Boyfriend wants me to change professions

[jenniferlm]

Hello Everyone-

A bit of background. I’ve been working in bars as a job for a very long time. My new/current boyfriend would like me to quit and move on. I’d been saving for school in order to do something I thought I would enjoy doing.

The problem is he doesn’t seem to think it’s worth it for me to go to college as I’m in my mid 40s so I won’t ever make the money back before retirement age.

 

But he still wants me to get a job and pay my own part of the bills if I decide to live with him. Which is understandable but the issue is finding a job that requires no degree and no certifications. No 4 year degree / associates degree / or one or two year programs. Just a basic job that someone with a high school education can get and no previous experience. I’ve done a lot of internet searches (and the job he suggested I get ended up requiring a bachelors when I went to job postings online) but I haven’t come up with much.

I suggested working in a department store but he thought that was too menial and there are better jobs I can find.

Soooo - any suggestions?

[basil67]

I think your new boyfriend has far too many opinions. How long have you been together?

[jenniferlm]

Six months. But I have known him for years before we started dating

[basil67]

Six months. But I have known him for years before we started dating

 

I've found out the hard way that knowing a person as a friend doesn't give us any clue as to what they would be like as a partner.

 

So how do you feel about him telling you what you should and shouldn't work as? Or whether or should or shouldn't study? Are YOU happy with your current job and future plans?

[jenniferlm]

I can see his point as far as school / money. My ex bf said the same thing.

I get the feeling he wants me to somehow find this miraculous job that is far more impressive than I’ll ever be able to get.

I think working in a department store store is realistic. He suggested I become a project manager. Which is not. He said that working in a dept store wouldn’t pay much and was menial and I’d sell myself short.

My past job history includes mostly working in bars. I’ve worked in restaurants as a waitress (a long time ago) and a very long time ago I was a bank teller - I got fired from the teller job for messing up and not being accurate. But I was successful at waitressing and working in a bar.

I did work at a department store once when I was high school so that’s why I suggested it - it’s easy to get and seems to be “in my range”

I realize working in a bar isn’t an ideal job. It’s a crappy environment. So I can understand the viewpoint he has. I’d like to move on as well. That’s why I was saving for a college education. I was a bit optimistic as far as that goes I guess. I made a linked in profile for myself and have read countless stories how people who are older have a hard time finding a job. So there’s that in addition to viable working years after graduation.

[d0nnivain]

There is no way you will ever find a job in your mid-40s with no degree & no experience that pays as much as bartending. I have a fancy prestigious post graduate degree but made more money the last year I bartended then the 1st year I worked in my chosen field. Granted over the years, I now make more money then I would make in a lifetime of bartending but that took time to gain experience on top of the degrees. If you stop bartending & get a minimum wage job in a department store (a dying industry) you will never be able to pay your bills.

 

Your BF needs a wakeup call about economics in America.

 

If you are serious about your studies, at least sign up to do an on line class or two. At this point you may be better served getting practical skills like a nursing degree or a CDL license rather then some fancy sheepskin that wouldn't readily turn into an income quickly.

[Art_Critic]

I dated a girl in my early 20's that wanted to me to sell my business and move out of state, she felt my work was too much for me and took up too much of my time.

We broke up a few months later, I'm now almost 55 and still own the same company and have never been happier in my job..

 

Thank goodness I didn't do what she wanted, it was self serving and didn't have my best interests at heart..

 

Same with your BF, his request is self serving and doesn't have your best interests at heart...

 

You have been saving for school, what's wrong with him working that angle and helping you there instead of having you uproot your whole income stream because he doesn't like where you work ?

 

Personally... I would look long and hard at this relationship...

[healing light]

I went to one of the top universities in the nation for my undergraduate degrees. One of my professors told me he made way more money bartending than he did teaching there. I never forgot that.

 

I echo what some of the other posters said here. Start taking some online courses that can apply toward your degree and see if you even like it. I wouldn't give up your job so readily unless you had another one lined up that paid as well.

 

In terms of economic value, a business degree is versatile and tends to pay better out the gate for entry-level jobs than other types of degrees unless you become a STEM major. However, I know from one of my friends with a high-level job that is very enmeshed in that world that older applicants tend to be discriminated against and overlooked for not being at a certain point in their career.

