wing81 Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 I am debating on next steps I need to take after yet another fight. I know my marriage is toxic and running out of patience. I worry about our children but at the same time feel it would give them a more stress free life without the fighting. Right now I am working, paying all the bills, cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, etc. feel like a single parent already. I know in many cases courts favor the mom and I worry about losing time with my kids. Does anyone have experience as a father in getting primary custody of their children when getting out of a toxic marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Check with an attorney in your area. Where I am any father can get at least 50% custody. If the mother isn't interested or is proven unfit he can easily get 100%. If nothing else, you can't get it if you don't ask the court - so ask by putting it in court documents if you file. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Does anyone have experience as a father in getting primary custody of their children when getting out of a toxic marriage? If this is your desired outcome - a tough ask in most courts - you'll need to begin documenting what makes her unfit for primary custody. Unless you think the same conditions currently causing her to dump parenting on you would make the option desirable to her? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 The standard is what is in the best interest of the children. With everything being equal courts have a tendency to award custody to the mother along gender rolls. That is changing but slowly. The older the kids, the more of a voice they get. Document all you are doing & all she is not doing. Then make your case. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Unless either one of you are unfit due to abuse, substance abuse, criminal activity, etc., you'll probably both be entitled to 50/50 custody. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Hi Wing, what is your story? The folks on here would be able to give you a more comprehensive reply to your query if they have some background information about your situation. Otherwise you are likely to get short and incomplete answers to your questions. Just a thought. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wing81 Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 Good point just a guy. I have made other posts abouy my situation but basically my wife appears to be have issues and takes them out on our family. She has some issues with drinking as well and wins arguements but resorting to name calling, insults, and threats. I have been keeping a journal and made some recordings, our state is a one party state. I know these could help prove some aspects of our relationship dynamic but know there is more to it. We have a 3 year old and 6 year old boys who depend on me for everything. I know what I would consider as the best interest of the child but not sure how courts would view the situation. If there are others that have been able to get primary custody, knowing what "evidence" helped sway the court would be helpful to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Document how you are providing all the care and financial support. Show where WW does nothing. Write a log book. Detail what has been going on and for how long as the start. Then do a daily log in as proof of how you are carrying the burden alone and how WW does not. In six months time you should have enough facts for a lawyer to build a good case for you to get custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 See a good attorney. It's an uphill battle for a father to get custody but my brother did it. Knowledge is what you need. Better get with it. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Her just being lazy will not be enough for you to get total custody up front. Modern judges usually want to go for 50/50 and give both parents a chance to prove themselves, even if they've not been great in the past. It's different if she's been actually abusive to the kids, but if she's just useless, they're probably not going to take her kids from her. I have seen many men get primary or full custody in cases like that, but it usually happens slowly. They start with 50/50, but they offer to take the child whenever the ex-wife is busy. If she really is lazy and uninterested in looking after the kid, she will often be happy to take advantage of his assistance, especially if he's not requesting that child support be changed (yet). This can lead to the dad having the kid 75% of the time or more. If this happens, document everything, get records of how much you're looking after the kid and she isn't, and THEN push for a modification of custody based on status quo. But make sure you've got a good case prepared, as at that point she'll suddenly realise that she's put herself at risk of losing, and will try to take the child away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeganButEatMyMeat Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 I'm a male, I have full custody (for now). My advice is to wait and keep documenting/getting evidence. If she's really as unstable as you say she is she'll give it to you. I waited because I didn't want to lose time with my boy, dealing with her was worth seeing my son full time. Then one day she gave me the ammunition I needed (assaulted me, was arrested), then a couple months later gave me a bit more (suicide attempt) What I've learned: courts don't like taking a parent away from a child. My ex gets visitation (I decide if it's supervised or not). She needs to send me any psychological treatment she's received (zero so far). At the end of the day my boy is 4. My ex in 2 years can decide to get help, get it