Divorce due to verbal abuse

[Aja3]

He may go ballastic so I second the advice to talk to a women's shelter first. Men absolutely HATE divorce, all of them, but the controlling ones will go to extreme measures to get revenge, like trying to harm you or at the very least trying to take the kids away from you with no visitation. They are so angry that you left them they want you to pay for it and suffer. They think they own you like property and think so little of you. They want to destroy you for daring to leave them and having your own mind. He will fight. Be ready and be strong. Persevere. In the end you will be a winner.

 

Thank you so much for your words.

They’re so helpful right now.

[BaileyB]

I think he senses he’s in the wrong. He’s acting very remorseful. Or it can all be a part of the act.

 

That's the thing with a abuse. Abusers, are rarely abusive all the the time. If they were, you would leave, right?

 

He'd much rather switch things up to keep you off balance - show you some kindness and you won't want to leave... He still maintains control.

 

This is not genuine remorse. It's a power play. He's exerting his control, just in a different way...

 

But, you are wise to that, right? You are not going to fall for it.

 

Continue on your path. Prepare to take your children and leave the home. The time is now.

[whichwayisup]

When he isn't home, start putting away valuables in boxes and get your mom to pick them up.

 

Get counseling too, it'll help you get stronger so you can finally leave him! You and your children deserve so much better!

[Calmandfocused]

Oh my goodness!

 

Op, your situation completely mirrors what mine was with my (now) ex husband. The only difference was he never physically struck me. I wish he had as I would have got rid of him much quicker. Like yourself I came here desperately looking for advice on how to escape.

 

I won’t lie, it was the fight of my life. His narcissism went through the roof as he went into narcissist injury (read up on this it’s important) mode. I had to fight for my freedom, fight for my life, my kids, everything. 4 court appearances and 30k lighter I succeeded. It was an utterly miserable and painful experience but worth every penny.

 

Do not be afraid. It will be extremely difficult, I won’t lie to you but you will do it. Get away from this awful man. Get into lioness mode and fight for your children and their safety.

You deserve a better life than this. Don’t waste any more of your life on an individual who cannot and will not ever know what it’s like to truely love and respect someone

[preraph]

Abusive and violent guys are nearly always remorseful, but that doesn't mean they won't do it again. The only ones who aren't remorseful are true sociopaths or psychopaths. There are people who have anger issues that probably stem from childhood and they go off and at that moment, feel they can't control themselves. But then a lot of them just do it to gain control. Then they apologize when that backfires and are remorseful that it didn't work!

 

Just keep making those plans and glad you met with an attorney. Stay safe. Get out as soon as you can.

[Aja3]

Oh my goodness!

 

Op, your situation completely mirrors what mine was with my (now) ex husband. The only difference was he never physically struck me. I wish he had as I would have got rid of him much quicker. Like yourself I came here desperately looking for advice on how to escape.

 

I won’t lie, it was the fight of my life. His narcissism went through the roof as he went into narcissist injury (read up on this it’s important) mode. I had to fight for my freedom, fight for my life, my kids, everything. 4 court appearances and 30k lighter I succeeded. It was an utterly miserable and painful experience but worth every penny.

 

Do not be afraid. It will be extremely difficult, I won’t lie to you but you will do it. Get away from this awful man. Get into lioness mode and fight for your children and their safety.

You deserve a better life than this. Don’t waste any more of your life on an individual who cannot and will not ever know what it’s like to truely love and respect someone

 

I’ve missed this site so much as it was down for what felt like the longest. The advice from those who have been through something similar has been a tremendous help. Things remain the same. Many sleepless nights arguing over not wanting to have sex. Many mornings spent arguing over the same topic- getting to work late due to these fights. I have hired an attorney. I intend to file for divorce in July. He continues to treat me as if nothing is wrong. When I don’t reciprocate he asks why I’m nasty to him? Completely clueless. I will not be afraid. I’ve had a few moments of feeling bad due to the decision but then I catch daily glimpses of who he truly is (and won’t change) and I get bitch slapped with reality and become empowered to move forward. Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your advice and feedback. It’s words like yours that will remind me of what’s truly important in the end. I will get out.

[Aja3]

Oh my, I'm so glad you have reached out to get some help! What you have described is absolutely abuse. You do NOT deserve it and it is not ok! You have received some very good tips on here. Here https://bit.ly/2DNcpPQ is confirmation. Stay strong. You can do this!

 

Thank you very much for your advice. I will check out the link and educate myself.

[Aja3]

Make a plan because he'll go ballistic when you try to leave. You can call a women's shelter or a hotline and get some tips from them how the safest way to leave is (when he's not there, obviously. Save money and sneak items out little by little beforehand). But most important is have a safe place to go where you'll either be protected OR he can't find you. And get an attorney first thing. Even if you can't afford it. You'll need one to get loose from him and they will get paid later by your joint worth.