 

What kind of education are you looking to pursue?

[jenniferlm]

I was considering flight school. The U.S. has a mandatory retirement age. But places outside of the U.S do not. I’m not attached to living in the U.S and willing to live other places for a change. I’ve done it before. I searched for a long time to find something I actually wanted to do. Everyone always said find something you will feel a passion for that you will enjoy...so this came along and sounded great. But I’m not getting much support or positivity.

[Tribble]

In your OP you said he has concerns about you contributing to the bills if you move in together. How do you pay your bills now? What is your living situation? Presumably you have enough money to live and save for college so why would this change if you move in together?

 

Personally, no-one has a say in my life-changing decisions. I will seek opinions from the people closest to be (parents, friends, partner if applicable), but the decision is mine. Is he demanding or suggesting? What gives him the right to say what you should or shouldn't do, especially considering you've only been dating for 6 months! You could break up tomorrow.

 

Now I know nothing about flight school, but it strikes me as a long-term training kind of thing. Is this realistic for you right now? I fully advocate finding something you enjoy but unfortunately you need to be realistic. For yourself, not your bf.

[Keats]

He's a boy friend. He's editing your life and then can leave you at anytime.

 

Divorce is hard for a reason lol

 

Think it's more important what you think of yourself.

 

Because he's not going to support you.

 

Your going to support yourself.

[jenniferlm]

If I kept my current job I would have no money troubles. My BF has wanted me to get out of the bar. And I get that. It’s not a great environment. I work every weekend and so I’m unavailable when everyone else is a available for social things. I’m also on a different schedule than most people. I’m up late and not up early ever. The people in and around the bars aren’t always that great. I don’t really enjoy it at all. I’d like to go to school and find something I enjoy.

 

There are flight schools in the US that get you flying and in a job in three years. That’s a little less then a bachelors.

I’d planned on finishing my private license while I was still working in the bar so I’d get credit for that and it would shorten the training time in the school even further.

But like any school it is an expense. And some people just don’t think it’s worth it to spend the money now that I’m no longer in my 20s.

 

I also get what people are saying when they tell me that he could be gone tomorrow. I tell people this all the time in the bar when they come in to complain. I’ve known some customers longer than their marriage lasted. For some customers - I have known them longer than multiple marriages have lasted for them.

 

My real question was concerning school and is it worth it at my age. And alternate options if it was not.

[d0nnivain]

I think education is always worth it. But you should make sure that upon graduation you will make enough money to repay any loans.

 

A woman I know took on huge student debt then didn't graduate so no new higher paying job & now she's stuck trying to repay student loans on her old low salary.

[jenniferlm]

With the money I have saved. I won’t have to get any loans at all. My home will also be paid for by the end of next year. I still have some money to save though - but if everything’s keeps going ok - then I should be ok. If some kind of emergency happens and I end up being a little cash poor I may have to take out a loan then. But I’m thinking I won’t need any loans at all. I’ve been saving since 2011.

I kinda decided today that I’d go ahead and do school. It’s my money. I’ve earned it. If I want to waste it I can! It’s not like I won’t be able to pay bills once I’m out of school and have a job so it won’t be the end of the world.

[BC1980]

With the money I have saved. I won’t have to get any loans at all. My home will also be paid for by the end of next year. I still have some money to save though - but if everything’s keeps going ok - then I should be ok. If some kind of emergency happens and I end up being a little cash poor I may have to take out a loan then. But I’m thinking I won’t need any loans at all. I’ve been saving since 2011.

I kinda decided today that I’d go ahead and do school. It’s my money. I’ve earned it. If I want to waste it I can! It’s not like I won’t be able to pay bills once I’m out of school and have a job so it won’t be the end of the world.

 

What are you thinking about doing? You need to make sure there are jobs available in your field. I would suggest something in STEM of a medical field. I'm also kinda confused about something. If your house is about to be paid off, then you can obviously afford a house. But you said that your BF wants you to be able to pay your share of the bills if you move in together. Why would he assume you couldn't pay your share of the bills?

 

I also wouldn't consider selling your house and moving in a with a guy to pay half of his bills if he wouldn't marry me. That is not a wise move if it comes to that.

