Should I Keep Trying With My Mother In Law?

[MissCongeniality]

The woman doesn't like me and I don't blame her. I married her son because I knew his family had money and I have changed I'm trying to change at least and out of all my in laws she's the one that never lets me live down my past. I have been working on myself and I know I have a reputation around town (from before I married her son) and I probably would be just as unforgiving if one of my kids was taken advantage of in the same way I took advantage of her son.

 

I don't really understand my relationship with her I have for some weird reason always respected her and I for some reason don't mind her getting on me about my past. I've never had many older role models and I don't know why but I have been judged for my past by lots of people lots of people have mocked me or made me the punch line of their jokes but there's something different about the way she calls me out on my past. Like she's not cruel or hurtful I mean she's not my biggest fan but she's not out to make me feel bad. I feel like she is just holding me accountable.

 

It's like she expects more of me and I don't understand why I want to meet her expectations. I feel she feels I have to earn her acceptance and I don't know how to but I for some reason like that she holds me accountable even if she hates my guts. I don't know why I just feel like earning her respect and forgiveness is something I need to do.

 

She's said some very hurtful things in private and won't even speak to me in public around family. I get it and I want to make things right it's just I found out about a intervention she was planning for my husband whose developed a drinking problem and I only found out about it from her because I went to talk to her hoping she could get through to him and I learned she was already planning an intervention but she originally wasn't inviting me because she sees me as part of the problem and she didn't say it out loud but I know she doesn't see me as family.

 

Part of me wants to cut my children out of her life but I know that's the wrong thing to do and I know it would only validate her opinion of me. She didn't always hate me she used to think the world of me then I think she some how found out the truth about me and she just turned cold towards me and the worst part is I miss those times because back then I felt like and I don't know if this is the right way to describe it but I felt like I had a mother not many older women in my life have really been good role models and she made me feel like I could go to her for anything and I for the first time felt loved.

 

I just don't know what I can say to her or do that will show I'm sorry. I want to ask her for help because right now I'm living with my kids in a motel and I worry if I ask for help she'll think I'm hitting her up for cash and I just want to ask her to help her grandchildren at least because I can't do it on my own and I don't trust her son my husband right now and I know this probably makes her have a low opinion of me but I have not pride and I will do anything she wants as long as it helps my kids.

 

I just want to make things right with her I just don't know what to say and I wish she'd forgive me. I just want her to forgive me.

Edited March 19, 2018 by MissCongeniality

[Ronni_W]

It's like she expects more of me and I don't understand why I want to meet her expectations. I feel she feels I have to earn her acceptance and I don't know how to but I for some reason like that she holds me accountable even if she hates my guts.

Nah...she likes you and can see all your great potential...is the ONLY reason why anyone would spend the time, Energy and attention that it takes to help someone recognize their own great potential. .

 

If I may say, when you earn your own forgiveness and respect, that is what will make your mother-in-law happiest. (It may also have to do with her son, but I think it has more to do with just you and the person that you are - or at least, have the great potential to be - on your own, separate from him.)

 

What she said to you in private was probably something that you needed to hear, and it even may have been difficult for her to say -- those types of conversations usually are. But she cared enough to say it anyway, no matter her own reservations or potential discomfort. (As the saying goes, "Support isn't always what you want to hear, sometimes it's what you need to hear" -- so, there she was, supporting you with bells on.)

 

If you want to say something to her, maybe just that you appreciate her honesty and directness with you. If you were interested in a longer conversation, stuff about that you recognize the truth in her words and have been working - or want to work - on those exact things. And even, does she have any similar experiences from when she was younger, or suggestions, or whatever.