What a difference three months makes

[BettyDraper]

I definitely am. I've been all over the place the last few days. I go through phases of being so upset I can't stop crying. Then I get really mad and just want to start smashing things. Then I get so scared and stressed I feel sick.

 

When my husband came home last night he knew something was up. He knew I was angry at him. He prettt much left me alone. For the first time in a while he went to bed before me. He left this morning and I haven't spoken to him since.

 

I want to have couple's therapy and perhaps individual therapy as well. I will see my doctor tonight and discuss my anxiety. I've never been prescribed medication for this kind i of thing before, but if he thinks I'll need some anti-anxiety medication then I'll take them.

 

I don't want to leave befotlre the new year and I want to at least have a go at salvaging something. It may be futile, but for my own conscience I want to be certain that I have explored every option available before splitting our family in half.

 

It doesn't sound like your husband was pressuring you for sex again. If I'm right, then at least that is a step in the right direction even though that doesn't excuse his past behavior.

 

Be warned that it can be very difficult to stop taking psychotropic medications once you start. Medications can be very helpful though.

 

If your husband is willing to go to couples therapy, are you going to mention the sexual assaults?

 

Individual therapy would be wonderful if you can find the right therapist. I can understand why you want to salvage your marriage despite your husband's abusive actions. Most couples want their children to grow up with both parents in the home.

[sandylee1]

One thing with men like your husband is that they think it's a simple matter of sex when they want....without putting in any effort to make you feel in the mood or add any romance to it.

 

It seems like his sexual satisfaction is his only thought...especially where he wants oral during your period and to finish in your mouth.

 

He's focussing on himself. When you do have sex..is he attentive to your needs? Does he take time to make it good for you? Because it comes across like he sees that he has a right to sex to relieve himself whether you're up for it or not.

 

I find his refusal for the kids to go to nursery quite controlling. It means you just don't get a break from them...not even once a week.

 

Perhaps if you told him having the boys in nursery would help you feel more rested and you'd actually have a bit more energy for sex.

 

On the point of him playing with the boys before you settle them..

Tell him to settle them after he plays with them.

 

I hated maternity leave because my husband thought it was a holiday...

He didn't have a clue how difficult it was.

 

Didn't realise how tiring it was....I'm sure thst had I known about these kind of forums back then...I would have left him or he would have changed with the advice I would have gotten.

 

I don't think you should work for him. If you're getting paid work don't have your husband as your employer. It's not the same as a joint business...it's his.

 

Do you have easy access to money? Does he see it as his money or our money?

[Chardonnay Renée]

It doesn't sound like your husband was pressuring you for sex again. If I'm right, then at least that is a step in the right direction even though that doesn't excuse his past behavior.

 

Be warned that it can be very difficult to stop taking psychotropic medications once you start. Medications can be very helpful though.

 

If your husband is willing to go to couples therapy, are you going to mention the sexual assaults?

 

Individual therapy would be wonderful if you can find the right therapist. I can understand why you want to salvage your marriage despite your husband's abusive actions. Most couples want their children to grow up with both parents in the home.

 

I saw my doc this evening and he's scheduled me in for a longer appointment on Thursday. He wanta to speak to his boss. I didn't go into intimate details but I did say that I'm very stressed with a lot of things.

 

He said there will be a range of options available to me which he will discuss then. He didn't go into it too much other than saying that I may require a psychologists to assess whether I need medication or other treatments.

 

I feel sad that it's come to this. I've always been the happiest, bubbliest person. I'm always positive and spritely - I'm sad that I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this crap. I don't want my boys to grow up seeing their mother a shadow of her former self.

[elaine567]

I feel sad that it's come to this. I've always been the happiest, bubbliest person. I'm always positive and spritely - I'm sad that I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this crap. I don't want my boys to grow up seeing their mother a shadow of her former self.

 

That is the reality of living with an abusive man...

You are now in the hands of doctors and psychologists and you will continue to be as long as you live with him.

 

DO NOT work for him, sandylee1 is correct.

This is HIS business and as he will be your BOSS, then he will just have gained another stick to beat you over the head with.

[Chardonnay Renée]

One thing with men like your husband is that they think it's a simple matter of sex when they want....without putting in any effort to make you feel in the mood or add any romance to it.

 

It seems like his sexual satisfaction is his only thought...especially where he wants oral during your period and to finish in your mouth.