[kgcolonel]

Jennifer,

 

Quick question....you state that you're working in a bar....can you be more specific as to exactly why your BF would like you to make a change. From the surface, it sounds like you're doing pretty darn well, paying for college in full, house paid for etc. Is it the specific job in the bar your BF has an issue with?

 

Secondly, do you agree with your BF that you need to do something else? You seem to state that you agree with him but the messaging seems to point a finger at him which can lead us to seeing him in a negative light as in controlling.

 

Thirdly, have you thought about a trade school. Most of the people today that do better, quicker do so through a trade school as opposed to a university. As a 40 year old college grad, you'll be better than without a degree however you'll be competing with 20 somethings and as a 50 something that's not too much fun....just a thought.

[preraph]

Learn a trade. In my later 40s, a bank trained me to do service maintenance on ATMS.

 

You'd probably have to pay to learn it now. But learn something like working on medical equipment or ADT security doing wiring and setup. Those jobs pay pretty well and it's only a couple of years at a trade school. Plus you'll meet lots of guys and maybe find one who's not as bossy as your boyfriend!

[Marc878]

I went to college at night part time. It was a small college and inexpensive.

 

Once you get a degree you can earn well in the experience counts more that where you got your degree from.

 

I'm in finance. Once I passed the CPA exam no one cared where my degree came from.

[Noproblem]

Follow your dreams

and stick to what you know best and most comfortable at!

 

 

Don't listen to a boyfriend that might dump you at any minute!

 

Listen to what you want!

 

 

So what if you are 40, most of the people at my community college were studying new things in their late 30s, and 40's

 

People do that now, so follow your path and if he wants to stay, he is welcome so long he doesn't tell you what to do or not!

 

 

You are an adult, stop letting others define your life!

[skywriter]

I was considering flight school. The U.S. has a mandatory retirement age. But places outside of the U.S do not. I’m not attached to living in the U.S and willing to live other places for a change. I’ve done it before. I searched for a long time to find something I actually wanted to do. Everyone always said find something you will feel a passion for that you will enjoy...so this came along and sounded great. But I’m not getting much support or positivity.

 

 

My step brother was a flight instructor in the Navy. When his tour ended , he left the military and moved to Richmond Virginia. He invested his savings into a private jet, (not large), and opened his own charter business. This was 25 years ago and he's extremely successful.

 

He works only in the US, and has done quite well with it.

Edited March 23, 2018 by skywriter

[jenniferlm]

Thanks for the reply.

With the amount I’ve saved I’ll be able to have school paid and house paid off but not enough for a jet I’m afraid. If only!

I figure after flight school I’ll work for a charter company. I’m not all that interested in working for a major airline. I’m also not attached in any way to America and wouldn’t mind living and working overseas in other countries that didn’t have the age restrictions for pilot jobs that America does.

At my current job working in a bar I’m able to support myself. However with no education or skills or experience (other then the bar) there didn’t seem to be anything out there that could allow me to pay bills and quit working in the bar.

My boyfriend thinks school would be a waste of money because at my age I won’t be able to make the money back. He thinks I should try to get a job and seems to think there are jobs out there for someone like me.

I was doubtful as many positions that pay you enough to pay the bills (that aren’t in a bar) seem to require a two or four year degree.

Women I’ve met that don’t have degrees in the workforce have a husband that takes up the slack monetarily.

So far I haven’t been able to come up with a no degree solution. And neither has anyone else really

I do agree with my boyfriend I should make a change.

As with anyone who has worked in a bar a long time - you get sick of the hours. Long/late nights. No weekends off. Drunk people. And the basic crap

you have to put up with from men and women (bar customers are often annoying and terrible).

I think I’ll just go ahead and go to flight school. If I never make the money back so be it. I’ll be a lot happier doing things my own way.

[d0nnivain]

Since you have an interest in aviation & experience in hospitality, would you consider applying to work as a flight attendant while going to flight school?

[Els]

So, let me get this...

 

- He wants you to quit your current career path

- He doesn't want you to go to school

- He doesn't want you to work in a department store

- He doesn't want to do jack**** to help you switch careers

- He wants you to sell your house and move in with him and split the bills

- He has only been with you for all of 6 months

 

Yeah.... no. I'd be seriously wary about a guy like this.

