Attracted To My Therapist

[Aslanbek]

I just began seeing a female therapist a couple weeks ago, and it has to be a case of God (or the Devil) screwing around with my mind. I am a man, 54 years old, and she is 30 at the most and one of the hottest women I have ever seen. Not so much her looks per se as that her whole package - face, hair, body, ethnic background, and personality - is right exactly down my alley in terms of the type of woman who drives me bonkers. I mean, I was "in lust" the second I saw her, and at the time I neither knew that she was going to be my therapist nor had even talked to her. Now, people always say that patients fall for their therapists for various reasons and that it's transference, but I don't think that's the case here. I haven't really been dealing with her long enough to even consider that that type of thing could happen, and I don't even look at her that emotionally. It's just pure lust in this case because she is so beautiful. I do find myself thinking about her at times totally randomly and wish I were in a position where I could get to know her. But I am rational and realistic and know it could never happen - which is why I say someone is playing a really cruel joke on me. How should I deal with this?

[losangelena]

Find a different therapist?

[basil67]

Yep, find a new therapist. Being distracted by lust is going to hinder your personal development.

[Agonistes]

I was attracted to my therapist. I most certainly would have "done her" given the opportunity. I wrote it off for what it was, a passing fancy, and decided she was completely off limits. It never got anywhere close to being an obsession or distraction. We were able to have some good sessions.

[preraph]

You need to change therapists.

[salparadise]

I had one like that, when I was divorcing. Totally hot. Eastern European accent, gorgeous, shapely, suggestive. She was a hugger; after every session I got a hug. It started out as just a friendly hand on my shoulder, progressed to hugs, then prolonged hugs... and finally, the last time I saw her it was overtly sexual... her tits smashed into me, arms pulling me close, a strange submissive look on her face, my hand on her ass... blew me away. She had made joking comments about being my sex therapist but I just took it as banter. But that last time I realized she was getting as carried away, literally, as I was in my imagination.

 

I had to quit. I wasn't ready. I needed to sort my sh*t out, not complicate my life. I sure would like a do-over. I ended up dating a therapist, and little did she know that part of the attraction was the "banging my therapist fantasy." I replayed that tape in my head so may times when we were gettin' it on.

 

Sorry- yea, you probably should find another therapist. Unless...

Edited March 18, 2018 by salparadise

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Find a new therapist.

 

This woman probably already knows this will be a problem with most of her male clients, so she's probably prepared or you either hitting on her (and how she will rebuff you), or how you will drop her due to your lust.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I had one like that, when I was divorcing. Totally hot. Eastern European accent, gorgeous, shapely, suggestive. She was a hugger; after every session I got a hug. It started out as just a friendly hand on my shoulder, progressed to hugs, then prolonged hugs... and finally, the last time I saw her it was overtly sexual... her tits smashed into me, arms pulling me close, a strange submissive look on her face, my hand on her ass... blew me away. She had made joking comments about being my sex therapist but I just took it as banter. But that last time I realized she was getting as carried away, literally, as I was in my imagination.

 

I had to quit. I wasn't ready. I needed to sort my sh*t out, not complicate my life. I sure would like a do-over. I ended up dating a therapist, and little did she know that part of the attraction was the "banging my therapist fantasy." I replayed that tape in my head so may times when we were gettin' it on.

 

Sorry- yea, you probably should find another therapist. Unless...

 

Your therapist sounds highly unprofessional. I wonder how long it will be until she loses her license.

[Aslanbek]

Find a new therapist.

 

This woman probably already knows this will be a problem with most of her male clients, so she's probably prepared or you either hitting on her (and how she will rebuff you), or how you will drop her due to your lust.

 

She probably does think about that happening, as I said, she is really beautiful. But she doesn't have to worry about me. I never hit on women.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She probably does think about that happening, as I said, she is really beautiful. But she doesn't have to worry about me. I never hit on women.

 

Oh we know SHE does not need to worry about YOU. But, if you are preoccupied with lust for her, you may not be benefitting from your therapy.

[Aslanbek]

Oh we know SHE does not need to worry about YOU. But, if you are preoccupied with lust for her, you may not be benefitting from your therapy.

 

I hear that. Fortunately (or unfortunately? ) she isn't going to be my long-term therapist.