 

He's focussing on himself. When you do have sex..is he attentive to your needs? Does he take time to make it good for you? Because it comes across like he sees that he has a right to sex to relieve himself whether you're up for it or not.

 

I find his refusal for the kids to go to nursery quite controlling. It means you just don't get a break from them...not even once a week.

 

Perhaps if you told him having the boys in nursery would help you feel more rested and you'd actually have a bit more energy for sex.

 

On the point of him playing with the boys before you settle them..

Tell him to settle them after he plays with them.

 

I hated maternity leave because my husband thought it was a holiday...

He didn't have a clue how difficult it was.

 

Didn't realise how tiring it was....I'm sure thst had I known about these kind of forums back then...I would have left him or he would have changed with the advice I would have gotten.

 

I don't think you should work for him. If you're getting paid work don't have your husband as your employer. It's not the same as a joint business...it's his.

 

Do you have easy access to money? Does he see it as his money or our money?

 

My husband has had an interesting upbringing which has shaped his personality in good and bad ways.

 

He grew up in South Africa and was born to an Australian mother and an Afrikaner father. He emigrated to Australia with his family in 1995, a year after the abilition of Apartheid, at the age of fifteen.

 

His parents fled South Africa after my husband was in his grandfather's car, which was carjacked, and which saw his grandfather stabbed with a rusty blade. He died a few days later in hospital from septicemia.

 

My husband required a lot of therapy which was ongoing, including when he moved to Australia. He's fine now as the early intervention was critical to its success, but the whole thing took it out of him for a while.

 

Once he completed school he joined the military where he spent the best part over a decade in, working his way up from soldier to combat officer. So, it's fair to say that he lives his life in a very regimented way.

 

He's quite a controlling person by nature and was very much suited to the armed forces. He can be rigid and inflexible and often doesn't take the needs of others into consideration.

 

Don't get me started again on disallowing me to enroll the boys in day care, even for one day a week! My stupid MIL is forever heckling me about the mere suggestion of it. She won't put her money where her mouth is and help me, though!

 

When we have sex... he's sometimes attentive to my needs. I guess, if we have sex on the weekend like a lazy Sunday morning while the boys are still asleep and we're both up for it, yes.

 

If it's sex during the week when I'm tired, he's horny and I want to just get it over and done with, is a bit ho hum. He does try to satisfy me, however, when he gets the vibe I'm not really in the mood I think he tried to just hurry up and get it over with.

 

As for working for "him", I never saw it that way. I saw it as an opportunity for me to contribute to the family not only financially, but to the growth of the business. I've perhaps latched on to it as an opportunity to hopefully gain some respect from my husband.

 

I do have easy access to money. My husband is not controlling like that. My husband pays himself a salary which goes into our joint account. Let's just say he pays himself handsomely. I have access to the business's account but that is not for personal usage.

Edited December 11, 2017 by Chardonnay Renée

[BettyDraper]

I saw my doc this evening and he's scheduled me in for a longer appointment on Thursday. He wanta to speak to his boss. I didn't go into intimate details but I did say that I'm very stressed with a lot of things.

 

He said there will be a range of options available to me which he will discuss then. He didn't go into it too much other than saying that I may require a psychologists to assess whether I need medication or other treatments.

 

I feel sad that it's come to this. I've always been the happiest, bubbliest person. I'm always positive and spritely - I'm sad that I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this crap. I don't want my boys to grow up seeing their mother a shadow of her former self.

 

*hug* I think anyone in your situation would be sad. Your reaction is normal.

 

I wish your MIL would shut up. It's as if she wants to run your house. What an intrusive and rude woman. Your husband should be reining her in.

 

Putting your son's in daycare once a week doesn't make you an awful mother. Plenty of children are in daycare five days a week and they are fine. I hate the way society is so quick to lay guilt trips on mothers on matter what they do.

[Dolfin80]

CR can always go back to work and become financially independent again.

Her husband would also owe her child support and alimony. Most people believe the erroneous assumption that housewives cannot take care of themselves in the event of divorce. The smart ones make plans ahead of time.

 

I’m a housewife. I have my own savings and investments. My husband would also have to pay me thousands per month in alimony for years.

I will also be returning to university in 2018 which will increase my earning potential should I choose to return to work.

