Divorce due to verbal abuse

[notbroken]

Sounds like a very bad situation. NO ONE deserves abuse. You certainly don't.

 

Why do you have to have him served to leave? Can you just leave and go live with your parents? Yes your husband will likely complain very loudly but he is going to do that any way isn't he?

 

Not trying to be difficult - you've got enough of that in your life. Just wondering why you are waiting for the legalities to do what you can do anyway.

[bathtub-row]

Kicking my parents out of my home - that would’ve been the end of the line for me.

 

I get the impression that you try to reason with this guy and allow yourself to get sucked into arguments. You need to not do that. It only worsens things. And I agree with the other post - you need to get this jerk out of there fast. Tell your attorney that you feel unsafe with him in your home, and explain why. This should generate some action.

 

I really, really encourage you to read the book I recommended before because it can help you understand these types of people very well. They’re broken and completely unfixable. The book was a huge eye opener for me. The book is “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. The author dealt with literally thousands of abusive men and drew some amazing conclusions.

 

As far as me, thank you but don’t worry about it. It’s all water under the bridge for me. I never, ever see him, and my son is not his son. I never had kids with him.

[Aja3]

Kicking my parents out of my home - that would’ve been the end of the line for me.

 

I get the impression that you try to reason with this guy and allow yourself to get sucked into arguments. You need to not do that. It only worsens things. And I agree with the other post - you need to get this jerk out of there fast. Tell your attorney that you feel unsafe with him in your home, and explain why. This should generate some action.

 

I really, really encourage you to read the book I recommended before because it can help you understand these types of people very well. They’re broken and completely unfixable. The book was a huge eye opener for me. The book is “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. The author dealt with literally thousands of abusive men and drew some amazing conclusions.

 

As far as me, thank you but don’t worry about it. It’s all water under the bridge for me. I never, ever see him, and my son is not his son. I never had kids with him.

 

Thank you all for your advice and feedback. I wanted to come back and let you all know that he is to be served tomorrow at some point. I feel a bit sick to my stomach and then this weird sense of being ready. Our weekend was awful. Another horrible fight which I have recorded audio of. I can’t believe it’s going to happen. I’ll try to continue to post.

[bathtub-row]

That’s so great! I know it doesn’t feel great getting through this process but try to think of your freedom as the pot of gold at the end of all this. It was so hard for me, too, but those years will rush by and one day you’ll turn around and wonder why had been holding you back.

 

Remember that most great achievements take work and perseverance. It’s getting over the first few hurdles that is the hardest. Please keep us posted. You’re in my thoughts.

[BaileyB]

Thank you all for your advice and feedback. I wanted to come back and let you all know that he is to be served tomorrow at some point. I feel a bit sick to my stomach and then this weird sense of being ready.

 

Well done Aja. Plan something special tomorrow night, to celebrate your strength and the beginning of a new future. You are not there yet, but better days are ahead...

[Aja3]

Thank you both, bathtubrow & Baileyb for your encouragement. I’m still waiting here. It didn’t happen this morning. Options were @ home before work or in the afternoon at work (discreetly).

I’m a sack of nerves and haven’t been able to focus at work however I’m getting through it. The kids will be at a friends house with other kids to help distract if need be. My oldest knows and my youngest doesn’t. That’s where I am.

[bathtub-row]

Try not to get too wound up about it. Sometimes serving papers doesn’t even happen when they say it will.

 

Are you afraid of his reaction?

[Aja3]

Try not to get too wound up about it. Sometimes serving papers doesn’t even happen when they say it will.

 

Are you afraid of his reaction?

 

It’s what I fear the most. I just don’t know what I’ll get. Last time I received a solicitation in the mail from an attorney because the case had been filed (that’s how he found out) he went prettt crazy screaming “what is this?!” Over and over until I had to leave the house. Blew up my phone and then about an hour after ignoring his calls he sounded calm but condescending in tone “you don’t want to go down this path with me. It’s not going to be pretty”. That was September 2018.

[bathtub-row]

Well, let him get pissed off if he wants, and let him threaten you. If he threatens bodily harm or frightens you in any way, tell your attorney. If you actually fear bodily harm for yourself and children, then do something to protect yourself. But don’t stay married to this numbskull just because he’s a jerk and keeps you in fear. He has brought all of this down on his own head. I hope you never lose sight of that. These types of men never like it when they’re faced with the consequences of their behavior.

 

I remember when my ex was served. He called me up, sarcastic and pissed off about being served on Christmas Eve. I told him that I didn’t know when he was going to be served but, given the way he treated me over the past few years, I really didn’t give a damn when the hell he was served. I asked him if he was thinking about my feelings when he did x, y and z. That sort of shut him up.

 

Ask your husband if he’s really surprised that this marriage is in the toilet. But don’t let him suck you into drawn out explanations or an argument. Have a plan B for getting out of there if you have to.

[bathtub-row]

And, if you don’t remember anything else, I hope you’ll remember this - the reason you’re divorcing this guy is because he threatens you and puts you in fear. A good man would never make you feel that way.

[Aja3]

Back to update for anyone who reads. I’ve been waiting for him to be served since Wednesday. The attempt was finally made on Friday while he was at work however he was in a meeting and didn’t receive the papers. FML.

Even knowing what’s coming, he refuses to accept the reality. He tells me he will not be accepting service because he will NOT be divorcing.

 

Now he’s adamant that he can fix everything and that my decision to divorce is being coerced by something or someone because in his words “you’re crazy or going through something”. . He tells me to “kill this thing” (getting served) and of course I will not. He’s become even more clingy than before. When I’m not home he’ll text me asking for another chance. This morning he’s prepared a letter saying that the letter is his promise to me that he will change and that he will not lose his family “over something so silly”. When I am home, he tries to hug me, offer wine, offer food. It’s very suffocating

 

I will be calling the attorney on Monday to ask if he has or hasn’t been served and if he hasn’t I’ll be letting them know he is avoiding service. The long battle begins...