[Aslanbek]

I had one like that, when I was divorcing. Totally hot. Eastern European accent, gorgeous, shapely, suggestive. She was a hugger; after every session I got a hug. It started out as just a friendly hand on my shoulder, progressed to hugs, then prolonged hugs... and finally, the last time I saw her it was overtly sexual... her tits smashed into me, arms pulling me close, a strange submissive look on her face, my hand on her ass... blew me away. She had made joking comments about being my sex therapist but I just took it as banter. But that last time I realized she was getting as carried away, literally, as I was in my imagination.

 

I had to quit. I wasn't ready. I needed to sort my sh*t out, not complicate my life. I sure would like a do-over. I ended up dating a therapist, and little did she know that part of the attraction was the "banging my therapist fantasy." I replayed that tape in my head so may times when we were gettin' it on.

 

Sorry- yea, you probably should find another therapist. Unless...

 

I crave attention from a woman so badly that I would probably welcome this happening......then I realize that it's wrong on so many levels. See what I mean about someone seriously messing with me?

[maxi105]

oh dear!!!!!!! your description of this woman seems to be enjoying telling us and seems to be re-living your fantasy...AND IT IS JUST THAT...."YOUR".....FANTASY!!!!

 

aslanbek, think "me too" the woman is not there to be an object of fantasy, lust or anything else you wish to project in your head just because she is attractive.

 

if you are serious in your therapy (and remember you have gone to therapy because you have a problem you want someone who is professional to help you sort out professionally!!!) then you need to see that this is not a respectful way to go and is certainly not a healthy situation to even think in such a way.

 

as a professional therapist she can probably tell what is happening!!!!

 

you need to understand that she isn't there to be made uncomfortable from sexual tension that her clients (male or female if they are that way inclined) will be overwhelmed by or create a vibe that they are trying to push away their sexual thoughts or feelings (however mild at the start).

 

no one is playing a cruel joke on you, you have clearly been conditioned into thinking that an attractive woman is there potentially for you (whether as a fantasy fictional idea to keep lsuting over in your mind, or as some kind of ego response to the way many women are portrayed in society and marketing/mostly male orientated industries as sex object or play things that want them just because it is what is expected).

 

the truth is you actually DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN, for all you know her husband may work in the next room down the corridor from her in her therapist block, he might be a policeman or martial arts expert, she might not even like men in that way, whatever - the fact is her personal likes and dislikes or her personal relationships are NOT the business of any of her clients.

 

she is probably listening to you because that is her job, but I can imagine she has picked up on the represed vibes and is probably rather tired with seeing the signals (you may not even be aware of) that are sleazy and a bit uncomfortable for her).

 

do yourself a favour and if you are serious in sorting whatever problems you have that have taken you to getting therapy, and speak to a man or find a person that you have some respect for to deal with YOUR PROBLEMS...

 

if you want to deal with this you need to not only find a suitable therapist, but you need to take a good look at the way you are making rather cheap and crude assumptions about women that have no real place in the modern age.

 

if you meet a woman and are in a relationship or agree to have a brief relationship with her that's different, it is consenting and you as an adult male can do what you both consent to; it is not ok to leer and lust after a woman because you have issues and repressed frustrations or desires or just feel it your right to lust and ogle someone...professionally or otherwise...

 

but I suspect you know all of this already.

 

you need to deal with your emotions, relations and attitudes for women you incorrectly deem as fair game (but are not) in a more mature, respectful appropriate manner. maxi:mad:

[salparadise]

Your therapist sounds highly unprofessional. I wonder how long it will be until she loses her license.

 

Oh yea, there's no doubt that she had soft boundaries. Too much self-disclosure, too suggestive, enjoyed explicit talk about sex. But she was smokin' hot and I was going through a divorce. That kind of validation felt wonderful. Just the hugging, even without sexual overtones, was crossing boundaries.

 

Boundary issues notwithstanding, I think she was a mediocre therapist. She is still practicing and it's ten years hence. I doubt that any male patients would complain about the sexualized attention because she's so gorgeous and likable––I certainly didn't. If I had been a bit further along in healing, or had a little more time to realize that she was hot for me, I'd probably have done her. Part of me regrets not having seized the day.

