Do I have the right to meet my exH girlfriend? (Kids involved)

[lunamorena]

I divorced my husband on (then) good terms 3 years ago. It wasn’t mutual but he accepted my decision.

He now has a girlfriend which he introduced to my 2 kids (aged 5 and 6) and they have been away on vacations for 10 days. She has a kid too and the 5 of them share a lot of time together even though they don’t strictly cohabitate. My daghter (6) speaks of her as of someone in her life.

My ex H doesn’t want me to meet the girlfriend (and i found out a week ago that it is her that doesn’t want, not him) I began insisting on this after they have been away for 10 days. It is not that I suspect anything particular, but it seems strange to me that given the good terms of the divorce, the formal presentation wasn’t happening. I was willing to put my best for maintaining a good relationship with her. Also I consider my kids are still young and manipulable so the fact that she accepted taking them on vacation but avoids meeting me at all costs seems like a red flag.

I want to know if anyone can give me some legal and or psychological insight as to what should i do in this case.

I don’t want to interfere with the relationship that my ex-husband has with this lady, I just want to make sure that I know the person that potentially takes care or collaborates in the taking care of my children and After all this mess i honestly, started getting a little bit anxious and paranoid about the motivations of this woman.

 

Thanks in advance!

[basil67]

I can't imagine any laws which would give you the right to meet his new partner. While it's great that you're on civil terms with your ex, she shouldn't have to meet you if she doesn't want to.

 

You will just have to trust his judgement on this one.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

i honestly, started getting a little bit anxious and paranoid about the motivations of this woman.

 

 

Honestly, I would not be anxious about her motivations. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt that it's just her anxiety. Approach it from a place of humility and optimism and hopefully she will come around. Maybe offer to email with her first to alleviate any nerves?

[Marc878]

No other woman of your H's wants an X in the mix in any way.

 

You have your time and your H has his. I suspect it will be kept very separate in the future. To be honest it'll work out best that way.

 

Stay out of it or you'll alienate yourself further.

[minimariah]

the woman's behavior is VERY odd, i agree - if your red flags went up... it's for a reason. trust your intuition & be careful. there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn't want to meet you, unless she was your xH's mistress and she feels uncomfortable or/and maybe your xH's told her things that would make her want to NOT meet you. who knows.

 

you can force her to meet you, subtly - just appear at your xH's house when you know she's there and she will have to introduce herself when she comes face to face with you; maybe you'll get a chance to do that at your children's birthday party or some other bigger event like that.

 

legally - consult your lawyers. in my country (Europe), you have the right to legally demand to know your xH's spouse or girlfriend IF they live together and if they're spending a certain amount of time with your children... so check that out.

[lunamorena]

Thanks all for your reply. At first I also believed that it was her own insecurity (which i paradoxically think that would be fixed with her meeting me, because exH and I are brother and sister erotically speaking)

The thing that got me paranoid is that she promoted the “family” trip while at the same time avoiding any kind of encounter with me. That’s when I began questioning her agenda. She wanted to have more kids and she has a medical condition so...i began fearing that she was trying to anulate me and take my place.

 

Anyway, thanks and Ill try to approach her in the humblest way possible

 

And by the way i wouldnt mind meeting any ex...I am a mom and know that kids come first, i think it would be cruel to impede someone the peace of mind just because of my own insecurities...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

exH and I are brother and sister erotically speaking

 

LOL! That made me laugh, but her insecurity, if it exists, likely has nothing to do with her fearing the two of you still want to jump into the sack. Maybe your kids gush about you, maybe you're thinner, prettier, more put together, more confident....it could be any number of things.

[lunamorena]

the woman's behavior is VERY odd, i agree - if your red flags went up... it's for a reason. trust your intuition & be careful. there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn't want to meet you, unless she was your xH's mistress and she feels uncomfortable or/and maybe your xH's told her things that would make her want to NOT meet you. who knows.

 

you can force her to meet you, subtly - just appear at your xH's house when you know she's there and she will have to introduce herself when she comes face to face with you; maybe you'll get a chance to do that at your children's birthday party or some other bigger event like that.

 

legally - consult your lawyers. in my country (Europe), you have the right to legally demand to know your xH's spouse or girlfriend IF they live together and if they're spending a certain amount of time with your children... so check that out.

 

 

Thanks Minimariah!!!

No mistress...the met on tinder long after divorce i have proof of that and even if it were that way, D was my decission and was not based on him cheating....on the other hand he doesn’t measure his words so he might have told her anything...who knows?

[d0nnivain]

No you don't have the RIGHT to meet her. However, it seems that as a mother too she would understand your curiosity & your desire to make sure that she is good for your kids.

 

I only ever dated one man with kids, I don't have kids. But when I met the EX, I tried to assure her of her son's safety. When I took him out of state once by myself both his father (my BF) and his mother (BF's ex-W) signed a permission slip giving me temporary emergency guardianship powers in the event of an emergency like if he needed hospitalization. The son was a child actor & I was the only adult available to take him to a job in another state in case you were wondering why I had somebody else's kid alone in another state.

 

Anyway, try coming at it from that angle -- safety.

[road]

Does not matter why she does not want to see you.