 

I am moving forward with the process. I have my parents on standby and they’re fully aware of what’s happening. They will be my refuge if I need to leave which I don’t want to but know I’ll have to because he won’t take it well at all : (

[Aja3]

If the attorney offers no safety measures, do contact a women's shelter or a national abuse hotline and see if you can get some tips from them how to leave. Since you do have kids, you can't just totally take the kids and hide, so that's where the lawyer comes in. Also, ask the attorney if it's possible to get a protective order or not.

 

If the attorney is staying out of that stuff, by all means call your sheriff's office and ask for some tips to be safe getting away from him. Not knowing where you are, big city or small, it's hard to tell you. Big city has women's shelters who can at least advise you and at best house you and the kids temporarily.

 

One thing -- be sure he doesn't have tracking devices on you or the kids' phones. If so, leave those phones somewhere and get new ones that aren't trackable.

 

If you're in a small or rural community, a local sheriff might be of some assistance as much as he can by law.

 

If you have a big brother or a father who are protective, by all means get them rallied around you.

 

When my mom left my dad the first time, he drove around all the motels until he found her car. He didn't do anything bad once there, but this is not atypical behavior. Hopefully the attorney can get accounts frozen or protected so he can't just take all the money and run.

 

Calm down. He's been verbally abusive and if he's ever going to get physical, yes, this is when, but he may not. Just take all precautions and have a plan and a place to live in place. Not where he can find you.

 

Also, local police or sheriff may know how to contact the women's shelters, etc. Sometimes in bigger departments they have a "victim's advocate" that has very good advice, so use all resources available and you'll be okay.

 

Remember you can get some pepper spray or whatever nonlethal devices are legal where you live, maybe a stun gun, just in case. And take your dogs with you so he doesn't go off on them AND so they can smell and hear him coming before you do and alert you. They are priceless for that.

 

Very grateful for your time and advice. I have begun lining these things up as I don’t know what to expect in terms of reactions when he seems to be so upbeat and positive on a daily and gets upset when I don’t treat him a certain way. Although I’ve told him repeatedly that I am miserable and want out... he just doesn’t want to accept it. When he is served- he will know I’m not bluffing and that’s when I’m not sure how he will react BUT will be prepared for the worst case scenario. Thank you again.

[BaileyB]

I am moving forward with the process. I have my parents on standby and they’re fully aware of what’s happening. They will be my refuge if I need to leave which I don’t want to but know I’ll have to because he won’t take it well at all : (

 

Thank goodness for loving parents. You are blessed to have their support.

 

Best wishes to you. Please keep updating and let us know when you are safely out of harms way...

[Calmandfocused]

Op, seems like your making progress even if it’s just acceptance that you are done.

 

I’m posting again because what I’m about to say is important: please document everything that happens from this point in, particularly in relation to the abuse of yourself and the children. If you have any evidence (eg abusive texts messages) please save them. You may be wondering why?

 

Once the penny drops that you are going to divorce him, his abuse will increase ten fold. Forget trying to get him to take any responsibility for his behaviour and what he’s done (his narcissism will not allow this) He will convince himself that it’s all your fault. He will be angry and his strategy will be to hurt/ punish you for daring to divorce him.

 

I would bet money on him trying to get custody of the children. But not because he wants them. It’s because he wants to hurt you. Get your evidence together to prove that this is not in the children’s best interest.

 

Remember, you cannot reason with narcissists but you can protect yourself from them.

[preraph]

Once you move out, be sure to let your friends and relatives know not to disclose information about you to him.

 

As you know, when you serve him and/or leave will trigger him to get worse. The other trigger will be down the road when he finds out you are seeing a new man. In my experience, they often try to gain control by trying to get custody of the kids, even if they never did before, just to control you. So just be ready. By all means, give him joint custody, though, whether he wants it or not, so you can work and also have some time off and he will have to help with the kids and make the same sacrifices you are. Otherwise, you will be stuck in place. So give him joint custody. it's what most judges would do anyway. Some men don't want it because it interrupts their work (just like it does mothers). You both should have the same advantage there.

Edited May 31, 2018 by preraph

[bathtub-row]

I’m curious as to what your attorney has told you about staying in your home. You have children and they shouldn’t have to be uprooted because of their idiot father. Perhaps you’ll need to leave the house at first but I think ultimately you should get a restraining order against him and you and the kids live in the house. Regardless of what you do, I would recommend that you take your kids with you. Don’t leave them alone with him.

 

While it’s smart to stay alert as to what he might do, you just can’t continue to live your life like this and in constant fear of him. I’m just so sorry you’re having to deal with this. No one should have to.