 

I'm sure this stuff happens all the time. I know of several other instances (not with her). It's human nature, plus I also believe that a lot of therapists go into the profession because they have some type of emotional deficit and they're seeking to understand or heal themselves.

[Aslanbek]

oh dear!!!!!!! your description of this woman seems to be enjoying telling us and seems to be re-living your fantasy...AND IT IS JUST THAT...."YOUR".....FANTASY!!!!

 

aslanbek, think "me too" the woman is not there to be an object of fantasy, lust or anything else you wish to project in your head just because she is attractive.

 

 

First of all, thanks Maxi for responding. I read your note, though, and I think you're making some assumptions that are just not correct.

 

if you are serious in your therapy (and remember you have gone to therapy because you have a problem you want someone who is professional to help you sort out professionally!!!) then you need to see that this is not a respectful way to go and is certainly not a healthy situation to even think in such a way.

 

as a professional therapist she can probably tell what is happening!!!!

 

Well, I am serious, but I didn't go into this trying to "meet" or "hook up" with someone or anything like that. I just can't help but notice how gorgeous this woman is. And I don't see how she could tell anything because I'm not showing her in any way how she has affected me.

 

you need to understand that she isn't there to be made uncomfortable from sexual tension that her clients (male or female if they are that way inclined) will be overwhelmed by or create a vibe that they are trying to push away their sexual thoughts or feelings (however mild at the start).

 

Sexual tension?

 

no one is playing a cruel joke on you, you have clearly been conditioned into thinking that an attractive woman is there potentially for you (whether as a fantasy fictional idea to keep lsuting over in your mind, or as some kind of ego response to the way many women are portrayed in society and marketing/mostly male orientated industries as sex object or play things that want them just because it is what is expected).

 

That is absolutely wrong. That is so far from the truth. I NEVER assume that any woman is potentially for me or that she might be interested in me. I learned long ago to never think in that way.

 

the truth is you actually DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN, for all you know her husband may work in the next room down the corridor from her in her therapist block, he might be a policeman or martial arts expert, she might not even like men in that way, whatever - the fact is her personal likes and dislikes or her personal relationships are NOT the business of any of her clients.

 

Why do you think this is even part of the equation? I never brought up anything about her personal likes or dislikes. BTW, if her husband is close by, so be it. That's got nothing to do with me. Also, I have two black belts myself, so that factor is pretty much null.

 

she is probably listening to you because that is her job, but I can imagine she has picked up on the represed vibes and is probably rather tired with seeing the signals (you may not even be aware of) that are sleazy and a bit uncomfortable for her).

 

What signals? Are you a soothsayer? You don't know me, and you don't know her.

 

do yourself a favour and if you are serious in sorting whatever problems you have that have taken you to getting therapy, and speak to a man or find a person that you have some respect for to deal with YOUR PROBLEMS...

 

if you want to deal with this you need to not only find a suitable therapist, but you need to take a good look at the way you are making rather cheap and crude assumptions about women that have no real place in the modern age.

 

What assumptions am I making?

 

if you meet a woman and are in a relationship or agree to have a brief relationship with her that's different, it is consenting and you as an adult male can do what you both consent to; it is not ok to leer and lust after a woman because you have issues and repressed frustrations or desires or just feel it your right to lust and ogle someone...professionally or otherwise...

 

I do not leer at or ogle anyone. Feelings of attraction I keep to myself.

 

but I suspect you know all of this already.

 

you need to deal with your emotions, relations and attitudes for women you incorrectly deem as fair game (but are not) in a more mature, respectful appropriate manner. maxi:mad:

 

As I said, Maxi, you make way too many assumptions that have no basis in fact. I wish you knew this already.

[salparadise]

As I said, Maxi, you make way too many assumptions that have no basis in fact. I wish you knew this already.

 

I agree. Aslanbek is simply relating his experience honestly and asking for input. We don't have control over whom we find attractive, we only have control over whether and how we communicate and/or act on it. He hasn't done anything wrong. He's attracted because she's attractive. You can't just switch it off, and when an attractive person is giving you that much undivided attention, affirmation and so on... transference and countertransference are always factors in a therapeutic relationship. Even though Aslanbek says it's not about transference, I think that almost by definition it is. Transference is the relationship, whatever it is. You can't separate the attraction from how you feel about the therapist, or how you interact with her.

