What should I do?

[Doorstopper]

it's very likely your mom already knows that you are aware of this affair. There's no reason why the OM wouldn't have warned her as soon as you spoke to him. That plus the fact that your relationship with your mom as you have said has not really been great leads me to believe you're probably better off to just talk to your dad.

[standtall]

IMHO, MYOB and use your discernment with advice.

[DKT3]

it's very likely your mom already knows that you are aware of this affair. There's no reason why the OM wouldn't have warned her as soon as you spoke to him. That plus the fact that your relationship with your mom as you have said has not really been great leads me to believe you're probably better off to just talk to your dad.

 

Yeah sadly I agree, but one could still hope that her mother wouldn't allow her daughter to carry that burden. I guess not all should be parents.

[road]

it's very likely your mom already knows that you are aware of this affair. There's no reason why the OM wouldn't have warned her as soon as you spoke to him. That plus the fact that your relationship with your mom as you have said has not really been great leads me to believe you're probably better off to just talk to your dad.

 

No.

 

The OM would not tell her mom that she knows because he would

have to explain why she knows and the OM does not want the mom

to find out that he has been trying to tap her daughter.

[Adotta]

No.

 

The OM would not tell her mom that she knows because he would

have to explain why she knows and the OM does not want the mom

to find out that he has been trying to tap her daughter.

 

That's not gaurunteed. He may be stupid. Or he may believe his job is more important then pissing of the ww wife of his boss.

[donotmicrowave]

Early in the morning, before me and my father met, I booked a room in a very nice spa hotel with plenty of activities that my dad loves. It was something I did without giving much thought to it. I only paid for a few nights, as I couldn't afford more.

 

I printed out the e-mails and went to meet up with my dad. We were measuring rooms and making plans, an hour later we sat down to have some hot tea. I'm not going to write down the entire conversation, but I believe I did well in telling him. I'd thought about the hows and whens a lot, I was calm, told him what I remembered and what the OM told me himself. My dad was quiet for a very long time after I finished, said that he suspected it and just broke down crying. I have never seen my dad like that. It's clear to me he's humiliated, hurt, and his self-esteem is absolutely crushed. We just cried together for quite a while.

 

Then he turned very angry. He got mad at me for a while, telling me that I should've told him sooner (he was in shock and hurt, I didn't take it personally at all), we were a long way from my mother, but he was about to run to the car and go confront my mother. He was absolutely furious. So I pulled out the hotel card.

 

I told him to go, and figure things out, decide how to proceed. That no matter what happens, me and my little sister (who isn't aware of what's happening) will support him. He tried to resist and go, but I simply told him that my father won't go and show up to work like this, he will take his time, and handle this with dignity. I'm not sure if that was rude in any way. But he really calmed down after that. Hugged me, and said "okay". He is there now. But I felt too bad to tell him about the OM's attempts on me. I still feel like that was right of me, though.

 

I went to work after that. And, as suggested by some of the people here, my mother did know. The OM had cried out to her. My mother stormed into my office and was so SO angry. She was screaming, I'm sure everyone heard. I just kept my mouth shut. She blamed me for being a delusional liar, that I'm stupid and can't get anything done, and so on. When she asked "What do you have to say now?", I just showed her the printed out e-mails. She read them for a while, over and over again. She turned pale. So I put the recording of him caressing my hair and hand in front of her, and she stormed out crying.

 

I went home early, I just couldn't bear being there. If mother won't deal with the OM, I'll handle it myself. A sad pervert like him won't get to touch me or make me uncomfortable.

 

I'm very grateful for all the advice here. I like eharing different opinions too. But about the truth coming out, I will make this about me, too. I wouldn't have wanted to live with the guilt.

Edited March 21, 2018 by donotmicrowave

[WilyWill]

You handled this with grace and maturity, kid. When I was 19 years old I was nowhere near being capable of what you did.

 

Your mother owes you and your family one HUGE apology. Don't let her make you believe otherwise. Don't let her hide or rationalize. Time for Pervo to get a pink slip. Ask your mother if she's ready to move in with him and continue her life of sick deviancy.

Edited March 21, 2018 by WilyWill

[Marc878]

Excellent job in handling this. Your mother was attempting to cover for her AP at your expense until the overwhelming evidence was in front of her.

 

Save it all and when your dad has calmed down give it to him.