[Aja3]

Op, seems like your making progress even if it’s just acceptance that you are done.

 

I’m posting again because what I’m about to say is important: please document everything that happens from this point in, particularly in relation to the abuse of yourself and the children. If you have any evidence (eg abusive texts messages) please save them. You may be wondering why?

 

Once the penny drops that you are going to divorce him, his abuse will increase ten fold. Forget trying to get him to take any responsibility for his behaviour and what he’s done (his narcissism will not allow this) He will convince himself that it’s all your fault. He will be angry and his strategy will be to hurt/ punish you for daring to divorce him.

 

I would bet money on him trying to get custody of the children. But not because he wants them. It’s because he wants to hurt you. Get your evidence together to prove that this is not in the children’s best interest.

 

Remember, you cannot reason with narcissists but you can protect yourself from them.

 

I thank you for your words of advice. My daily instances are difficult to document. I wish I could record however since it happens so randomly- I’m caught off guard. I can write it down bur that’s about all that can be done. Most of the times- it’s screaming via the phone. Not yelling. Inaudible screening. As the time approaches I grow more nervous. Sometimes extremely sad. Othertimes so angry at myself that I’ve let it happen for so long. Rollercoaster of emotions. There is no doubt that I need to move forward. There are more bad days than good. More days of screaming for then him to get over the situation in an hour. Just more of that. It’s a hopeless feeling but I remain focused on knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Aja3]

Once you move out, be sure to let your friends and relatives know not to disclose information about you to him.

 

As you know, when you serve him and/or leave will trigger him to get worse. The other trigger will be down the road when he finds out you are seeing a new man. In my experience, they often try to gain control by trying to get custody of the kids, even if they never did before, just to control you. So just be ready. By all means, give him joint custody, though, whether he wants it or not, so you can work and also have some time off and he will have to help with the kids and make the same sacrifices you are. Otherwise, you will be stuck in place. So give him joint custody. it's what most judges would do anyway. Some men don't want it because it interrupts their work (just like it does mothers). You both should have the same advantage there.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write and offer your advice. I come on here every single day to continue to read the stories of others who have been through something similar and to gain the strength to know that it’s going to be okay.

I haven’t let any of my friends in on my plans. Only my parents. I have one close friend who has seen, first hand, his verbal berating. Who knows- from years that something isn’t right. So she will be there first I tell once he is served.

 

I will give him Joint everything and anything. I can’t, for the life of me, be petty with an unreasonable person. So half of all. I don’t want to fight over anything. He can take whatever he thinks he is owed except for the kids.

I just want peace. I work 40 hours of week. Manage pretty much all household logistics and everything having to do with the kids. I just want peace for my kids and for myself.

[Aja3]

I’m curious as to what your attorney has told you about staying in your home. You have children and they shouldn’t have to be uprooted because of their idiot father. Perhaps you’ll need to leave the house at first but I think ultimately you should get a restraining order against him and you and the kids live in the house. Regardless of what you do, I would recommend that you take your kids with you. Don’t leave them alone with him.

 

While it’s smart to stay alert as to what he might do, you just can’t continue to live your life like this and in constant fear of him. I’m just so sorry you’re having to deal with this. No one should have to.

 

I haven’t gotten that far along yet in the process. I have paid a retainer and completed basic forms. I am holding off on filing until July due to a school related trip I don’t want to ruin for the kids. I didn’t want to make it awakes for them although they will have to deal with their fair share of difficulties once this moves forward. So I’m prolonging it for a month. And it’s so hard to wait. So hard. I haven’t made the attorney aware of anything until we actually begin moving everything along.

 

Just last night a pointless scream match came about over dropping my daughter off at the mall to hang out with friends. She didn’t last 20 minutes at the mall. He picked her up. Screaming. Told her I was an ******* of a parent for dropping her off at the mall and that he can’t expect much from me because my own parents are idiots so that makes me an *******. And of course that he’s parenting alone because I’m a “teenager” parent. Then he proceeded to blame HER for the argument he had with me. It’s just sick.

All because I dropped her off at the mall to have dinner with friends. All which he knew and was okay with. But a switch flipped and I guess it didn’t click 10 minutes later.

It’s so difficult.

I thank you for reading. I often times feel like I’m going crazy.

 

I have picked up a great book in case anyone reading is going through something similar. I read when he’s not home and it’s called “Why does he do that?”.

So insightful and scary accurate as to how the mind of abusive indivual works.

[preraph]

A good time to serve him might be when the kids are gone on a school trip. Don't know the details, but just saying.

[DeniseSmith]

You better ask for a legal assistance about your problem. It’s the best way to handle a situation like yours. If you don’t know some good law firms then you may try The Law Offices of Kathleen Shaul.

