What a difference three months makes

[Popsicle]

Whew, I certainly hope so!

 

My point was that married people often find that whatever it is that they are complaining about is not so bad when given the option of divorce.

[BettyDraper]

I am feeling quite overwhelmed by all of the responses here and I'm unsure as to how to proceed. As mentioned previously, I have an appointment booked with my GP next week as I am feeling rather anxious.

 

There is no way I will be making any rash decisions and leaving just yet. I won't be ruining Christmas by doing anything that will undermine what will be a great day for everyone. I need more time to think.

 

I know things have reached a head and I know that my husband feels he's in the wrong as he has backed off completely.

 

Yes, I am upset about his actions. However, I am unsure and very uncomfortable about using the term "rapist" to define his actions. Technically I did consent, after all...

 

I thank you all for your feedback and please know that I have read and will consider all of the advice offered moving forward.

 

Warm wishes and best regards,

 

Renée.

 

Since you mentioned that you hate confrontation, that ties into your refusal to acknowledge that you are being abused. Your husband did rape you whether you want to accept it or not. He is also an emotional abuser.

 

You're feeling anxious because you are not safe at home. CR, you're an intelligent woman. I believe that you are aware of what is occurring in your marriage. If you "technically consented", you would not have shared that the incident left a bad taste in your mouth and made you cry.

 

Sadly, you don't want to come to terms with it because it would mean giving up the comfortable lifestyle which you are willing to be abused for.

[Els]

Gives me hope, that there are some nice guys around.

 

I'm glad that the poster you quoted isn't an abuser (unlike the OP's husband), but usually it requires more than "don't rape/abuse" to be considered "nice", lol. I honestly think that the vast majority of non-psychopathic men would have backed off at that point. To carry on is indicative that he doesn't have the sort of boundaries that normal, non-abusive people have.

[basil67]

Renee, even if you can't view the angry incident as rape, surely you can't deny that the other incidents were sexual assault.

 

I'm not buying that your husband was asleep when he was groping you during the night. Groping while asleep (at least to the extent you have described here) only ever seems to happen to entitled men.

 

And then there was the groping of your boobs even though you'd made it VERY clear that this is off limits.

 

The way he treats you is not OK. And I'm not just talking sex here. Even the 'fun police' comments about your parenting are beyond rude.

[BaileyB]

There is no doubt in my mind that he is guilty of sexual assault. And, the comments about being the "fun police" are beyond rude - those and the other statements he has made in the moment are emotionally abusive.

 

And, I think part of the difficulty here is accepting more than the potential loss of a lifestyle. Renee has said it before... it is the loss of the marriage and the life she imagined and thought she would have with this man -raising children, growing older together, having to tell your friends and family that your marriage to this guy who everyone "admires" is not all that they think it is... that's a lot to wrap your mind around and it's a lot to let go...

[GoldenR]

I'm not buying that your husband was asleep when he was groping you during the night. Groping while asleep (at least to the extent you have described here) only ever seems to happen to entitled men.

 

This ^^^^

 

It just doesn't happen like you said.

[GoldenR]

My point was that married people often find that whatever it is that they are complaining about is not so bad when given the option of divorce.

 

Like rape?

[elaine567]

One of the tricks abusive men will often play is to be "wonderful" and "charming" and "so nice" to the victim's family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, acquaintances, etc.. in fact to anyone that "matters"

So much so that when the victim starts showing the mental signs of abuse, ie anxiety, nervousness, depression, anger, rage, unpredictability, instability, personality change or any of the other signs of being chronically abused, the "charming man" will persuade all and sundry that the victim is going "mad" and that he is just such a wonderful human being for sticking by her...

She becomes more and more socially isolated as the family and friends start losing patience with her, and he convinces the victim that she is better off without them with some well placed comments and criticisms, and so he thus engineers total control of the situation.

Edited December 8, 2017 by elaine567

[Cullenbohannon]

You have painted your husband in such a bad light, that all you will hear is "jerk" "abusive" "sex pest" "perverted" and now "rapist".

 

Asking for any advice on saving your marriage/sex life is now pointless.

