Anxiety

[MeadowFlower]

Do any of you get anxious with regards to new relationships or with on-there-way-to-be relationships? Like do you worry the other person will stop liking you or that they've found someone else. Or if they don't email back in a certain time, worry that you've said something they don't like. Or any thing else?

 

If so, how do you personally deal with, cope with, or overcome it?

Edited March 18, 2018 by MeadowFlower

[Happy Lemming]

Have confidence that this new person likes you, until they tell/show you otherwise.

 

A very wise Sikh gentleman once told me "Control the controllables" Meaning if you can't control it, don't worry about it. I've adopted this as my "life philosophy" and I'm more relaxed and calm for doing it.

 

You put your best foot forward with this new individual, now "let the chips fall where they may".

 

As far as e-mailing me back, I return all communications within 24 hours, even if I don't have an answer. I will acknowledge the communication in some fashion. I do think that 24 hours is a good "rule of thumb", but it is my opinion.

 

Relax!!

Edited March 18, 2018 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[BaileyB]

One my best friends used ask me, "do you like him enough to go out with him again..." I like that, because it give you control (you are deciding if you like him, not waiting around to see if he will chose you). It also makes you focus on one date at a time ago that you can't get anxious by focusing too far ahead. It also allows you to keep your expectations low because in the early days of dating, you just don't know how it's going to go...

 

Good luck to you!

[carhill]

I remember marked anxiety only once, decades ago, and learned something from it. The lady turned out to be married and that feeling was my gut telling me something was wrong.

 

Generally though, no issues. I was single for many years and experienced many rejections and did all that relationship and marriage stuff so accept humans for who they are, and feel a sense of calm when loving someone. They do what they do. No control over that. The calm probably comes from childhood, feeling safe and loved at home. The world, as brutal as it might have been, was balanced by a loving home. That set the stage for later life.

 

How to deal? Accept the real.

[d0nnivain]

Everybody is nervous at the beginning. A new relationship is fraught with uncertainty. You are getting to know each other so you don't have a frame of reference about how the person reacts to anything.

 

When I would get anxious, I'd give myself a mental shake & remind myself of a few things:

 

* I'm a good partner

 

* I'm a good judge of character

 

* Somebody's else's opinion of me is just that, their opinion, not a referendum on my life.

 

I never really worried that a new person in my life found somebody else. In the beginning, I assumed I wasn't the only one because some new guy was rarely the only one I was dating. By the time we got serious & became intimate, I trusted him enough to know that he'd be faithful. After the first few exchanges I didn't give that much thought to how long it took somebody to respond. If I really needed to talk to him, I picked up the phone. N.B. By needed to talk I mean something with a time sensitive deadline not me wanting to hear his voice.

[preraph]

Oh, yeah, I was ridden with anxiety, but I think it was mainly because I knew the guy wasn't as invested as I was. If I had it to do all over again, I'd choose to be a happier 20-something, but all we can do is live and learn.

[Sbla22]

Yes this is 100% me.

 

I am a 26 year old male and I think I first noticed this in me when I was 22. That's when I started dating after breaking up with my long term girlfriend.

 

If someone doesn't reply to me swiftly or enthusiastically I always think they have lost interest or found someone better. I'm currently dating someone new - 5 dates in and feel like I'm just waiting for her to end it as she isn't great with texting so every time we are apart I just assume she's going to lose interest and date someone else.

[MeadowFlower]

He hasn't replied to the last email. It's silly I know, but still, I have felt impatient and probably worried.

 

Maybe he isn't that interested. Maybe he has interest elsewhere. Was it what I wrote or didn't write.

 

Imagine being in a secure relationship, where you know without doubt they like and want you.

 

How many days should I give it before there is need to worry as it were?

Edited March 19, 2018 by MeadowFlower

[MeadowFlower]

Yes this is 100% me.

 

I am a 26 year old male and I think I first noticed this in me when I was 22. That's when I started dating after breaking up with my long term girlfriend.

 

If someone doesn't reply to me swiftly or enthusiastically I always think they have lost interest or found someone better. I'm currently dating someone new - 5 dates in and feel like I'm just waiting for her to end it as she isn't great with texting so every time we are apart I just assume she's going to lose interest and date someone else.

 

How do you cope with it?

 

How long is it for the person to reply that you start getting worried?

[Sbla22]

How do you cope with it?

 

How long is it for the person to reply that you start getting worried?

 

I don't cope well but getting better slightly.

 

I tend to try and keep busy by going the gym, a walk or putting my phone on silent and away from me while I read or watch something so I am not overly focused on it but doesn't always work.

 

I think if they haven't replied in over an hour I get worried. If they've been on whatsapp and not replied it's always a killer for me.

 

It's founded on past experiences where I notice if a girl takes longer to reply or less enthusiastic than she once was it's usually a sign of losing interest. But then I think I compound this by then being needy and anxious and forcing contact which is just the ultimate killer of attraction so I am really trying to keep cool.

 

Still believe if someone likes you a lot they should want to show that more which would prevent people like us from getting anxious all the time.

[MeadowFlower]

I don't cope well but getting better slightly.

 

I tend to try and keep busy by going the gym, a walk or putting my phone on silent and away from me while I read or watch something so I am not overly focused on it but doesn't always work.

 

I think if they haven't replied in over an hour I get worried. If they've been on whatsapp and not replied it's always a killer for me.

 

It's founded on past experiences where I notice if a girl takes longer to reply or less enthusiastic than she once was it's usually a sign of losing interest. But then I think I compound this by then being needy and anxious and forcing contact which is just the ultimate killer of attraction so I am really trying to keep cool.

