General infidelity Question

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Mods sorry this may be in the wrong section.

 

How many times is it on average that a BS will forgive PA and EA’s years apart with the same AP?

 

If there is a physical A lasting years and (maybe) false reconciliation and the WS starts an EA with the same AP 4 years later, there’s exposure, back to reconciliation, marriage therapy, IC etc and the WS tries to return to the same AP months later, can reconciliation occur? How? And how many chances should WS get?

 

Context/ 30 year M, kids all grown and gone WS is the H and the AP exposed the last 2 attempts by WS

[road]

There is no minimum or maximum amount of times a BS forgives

a WS.

 

Though a reason is that the WS is a serial cheater and never will stop.

 

Then it could be because the BS allows the affair to be rug swept, the

WS never has to face consequences, and the BS does not and has yet

to do a proper recovery.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

There is no minimum or maximum amount of times a BS forgives

a WS.

 

Though a reason is that the WS is a serial cheater and never will stop.

 

Then it could be because the BS allows the affair to be rug swept, the

WS never has to face consequences, and the BS does not and has yet

to do a proper recovery.

 

So there’s still hope for reconciliation even though there were DDays and exposure? I’m not a divorce fan but don’t like to see anyone being continually mistreated.

 

Also thanks Road

Edited March 19, 2018 by PhillyLibertyBelle

[road]

How effective exposure was depends on how and when it was done.

Did the BS make the WS be transparent, provide all access, passwords

to all communications. Was the WS cell and car GPS.

 

People may break a sweat rug sweeping. Though that is not the

work needed to recover from an affair.

[somanymistakes]

If someone is determined to cheat, there is no amount of exposure and tracking that will actually stop them. They'll just learn to get around it, and become more secretive, as well as more resentful and self-justified. They can tell themselves that they deserve to cheat, because their spouse is so controlling. (They're wrong, but that doesn't matter to them.) And their experiences of being caught, or even of being forced to be 'transparent', will teach them better skills for hiding their tracks in the future. There are whole sites devoted to this sort of thing. They call it "opsec".

 

Oddly enough most of the MM we see being posted about here are clearly not experts, since one of the key bits of advice they give on those forums is to NOT date at your own workplace, because the chances of getting caught (or of your AP getting fed up and blowing the whistle on you) are much higher.

 

If someone was a one-time cheater who got a sufficiently strong shock of consequences, those are the ones most likely to change their minds.

 

Most other cases, it's just people fooling themselves. People can easily get stuck into a pattern where they forgive and 'forget', over and over again. They don't want to let go of the dream that things can be happy. There is no maximum number of times that someone can keep telling themselves "this time it's different".

[carhill]

I've seen a few of those and IMO it comes down to lifestyle. Back when the kids were at home it might have been 'until the kids are grown' but then by the time they are grown the partners are sufficiently inurred to their lifestyle and social status that they've settled into the routine and it remains. I'm old enough now to have seen both remarriages and also long marriages pushing up into 40 years and the gamut of situations.

 

Your post actually reminded me of one MW who only recently mentioned the actual name of her former lover even though the A had ostensibly been over for more than a decade, and recent contact. Similar situation, long marriage kids very adult, one to be married soon. They've got a great lifestyle and are socially popular. My bet is they will grow old together and be life marrieds, even with A's on both sides. It works. Main variable is a MLC going sideways sufficiently to cause a irreparable split. I don't think it will happen but could.

 

Another factor is the psychology of the individuals. IMO, those who have little fear of the adversarial process of divorce, the attendant social fallout and being alone are more likely to act on multiple infidelities and not reconcile. Those with more fear, more likely to remain and soldier on. Fear is a potent motivator. However, that fear can be mitigated somewhat by effective monkey branching as a springboard to either a new single life or relationship with the A partner. I've seen both occur. Monkey branching can be brief or can take years, especially when there are multiple marriages to unwind.

 

TBH, I'm glad I'm out of the marriage/divorce/affair/lifestyle milieu. That period of life was very wearing. Good on folks who can deal with all that stuff, and especially those who can work through it and reconcile in a healthy way. My hat's off to them.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks for all the greatband varied replies. It perplexes menthaynoje spouse can cheat, sometimes Pa, sometimes EA. Drop AP for varying lengths of tike andnthe BS always reconciles. It seems logical she doesn’t trust anymore because of the checking of mileage, timings and surprise drop ins at places WS is aupposed to be, but no matter how many times WS gets caught, BS keeps the marriage going and I just wonder is there ever a tipping point ?

[RecentChange]

It's an individual thing.

 

Maybe some people have no tipping point. Look at people who stay in horribly abusive relationships for decades, or marriages that constantly involve mistresses etc.

 

Both my husband and I have cheated. And we reconciled. I have no doubt, not for a min if I messed around with my old affair partner again - that would be the end of us, no way mu husband would stand for it.

 

And like wise - if he hooked up with his old AP, that would be the end of my rope.

 

Keep in mind, his affair was a very short lived fling, as was mine. Not this stuff that goes on for years.

 

I don't think I could forgive that kind of betrayal, nor do I think I could ever get away with something like that.

[BluesPower]

PLB...Just curious...

 

You have had a lot of threads asking a lot of good questions.

 

But I am wondering why? Have you been involved it infidelity on way or another, or is it just intellectual curiosity?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

PLB...Just curious...

 

You have had a lot of threads asking a lot of good questions.

 

But I am wondering why? Have you been involved it infidelity on way or another, or is it just intellectual curiosity?

 

I know someone who’s spouse cheats on them with the same person over and over, it’s been going on for decades, there are multiple DDays, then therapy and (false?) reconciliation and sometimes a year, sometimes a few months, WS always goes back to or tries to go back to the same AP. Like 9 times I know my friend can have a better life but I don’t understand why she keeps staying with WS. It’s not about kids or money. BS deserves so much better so I think the answer from what the above posters have said is: BS has accepted WW consistently cheating and always will and we will never know why. It’s partly my own bias tonthibk neither a serial cheater nor a many times BS can be happy in this scenario but maybe they are.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

And since you asked about me personally I don’t do romantic/sexual relationships anymore (for years) too much trouble thanits worth. I occasionally consider it but I’m pretty sure what I want is a dream not a real person so I’d rather spend time doing things I enjoy than wasting time and being disappointed chasing fantasy. I’m no picnic either!

[BluesPower]

The answer to your question is one word.

 

Fear...

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

The answer to your question is one word.

 

Fear...

 

 

 

You mean why my friend won’t toss WS or why I’m happy being single?

 

If it’s the first, fear of what? It’s a known situation in town so many people believe that BS is a fool.

 

 

If it’s about my disinterest in dating on my side fear is probably in there from

My side. I don’t love rejection!