 

Based on your side of the story, the only advice left is to move into the spare bedroom, in another city.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[Ruby Slippers]

It's kind of unbelievable that people are insisting stubbornly upon applying labels to the events, like "rapist". As if being "right" is what really matters here. She told him to go ahead with it, and he did.

 

That said, if I'd known the extent of the story earlier, I certainly wouldn't have made the suggestion I did.

 

One thing that's clear about your situation is you have a very messed up dynamic that's playing out through sex.

 

I agree that your situation goes beyond the armchair psychology skills on this board and warrants professional counsel.

[basil67]

It's kind of unbelievable that people are insisting stubbornly upon applying labels to the events, like "rapist". As if being "right" is what really matters here. She told him to go ahead with it, and he did.

 

It was a statement she made in anger. It was not permission to have sex in any way, shape or form.

 

But even if we pretend she was giving him permission that one time, it doesn't negate the separate sexual assaults committed by him recently. And to make it worse, he's not at all remorseful.

 

He is a very bad man.

[BaileyB]

It's kind of unbelievable that people are insisting stubbornly upon applying labels to the events, like "rapist". As if being "right" is what really matters here. She told him to go ahead with it, and he did.

 

It's kind of unbelievable that you do not see the seriousness of what has occurred in this home. What she said is not consent. To sexually assault your wife and leave her crying in her bed is not acceptable.

 

Call it what you will, he has done some very, very bad things to the person he is supposed to love and care for the most in is world. And, he shows no remorse or concern for his wife. Unacceptable.

[Chardonnay Renée]

My husband has gone for the weekend to some motorsport festival thing in the city with his mates and is staying the night in his apartment.

 

I couldn't sleep last night as my mind has been racing. I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I am terrified about the future.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel sick in my stomach after having already vomited twice. I am shaking and feeling so sad, stressed, confused and anxious.

 

I don't have the energy to chase these kids around the house all day. They need me so I will always find the strength from within to serve their needs - but it's just hard!

 

I can't even talk to my mum, who's usually a two-hour drive away, but is in fact currently thousands of kilometres away on a cruise ship somewhere in the Pacific.

 

I want to reach out to some of my friends, but I don't really want to tell anyone what has happened. It's seemingly much easier telling strangers on the internet than friends in real life.

 

I know you all will just say I'm stupid, but I love my husband. He has done bad things to me; mistreated me on many occasions, but I still love him. I don't just have a switch that I can flick on and off.

 

I just wish my husband could respect me a little more and show some care and compassion towards my needs. I don't think that I'm expecting too much at all, really.

 

I don't even consider myself a high maintenance female. Sure, like all girls I do appreciate the finer things in life; material possessions are not what I need for happiness, though.

 

My husband doesn't realise how many gold diggers there are out there who'd do anything just for his money. Then there's me; I'd do anything just to feel loved and appreciated by him!

 

It's been a slow but steady transition from what was once a great partnership into one where, anything I used to offer is now seen as surplus to requirements.

 

I feel totally taken for granted. Honestly, I feel like the only value I bring to this relationship from my husband's perspective is being a babysitter and sperm receptacle.

 

I have done everything right by my husband, so to be treated this way is honestly heartbreaking. My heart is truly broken and I don't think I could ever trust another man again!

Edited December 9, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[basil67]

I just wish my husband could respect me a little more and show some care and compassion towards my needs. I don't think that I'm expecting too much at all, really.

 

I'm sorry Renee, but you are expecting too much if you want respect, care and compassion from this man. From your posts over the years, it's clear that he places himself as number one in his life and doesn't care about others. From the way he behaves on the road to refusing to attend a wedding because it clashes with football, it's all about him. He's the epitome of entitled.

 

Telling someone about what's going on is difficult because it makes it real. Perhaps you're not ready for it to be real yet?

[Els]

It's kind of unbelievable that people are insisting stubbornly upon applying labels to the events, like "rapist". As if being "right" is what really matters here.

 

Are you serious? Yes, when it comes to things like sexual assault and abuse, "being right" does kind of matter. That's like saying "why are you all so insistent on calling him a violent abuser when all he did was punch her in the face?". The answer - because it's true, and because it demonstrates the gravity of the situation the OP is in.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I'm sorry Renee, but you are expecting too much if you want respect, care and compassion from this man. From your posts over the years, it's clear that he places himself as number one in his life and doesn't care about others. From the way he behaves on the road to refusing to attend a wedding because it clashes with football, it's all about him. He's the epitome of entitled.