 

Plenty of financially independent women stay in awful marriages. Look at Beyoncé! She’s wealthy in her own right yet she stays with a cheating husband and keeps having more babies.

 

As for CR’s sons , I agree that many women stay in unhappy and abusive marriages because of their children. It’s one of the reasons I’m childfree. If my marriage goes sour, I don’t want to feel trapped because I have children.

 

Alimony doesnt exist in Australia.

[Chardonnay Renée]

*hug* I think anyone in your situation would be sad. Your reaction is normal.

 

I wish your MIL would shut up. It's as if she wants to run your house. What an intrusive and rude woman. Your husband should be reining her in.

 

Putting your son's in daycare once a week doesn't make you an awful mother. Plenty of children are in daycare five days a week and they are fine. I hate the way society is so quick to lay guilt trips on mothers on matter what they do.

 

Yes, well... the less said about that woman the better! She's a nasty, manipulative and controlling bully with nothing better to do than impose her own, outdated, conservative views on anyone and everyone she comes into contact with.

 

She's always picking on people for the smallest things. When I put on 12 kilograms after having the boys, she pinched my belly and made a jibe about my "skinfolds." When I contracted mastitis and could no longer breast feed the boys (which was at around six-to- seven weeks after giving birth) she gave me so much crap for ages!

 

And, on thr topic of breastfeeding; if any woman breastfeeds in public - OMG does she go on about it! She's had shots at various family members at family gatherings for doing as much. From turning her nose up to passive-aggressive and even overt shots, she's hands-down the most unbearable person I've had to deal with.

 

I find this woman to be just awful all round. I'm honestly terrified of her. I'm only 5'5" and a very slim build while she's 5'10" and built like Xena. Honestly, she reminds me of a seventy-year-old version of Lucy Lawless. She likes to be imposing and intimidating to both women and men, too.

 

If we break up, OMG she is probably going to drive me to such a state that even a mental asylum won't know what to do with me! She's really that bad! There's no way I could stay living in the same house if we broke up; even if she didn't pester me constantly, which she will, but even if she didn't I'd always be thinking it'll happen "any minute now."

[Chardonnay Renée]

Alimony doesnt exist in Australia.

 

No, but we do have spousal maintenance.

[Dolfin80]

No, but we do have spousal maintenance.

 

My friend doesnt get that, she divorced her abusive ex & had to return to full time work to pay the mortgage & feed her two sons. He had his own business and rote everything off in tax so on paper he earnt little, gives her nothing for the children.

[BettyDraper]

Alimony doesnt exist in Australia.

 

It’s called maintenance. CR said that upthread.

[Chardonnay Renée]

It’s called maintenance. CR said that upthread.

 

The laws which govern spousal maintenance in Australia are different to the one's which govern alimony in the U.S. I know that the alimony laws in each state can differ greatly, too.

 

However, maintenance can be easily circumvented through other means as Donlfin80 said. I think alimony is more clear cut in that way. Maintenance has to go through, and is determined by, the family court system.

[BettyDraper]

My friend doesnt get that, she divorced her abusive ex & had to return to full time work to pay the mortgage & feed her two sons. He had his own business and rote everything off in tax so on paper he earnt little, gives her nothing for the children.

 

I’m sure there are forensic accountants down under which CR can hire.

[Chardonnay Renée]

So, my husband came home this evening and I told him that things have to change or we are finished. As the point of the thread goes, I informed him that I'd be sleeping in the spare room for the time being. I also said that we are going to get marriage counselling which I will organise in the new year.

 

I informed him that I've seen my doctor and that I may need individual therapy with a psychologist, but more would be revealed after Thursday. I told him how the constant pressure he puts on me for sex is doing damage and that recent events have left me feeling very cold and distant emotionally.

 

I explained how sad and lonely I feel. I explained how I feel trapped in a life where, between he and his mother, I'm bullied and emotionally abused to the point where I'm losing my sense of self. I told him that I'm worried I'll turn into something that I'm not because of all this stress and that our boys will grow up knowing their mother to be someone different than I believe I naturally am.

 

At the point when I started talking about the boys I became very overwhelmed emotionally. I couldn't contain myself and my husband consoled me. I asked him to give me some feeeback about what I said because he was pretty much saying nothing. He then said: "I'm not going to get into this right now as you're being hysterical and anything I say will just piss you off more."