 

Unfortunately you can't trust your mom at this time.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

 

The other man has to go!!!!!

[Adotta]

Your mother sounds like a piece of ****. She would rather abuse her daughter verbally then face the music. Real piece of work. And her response tells me everything I need to know. She was still involved with this om and she was hurt he was chasing after you. She's scared to lose money and security and more. She doesn't care about her family.

 

You might have lost your relationship with your mother but it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with by the sound of it.

 

You may want to look into DNA testing yourself and or your sister. This may have been going on for longer then you thought and it seems your mother is crap enough to pass this guy's children off as your fathers. If you don't want to I understand but I hope you know your father probably wouldn't love you any less.

 

Seriously I would cut your mother out of your life. At least for a good while.

 

Please keep us updated. This drama is no where near over. Your gonna have alot on your plate. Just know that we are here if you need us.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Adotta

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe invite your dad here if he needs to talk. I'll be thinking of him.

 

I hope the perv quits the company. Once your dad finds out the moves he's made on you and reads that email, a whole 'nother layer is going to be added to this mess.

 

God bless you for having the forethought to get the hotel room (and for being patient when he got angry at you). You sound like a loving daughter.

[Try]

But I felt too bad to tell him about the OM's attempts on me.

When she asked "What do you have to say now?", I just showed her the printed out e-mails. She read them for a while, over and over again. She turned pale. So I put the recording of him caressing my hair and hand in front of her, and she stormed out crying.

Since you went home early, and your dad is at the hotel, go back and tell him about your confrontation with your mother, and then show him the emails and video. It would be much better for your dad at the office going forward if he was able to fire the other man (OM) for sexaul herassmanet, rather than having to admit that he was firing him for having an affair with his wife. Do this now before anything more happens.

[Adotta]

Since you went home early, and your dad is at the hotel, go back and tell him about your confrontation with your mother, and then show him the emails and video. It would be much better for your dad at the office going forward if he was able to fire the other man (OM) for sexaul herassmanet, rather than having to admit that he was firing him for having an affair with his wife. Do this now before anything more happens.

 

Agreed. All info you give your dad at this point is ammo and armor for him. Yes it might hurt him a bit but not knowing could end up being worse. As it is now he has nothing but your word against hers and from your older threads you dad seems to follow your mothers lead. The more info he has the less likely to be manipulated he will be.

 

Also you may use this chance to connect with your father. It seems that while your mother is nearly a demon your father isn't all that warm either. You may be able to use this chance to bring you and him together.

 

Also also.... if your father expresses more anger at you for not telling earlier just tell him the truth. You where very young back then and didn't truly understand the implications. That you struggled with understanding this for a long time and that you never wanted him to hurt but in the end you decided he should know.

 

Be ready for your mother to playevery trick in the book to call you a liar. If she gets booted out she will lose alot.

 

Have you thought about informing the om wife? You may want to do it yourself if your father wont. But if he will leave it to him. But in the end she also deserves to know her marriage was a big sham.

[donotmicrowave]

I'm so glad to hear you guys thought I did well. Though I'm not handling it like a champ right now. Guess it's starting to really hit me.

 

My mother has been quite the witch, and I have had my fair share of issues with my dad. But in the end, my father loved and supported me, while mother continued punishing me.

 

I could go see my dad tomorrow evening, after work. But I'm so worried it might be too much? I don't know. I have no idea what he's feeling exactly, I don't know what would be best. Though I like what Adotta said - me telling him about the OM now wouldn't just be hurt and more disappointment for him, it'd also be ammunition and protection.

 

 

On another note. My little sister will be home in two days. She's currently abroad with her dance group. This really worries me. No idea what mother is up to or what she's going to do, my dad isn't there and most likely won't be for quite a while. My sister is a "mommy's girl" too. She's very bright, and as she's already almost 15, it'd be ridiculous to keep this information from her. She WILL know something's wrong.

Edited March 21, 2018 by donotmicrowave

[JuneL]

[]I really get the feeling that your father already “knew”, and had been trying to avoid seeing the truth. He was probably mad that he finally had to handle the truth.

Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topica content

[Adotta]

I'm so glad to hear you guys thought I did well. Though I'm not handling it like a champ right now. Guess it's starting to really hit me.

 

My mother has been quite the witch, and I have had my fair share of issues with my dad. But in the end, my father loved and supported me, while mother continued punishing me.