 

Telling someone about what's going on is difficult because it makes it real. Perhaps you're not ready for it to be real yet?

He's also my husband and it's my basic right as a wife to expect that! That's why I'm so upset! Why is it too much to expect!? Why did he woo me in the beginning, put a ring on me only to treat me like a piece of meat!?

 

You know what? He's right now undoubtedly drinking some expensive single malt whiskey, smooching with those other white collared pigs he calls 'mates' in some swanky city beer garden.

 

I bet he's being all charming and flirtatious with some of the dolled up girls at that event. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out he has drug-fuelled romps at his apartment with some tart he meets at those after parties.

 

Hell, if I found out he'd been doing lines of coke off the chest of some tramp he picked up tonight he'd be doing me a big favour. It'd make booting his arse out a lot easier as there'd be tangible evidence for why I'm cutting ties with him.

 

Can you believe that before he purchased the the city apartment he used to get a cab or Uber home at all hours of the night, and on one particular Sunday morning at 4.53am, he staggered inside as drunk as anything and ranting about the "f#*wit cabbie?"

 

He was furious that when he asked the cab driver to pull over on the freeway because he was "busting for a piss", the driver gave him attitude about it being unsafe to pull over where he wanted him to.

 

The driver suggested that my husband hold on for a couple of kilometres until there was a proper turn in and my husband said: "listen here, champ! I'm paying your ****ing wage right now so if I want you to pull over so I can have a piss RIGHT NOW, then you're gonna pull the f*#k over RIGHT NOW so I can take my piss.

 

When the cab driver dropped him home he told the driver "to enjoy your last shift as you won't have a job once I'm finished with you." I actually told him he should let it go and pleaded with him to not ring the cab company as the guy was probably just doing his job.

 

Truth be known, it's not the cab or Uber drivers who've put him off the fifteen kilometre commute from the city to home, it's the lure of "continuing the party upstairs" when he's off at one of these event. You know, I haven't actually been in this apartment in the months that he's owned it? And, quite frankly, I don't really care to go in it!

 

I'm over everything. I'm over that arsehole treating me like ****. I'm over that f#*king mother of his constantly belittling me and getting off on making me feel uncomfortable. Unlike her husband (my father-in-law) who can get away for months at a time with his work, I can't ever get away from either of these toxic individuals for more than a day!

 

I'm really over it all. I'm over feeling sad, anxious, upset and angry. I'm a good person and would never do anything mean to anyone else. I know that I deserve better than what I'm currently getting out of this relationship. I know I don't deserve to be treated like a piece of crap.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[BaileyB]

He's also my husband and it's my basic right as a wife to expect that! That's why I'm so upset! Why is it too much to expect!? Why did he woo me in the beginning, put a ring on me only to treat me like a piece of meat!? .

 

No, of course it's your basic human right as a wife to expect that your husband will treat you with respect, care, and compassion. What we are saying is, you husband has clearly demonstrated that he does not treat you with respect, care, and compassion... He has clearly demonstrated that it is all about him and that you are expected to cater to him. Which is why, it is not realistic to expect these things from him and/or to expect that he will ever change.

 

It's like, taking a lion home and expecting him not to roar and not to attack you. It's not in the lion's nature to be gentle and loving.

 

And now, we know where your husband has learned that it is acceptable to treat another person the way he does... He has lived this, and learned from his mother, his entire life... The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

Renee, I am worried about you. Keep posting, if this is helpful to you. But, if there is a friend, someone that you can trust, I would suggest that you call them. And, I am glad that you have that appointment with your doctor this week. Please, as for a referral for individual counselling... don't feel badly about asking for the support that you need.

[BettyDraper]

He's also my husband and it's my basic right as a wife to expect that! That's why I'm so upset! Why is it too much to expect!? Why did he woo me in the beginning, put a ring on me only to treat me like a piece of meat!?