[MetallicHue]

Stay strong. Growing up in my house verbal abuse was there every day until my parents were divorced. I was a mess and I believe it still has had lasting effects until this day. It’s sounds like it is going to be a rough road for you but it will be so worth it in the end. I think you and your kids will be much better off for it. Just be careful of this guy it sounds like he’s not entirely stable.

[bathtub-row]

I love the way he minimizes what he has done. So typical. I also love the way he tries to convince you that he has any control over whether the divorce happens or not. These guys hate not being in control of everything. I’ve forgotten how idiotic they can be. Stay strong and know you’re doing the right thing.

 

Keep us posted.

[vla1120]

Make sure you are safe! It sounds like, based on his possible reaction, you may need to consider a restraining order.

[Aja3]

Hello all,

 

Back to update. Still waiting to serve him if you can believe that. He’s evaded service, postponed service. We’ve had a drunk spell in where the kids and I had to leave the home (April 27) and since then he’s back to normal as if all is well with daily arguments. I received the text from the process server this morning letting me know he is staking him out and waiting for him to leave home for work to hand him the papers.

 

Happy Mother’s Day to me?

Will keep you posted.

[bathtub-row]

That’s ridiculous. They need to get him served. If it happens on Mother’s Day, that’s great. Who cares? Whatever it takes to get the ball rolling. If it isn’t done by late next week, call your attorney and ask him what is it going to take to get this done.

 

Btw, please stop letting him engage you in arguments. If he wants to argue with himself, let him. When yells and acts like a lunatic, just stay quiet and look at him like he’s a lunatic. ?

[AMarriedMan]

Unlike most women, men will want to have sex even when nothing is going well, even if they hate you, even if there was just an ugly fight. Their emotions do not need to line up for them to want sex. And they know women need to want to emotionally not just physically, so they will act nice long enough to get sex, and unfortunately, this fools women into thinking they care more than they do.

 

That's a common misconception. At least I lose desire for sex with my partner if nothing's well between myself and her. Hearing a barrage of insults from a woman makes me want to get away from her and not have sex with her.

 

Actually, what I've heard some men say is that many women they've been with love makeup sex. I have the kind of mind that is very good at perceiving the big picture. When I think about an issue or a person, I often can't help but have the totality of what's involved register in my mind. Makeup sex doesn't work for me at all. A woman who acts lovingly towards me after screaming at me fifteen minutes earlier only strikes me as crazy.

 

What applies to me and many if not most men is that we do not require an emotional connection to exist for us to want a woman sexually. I would be happy to have casual sex with a total stranger and forget about her quickly. But that's not the same as wanting her despite a lot of bad blood existing between us.

[Aja3]

Service has finally been obtained since filing for divorce in July of last year. 4 days shy from the petition being dismissed for the second time due to lack of activity in the case (due to the delay in obtaining service).

Having him served and the moments leading up to that had me sick to my stomach- then it happened and I felt empowered. Now I’m back to feeling a struggle. Feeling trapped and suffocated.

 

He is completely determined in convincing me to give him one last chance. we have attended 4 marriage sessions with a psychologist. None of which i have personally found beneficial AT ALL. A waste of time and money. Zero progress. He claims I am going to destroy the family with my selfish decision to divorce. The visits to the psychologist have been spread out to one session per month. It started off as. A weekly thing for the first visit and the last 3 have been one per month. The deal was that I would agree to attend 4 sessions and after the 4th, if I still felt the same way- I would proceed with having him served. So that’s exactly what happened and has led me up to end of June/July.

 

In between the sessions, the arguments and disrespect continues to happen daily. Very little improvement.

 

On the 4th of July, he had drinks behind my back (one of his many promises not to do but continues to do), became intoxicated, was disrespectful to our teenage daughter in front of guests, shoved our youngest when we got back home, I had to ask him to leave the home that night where he called easily 25 times begging to come back home. That same night, he called my father and fought over the phone with him just because he was quite frankly drunk. He ruined another holiday. If you’ve followed my story, you can see how at least this year (not to mention in years past), he’s ruined all holidays with his anger or drinking.

 

After the 4th of July, I told him he was going to served. And he was shortly after, after avoiding the process server this whole week. He was served at work on Wednesday.

 

So much has happened. So many arguments which I feel as if they happen everyday. I don’t know where to begin. he texts me all day, he gets home and we argue throughout the night. I found him looking at porn. He almost blamed the porn on our 12 year old. denies it was him searching for it. It bothered me because it was viewed on the same device my son uses to watch Netflix.

 

He’s been served. Now he’s more determined than ever to make things “right”. And he says I’m shutting him out, which I am. Don’t I have that right? I feel suffocated. He has 18 days to respond to the complaint and the papers are just thrown on a dresser. Why isn’t he taking this seriously?

 

I know I’m all over the place with my thoughts however I’m so mentally exhausted. he’s been served and I feel hopeless.

 

I obtained a new job and started it at the end of June to make a bit more money as I know I’ll be on my own soon so i don’t have the leisure of taking personal time during this process so I’ve been pushing through although it’s a struggle every day which I brought on to myself by going through with this.

 

I would just like advice if anyone has any. How do I keep going? What else will it take for him to realize that I’m done? Why can’t I be done? Why is that such an unfathomable concept to him? Is moving out a horrible idea? The kids have handled everything better than he has. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve waited a year while he’s avoided service, I’ve written him a letter, I’ve been brutally honest in my many redundant conversations with him. I continue to be let down.

 

I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired and my kids are too.