Spoiled (Rotten?)

[db1984]

So I have a new boyfriend (just over 2 months). Things moved fast and he introduced me to his kids early on. My observations as an experienced single parent are that my boyfriend is lacking some parenting skills to the point where his 10 and 7 year old walk all over him. He is controlled by these kids to a large degree, not entirely. He takes them out constantly to amuse them, and spends a lot of money at places like Chuck E. Cheese several times a week. When he has them (one week on, one week off) it is like hell because it is child focused to the degree that it is too anchoring. He lets them stay up until 11-12 on weekends. His son 10 often raises his voice at him, told him to shut up once. There were no real consequences. His younger daughter is worse. She eats so much sweets and candy. She jumps all over the furniture, makes a huge mess everywhere and can be deliberately disobedient, rude nasty to her father ("you're stupid" or "shut up" or "no, I'm not doing that"), hits other children etc and is never shown any real consequences for bad behavior that I can tell.

 

 

So I tried to discuss this with my boyfriend and offered some advice based on my experience. My son is 19 and well adjusted.

 

 

My bf felt attacked. Was quite defensive and has now formed the opinion that I do not like his kids. He shut the conversation down pretty quickly and we just got into a big fight.

 

 

I don't dislike his kids necessarily, I just think they need some real "parenting" before they become total nightmares.

 

 

If I have any future with this guy, will he not figure out that he needs to get on board with some actual parenting or is this "fun dad" guilt-ridden existence just going to prevail forever until these kids are teenagers and reeking havoc on both of our lives????

 

 

Not sure what I am getting myself involved in here. I don't usually date men with children. For this exact reason. I didn't even mention the baby mama drama. There's another post in there....lol

[noelle303]

<snip>

 

 

So I tried to discuss this with my boyfriend and offered some advice based on my experience. My son is 19 and well adjusted.

 

 

My bf felt attacked. Was quite defensive and has now formed the opinion that I do not like his kids. He shut the conversation down pretty quickly and we just got into a big fight.

 

I don't dislike his kids necessarily, I just think they need some real "parenting" before they become total nightmares. If I have any future with this guy, will he not figure out that he needs to get on board with some actual parenting or is this "fun dad" guilt-ridden existence just going to prevail forever until these kids are teenagers and reeking havoc on both of our lives????

 

Not sure what I am getting myself involved in here. I don't usually date men with children. For this exact reason. I didn't even mention the baby mama drama. There's another post in there....lol

 

A completely expected reaction.

 

My advice - never ever dish out parenting advice to people who have not seeked it or complained to you about a situation. This is especially important when it comes to dating someone with kids.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for two years. If he at any point was starting to tell me how I should parent my daughter, we would have a HUGE problem.

 

These are his kids, you're not living with them, you're not the stepmom, you're just somone they're dad is dating. You need to stay out of this.

 

You're allowed to have an opinion on his parenting and if, due to this opinion, he is not a man with whom you see a happy future (and that future includes his kids) then I suggest you walk out now. There is also an option of staying with him, but removing yourself from his family life.

Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[healing light]

It's only been two months. Your advice won't be welcome. I would get out now.

[MsJayne]

No, he won't ever figure that one out, a lot of single parents don't. I've experienced it myself, seen girlfriends experience it, and seen guy friends experience it. It's only a matter of time before these obnoxious brats start being rude to you as well. Fact is, he's a terrible, irresponsible, and lazy parent, and his children are vile. You've hit the nail on the head about the guilt-ridden thing, that's the actual issue, he's so busy worrying that his kids won't like him that he's ignoring the fact that they're becoming awful people.

 

My own experience involved me being nice to the kids at first, until they started being rude and disrespectful to me in my own home, at which point I read them the riot act and later told their father he wasn't to being them to my place until they learned some manners and respect. Cue massive fight and break up. I was accused of not understanding, of being cruel, and of course the old chestnut, "You don't even have kids so you don't know what you're talking about."

 

My advice would be to shut the door in this guys face now. If he's too weak & stupid to recognize emotional blackmail from a couple of kids, (often primed and encouraged by a bitter ex), he's too weak and stupid to be in a relationship. You'll just be cutting out the middle part where you grow more and more disillusioned until you have even less respect for him than his horrible kids.

Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

He takes them out constantly to amuse them, and spends a lot of money at places like Chuck E. Cheese several times a week.

 

But you do sound judgmental. Why do you care where he takes his kids and how much money he spends on them? At this point, none of your business...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Timshel]

At two months into a relationship, surprised you are privy to this much abuse.

 

Ok, he perhaps isn't the parent of the year. You are getting to know him and his parenting skills, which aren't great.

 

What part of your post doesn't have you running like your hair is on fire, lol.

 

Run, db1984, head for safer ground.

[BaileyB]

If you don't like his parenting skills or his baby mama, you always have the option not to date him... After all, it's only been two months. It shouldn't be too hard to put him in your past.

[db1984]

<snip>

My advice would be to shut the door in this guys face now. If he's too weak & stupid to recognise emotional blackmail from a couple of kids, (often primed and encouraged by a bitter ex), he's too weak and stupid to be in a relationship. You'll just be cutting out the middle part where you grow more and more disillusioned until you have even less respect for him than his horrible kids.

 

 

Thank you. He often talks about the "future" and wants me to see his kids as potential step-children. Wants me to consider that this is a serious relationship moving toward living together or marriage. Which is the reason why I felt I should touch on the parenting subject. As you see it did not go well and he will just do as he pleases.

 

Meanwhile, he tells me I "pick on" my own 19 year old boy because I "nag" him. My son has turned out wonderful and I only nag him once in awhile when I am relying on him to do something important as he can sometimes forget. Regardless, I needed to hear this from someone like you who can confirm my worst fears which is that his children will certainly eventually project their nastiness onto me and make me miserable.

 

They are just children, but they get away with some very blatant disobedience and disrespect now despite his spending loads of money on them and giving them everything they want, and so I am very worried how this plays out, what kind of teenagers they will be and how difficult that could get. Thanks again

Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[db1984]

A completely expected reaction.

 

My advice - never ever dish out parenting advice to people who have not seeked it or complained to you about a situation. This is especially important when it comes to dating someone with kids.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for two years. If he at any point was starting to tell me how I should parent my daughter, we would have a HUGE problem.

 

These are his kids, you're not living with them, you're not the stepmom, you're just somone they're dad is dating. You need to stay out of this.

 

You're allowed to have an opinion on his parenting and if, due to this opinion, he is not a man with whom you see a happy future (and that future includes his kids) then I suggest you walk out now. There is also an option of staying with him, but removing yourself from his family life.

 

 

All good advice. I should have picked my battles on this topic. But seeing how he dealt with the conflict was quite telling. Thank you.

[db1984]

But you do sound judgmental. Why do you care where he takes his kids and how much money he spends on them? At this point, none of your business...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

It's not a typical upbringing to be constantly amused this way. That's all. It's not sustainable from a financial perspective either. He is not "rich" per se.

[db1984]

If you don't like his parenting skills or his baby mama, you always have the option not to date him... After all, it's only been two months. It shouldn't be too hard to put him in your past.

 

 

This is true. But since I have only ever dated one man with a child/children, I am really not sure how typical these issues are and how other people deal with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not a typical upbringing to be constantly amused this way. That's all. It's not sustainable from a financial perspective either. He is not "rich" per se.

 

May very well be true. But, two months in, your concern should be how this affects you, not them. As others have said, vote with your feet. You're not the decision maker so any discomfort you're feeling now will only get worse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think 2 months into a new relationship is a bit too soon to be critiquing someone's parenting.

 

I think single dads have a tougher time raising their kids than single mothers in terms of balancing discipline with tenderness and nurturing them in the ways they need. In many marriages, it's the moms who do the brunt of the rearing with fathers on the peripheral and/or stepping in when necessary. I know that's not always the case, but certainly in many.

 

Having someone new come in and critique his rearing would get under anyone's skin especially since he's probably doing the best he can given the circumstances. Aren't we all?

 

Divorce also tends to come with a lot of guilt for what they're putting their children through. This often is the catalyst that has parents overcompensating by showering them with 'things' or letting them get away with bad behavior.

 

And if there is mama drama, I'm certain that isn't helping matters. Some people aren't above using their children as pawns in order to get back at their ex spouse.

 

I'm with those who said if you think this is too much to deal with then walk away. It's not your place to comment on his parenting style particularly this early on.