documented, and reopen custody with the courts... and probably get some. It never really ends until the child is 18. So even if you win, nothing is set in stone when it comes to custody. Then there's the kids perspective... the other parent is ALWAYS the cool one. Just yesterday after video chatting his mom, my boy said he wanted to go to his mom "I want mommy's house, no more daddy". Be prepared for that too, when they're pre-teens and you make them do their homework.. you're the worst person in the world lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Unless the mother gives the father the kids, relinquishes them, there is no reason to award full custody to the father. Even if the mother has a serious, for example, addiction, she (or the father) will be given a set of steps to fix that situation and drug testing in order to give them a chance to get the child back. If there's no big issues like that, it's not even a question. Joint custody is what will happen if you both want custody, and it's the best thing for the kids. You're right, being around fighting is harming them, so stop trying to get the kids away from the woman who gave them birth, nursed and raised them and start working on an amicable divorce/separation where you can give the kids some peace. If you have a hostile divorce, what follows won't be peaceful for the kids either and might even be worse. If you can't be civil, use a median for exchanges. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wing81 Posted May 16, 2018 Author Share Posted May 16, 2018 I appreciate the input. I am not trying to take the boys away from their mother and want them to have a relationship with them. Having primary would be my main goal as i want them to have a relationship. However, their mother is not trying to build and repair her relationship with them. Come to find out she has not been taking medicine for past 6 months. Our kids basically do not want to be in the same room as her even with encouragement and persuasion. Of course the best for the kids is what i would hope for. Trying ti find a balance of my health and their best interest is the challenge. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 The kids don't get to make the decision and their decisions are not the best. If she needs to be on meds, that's something that can be required of her by the Court if her behavior is neglectful or harmful. Joint custody is what you need for the kids. Because it causes less tension all around, less resentment because it's what's fair. Plus it gives you both time to have a life. I will tell you this, take no part in bad-mouthing your wife to your kids or encouraging that they not cooperate with her, because this is a common ploy couples get up to and nothing makes judges madder spouses using the kids this way, as pawns. So don't encourage any of that. You encourage your kids to cooperate with their mom because it's the right thing to do. Keep in mind your past text messages, emails, etc., even if deleted can be obtained for evidence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 Spend the money on the very best divorce atty that has favor with the court you will be in front of. Yes some Atty's have more favor with a court than others. And as it was said just because she maybe a useless they probably won't take them from her. When we worked in the court system it boggles the mind how they would provide services over and over to absolute worthless parents to keep from taking them away. Do not do or say anything that can be construed as coaching the kids away from her. That pisses the court way the heck off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Me Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 I am male. I too was screwed over in the court system. I still have to share my kids, but the best thing I can do is show my kids I am not the guy that their mom tells them and the family legal system thinks I am. It took me 2 years, 3 attorneys and $30,000 dollars to get my kids part time. I had to battle a agnostic judge and 2 attorneys that are man hating sexists who come from abusive relationships themselves, plus a narcissistic Ex Wife with my first attorney being a complete door mat. I still battle major problems, corruption and discrepancies in the legal system. I suspect I'll be fighting it my whole life. My kids are worth it too me. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 My parents divorced in California in the mid 1980's. Custody was awarded 50 /50 but my dad was my primary care giver, and I lived with him, visited my mom on the afternoons and weekends. My mother suffered from mental health issues etc, I know it wasn't a walk in the park for my dad, but they made every effort to co-parent seamlessly, and I am eternally grateful that they were mature enough to do that. One thing that helped insure that both parents stayed in my life, is that they wrote it into their divorce decree that they were to remain living within 20 miles of each other until I graduated high school (in actuality it was about a mile for most of the time, I could walk between their houses). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 Each state has rules about how far you can live apart, and it varies. I mean, 20 miles in L.A. or NYC wouldn't work. But most places, it would be 30 minutes. People are too busy to move far apart and expect each other to waste a big part of their week commuting, plus there's the issue of school and the kid's friends. Once you have kids, it's time to be mature and put them first and do it the most convenient way possible, but yes, this completely limits your ability to relocate for a job or anything like that. So know what you're getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
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