 

You might find this article useful - Client's Guide to Transference

[irresolute]

I just began seeing a female therapist a couple weeks ago, and it has to be a case of God (or the Devil) screwing around with my mind. I am a man, 54 years old, and she is 30 at the most and one of the hottest women I have ever seen. Not so much her looks per se as that her whole package - face, hair, body, ethnic background, and personality - is right exactly down my alley in terms of the type of woman who drives me bonkers. I mean, I was "in lust" the second I saw her, and at the time I neither knew that she was going to be my therapist nor had even talked to her. Now, people always say that patients fall for their therapists for various reasons and that it's transference, but I don't think that's the case here. I haven't really been dealing with her long enough to even consider that that type of thing could happen, and I don't even look at her that emotionally. It's just pure lust in this case because she is so beautiful. I do find myself thinking about her at times totally randomly and wish I were in a position where I could get to know her. But I am rational and realistic and know it could never happen - which is why I say someone is playing a really cruel joke on me. How should I deal with this?

 

Hello, while this type of feelings are normal, your therapist is not allowed to act on them. If she does, she could be sued for malpractice and lose her license. The most probable thing will happen is that, when she realizes about your feelings, you’ll get referred to another therapist.

 

It’s unethical to continue therapy. I’m sorry. You’ll better look for someone else elsewhere

[salparadise]

It’s unethical to continue therapy. I’m sorry. You’ll better look for someone else elsewhere

 

 

No it's not. Where do people come up with this stuff? It's perfectly normal and not at all unusual. The only way it would be unethical is if it couldn't be contained and precluded a productive therapeutic relationship, and even then it would be because they couldn't work productively together, not because he finds her attractive.

[irresolute]

No it's not. Where do people come up with this stuff? It's perfectly normal and not at all unusual. The only way it would be unethical is if it couldn't be contained and precluded a productive therapeutic relationship, and even then it would be because they couldn't work productively together, not because he finds her attractive.

 

People gets this from the code of ethics. While it’s normal, there’s a danger to countertransference. Ethical thing to do is refer the client.

Check the code of ethics for therapists, it’s all there.

[maxi105]

you need to go figure out how to treat people a little more.

 

 

you are seeing a professional woman and the fact that she is dealing with your problems doesn't mean she is ever would be or should entertain any kind of situation that might make her feel uncomfortable.

 

 

my post has obviously touched a nerve with you and that ok with me, it was meant to.

 

 

im not going to go looking at your post to pick over what you have said as you are clearly looking for some kind of battle and im not on this sight to give you one anytime soon, so if you are waiting for one you will be waiting for some time!

 

 

the way you describe her reads like some kind of immature fantasy, but I brought up the me too thing because there are many women out there that feel objectified by men that refer to things in the way you have.

but there is a real danger when sentiments come across like this.

 

 

this woman is attractive but she is just doing her job, if you like her ok, but the way you come over you is embarrassing to read, its almost like you are salivating over this woman.

 

 

all I can say to you is this.

 

 

THIS WOMAN IS SOMEONE ELSES COLLEAGE, SHE IS SOMONE ELSES DAUGHTER, POSSIBLY WIFE, LOVER ETC....DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? WOULD YOU THINK IT OK IF SOMEONE WAS TALKING IN THIS SAME WAY FANTASISING ABOUT YOUR SISTER, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR DAUGHTER ETC....

 

 

I MAKE NO APOLOGIES TO YOU FOR MY POST AND I STAND BY EVERYTHIN I HAVE SAID TO YOU.

 

 

THIS IS THE FIRST POST THAT I WONT BE READING TEH REPLY TO AND I AM NOT SORRY BECAUSE I DONT REALLY CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT ALL - HENCE I AM NOT RE-READING WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME ON THIS.

 

 

YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY YOU ARE AND HOW YOUR FANTASIES MEY BE MAKING WOMEN FEEL.

 

 

iM SUPRISED MY POST WASNT PULLED, BUT I AM GLAD IT IS THERE FOR ALL TO SEE WHAT I THINK.