[db1984]

I think 2 months into a new relationship is a bit too soon to be critiquing someone's parenting.

 

<snip>

 

 

Well said. Yet I don't think I would have approached the subject had he not brought up the very real possibility of moving in together and/or getting married in the future. He talked about it a lot. So I felt pressured to absolve these issues now. The ultimate resolve was to not discuss those types of big decisions and commitments until a year or so has passed. Decisions can be made at any time, it's true. Regardless of the guilt of the separation that these two bio parents feel, the children need reasonable bed times, less candy and more boundaries. To me, it's a simple equation that my bf may or may not understand. Time will tell.

Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

Yet I don't think I would have approached the subject had he not brought up the very real possibility of moving in together and/or getting married in the future.

 

I'd be more concerned he's putting these commitments on the table 8 weeks in than I would be worried about his parenting style. To me, that's an alarming timeline...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'd be more concerned he's putting these commitments on the table 8 weeks in than I would be worried about his parenting style. To me, that's an alarming timeline...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This. Definitely.

[db1984]

I'd be more concerned he's putting these commitments on the table 8 weeks in than I would be worried about his parenting style. To me, that's an alarming timeline...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

 

Agreed, and after our first real argument I explained to him that his discussion of that was putting too much pressure on the relationship. To that he confirmed he wasn't thinking imminent near future, more like a year or two down the road. I said make it three and stop bullshirting yourself, basically! lol But ya I never met a guy that came on so strong so fast. Maybe it's just what they do in his Greek culture, who knows? weird for sure

[db1984]

This. Definitely.

 

 

Yes I am still trying to figure out this weirdness. lol

[Michelle ma Belle]

Agreed, and after our first real argument I explained to him that his discussion of that was putting too much pressure on the relationship. To that he confirmed he wasn't thinking imminent near future, more like a year or two down the road. I said make it three and stop bullshirting yourself, basically! lol But ya I never met a guy that came on so strong so fast. Maybe it's just what they do in his Greek culture, who knows? weird for sure

 

It could be that he's looking for a mother to help raise his children yet doesn't really want that woman to change things or give input on how to raise HIS kids.

 

The first guy I dated after my divorce was like this. Talked about the future and long term and marriage within weeks of dating. We hadn't even slept together yet and he wanted to put a ring on me and mother his daughter who he had full custody of. Yet when I would suggest things about how to deal with his daughter, he would dismiss me and get pissy.

 

That's all I needed to see to know I had to run.

[db1984]

It could be that he's looking for a mother to help raise his children yet doesn't really want that woman to change things or give input on how to raise HIS kids.

 

The first guy I dated after my divorce was like this. Talked about the future and long term and marriage within weeks of dating. We hadn't even slept together yet and he wanted to put a ring on me and mother his daughter who he had full custody of. Yet when I would suggest things about how to deal with his daughter, he would dismiss me and get pissy.

 

That's all I needed to see to know I had to run.

 

 

 

Amazing! How can a guy talk out of both sides of his mouth? Wants the serious commitment, wants you to be a step-parent but doesn't want you to actually have input? so basically they expect you to agree with they way they parent and it's my way or the highway mentality? I don't think so, especially when his kids can be so rude, obnoxious and spoiled.

[momonthego]

You could change up how you give him the advice. Make a suggestion and make it in such a way that he thinks he is coming up with the idea. For instance, if you are hanging out with him on the weekend, and the kids are still up, say to him how great it would be if the kids were in bed so yall could watch the game in peace or you could give him a back massage (whatever works). Maybe if come at your boyfriend from a different angle, he will be more receptive of your advice. Looks like you may have your hands full if you stay with him but blended families can work. Good luck!

[db1984]

You could change up how you give him the advice. Make a suggestion and make it in such a way that he thinks he is coming up with the idea. For instance, if you are hanging out with him on the weekend, and the kids are still up, say to him how great it would be if the kids were in bed so yall could watch the game in peace or you could give him a back massage (whatever works). Maybe if come at your boyfriend from a different angle, he will be more receptive of your advice. Looks like you may have your hands full if you stay with him but blended families can work. Good luck!

 

 

 

Yes, indeed it is all in the delivery. Thank you. Make it his idea and Bingo! I can't just throw myself into this, so taking a step back and easing in.