[bathtub-row]

That’s a great book. I often recommend it on this site. Just my thoughts but you need to let your attorney know what you’re doing. He/she will have insights on this that you might not have thought about or know.

 

Btw, I know it’s hard but try not to get hung up on his stupid temper tantrums and why he’s doing it. You read the book and you know why. Don’t let him sidetrack you or get you off-balance. I know his behavior is appalling but it’s really nothing new, right? He’s a power-hungry jerk who enjoys hurting the people around him. He’s just reminding you why you’re leaving him. And be prepared for him to become Mr Nice Guy once you leave. He’ll pull that act and be quite believable but don’t buy into it.

 

I didn’t fully understand what you were saying about the kids. You’re taking them with you, right?

Edited June 11, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Aja3]

You’re right. The book is very good and scary of how accurate it is. I will take the high road and try very hard to not worry about the crap that comes out of his mouth. I do agree with you in that he’ll turn into quite the charmer once the ball begins rolling.

 

In terms of the kids- they’re staying with me and I will not be leaving them anywhere. What I meant to clarify is that I will be moving forward with the divorce once we all return from a school trip that will be taking place in July. I didn’t want to do it before the trip because I knew it would make things worse so I’m holding off.

 

But with every day that passes I realize how nothing has changed and gets a little worse. Like you said, reminding me of why I’m doing what I’m doing.

 

Thank you for your advice. <3

It’s been very therapeutic to write in this forum.

[bathtub-row]

Reading that book opened my eyes to the fact that nothing would ever change. That was the end of the line for the relationship I was in at the time. Don’t forget, the author of that book dealt with literally thousands of abusers. The patterns became clear and his deductions were spot on. They’re all the same. They thrive on the power of controlling and manipulating others. That’s why they don’t change - they can’t let go of that rush they get from the power. It’s like a drug to them.

 

What I meant about not getting hung up on the things he does is that once you get caught in that loop of being appalled or trying to understand it or wondering if he really loves you, then you’re hooked in his game. It’s all designed to keep you hooked in one way or another. And that hook is your downfall. Don’t take the bait anymore. When he acts like an idiot, try to look at him and think, “Wow, you really are off-the-charts stupid.” Don’t take it personally. It’s who he is.

 

Another thing you’ll learn about yourself - you’ll never be fooled by this kind of guy ever again. I can spot them from a mile away. And you’re doing such a huge favor to your kids. Keep plugging.

[Aja3]

I’m so sorry to read that you dealt with something however I can sense how much better off you are now and how strong you are as well in drawing up the courage to leave that situation.

 

You are absolutely right in what you wrote about his baiting. It’s SO HARD not to fall or to get into with him because he seems 100% unphased right after big arguments. One minute “it’s all your fault. It’s all because of you. You love to make a scene”... and then...Completely normal. He still tries every single day to be affectionate despite the daily issues. It’s HARD to constantly feel angry towards him because he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t compute. But I’m trying so hard to not feel or go crazy.

 

I look forward to the day that this is in the past and that we are both happy because living in misery is one of the worst feelings. I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

 

Thank you again, for always responding.

[preraph]

I’m so sorry to read that you dealt with something however I can sense how much better off you are now and how strong you are as well in drawing up the courage to leave that situation.

 

You are absolutely right in what you wrote about his baiting. It’s SO HARD not to fall or to get into with him because he seems 100% unphased right after big arguments. One minute “it’s all your fault. It’s all because of you. You love to make a scene”... and then...Completely normal. He still tries every single day to be affectionate despite the daily issues. It’s HARD to constantly feel angry towards him because he doesn’t get it. It doesn’t compute. But I’m trying so hard to not feel or go crazy.

 

I look forward to the day that this is in the past and that we are both happy because living in misery is one of the worst feelings. I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

 

Thank you again, for always responding.

 

Part of that is because the "affectionate" part is what he's interested in keeping going despite all the discord. Meanwhile, he's constantly trying to tamp you down and gaslight you, make you feel it's all your fault so he doesn't have any responsibility or have to make any changes.

[bathtub-row]

Our marriage was relatively short-lived and I never had kids with him. Still it did take strength to walk away. The truth is, I rarely even think about him anymore. I’m very glad to be away from him and live a fun and independent life. I wish the same for you and your children.

[Aja3]

Part of that is because the "affectionate" part is what he's interested in keeping going despite all the discord. Meanwhile, he's constantly trying to tamp you down and gaslight you, make you feel it's all your fault so he doesn't have any responsibility or have to make any changes.

 

This is true. It’s what my gut tells me. The affection doesn’t seem sincere most of the time since he gets upset when I don’t show it in return.