 

I could go see my dad tomorrow evening, after work. But I'm so worried it might be too much? I don't know. I have no idea what he's feeling exactly, I don't know what would be best. Though I like what Adotta said - me telling him about the OM now wouldn't just be hurt and more disappointment for him, it'd also be ammunition and protection.

 

 

On another note. My little sister will be home in two days. She's currently abroad with her dance group. This really worries me. No idea what mother is up to or what she's going to do, my dad isn't there and most likely won't be for quite a while. My sister is a "mommy's girl" too. She's very bright, and as she's already almost 15, it'd be ridiculous to keep this information from her. She WILL know something's wrong.

 

I think you handled it very well too. You maybe dropped the ball a tiny but by holding back about the creep harassing you but seeing as you have evidence besides your dad questioning why you held that back you don't have to worry about it to much. Just tell him you thought he already had alot on his plate and where afraid of giving him to much all at once. He should understand.

 

Your dad is going to need somone right now. Your going to need somone too. Your mother has done alot to hurt BOTH of you. Don't be afraid to rely on him. The fact you are relying on him a bit may actually make this easier for him. He will have to be strong for you. That can only help him. Talk to him about him seeing a therapist as well. He will probably act like he doesn't need it but there will be ideas and thoughts he will struggle with that he will not feel comfortable talking to his daughter. Things like feeling emasculated.

Tell him he has nothing to be ashamed of.... because he doesnt. Your mother deserves the shame not him.

 

About your younger sister..... that's tricky. It sounds like your mother has her hooks in her. The fact that your mother treats you like garbage but treats her like gold actually may be telling. If she doesn't respect and love your father she can't reveal that in its entirety to him for fear of getting the boot out the door. she may have transfered some of that resentment to his duaghter..... you. But if your younger sister isn't your fathers she wouldn't transfer that anger and Resentment because your sister isn't his but actually the daughter of the man she really loves. That would make her special in her mother's eyes. I know it may be hard to accept but the dates and times of this affair seems to match up with the birth of your sister. I don't know what you want to do with that info but that's my hypothesis.

 

I'd say just sit her down as soon as you get the chance maybe even call her before she gets back and tell her things back home are going crazy. To be prepared for alot of arguing and confusion and tell her you love her. How much to reveal is up to you to decide but I wouldn't blame you for telling her everything. ask your dad his thoughts on this. he will probably want to hide it but explain to him that She will wonder why her family is at war with itself with no idea of the real reasons otherwise. That can mess a young person up if they never get answers. They may even blame themselves. As if they could have done something to stop this. Make sure she doesn't think that. 15 isn't so young that she can't understand this. But again that's up to you. Your judgment on what she can or can not take will play a role. And your mother is going to spin alot of lies about all of this as well.

 

How are you holding up? It's going to be important to look after yourself. This is going to be extremely stressfull. You need to find at least a few minutes every day to let go and not think about this. To breathe in and find a little enjoyment. Take a walk. Play with a pet. see a friend. Don't spend every second focused on this or you will burn yourself out.

 

You mentioned in other threads you have started that you are seeing a therapist. Are you still seeing the therapist? You may want to see one soon.

 

Don't hate your self. None of this is your fualt. From what I can read your a good girl. You have morals and feel tons of empathy for others. You have a good heart and a good head. Keep your chin up. Walk tall. You should be proud of yourself. Don't let this destroy you.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Adotta

[road]

I would go and check in on your dad tonight. Bring him his

favorite snack. Also best to not put off telling your dad about

the OM hitting on you.

[rachelangelo]

Wow. I'm sorry. This is a difficult situation. I agree with the other comments. I think you should speak with your mom. As difficult as it may be, try not to come at her in anger and accusation. Tell her what you know and see how she responds. It's not your responsibility to tell your father.

 

As far as dealing with the guy at work--that is sexual harassment. You need to tell someone who can help. You do not need to deal with that alone.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I think I’d use a different tack.

 

 

Your dad may or may not know but that’s his marriages

 

If it was me I would let my mother know that I knew, I saw. And that her lover confessed to me and that she should discuss with your father before it came out some other way.

 

What I would bring immediately to the attention of your father with whatever proof you have that this man is grooming you and sexually assaulting you. It seems like that would end his employment, their friendship and deal with the man .