 

You know what? He's right now undoubtedly drinking some expensive single malt whiskey, smooching with those other white collared pigs he calls 'mates' in some swanky city beer garden.

 

I bet he's being all charming and flirtatious with some of the dolled up girls at that event. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out he has drug-fuelled romps at his apartment with some tart he meets at those after parties.

 

Hell, if I found out he'd been doing lines of coke off the chest of some tramp he picked up tonight he'd be doing me a big favour. It'd make booting his arse out a lot easier as there'd be tangible evidence for why I'm cutting ties with him.

 

Can you believe that before he purchased the the city apartment he used to get a cab or Uber home at all hours of the night, and on one particular Sunday morning at 4.53am, he staggered inside as drunk as anything and ranting about the "f#*wit cabbie?"

 

He was furious that when he asked the cab driver to pull over on the freeway because he was "busting for a piss", the driver gave him attitude about it being unsafe to pull over where he wanted him to.

 

The driver suggested that my husband hold on for a couple of kilometres until there was a proper turn in and my husband said: "listen here, champ! I'm paying your ****ing wage right now so if I want you to pull over so I can have a piss RIGHT NOW, then you're gonna pull the f*#k over RIGHT NOW so I can take my piss.

 

When the cab driver dropped him home he told the driver "to enjoy your last shift as you won't have a job once I'm finished with you." I actually told him he should let it go and pleaded with him to not ring the cab company as the guy was probably just doing his job.

 

Truth be known, it's not the cab or Uber drivers who've put him off the fifteen kilometre commute from the city to home, it's the lure of "continuing the party upstairs" when he's off at one of these event. You know, I haven't actually been in this apartment in the months that he's owned it? And, quite frankly, I don't really care to go in it!

 

I'm over everything. I'm over that arsehole treating me like ****. I'm over that f#*king mother of his constantly belittling me and getting off on making me feel uncomfortable. Unlike her husband (my father-in-law) who can get away for months at a time with his work, I can't ever get away from either of these toxic individuals for more than a day!

 

I'm really over it all. I'm over feeling sad, anxious, upset and angry. I'm a good person and would never do anything mean to anyone else. I know that I deserve better than what I'm currently getting out of this relationship. I know I don't deserve to be treated like a piece of crap.

 

Basil67 is talking about expecting kind treatment from your husband in particular due to his personality and behavior. Of course a wife should be treated lovingly by her husband, CR. It's just that your husband is not a good man so he isn't going to treat you well. Success changed him into a narcissistic abuser.

 

So your husband does hard drugs too? My word....I don't know why you want to grow old with this man. He's an awful person. Do you really want a cheating cokehead around your children? The reason why I kept saying that you're staying for your lifestyle is I don't see why else you would want to be with such an awful person. I know you say that you love him but there is nothing here to love. Many women stay with abusive husbands for financial reasons so I don't judge you for that.

 

Your husband treats you like a piece of meat because he knows that you will allow him to mistreat you and he doesn't respect women. Look at the woman who raised him, CR.

 

I don't know why rape and the use of hard drugs isn't enough evidence for you. I bet he didn't even consult you about getting an apartment in the city. I wouldn't be on board with my husband doing that because having a residence away from home is almost always in order to facilitate cheating.

 

Look, my husband hasn't always been as wonderful to me as he is now. He used to constantly shift blame and break promises with the lame excuse of "I didn't get around to it." He also made very insensitive and inappropriate comments. I became very cold and withdrawn. At one point, I actually left and went to a friend's house for a few days to clear my head and get a break from the stress. I also told my husband that I was quite finished with dealing with his selfishness and inability to take responsibility for his behavior. I informed him of what I would be expecting from the divorce. Luckily, that was enough to give my husband the kick up the backside that he needed. I'm still angry that it often takes drastic actions for my husband to make changes.

 

I'm glad that you realize that you deserve better. Now use that knowledge to fuel your filing for divorce. We're all rooting for you here. *hug*

[treehugger12]

Twice a week would be a big stretch. As I said previously, it's one-to-two times a week, max! In reality it's more like one in every five days on average.

 

If I move into the spare room I do hope it sends a message. However, sending a message is not my primary objective. What I want is sleep, and I hope he gets that my decision would be to obtain more sleep and these are the measures I feel I need to take.

