often refer the abused partner to individual counseling where the focus will be raising self esteem as well as working through codependency.

 

What if your boys were old enough to understand what their father yelled at his mother? Do you want your boys to become abusive like their father?

You live in a prison of material wealth and emotional terror. Free yourself and your boys. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself.

 

If you need inspiration, read "All That Shimmers" by Jade Jaeger. Like you, she was an Australian housewife. She left her millionaire husband because he was emotionally abusive and a serial cheater.

 

Denial and rationalizations will only work for a while, CR. You clearly understand that your marriage is toxic or else you would not have reached out on LS and shared this information with us.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Whose idea was it?

Hosting Xmas for 18 people whilst you have 17 month old twins is madness...

 

It wasn't any one persons idea so much as it was "our turn" to host Christmas. Last year my parents had Christmas lunch at their place.

 

However, because their property is a good two-hour's drive out of town, my mother-in-law whinged and bemoaned "having" to travel "out to the sticks" for Christmas.

 

The year before we had Christmas at my in-laws' house and before that it was my brother-in-law and his wife who hosted Chritmas.

 

So, I guess, the batton has been passed on to me. Also, given that we've moved into our new place within the last two years, this place is the literal definition of a "party home."

 

My father-in-law (who is a wonderful man) has also offered to help. We have an outdoor kitchen setup which is fantastic, but he said he'll bring his Weber along so we didn't stain our cooktop with the garlic sauce he intends to cook the prawns in.

 

My mother is simply an amazing woman and will help out a lot. My sister-in-law is also lovely and will help. She's a not the most perceptive person, but give her a task to do and she works hard.

 

As daunting as it sounds, I won't be left to do it all myself. I will have help and, out of the eighteen people, that's five children - two of which are my boys who'll hardly eat a great deal.

 

I'll get through it. It's just getting my head around it which will be key. Once I get organised, I'm sure I'll be fine. I've already got both of the turkeys and my lovely local butcher will have a big leg of ham with my name on it ready to go.

 

Everything will be all right.

[BettyDraper]

Are you actually planning to play happy families on Christmas Day when you're living with a rapist?

 

Wow CR. I hope you see a therapist soon.

[BaileyB]

 

Everything will be all right.

 

Just sending you a hug. I am also very worried about your emotional wellbeing. I hope you get the help that you need.

[Popsicle]

I think it's bad for a marriage to sleep in separate rooms, but that doesn't mean that you're going to divorce. Plenty of people in sexless marriages who stay married. And really, staying married, regardless of your level of happiness in the marriage, is all that matters.

[Els]

OP, could you at the very least talk to a professional about this? Get a counselor and a legal advisor. Get yourself informed and then make your decisions based on that.

 

I want to stress, again, that rape or sexual assault, even if you are married (and perhaps even more so), is a CRIME. You seem to be in denial about that, talking about celebrating Christmas and whatnot. How would you feel if, many years hence, you saw your child talking happily about celebrating Christmas with a person who was constantly assaulting and abusing them? What kind of example are you planning to provide here?

[MidwestUSA]

I think it's bad for a marriage to sleep in separate rooms, but that doesn't mean that you're going to divorce. Plenty of people in sexless marriages who stay married. And really, staying married, regardless of your level of happiness in the marriage, is all that matters.

 

In this case, I really have to disagree.

[basil67]

In this case, I really have to disagree.

 

I suspect (or at least I hope) Popsicle was being sarcastic.

[MidwestUSA]

I suspect (or at least I hope) Popsicle was being sarcastic.

 

Whew, I certainly hope so!

[Chardonnay Renée]

I am feeling quite overwhelmed by all of the responses here and I'm unsure as to how to proceed. As mentioned previously, I have an appointment booked with my GP next week as I am feeling rather anxious.

 

There is no way I will be making any rash decisions and leaving just yet. I won't be ruining Christmas by doing anything that will undermine what will be a great day for everyone. I need more time to think.

 

I know things have reached a head and I know that my husband feels he's in the wrong as he has backed off completely.

 

Yes, I am upset about his actions. However, I am unsure and very uncomfortable about using the term "rapist" to define his actions. Technically I did consent, after all...

 

I thank you all for your feedback and please know that I have read and will consider all of the advice offered moving forward.

 

Warm wishes and best regards,

 

Renée.

[GoldenR]

You didn't consent. It was angry sarcasm. Had my wife told me that same thing, I'd have backed off quickly, then apologized.

[chinadiary]

I find it very disturbing that anyone would tolerate that amount of abuse in order to keep a lifestyle/life/relationship.

 

I completely accept that it is your choice and of course, you have the right to make your own choices. But is it sustainable, long term? And it probably isn't affecting your children too much now, they're too young to understand, but long term? That is not a healthy model to bring children into.

[chinadiary]

You didn't consent. It was angry sarcasm. Had my wife told me that same thing, I'd have backed off quickly, then apologized.

 

 

Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.

[elaine567]

Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.

 

I am sure GoldenR is a lovely guy, but this is not about being "nice", this is about being "normal", nothing about what CR's husband does is "normal".

[BaileyB]

Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.

 

Indeed. Most men, would not have taken that as consent to have sex. Most men, would have immediately backed off and shown concern for their partner's emotional distress. The fact that he didn't do either, is very concerning.

 

I'm sure this discussion is very overwhelming. I do hope that you are able to find a counsellor or talk with your mother to help you to process all that has happened.