Changing love

[ophelia]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. After our first year aniversary, he proposed, although he said that he felt pressured to do so. I said yes and things went down hill from there. About a month later we faught, he thought we broke up and slept with his ex the next night. He told me the following day. Obviously everything was called off.

 

Over the past ten months, we have been working hard to make things work. But everything is SO different. I know that things arn't going to be the same, but everyting we spend time together he is commenting on how he needs to go home soon, or how he has stuff to do. I don't think he is cheating, but I don't understand why we can't spend an actual day together.

 

The other problem steams from the first. We can't talk about our future at all. Nothing, no marriage, no moving in together, if I mention it he begins to say that he feels pressured. I don't want to pressure him, but it is hard to censure youself when you are talking to someone whom you are supposed to be able to be honest with.

 

Just let me know what I am doing wrong so I can fix it. I love him, but I don't understand why everything has to be so sterile in our relationship.

[Tony T]

You're not doing anything wrong, you're just with the wrong guy.

 

And he's with the wrong girl. No self-respecting female would become engaged to a guy who admitted he proposed because he felt pressured to do so. That's just plain sick. And you were surprised things would go downhill from there??? DUH!!! You break up and he goes and sleeps with his ex the NEXT night...and you still want to marry him??? YIKES!!! Are you OK? H-E-L-L-O!!!!!!!

 

Go find the right guy and he'll die to marry you...he won't feel pressure to do so. This guy DOES NOT want to marry you and this whole scenario is not the stuff of great love and romance.

[ophelia]

Its not that easy. If I wanted to marry someone, how can I now just turn my back on him? He says he loves me and when he is ready he will ask me. He says that the only reason for people to get married is because they both want to. I love him, what if he just needs time?

[Tony T]

You just ought to think more of yourself than to put yourself through this. It takes a LOT more than love to make a marriage work.

 

My opinion is that if a guy isn't sure he at least wants to get married...if he isn't at least willing to be open to spending his life with someone...after dating her for TWO years, then there is something wrong.

 

He could very well love you to death but have serious psychological issues that engender fear and keep him from going so far in a relationship.

 

At any rate, you are looking for validation here and I'm not the one to give it to you. But I'm sure someone will come along and give you encouragement.

 

I personally don't hang around people after two years if they aren't really enthusiastic and positive about taking the relationship well into the future...if that's what I feel I want.

 

If you're going to stick around with a guy who felt pressure to get engaged to you and then screwed his ex the night after the two of you broke up, just pay some attention and set a deadline. I think it's safe to say that if he isn't thrilled about marrying you by 2025, you ought to find someone else.