 

I have told my husband on many occasions that harassing and groping is a turn off. He'll stop for a night and if we don't have sex the following night he will huff and puff and make it known he's grumpy.

 

He says he gets so horny in his sleep because I don't have sex with him enough. He says he wakes up in the night with an erection and just wants to make love to me. He says he can't get enough of my body.

 

Sure, it's nice to be desired. But it's also nice to be respected and have my boundaries respected, too.

 

I would suggest getting him a blow up doll for Christmas! He sounds like he’s only thinking of himself, now start thinking of yourself and go get some sleep!

[JuneL]

(((Hugs)))

 

Reading your story is truly heartbreaking. Please promise to talk to your mother when you see her; maybe she has sensed something already. It is really hard just to deal with the mistreatments by your husband and his mother, but it must be even harder to try to live up to others expectations of having the perfect life.

 

I do believe that your husband did truly love and respect you before his business took off; now that he has money, he probably has realized there are other possibilities and options...

 

How often does he hang out in his city apartment? I would be surprised if he doesn't cheat (and he will probably blame that on your lower sex drive).

 

The more I read about your story, the more I feel your marriage is doomed, unless you are happy being a trophy wife. And I get the impression there are other things you haven't told us.

[BettyDraper]

I agree. CR, please open up to your mother. Maybe she can help you get away from your husband.

I know you want to stay with him and I understand why. It's just that your safety and mental health are more important.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Basil67 is talking about expecting kind treatment from your husband in particular due to his personality and behavior. Of course a wife should be treated lovingly by her husband, CR. It's just that your husband is not a good man so he isn't going to treat you well. Success changed him into a narcissistic abuser.

 

So your husband does hard drugs too? My word....I don't know why you want to grow old with this man. He's an awful person. Do you really want a cheating cokehead around your children? The reason why I kept saying that you're staying for your lifestyle is I don't see why else you would want to be with such an awful person. I know you say that you love him but there is nothing here to love. Many women stay with abusive husbands for financial reasons so I don't judge you for that.

 

Your husband treats you like a piece of meat because he knows that you will allow him to mistreat you and he doesn't respect women. Look at the woman who raised him, CR.

 

I don't know why rape and the use of hard drugs isn't enough evidence for you. I bet he didn't even consult you about getting an apartment in the city. I wouldn't be on board with my husband doing that because having a residence away from home is almost always in order to facilitate cheating.

 

Look, my husband hasn't always been as wonderful to me as he is now. He used to constantly shift blame and break promises with the lame excuse of "I didn't get around to it." He also made very insensitive and inappropriate comments. I became very cold and withdrawn. At one point, I actually left and went to a friend's house for a few days to clear my head and get a break from the stress. I also told my husband that I was quite finished with dealing with his selfishness and inability to take responsibility for his behavior. I informed him of what I would be expecting from the divorce. Luckily, that was enough to give my husband the kick up the backside that he needed. I'm still angry that it often takes drastic actions for my husband to make changes.

 

I'm glad that you realize that you deserve better. Now use that knowledge to fuel your filing for divorce. We're all rooting for you here. *hug*

 

He admitted to me that he used all kinds of stuff when he was at Uni (college). I'm not going to hold that against him; we all used *some* stuff back in those days, even if it was just smoking a bit of pot in my case.

 

My husband has narcolepsy and has been using dexamphetamine for years. It's a controlled drug and prescribed only by his doctor. He admitted to me a few years later that, when we met, he frequently supplemented his dex usage with speed.

 

He said that speed helped him stay awake and ultimately resulted in him building his business quicker. He said he needed any edge he could find back when his business was merely a fledgling start-up.

 

He promised me that he doesn't use speed any more, as the business is now at a level and pace that he's comfortably managing, while growth pretty much takes care of itself.

 

I did hear rumours from another wife of one his business colleagues that some of the hosts of these functions have a "smorgasbord of whatever is your poison" to "the right people."

 

I have never seen drugs in my house. My husband has NEVER taken drugs in the house. I can't ever remember him coming home in any state other than drunk. However, now with his apartment in the city, I guess I'm unsure as to what he's up to.