 

Well, I lost it at him! I abused him and told him to get the f#*k out of my face. I was so angry and upset. He didn't give a s#^t about trying to make me feel better. He didn't give me any indication that he understood how I was feeling; he just answered me with a smug face and a condescending demeanour.

 

I probably overreacted, but I felt like after everything he's done to me, how he's treated me and how he let's his mother cause me psychological trauma that he could have at least tried to meet me half way and reassure me that he wants to work to fix things. He either doesn't give a **** or just doesn't know how to change. Either way, I'm pretty much at my limit!

 

/rant

[Cullenbohannon]

Wow. Did you strike him? Horrible behaviour. On both sides.

[Popsicle]

So, my husband came home this evening and I told him that things have to change or we are finished. As the point of the thread goes, I informed him that I'd be sleeping in the spare room for the time being. I also said that we are going to get marriage counselling which I will organise in the new year.

 

I informed him that I've seen my doctor and that I may need individual therapy with a psychologist, but more would be revealed after Thursday. I told him how the constant pressure he puts on me for sex is doing damage and that recent events have left me feeling very cold and distant emotionally.

 

I explained how sad and lonely I feel. I explained how I feel trapped in a life where, between he and his mother, I'm bullied and emotionally abused to the point where I'm losing my sense of self. I told him that I'm worried I'll turn into something that I'm not because of all this stress and that our boys will grow up knowing their mother to be someone different than I believe I naturally am.

 

At the point when I started talking about the boys I became very overwhelmed emotionally. I couldn't contain myself and my husband consoled me. I asked him to give me some feeeback about what I said because he was pretty much saying nothing. He then said: "I'm not going to get into this right now as you're being hysterical and anything I say will just piss you off more."

 

Well, I lost it at him! I abused him and told him to get the f#*k out of my face. I was so angry and upset. He didn't give a s#^t about trying to make me feel better. He didn't give me any indication that he understood how I was feeling; he just answered me with a smug face and a condescending demeanour.

 

I probably overreacted, but I felt like after everything he's done to me, how he's treated me and how he let's his mother cause me psychological trauma that he could have at least tried to meet me half way and reassure me that he wants to work to fix things. He either doesn't give a **** or just doesn't know how to change. Either way, I'm pretty much at my limit!

 

/rant

 

I gotta say CR... I've been skeptical of your story up until I read this. Now I believe you. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Leave him!

[Popsicle]

Wow. Did you strike him? Horrible behaviour. On both sides.

 

 

True but I'm pretty sure husband was/is never going to budge anyway.

She can be sweet as pie or mean as bulldog, it won't matter. The outcome (her outcome) will still be the same.

[BettyDraper]

I gotta say CR... I've been skeptical of your story up until I read this. Now I believe you. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Leave him!

 

Why wouldn’t you believe her?

It’s damaging to tell an abuse victim that you don’t believe them when they share their painful stories. It’s another way of victimizing them.

[BettyDraper]

Wow. Did you strike him? Horrible behaviour. On both sides.

 

I would strongly encourage you to read this whole thread and CR’s other threads before criticizing her behaviour. Abuse is always wrong but CR has been abused for a long time by her husband so if she struck him, I can at least understand why she lashed out even if she definitely should not hit her husband. A person can only take so much.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry Renee.

[BettyDraper]

So, my husband came home this evening and I told him that things have to change or we are finished. As the point of the thread goes, I informed him that I'd be sleeping in the spare room for the time being. I also said that we are going to get marriage counselling which I will organise in the new year.

 

I informed him that I've seen my doctor and that I may need individual therapy with a psychologist, but more would be revealed after Thursday. I told him how the constant pressure he puts on me for sex is doing damage and that recent events have left me feeling very cold and distant emotionally.

 

I explained how sad and lonely I feel. I explained how I feel trapped in a life where, between he and his mother, I'm bullied and emotionally abused to the point where I'm losing my sense of self. I told him that I'm worried I'll turn into something that I'm not because of all this stress and that our boys will grow up knowing their mother to be someone different than I believe I naturally am.

 

At the point when I started talking about the boys I became very overwhelmed emotionally. I couldn't contain myself and my husband consoled me. I asked him to give me some feeeback about what I said because he was pretty much saying nothing. He then said: "I'm not going to get into this right now as you're being hysterical and anything I say will just piss you off more."