You are his past to her and the past is always best left in

the past.

 

As to your concerns about another woman around your kids.

Well your choice to divorce when they were young left the

front, back, side, garage, shed, and the barn doors wide open

on another woman being a mom figure to your young kids.

 

You chose a divorce and your well being first. You can not

now go back and put your kids first.

 

Sounds harsh. Do not know your story. Not judging. Though

we now know the outcome.

[carhill]

My daughter (6) speaks of her as of someone in her life.

 

If that was volunteered, sounds like daughter is pretty open and transparent. Kids that age often are. They haven't developed the social manipulation skills adults use. If you have history to support your kids being forthright and honest with you, any behavioral changes or comments, like the above, shared that would cause you to be concerned for their health and well-being? As a co-parent, that would be my primary focus.

 

The rest should be covered in your custody agreement. If you have a non-cohabitation clause, that could be enforceable. Beyond the legal stuff, everything else is voluntary, on both sides. As with millions of other couples out there who divorced with children, the remaining connection is only the co-parenting part. People date, mate, get remarried and life goes on. I've seen some friend's kids get married and that's the first time the various remarried parental partners have ever met, years or decades after divorce. Each couple is different.

 

If you believe your exH is a good parent and will keep your kids safe, that's the primary focus. Same with him and you. You will date, maybe already are, and your kids may be faced with accepting a new man in your life, as will your exH as a co-parent. It'll work out.

[somanymistakes]

It is NOT suspicious that she doesn't want to meet you. Disappointing, but not a red flag. Many women strongly want nothing to do with their partner's exes.

 

In step-parenting communities, new wives/girlfriends are often advised to have as little to do with the ex as possible, to avoid drama. Especially if the ex starts talking about wanting to "vet" the new girlfriend to see if she's "good enough" to be near the children... this is considered a warning that the ex will cause conflict.

 

Most of them will meet the ex eventually, if only in some brief handoff of the children.

 

But a "formal" presentation? You're not your ex's parent and he doesn't need your permission to date.

 

Yes, it's understandable that you'd like to meet her and know something about the woman who is near your children, but it's not something you can sensibly demand unless you have actual evidence of a problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

Most of them will meet the ex eventually, if only in some brief handoff of the children.

 

^^^ This!

 

Just lay low and I'd wager it will happen on its own and sooner rather than later. With kids, co-parenting and activities, it's almost unavoidable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Agonistes]

Absent a custody order granting you that right you do not have one. I understand your concern. My custody agreement had a no overnight clause in it. The clause became ineffective after 6 months together. The idea was to keep the kids from being exposed to a revolving door of boyfriends and girlfriends. There was also a provision that we had to be given then opportunity to meet the new lover before an overnight was allowed. Neither of us ever exercised that right.

[littleblackheart]

I understand your worries but also think they may be unfounded - your kids will always know who their mother is!

 

My kids' father has had a string of gfs since our divorce (some concommittently, according to my son!) - some they've not met, a couple they have, none I'd personally want to meet.

 

My bottom line is - are they treating my kids well? If yes, that's all I want to know. The less involvement, the less drama, the better. Paths will have to be crossed eventually once the gf situation becomes more of a permanent fixture.

[standtall]

Luna..do answer your marquee question...if you are in the states, you do not have a right to meet the Ex's love interest.

[viatori patuit]

I married a woman with two small kids. We travel all the time.

 

No way in hell will I meet her ex. Ever.

 

I don’t do exes. I think they belong in the past and have zero right to involve themselves in my life.

 

It is harsh. But it’s a choice we as new spouses (or SO) are allowed to make.

 

FYI, if my wife’s ex just “showed up” he would be forced to stand outside and wouldn’t see me. I would find that behavior offensive.

[JuneL]

OP: You can’t have it both ways. The girlfriend has no obligation to be your friend. What if this is a red flag TO YOU? You’re not the one dating her, sorry!

[HiCrunchy]

Considering you left your husband and the decision wasn't mutual, do you think that the divorce is on good terms in his eyes?

 

May be he wan't to leave you in the past and not involve you with his new relationship.

[HiCrunchy]

oops I meant in my last post

 

"maybe he wants to leave you in the past and not involve you in his new relationship".

Especially if he feels the divorce wasn't on good terms.

Edited March 22, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Mr.Me]

I personally would choose to meet the Ex's new love interest simply for human compassion and reasonable adulthood behavior.

 

I would want the new person to be able to call/text me with questions or concerns or anything pertaining to the kids. We wouldn't have to be friends but it would be nice to at least have maturity and act like adults as examples to the kids. If the kids can get love from every person they are going to be around then even better for them. That kind of culture is best I think.

 

My kids mother has a live in guy only after 1.5 months of knowing each other. He has three kids. He seeked me out as our kids schools are the same and we talked briefly and exchanged numbers. His kids have met me at the school as well. My kids tell me everything that goes on at that house and it seems reasonable. My kids mother has yet to even admit to me they are dating. She denies it all.

 

Can't say for other states but in my state your only lawful obligation is notification of work address and home address. Niether my kids mother will provide. Aside from that, I do wish more people would act like adults.