 

It's starting to feel like a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street. Things escalated with Leo DiCaprio's caharacter, Jordan Belfort. And, just like that individual, my husband seems to be heading down that sort of path.

 

I just wish I had the same kind of spirit and fight as Margot Robbie.

[BettyDraper]

He admitted to me that he used all kinds of stuff when he was at Uni (college). I'm not going to hold that against him; we all used *some* stuff back in those days, even if it was just smoking a bit of pot in my case.

 

My husband has narcolepsy and has been using dexamphetamine for years. It's a controlled drug and prescribed only by his doctor. He admitted to me a few years later that, when we met, he frequently supplemented his dex usage with speed.

 

He said that speed helped him stay awake and ultimately resulted in him building his business quicker. He said he needed any edge he could find back when his business was merely a fledgling start-up.

 

He promised me that he doesn't use speed any more, as the business is now at a level and pace that he's comfortably managing, while growth pretty much takes care of itself.

 

I did hear rumours from another wife of one his business colleagues that some of the hosts of these functions have a "smorgasbord of whatever is your poison" to "the right people."

 

I have never seen drugs in my house. My husband has NEVER taken drugs in the house. I can't ever remember him coming home in any state other than drunk. However, now with his apartment in the city, I guess I'm unsure as to what he's up to.

 

It's starting to feel like a scene from The Wolf of Wall Street. Things escalated with Leo DiCaprio's caharacter, Jordan Belfort. And, just like that individual, my husband seems to be heading down that sort of path.

 

I just wish I had the same kind of spirit and fight as Margot Robbie.

 

In real life, Jordan and Nadine did drugs together.

Thanks for clearing up the drug use question. I thought your husband was doing hard drugs because you mentioned cocaine.

 

If you are unsure about what happens in that apartment and you're curious, I would recommend showing up there unannounced. Did your husband discuss buying that apartment with you? If so, what was your response?

 

I think your spirit and courage is building up inside you. You're the only person who can decide what your limit is.

[Chardonnay Renée]

In real life, Jordan and Nadine did drugs together.

Thanks for clearing up the drug use question. I thought your husband was doing hard drugs because you mentioned cocaine.

 

If you are unsure about what happens in that apartment and you're curious, I would recommend showing up there unannounced. Did your husband discuss buying that apartment with you? If so, what was your response?

 

I think your spirit and courage is building up inside you. You're the only person who can decide what your limit is.

 

Sorry, I was a bit unclear with what I said. I was upset and ranting a bit. I was just saying that it wouldn't surprise me. He has done cocaine in the past, but according to him that was before I was around.

 

My husband mentioned that he wanted to buy an apartment when he could afford it a number of years back. He said that when we have kids, he wanted the option of starting work late, then finishing late and sleeping there.

 

He also said that it'd be easier and a novelty if we want to spend the night in the city, have a few drinks and not have the hassle of getting a cab home from the city.

 

I said the idea was "cool", but nothing more was said about it for a while. Then, one day about eight months ago he mentioned that he'd bought an apartment in one of new apartment buildings just built in the city.

 

I'm like: "Yeah, okay. When were you planning to tell me this?" He said: "Well, that would be right now, hence I'm telling you now." I just said "whatever" and didn't really ask any more. I've been fairly ambivalent about it.

 

My feelings were that if we had a night out in the city, we'd be staying in his apartment, not our apartment. It's his baby and I couldn't help but feel like I'd be a guest staying the night. I don't really like that idea at all!

 

He's only recently signed the settlement and taken the keys in the last couple of months since the building's completion. From the pics he sent me, it looks stunning. However, I do feel an emotional detachment from it. It's not really mine at all.

[Dolfin80]

Abusers deprived their victims of sleep in order to control them more. Its a common abuse tactic such as minimizing, gaslighting and passive aggressive comments. You are being horrifically abused sexually and emotionally. It was white ribbon day here in Australia and i thought about you. You need to call a domestic violence hotline to get help. They will help you get counselling & accomodation. He is full on sexually assulting you. I would be contacting the police and getting an AVO immediately. Im in Sydney there will be support for you in Adelaide.