 

My real question was concerning school and is it worth it at my age. And alternate options if it was not.

It's hard to say, it really depends on your field and location. I probably wouldn't advise something like medicine or grad school for the simple reason that it'd take another 10 years before you even get started on your career. But a 1- or 2-year technical certification could be a great idea for various fields (e.g. tech support, coding, medical transcription, pharmacy assistant, radiology technician, etc).

 

Flight school sounds good but I would caution you to be aware of the actual lifestyle that a flight attendant lives. There is good reason why most flight attendants are in their 40s or younger. The constant timezone switches, long haul flights, working at high altitude, etc can really take a toll on your body. It's hard for most 20 year olds and will be even harder for a 40 or 50 year old. That isn't to say that you shouldn't do it, but you should talk to a few people who are working as flight attendants first. One of my friends has been a flight attendant for a decade and she says she will be looking to segue into a new career (or be a SAHM) after she hits her mid-30s because there's no way she can do it for much longer.

Edited March 25, 2018 by Elswyth

[salparadise]

There are flight schools in the US that get you flying and in a job in three years. That’s a little less then a bachelors.

I’d planned on finishing my private license while I was still working in the bar so I’d get credit for that and it would shorten the training time in the school even further. But like any school it is an expense. And some people just don’t think it’s worth it to spend the money now that I’m no longer in my 20s.

 

If you're talking about flying for the airlines, be careful in assuming what it means to be "in a job." Low time pilots fly the connector planes––smaller, prop driven, connecting small airports to the major hubs. The pay is crap... because of supply/demand. They know you have to build hours to move up, and there's only one way to do that. Long days, short sleep, much time away from home, lousy accommodations. These pilots often have a room share situations near an airport where many share a space to make it affordable (people in and out all the time). Low time pilot continue paying their dues for quite some time, and that includes both low pay and a difficult lifestyle.

 

I'm not sure how long it takes to move into the high paying jobs, or if everyone actually makes it. I know a guy who paid for his own flight school and has been flying for maybe 20 years, and he makes a boatload of money (250k) flying internationally for a charter jet company. He works a week on, a week off, meaning he's away from home half the time.

 

 

I also get what people are saying when they tell me that he could be gone tomorrow.

 

It's true, unfortunately. I suggest that you make your decisions for yourself. He's not likely to be willing to make sacrifices for a flying career either. His perspective is all about getting his needs met, and likely about his ego too.

 

 

My real question was concerning school and is it worth it at my age. And alternate options if it was not.

 

Listen up, please... this is really why I'm posting. You still have as much as 20-25-30 years of working life ahead of you. Do you really want to be bartending when you're 65-70? Is there even such a thing? You aren't getting any younger, and your options will get thinner the longer you wait. If you have the smarts and dedication to be successful in school, do it now! Choose a field that has good demand and salary, a barrier to entry (professional license required for example), and not something software or robots will be replacing anytime soon.

 

Sure you don't have as much time as you once did, but you do have time, and this is simply the only way to break out of the paycheck to paycheck, subsistence lifestyle. No matter how old you are, investing in your future through education is nearly always the smart move.

[Els]

Ah, I apologize, I read the "flight attendant" post above mine and made the wrong assumption that that's what you meant by "flight school".

 

Being a pilot in major airlines is a bit more conducive to aging - they tend to have lighter schedules than flight attendants and get more time in between timezone changes. However, there's a reason why they are given more time, and it's not for their sake per se, it's for the sake of all the passengers on their plane and consequently the airline's reputation.

 

Being a pilot in a charter/regional company is a bit different. Again, you'd have to talk to people who have done it, but my impression is that the pay is low. This is because new pilots all need to build up their flight hours in order to GET into a major airline, so they'll take what they're given. Kinda like doctors in their trainee/residency years.

 

Unfortunately I really doubt it's possible to be a flight attendant while going to pilot school. Besides the fact that you need training (usually at least 6 months) to even BE a flight attendant, your schedules will not allow it. AFAIK new flight attendants get last pick for schedules, and pilot training schedules are fairly intense.

Edited March 25, 2018 by Elswyth