 

Still believe if someone likes you a lot they should want to show that more which would prevent people like us from getting anxious all the time.

 

 

I sent him another email earlier today, just a blank one with the previous email (and the whole thread) beneath.. Yea... shouldn't have maybe. Oh well can't bring it back. Do you think that would be a dagger to the attraction? Would it make him annoyed or make him not reply and have his interest lessen?

 

 

Have you ever double emailed/messaged?

[Happy Lemming]

I sent him another email earlier today, just a blank one with the previous email (and the whole thread) beneath.. Yea... shouldn't have maybe. Oh well can't bring it back. Do you think that would be a dagger to the attraction? Would it make him annoyed or make him not reply and have his interest lessen?

 

 

Have you ever double emailed/messaged?

 

As a general rule, I will leave two phone messages and that is it. Usually a couple days apart.

 

I will wait 24 hours after the last phone message, if they haven't returned my communication in that time, then I'm moving on.

[BluEyeL]

Oh yeah I was so anxious at the beginning of a relationship. That’s why although the honeymoon is over now and sometimes I miss those wonderful times when my husband was doing so many grand gestures and saying so many over the top things to me, I don’t miss the anxiety that came with that stage .

 

I only “dated” for 18 months in my life (I’m 46) , in the sense of going out and actively looking for men to date, and I was anxious all the time!!! It was awful! I kept it under control by listening to tapes about budhism, meditating etc. every day.

[MeadowFlower]

Oh yeah I was so anxious at the beginning of a relationship. That’s why although the honeymoon is over now and sometimes I miss those wonderful times when my husband was doing so many grand gestures and saying so many over the top things to me, I don’t miss the anxiety that came with that stage .

 

I only “dated” for 18 months in my life (I’m 46) , in the sense of going out and actively looking for men to date, and I was anxious all the time!!! It was awful! I kept it under control by listening to tapes about budhism, meditating etc. every day.

 

How did you meet your husband? :-)

 

How was he when you two were dating? Did he get back to you quickly? Did you find yourself doubting his interest level?

[Maggie4]

I sent him another email earlier today, just a blank one with the previous email (and the whole thread) beneath.. Yea... shouldn't have maybe. Oh well can't bring it back. Do you think that would be a dagger to the attraction? Would it make him annoyed or make him not reply and have his interest lessen?

 

 

Have you ever double emailed/messaged?

 

Ugh! That’s a terrible way to communicate! Don’t do that again. If I don’t hear from a guy, and I get anxious, I might send a follow up mail after 2 days. Usually I’d remain very positive, sweet and warm so that he’ll want to reply. And be honest, no need to pretend you don’t care, but be sure he knows he’s not “in trouble” with you. That usually works.

[MeadowFlower]

Ugh! That’s a terrible way to communicate! Don’t do that again.

 

 

Cheers for that.

[d0nnivain]

If you want to speak to a new person in your life, pick up the phone & use the voice feature. Every other form of communication -- text, email or IMG social media -- is dooming you to failure because they are too easy to ignore & incredibly impersonal.

 

If you are now on the second e-mail with no response, you best conclude that this is ending & you are being ghosted.

[BluEyeL]

How did you meet your husband? :-)

 

How was he when you two were dating? Did he get back to you quickly? Did you find yourself doubting his interest level?

I met my husband on match.com Yes, I was doubting his interest level, but at the same time he was setting up dates every week, and going out of his way for me (he lived 40 minutes away, he was driving to me, picking me up and driving back towards his house for the date. He started to ask to see me twice a week, and then more than that and we ended up seeing each other up to 5 times a week after 3 months or so. He was doing a lot of things that told me he was really interested, but in between the communication wasn't too much )

 

He wasn't a texter and he wasn't calling me at all either. He said he didn't like to talk on the phone. At the first dates, he would just email me once a week to set up the details of the next date. After a while, the only texting he was doing was once a day, at the end of the day and I was staring at my phone from 5 to 9 pm lol I was terrible!

 

Once, he sent me a picture from his vacation, but because we had just met a couple of weeks before, he actually didn't have my phone number, just my email and tried to text the number associated with the email and the text went to my 12 yo son instead of me! It was a picture of a boat/ocean. And my son replied to him "much wow!" He didn't know who it was that sent him a picture. So after a while my son says: someone sent me a picture of a boat. And I figured who it was and I texted him to tell him, sorry about the reply you got, you sent the text to my son, this is my phone number and I hope you have a great time on vacation. I sent that on a Friday at 5pm and he responded....Monday at 11am!! Imagine the anxiety ugh

 

But I was REALLY good at not showing it. I wasn't texting him, I wasn't complaining, I was acting all "cool". But I was anything but.

 

After a while I started to fret as to why he's not calling me on the phone (eventually he did on his own intiative), why it's been 6 months and he doesn't tell me he loves me, why this why that....I only calmed down after we got engaged, 1.5 years later. Don't be me! ))

Edited March 20, 2018 by BluEyeL

[BluEyeL]

You shouldn't have resent that message. Don't do that again!!

[MeadowFlower]

You shouldn't have resent that message. Don't do that again!!

 

But I can message him about it in like a couple of days, don't you think?

 

We were chatting, at my initiation, and he was responsive, but didn't mention the email.

Edited March 20, 2018 by MeadowFlower

[BluEyeL]

No I think you should let it go. And let him initiate too. Also if he’s asking you out he’s interested if not he’s not interested.

[MeadowFlower]

Now could be a time to play, ♫ Let it go, let it go.... ♫

 

I should have the attitude of: If he initiates he does, if he doesn't he doesn't.

Edited March 21, 2018 by MeadowFlower