[Mr Blunt]

Your father is very emotionally attached to three women; his wife, you, and your sister. His emotional attachment to his wife is forever damaged. They may be able to patch some things up but there is now a crack in their relationship that is permanent.

 

 

Your father has had a nuclear bomb go off in his emotions and he may act out of character to even you. You have already handled one of his lashing out to you very well but be prepared for more. Do not expect your father to not be greatly affected by your mom’s betrayal and his friends attempt to seduce you. He may hurt your feelings but always be thinking of how you can keep your positive relationship with him.

 

 

 

More than likely he will need you and your sister’s love more than ever. When I was in your father’s shoes I eventually looked to my children to help fill the hole on my heart. I know this is a lot for a 19 year old but this is reality and you will have to focus on your relationship to your father as it is obvious that you love him very much. Get all the help that you can from all sources as this crisis is going to be very emotional for quite some time.

[donotmicrowave]

I'll follow the advice and go see my dad tonight. Hearing about the behavior of the OM will be a lot for him to take in, but he needs to know. My plan is to not show that I'm uncomfortable or disgusted by him, not now. My dad would flip if he knew that the jerk has influence over me.

 

Mother and the OM aren't at work today. They didn't know that I made my dad go to a hotel, so I'm sure they were trying to avoid him, thinking that he was around. As for the jerk's wife, she will know. She absolutely deserves to know, both about the infidelity and his attempts on me. I will discuss it with my father later tonight as well, I don't think I should be the one telling her about her husband's tendency to cheat. But yeah, I'll visit my dad with cupcakes I made last night!

 

I have also decided to handle my little sister by myself. We're very close, and I don't trust my mother with her whatsoever. I doubt she'd speak the truth, and my little sister is no fool. I won't go into the details, but I want her to be prepared before she faces her mother and father. And I want her to know how precious she is, with no lies.

 

As for me, I'm hanging in there. There's a lot of work right now, and I've also taken my dad's job upon myself (he's taught me well). I have my moments where I start to break, but I just tell myself that I don't have the time for it now, I can be upset later. I'm still actively attending therapy as well, my therapist is amazing! I would be crying under a table right now if I didn't have her..

 

Thank you for the great support and advice!! I am very very grateful!

[donotmicrowave]

..My dad just sent me a text message:

 

"It was very brave of you to tell me. I'm so glad to have my two lovely beautiful daughters. We'll be alright!"

 

Love that dude!!

[Marc878]

You are much wiser than your age. Telling the truth and doing the right thing is never wrong.

 

this is a defining moment for you. You've handled it well.

 

Your dad is proud and should be.

 

Take care

[BluesPower]

You are much wiser than your age. Telling the truth and doing the right thing is never wrong.

 

this is a defining moment for you. You've handled it well.

 

Your dad is proud and should be.

 

Take care

 

Here, here... Could not agree more.

 

It is so nice to see a young person with such strength of character.

 

I am kind of guessing that maybe your dad had more influence on your upbringing than your mom did.

 

Still I am sorry that your were put into this situation.

 

Just be prepared for what is going to happen in your family. Your dad is really hurting and will be for a while. Odds are that he will divorce your mother, all most assuredly when he finds out about the length and depth of your mothers affair.

 

You are going to need to continue to be strong for him. And don't let him alone with your mother or the OM for a while. Probably several months.

 

He may not be a violent man, but this kind of this makes a lot of really good men snap.

 

And above all, you have to realize through everything that is coming that you did not cause this, your mother did. She bears 100% full and complete responsibility for everything.

 

Still, I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this...

[JuneL]

OP: Personally, I would have reported the guy’s sexual harassment and get him fired the first thing, even before telling your dad about the affair. It’s no surprise that your dad said you’re brave, as I suspect he “knew” the affair all along, but was not brave enough to confront the truth. It seems that your dad is the kind of person who would let your mother walk all over him.

[donotmicrowave]

OP: Personally, I would have reported the guy’s sexual harassment and get him fired the first thing, even before telling your dad about the affair. It’s no surprise that your dad said you’re brave, as I suspect he “knew” the affair all along, but was not brave enough to confront the truth. It seems that your dad is the kind of person who would let your mother walk all over him.

 

Well, my dad is the owner of the company, and he'll know tonight.

 

He knew something was up with my mother and the OM for sure. As he stated, he suspected. Perhaps he didn't want to believe it and was in denial, I have no idea! But that's the past, gotta move forward now.