OK What does this mean - warning complicated

[trickynj99]

Hi all- Very interested in feedback because I am feeling very alone and lost..

sorry if i go on a little too long

I'm early 40's male, married 15 yrs, 2 kids..lurking in these forums for a while and i see lots of supportive people...

 

wife and I get "get along" wonderfully

there are issues of course - including one biggie...

 

no sex - for 6 yrs...2 young kids, brutal job hrs, i was taking meds(i've since gone off them), had major performance problems and infrequent became never ..and oh yeah...i'm a crossdresser...

 

so last year we start really talking about the "no sex" and it seemed neither of us was interested..after i got off meds i was very interested... i was really pushing the issue and finally she told me that i was her favorite person in the world, that she adored me, she loves our life she cant imagine being without me...BUT..she's not "in love" with me, that romantically she feels "nothing"...

(Ie WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN!!!!???)

 

this goes on for months...i push and push nothing, same conversation over and over

so i go for it and tell her that i crossdress. - this is not the CAUSE of any issues we have but its certainly a big thing i unfairly kept from her...it was wrong and in alot of ways not different than cheating and i regret my dishonesty...however there is nothing i can do about now

 

i thought maybe if i took the "blame" we could move forward..

 

well its 6 months later..and still nothing..everyonce in a while we have the same exact conversation..lots of crying and always ends with her saying she feels nothing for me (but adores me) ..the last time we talked she brought up maybe we should be apart..she got so angry i finally said ok, i'm gone..i'll stay at a motel for a while and we can decide what to do..i went upstairs to pack and she said DONT GO!!!! arrggghhhh!!

 

we've been to a therapist and my wife quit. everytime it got to the heart of it ...she freaked out..

 

here's why i'm posting...i want to be married to my wife and be with my kids..

but i am FU(#@)#ING miserable...every single day, not interested in work, signs of depression creeping in...huge amount of tension i dont know what to think...

 

i'm thinking my best bet now is to drop the bomb and say i dont want to leave but i have no choice..i can love her to death and she doesnt treat me poorly its all very civil, she just gives me NOTHING NOTHING emotionally...and "talking" about is a waste of time

 

 

im a great dad, a great provider and in most ways been a great husband

by separating i would hope to drive it home that i am not just going to sit here and pay for my mistakes forever...

 

anybody got any ideas?

[LucreziaBorgia]

i was really pushing the issue and finally she told me that i was her favorite person in the world, that she adored me, she loves our life she cant imagine being without me...BUT..she's not "in love" with me, that romantically she feels "nothing"...

(Ie WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN!!!!???)

 

It means she loves you like a family member, not as a lover or in any sort of sexual context. That can happen when the biochemistry between you stops working for any number of reasons: affairs, apathy, 'settling', medical reasons, etc. The reasons hardly matter though, if the person in question is content with the situation and doesn't want to change it. I expect in her case:

 

"In love" = lust, attraction, desire, wanting closeness and intimacy

"love" = proximity, team, security, comfort, 'family love'

 

There is only one way, and one way only for that 'in love' feeling to happen again (and even so its a longshot - because once that is lost it rarely ever really returns) and that is for her to WANT to get it back. It sounds like she has settled into a comfort zone with you, has allowed her physical attraction for you fade, and basically wants someone to provide her comfort and security for the rest of her life. As long as she isn't interested in getting that 'in love' feeling back for her own sake, it won't ever come back. If she tries to do it for your sake (and it sounds like she tried and failed when she refused to get counseling with you) - she will only feel guilt and obligation to feel a way that she really doesn't want to feel with you.

 

You have a tough road ahead of you. You can't make someone want something for themselves - she has to want it for herself too.

 

You'll need to make it crystal clear what you want and need from this marriage, and listen to what she wants/needs/expects and if there can be no compromise then you'll have to make a choice: stay and suffer in this marriage, or leave it and try to find a better happiness in your life elsewhere.

[JS17]

It sounds to me like you've become her platonic best friend. She shares a life with you and cares for you. She loves you but she's not in love with you. If you're miserable then you need to make a change either with your relationship or something else.

[trickynj99]

""There is only one way, and one way only for that 'in love' feeling to happen again (and even so its a longshot - because once that is lost it rarely ever really returns) and that is for her to WANT to get it back. It sounds like she has settled into a comfort zone with you, has allowed her physical attraction for you fade, and basically wants someone to provide her comfort and security for the rest of her life. As long as she isn't interested in getting that 'in love' feeling back for her own sake, it won't ever come back. If she tries to do it for your sake (and it sounds like she tried and failed when she refused to get counseling with you) - she will only feel guilt and obligation to feel a way that she really doesn't want to feel with you.""

 

That's what i was afraid of....i dont disagree..just looking for perspectives..

Change is very scary especially with the kids but i am starting to fear its inevitable.

[RecordProducer]

I see only one problem in perspective here - your wife doesn't love you as a husband, but only as a room mate. I think you deserve someone who will desire to be with you in every way.

I understand that you don't want to leave your children and they do need both parents. It seems to me that your wife wouldn't mind if you're dating other women, because she probably sleeps with someone else already. Maybe she would agree to open marriage if that would satisfy you. Personally I would hate it, but I wouldn't be with a man who I don't desire at all. Is she generally not interested in sex or only in you?

The crossdress doesn't seem like a cruicial thing to me, but you don't need to advertise it to others either.

[trickynj99]

Record Prod-

 

Thanks alot for your thoughts..obviously i'm suffering and its great to have an outlet

 

i'm not in for an open marraige...i'm waaaay to insecure and i dont think that's right for the kids either.

 

i am a big beleiver that we all have significant control over what we call feelings and we use feelings as a cop out sometimes... my wife is angry and hurt and definitely is not feeling like a happy wife should feel about her husband, but that is not a life sentence

 

the thing is we have alot of time invested and i still have a bit of hope..my wife is very black and white in her thinking where i am much more in that grey area..

 

i know she cares for me and i beleive she is really struggling with her feelings, meaning that in her head she wants to have those feelings and can't get over the hump..

 

the crossdress thing only makes it worse..i was hoping that she would have a catharsis and feel relief that it wasnt an affair or me wanting to leave..no such luck..

 

i'm inching closer to leaving in the hope that creates an emotional period where she truly has to face the consequence of her closing up to having feelings for me...

 

thnx again for your thoughtful post.