 

 

NO APLOLOGIES TO YOU. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO RE-THINK YOUR ATTITUDE. NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE FANTASY OF ANYONE THAT IS SALACIOUS, SLEEZY OR THINKS IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL WAY.

 

 

TMES UP FOR ME ON THIS POST, IF YOU REPLY ITS YOUR CHOICE, BUT I WONT BE READING IT OR REPLYING ON IT.

 

 

GET ANOTHER THERAPIST, AND LEARN TO HAVE A BIT MORE RESPECT.

MAXI

[Aslanbek]

you need to go figure out how to treat people a little more.

 

?

 

you are seeing a professional woman and the fact that she is dealing with your problems doesn't mean she is ever would be or should entertain any kind of situation that might make her feel uncomfortable.

 

You're not answering my basic question - what am I doing that is making her feel uncomfortable? She doesn't know any more what I'm thinking than you do. She's a therapist, not a medium.

 

my post has obviously touched a nerve with you and that ok with me, it was meant to.

 

Your post touched a nerve only because it was biased and full of falsehoods. Fake news.

 

im not going to go looking at your post to pick over what you have said as you are clearly looking for some kind of battle and im not on this sight to give you one anytime soon, so if you are waiting for one you will be waiting for some time!

 

I'm not looking for anything but the truth and fairness.

 

 

the way you describe her reads like some kind of immature fantasy, but I brought up the me too thing because there are many women out there that feel objectified by men that refer to things in the way you have.

but there is a real danger when sentiments come across like this.

 

Me Too is related to powerful men who have harassed, abused, assaulted or raped women. I've got no power, and I've done nothing of the sort.

 

this woman is attractive but she is just doing her job, if you like her ok, but the way you come over you is embarrassing to read, its almost like you are salivating over this woman.

 

Your take on it. Not particularly relevant.

 

 

all I can say to you is this.

 

 

THIS WOMAN IS SOMEONE ELSES COLLEAGE, SHE IS SOMONE ELSES DAUGHTER, POSSIBLY WIFE, LOVER ETC.

 

Your point? You holler at me but you're not saying anything.

 

...DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? WOULD YOU THINK IT OK IF SOMEONE WAS TALKING IN THIS SAME WAY FANTASISING ABOUT YOUR SISTER, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR DAUGHTER ETC....

 

I could care less. If he's not being verbally or physically abusive to her, I could give a tinker's damn what any man thinks of any of the women in my life.

 

 

I MAKE NO APOLOGIES TO YOU FOR MY POST AND I STAND BY EVERYTHIN I HAVE SAID TO YOU.

 

Imagine my consternation.

 

 

THIS IS THE FIRST POST THAT I WONT BE READING TEH REPLY TO AND I AM NOT SORRY BECAUSE I DONT REALLY CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT ALL - HENCE I AM NOT RE-READING WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME ON THIS.

 

So you don't want a discussion. You're lazy and don't want to take the time to rationally discuss things you yourself put out there.

 

YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY YOU ARE AND HOW YOUR FANTASIES MEY BE MAKING WOMEN FEEL.

 

The way I am? The next time I make a woman feel uncomfortable or unsafe, I'll let you know.

 

 

iM SUPRISED MY POST WASNT PULLED, BUT I AM GLAD IT IS THERE FOR ALL TO SEE WHAT I THINK.

 

 

NO APLOLOGIES TO YOU. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO RE-THINK YOUR ATTITUDE. NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE FANTASY OF ANYONE THAT IS SALACIOUS, SLEEZY OR THINKS IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL WAY.

 

Maxi - I think you're the one who is disrepectful.

 

 

TMES UP FOR ME ON THIS POST, IF YOU REPLY ITS YOUR CHOICE, BUT I WONT BE READING IT OR REPLYING ON IT.

 

Your loss. Not mine.

 

GET ANOTHER THERAPIST, AND LEARN TO HAVE A BIT MORE RESPECT.

MAXI

 

You are obviously someone who has opinions, biased as they are, and no matter how rationally they are discussed, you don't change them. You are wrong about everything you've asserted here however, and there's nothing I or anyone else can say to make that change. So you're simply going to go with your flawed logic, and I'll continue to believe what I believe.

 

I am very respectful, and I will continue to be. Even to you.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Aslanbek