 

Well, I lost it at him! I abused him and told him to get the f#*k out of my face. I was so angry and upset. He didn't give a s#^t about trying to make me feel better. He didn't give me any indication that he understood how I was feeling; he just answered me with a smug face and a condescending demeanour.

 

I probably overreacted, but I felt like after everything he's done to me, how he's treated me and how he let's his mother cause me psychological trauma that he could have at least tried to meet me half way and reassure me that he wants to work to fix things. He either doesn't give a **** or just doesn't know how to change. Either way, I'm pretty much at my limit!

 

/rant

 

I’m sorry sweetheart. I was hoping that this discussion with your husband would be more productive and reassuring.

 

Now that you know that your husband doesn’t care how you feel, how do you plan on approaching the problems in your marriage?

[Hecan]

I am so sorry. Praying for you to have strength and to ignite the strong person that you KNOW you are!

[JuneL]

I think it's a good idea to stay in the spare room in the meanwhile just to gain some personal some space. Is there any chance your mother can come help you prepare for the holidays before that weekend?

 

At this point, having good individual therapy (seeing a good psychologist) would be really helpful. Also, this is such a life-changing decision that you are facing, so please take the time to talk things through with your mother.

 

Sending you my very best wishes!

[S2B]

With him being so cold and unfeeling why not just end the marriage?

 

Putting all that work into fixing the M seems futile when he doesn't care how you feel.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I’m sorry sweetheart. I was hoping that this discussion with your husband would be more productive and reassuring.

 

Now that you know that your husband doesn’t care how you feel, how do you plan on approaching the problems in your marriage?

 

I couldn't sleep all night last night. I don't know whether it was due to the unfamiliarity with the different room/bed or all the stress. It was probably a combination of the two.

 

When my husband left this morning for the gym I got up and made myself some camomile tea and sat in the lounge. I wanted to see how he would react to me this morning.

 

When he came back from the gym he said good morning before getting in the shower. I told him I want to speak with him after his shower, before he goes to work. He sighed and said "OK".

 

When he came out I told him that I'm no longer going to accept things the way they are and that he needs to decide whether he is on board with changing things for the better.

 

I was unusually stoic with my delivery. I told him that I'm no longet going to put my heart on the line and fight a cause where I seemingly get nothing back other than my heart returned broken.

 

He looked at me despondently and said that I'm his world along with the boys and that he loves me more than anything and could not live without me. He said that life without me would be unbearable.

 

I asked him why he behaves the way he does if that's how he feels. He said he believes he shows me how much he loves his family all the time by how he provides. He says he takes huge amounts of stress on to "keep the wheels turning."

 

I asked him why he doesn't seem to care about my feelings and bullies me into having sex. He pretty much disagreed completely, saying he's always thinking of me and "has plans" to do nice things but has been too busy in the last few months.

 

He said he's under a lot of pressure himself and he loves me and wants to make love to me. He said he needs sexual release to releive tension and having sex with me makes him feel connected and emotionally bonded.

 

I asked him how he can feel that when he's pretty much coerced me into sex. I asked him how alI can just lie there while he pumps away and how he can get any gratification out of that.

 

At this point he started to get angry. He turned it around on me and said that if I'm going to lie there "like a rigor mortia corpse" then that is my fault. He said it's my fault I'm sex averse because I've got a "closed mind and a **** attitude."

 

He then went on to say that "despite warding off chicks constantly, I've always been faithful to you and this is how you treat me?" He said he has so much sexual tension but thinks I'm being cruel witholding sex, especially since I "know" he could easily get it elsewhere.

 

I told him he should go. I yelled: "Leave! Get out you arsehole." I was furious! I am still furious. I'm prepearing to pack up my car, the boys and leaving. It's 7.30am local time here and I'm going to hit the road and head to my parent's house.

 

My mum is still on her cruise and my father will be on the tractor all day and evening as it's harvest season here. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain everything but I just need to get out of town for a while and clear my head.

 

I'll feel at peace when the last suburb is in my rear vision mirror and I'm on the open highway with two hours ahead of me until I reach my happy place. Home is where heart lies and that sweet country air and familiar smells of country life is better than any therapy.

 

Other than that, I don't know. I'll take things one step at a time.

 

Renée.